Very Bad Profile Pics

We all know the key to a good online profile picture is to contort your face and body to look exactly nothing like you actually look like in real life.

As for me, I try to do the following:

  1. Slap on loads of makeup I normally would never wear.
  2. Turn head at unnatural 45° angle.
  3. Pull shoulders back.
  4. Stick neck out to diminish double/triple chin.
  5. Tilt head up.
  6. Pucker lips ever so slightly without slipping into ‘duck face’.
  7. Raise one eyebrow seductively but not too much so it looks like a facial twitch.
  8. Give halfway “I don’t give a shit” smile.

Here’s my best attempt this morning:

Picture 22

Eh, it’s semi-presentable. But that’s not really what I look like.

Here’s the REAL me when I’m blogging:

When I’m reading something that scares the crap outta me:

Picture 18

When I’m reading something I think is complete and utter bullshit:

Picture 19

When I log into WordPress and see my reader’s still fried and I can’t comment or like posts:

Picture 23

When I’m reading something fracking hilarious:

Picture 21

When I’m reading something really, really gross:

Picture 20

And finally, when I’m having a bunch of mixed and conflicting emotions:

Picture 24

I have a feeling I might regret this post later.

So because obviously, my webcam is malfunctioning, I decided to recreate myself as a Simpson on a make-your-own profile site. I think this more accurately depicts me and my life:

Simpsonsmovie.com
Simpsonsmovie.com

Why did you choose your profile/avatar pic? What’s the story behind it? Or do you never show your face online and instead go with a flower or a cat? Yeah, I should probably try that one day.

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181 thoughts on “Very Bad Profile Pics

  1. My avatar pic is the famous Sailor/Nurse kiss ’cause I’ve always wanted to kiss a sailor…at the end of a war…while wearing white hose (those would make my calves look like dueling abominable snowmen…well, I just like the picture.

    1. I left my webcam at home – I am on spring break in beautiful sunny…Michigan. So far, there is no good angle to hide the quadruple chin thing I have going on. On a happier note, I found the Rubik’s cube I left here last visit so I can finally make that video demonstrating my mad cube skillz.

      1. Say…what? Sunny Michigan? Is there going to be a top secret meeting at the local Wendy’s to split a Frosty with our fave bloggess Pegolego??

        You’d better be serious about your Rubik’s cube video! I really want to see it.

  2. Omigosh! You are so funny! And creative. He do you do it, Dar? My avatar was born one spring day when my son took the camera and pushed the button. I’m usually the one behind the camera. As it turns out, it’s like the BEST picture anyone has ever taken of me. Even though I’m armless and crooked.

    1. That’s the thing, I have so very few actual photos of myself, because I’m the only one who takes pictures. It’s mostly the kids.

      Whenever I see your gravatar, Renee, I imagine you jumping and yelling Wahoo! or Superstar!

  3. Oh my god, Darla . . . that last picture of you. So F-in hysterical!! It’s reminiscent of those sites that have pictures of really attractive girls making horrible faces. Yes, I said it. :p

    And yeah, depending on where you are talking about, my profile pic is either my feet or some type of comic. Never my face. It’s scarier than that last one, without me even trying. True story.

    1. I almost deleted the last photo… but god, I just couldn’t resist it. It’s just so so sooooo very bad.

      And don’t worry, I wasn’t reading your blog when I took it.

      But tell me MORE about the feet pic, Misty. Where were you when you took it? What were you doing at the time? It’s such a mysterious photo.

      1. Actually, there’s a story to that picture as my profile pic. My first ever post ever was about a creepy guy who hit on me by telling me I had beautiful feet. So I included a picture of my feet in the post as proof of said beauty. It was the first pic ever to appear on Misty’s Laws, and since I don’t show my face, I figured, why not?

        Note that I didn’t say it was a GOOD story. 😉

      2. Your link is “ridiculous and just so bad?” Well, no need to twist my arm there, Misty. I can’t wait to read it.

        I have no clue where “educate yourself” came from. (right now I’m making the face in the last photo…)

  4. I read this five minutes ago and was so busy laughing that I forgot to comment! Seriously. Tears in my eyes. I like to imagine I know what blogs you’re reading in each of these photos…

  5. O to the MG. I laughed for a full ten minutes. I can still hardly compose myself to comment.

    My gravatar was born from an impromptu photo shoot after getting my hair done. So this is the after shot. Boring story and not nearly as funny as your photos. 🙂

  6. I read somewhere that you’re supposed to open your mouth just slightly in pictures to elongate your face and make you look alluring. So try that. Should fix everything right up.

    As for me – I look exactly like my avatar. 😉 Little secret: it’s not a cell. It’s actually a neuron. OMG false advertising!

  7. OneHotMess

    I laughed my head off reading this! I have been told that I have a very emotive face. 😉 In short, if I am thinking it, you are apt to be seeing it, which is why I do not gamble. I used to have an avatar of some painting that looked a lot like me 30 years ago. Now, it’s just me. As an aside, I so needed a good laugh! Thank you!

    1. See, you and I have something in common then. My face is kind of a Jim Carrey, rubbery mishmash of emotions. I can also look pretty deadpan when I want to, but if I’m feeling something, it’s written allllll over my face. No hiding it.

      1. OneHotMess

        She’s, may I call you she’s?? When you take the rare, but instant, dislike to someone, can you hide it at all?

  8. You’re killing me!

    I chose my avatar because I loves me some coffee and because it’s one of the coolest pictures I’ve ever taken of coffee. Okay, it’s one of the only pictures I’ve ever taken of coffee.

    I stayed relatively anonymous when I first started blogging so I didn’t want my picture. I have shown my face since then, but I still like to keep my mug off profile pictures. My FB profile is never a picture of me. I just could never get a shot of me that didn’t look a) horrendous, or b) okay but like I was trying too hard. Because I was. So I stopped trying completely and since I prefer to stay behind the camera, I decided to do just that.

    1. I had no clue YOU took that photo. I should have known though because it’s the best java pic.
      I hear you on the trying too hard. I try so hard not to look like I’m trying so hard. It’s much too complex for me to pull off.

      1. Danke, danke – I took that maybe 6-7 years ago and am still quite pleased with it 🙂
        Yeah, never works for me either. I really don’t look good when I’m clearly screaming, “Look at me, I’m nonchalant! I am SOOOO nonchalant, don’t you agree??? HUH??”

        1. Haha! YEAH! Dammit, subtle isn’t something I do well!

          That photo is great because of the delicious creamy foam and the shadow. Every time I see it I want more coffee so really I blame you for my caffeine addiction.

  9. this is funny….thanks for the laugh. I was wondering how people manage to get cool shots of themselves….I’ll have to try it your way :).
    No reasoning behind mine; I keep changing it because every time I look at a photo of myself after awhile it starts to look distorted and weird….like fun-house mirror-ish.

  10. You’re killing me! My abs haven’t had a workout like this in a long time! The look that’s most irresistible is the “gross look.” Makes me wonder what prompted it. By the way, this is the first post I’ve ever begged my husband to read. He doesn’t usually get involved in my blogging world, but today he indulged me. This was just too good to pass up!

    1. I suppose I should confess something here:

      Every single one of those photos was taken while I was reading my own blog posts.

      But I’m happy your husband can share in my lovely expressions!

      1. LOL! I’m taking your advice on pictures anyway. I swear, when I read your tip to stick your neck out to diminish your chin, I had to try it right then. Thank you for the kind words. I’m looking forward to reading more of your blog. I’ve been known to dig around in archives. 🙂

      2. It does work because I’ve been known to have triple, even quadruple chins and it makes most of them magically disappear!

        Someone read my post on my aching back a few weeks ago and she was so nice to link to one of your posts on your back issues and I just had to read it. Then I started checking out the rest of your blog and I can’t stop reading now.

  11. My avatar picture is actually the logo for my micro business: it’s my son the summer before he turned 2, down at our river, throwing rocks. I don’t use my photo because these days I’m too G.D. fat and I don’t looking at my triple chins. Plus, I’m still growing out my hair from when I chopped all the colored stuff off, and it’s at that weird in-between, awkward length.

    1. Aw, I love that photo of him. Christian was obsessed with throwing rocks in the water. when he was that age. We often joked about it because wherever we’d go he’d yell “Trow rock in wawa! Trow rock in wawa?”
      I am also slowly chopping off the colored hair. I got rid of a few inches last week. Might have to go even shorter this summer. I am tempted to get a pixie cut and be done with it.

      1. Last Feb, just before I flew east for my aunt’s and my dad’s memorial services (they were a week apart), I decided to do the big chop. It was short, but not pixie short. Had been growing out since the summer prior. I just didn’t want two toned hair for those events. Wanted to look good, no matter the length. And my natural color was soooo dramatically different from the colored brown that in order to not look really bad, all of the color had to go. I am now 100% salt and pepper, heavy on the salt.

  12. HAHAHAHAHA!!! The laughter. The peeing. The ab workout. (Not necessarily in that order, though. Confession: peeing ALWAYS takes priority. Good thing I emptied my bladder BEFORE reading this post; otherwise, it would have happened involuntarily.)

    My avatar is a sketch Marty did of me about 6 or so years ago. I’ve been meaning to change it to something ‘real’, but I’m mysteriously wearing sunglasses in nearly every single photo of me since 2007. Hmm…

  13. I love this Darla! You are a woman after my own heart. I have no shame either and have blogged several hideous photos. No wait. Doesn’t hideous =awesome???
    The one on my blog was taken after a long hike on the most beautiful fall day ever! I love that Roxy is looking the wrong way, or am I looking the wrong way?
    I am pretty much a goof ball, but desperately need a pro photo done for Linked In. I had a couple of visits from professional agencies and all they saw was a goon on a bike with skis and a tennis racket…. afterward, I updated my profile so it doesn’t repeat, “I love adventure both real and imagined,” for activities, profile, bio…

    Sometimes I catch my reflection in my computer screen and appropriately, I yelp!
    By the way, I think you are beautiful!

    1. Oh yeah, hideous does equal awesome. That perfectly sums up my photos.
      Someday, I’d love to have a professional take my photo. Hopefully soon as each day that goes by I notice a new wrinkle,sag, bag etc. Every morning I look in the bathroom mirror and am shocked that’s what I look like. Not a good way to start your day. Thanks for the compliment, Susie, right back to you.

      1. I will have to rely on Danny’s photography abilities for now…
        I used to be shocked in the morning, bu after I picked myself up off the floor a couple of times it finally wore off!

  14. Ha, one of the few photos I have that I can mostly stand is one they forced me to get taken for work. I have one of those “I don’t give a shit smiles” complete with one raised eyebrow. Which is pretty much how I look most of the time. Usually cameras hate me and I can look halfway decent, take the picture, and DEAR GOD what happened? Also, I make every single one of those faces while reading 50 Shades.

    1. I am the opposite of photogenic. Almost every photo of me catches my double chin, the dark circles under my eyes, my sneer….And every year that goes by, it gets worse.

      If I were to ever read 50 Shades, my face would be frozen in the “reading something really, really gross” photo.

  15. The first time I tried to read this post the pictures crashed my iPad. Seriously. However, that’s a function of how crappy the WP app is with my stoneage iPad because when I commented it crashed too…forgive me if you get like 90 comments from me. My avatar picture is from a boudoir photo session I did a couple years ago as a Christmas surprise for my husband. Total cheesy guilty pleasure, but I love it and all the other pics I got from that session. I was not expecting it to be life changing, but it totally was. So I use this picture even though it’s too sexy for what I write and makes me look like I review sex toys on my blog. Wait, I did that. But only once.

    1. JM, I can’t read/comment/like posts using my stupid iPad. It takes me several tries and usually I just give up.

      Your avatar is gor-GEOUS. I would never change it if I had one like that. Can I borrow yours?

  16. I’ve found the perfect remedy to bad profile pics, unwanted wrinkles, and hairy lip syndrome. It’s befunky.com. I used it to de-line my face in the gravatar pic attached. Miracle worker, that technology thingy is.

  17. Don’t know if anyone else noticed, but your faces for reading “utter bullshit” and for “really gross” are quite similar – so much so that it’s easy to imagine what you’d look like reading “utterly gross bullshit” or as some people like to call it, 1PointPerspective.

    As for my avatar, I didn’t want to show any more of my face than absolutely necessary. I was planning on hiding behind a plaid coffee mug, but it had already been done. My Facebook profile pic is even more mysterious – I went with Igor the vulture from the old Bugs Bunny cartoons.

    Funny stuff – as usual1

    1. Aw, aren’t you nice?? Thank you. The check is in the mail.

      Now, you didn’t explain your avatar. I assume it’s because you like movies? Or do you bear a striking resemblance to Christopher Lloyd?

  18. Why did I use the pic i did for my Gravatar? Um … ’cause it’s one of the few recent photos of my ugly mug. Story? Boy meets goat. Not use my photo? Yeah, I started that way, first with a little slide saying “Don’t worry about the world ending today, it’s tomorrow in Australia”. Then I went to a picture of my dog Sam, from when we first met him at the shelter (it’s still my Facebook image). I decided to go with truth-in-advertising when I started commenting, just to let folks know what kind of whacked-out old fart they were trying to have an intelligent conversation with.
    I need to set your 2nd photo as my screen background. Then I can just pull it up whenever i comment on your site….

    1. Boy meets goat. Well, from one whacked-out old fart to another, yours is the most original avatar in history.

      Please do use any of those photos for your computer’s wallpaper. God, that gives me an idea. Maybe I should just slap them up in my blog’s banner. Drive people away from my blog.

      1. I have to admit I never looked at John’s avatar pic up close before, and I always thought he was giving a, em, er, proctologist exam to a goat. Just enlarged it and see it is the HEAD of the goat. My bad.

        1. For goodness’ sake! One more time, people – I am NOT goosing the goat!!!
          (Interesting – if you can goose a goat, can you goat a goose? Not that I’d want to – geese are MEAN SOBs! 😀 )

      2. Or, you could use just three of them side-by-side, and have The Three Faces of Darla. (Was that just WAY too esoteric? 😉 )
        And just how the HECK did you pick up so many perverts on here (besides me, of course)? Trust me, I’ve gotten enough crap in my life and dealt with enough a-holes BEFORE moving to Ohio. I sure as HECK don’t need to find a goat and ask him to drop his pants and cough! SICKOS!!! 😯

  19. I cried longer than she did…I begged her not to tell, but it was no use, the jig was up the minute she ran screaming into the kitchen. If only I’d had access to an eyebrow pencil. Interesting that as children we had access to razors but not pencils.

    1. God, I can imagine the feeling of sheer terror you had when you realized what you did! Thank god brows grow back. Mine grow so fast I can hardly keep up with them. Still considering a unibrow.

  20. This was great. Too funny. My daughter is always taking pics of her face and posting them all over who knows where! I thought the first image of you was pretty good! My avatar is actually sort of a professional image. A friend of mine is in the modeling biz and has a local agency and I have done some work for her. I use this image all over the place, the only concern is I was 39 when it was taken. That was six years ago and although I haven’t changed much, eventually I’ll have to come up with something new!

    1. When I read about your daughter, Steve, I shuddered–to think of the day both my kids are teens and start really getting into the social media crap. Ugh! They are both pretty oblivious to facebook and I’d like to keep it that way for a long time but I know my days are numbered there.

      I’m sure you haven’t changed much from your photo. I would stick with it as long as you can, it’s perfect. I should have my photo taken now before I turn 50 (which the way time’s going, is in a few seconds….)

  21. I loved the progression of photos — so fun and relatable b/c each and every one of us has made that face.

    I chose my gravatar b/c I never liked my teeth … still don’t. 😉

    MJ

      1. None of the above — the picture is actually pretty misleading. He’d just woken up from a nap and was grooming himself; he was about to start licking his side, and I just randomly got a picture of him in mid-turn.

  22. Your fracking hilarious face is my favorite. Getting you to do that will be my main goal when writing from now on.

    I feel like I’m not allowed to take pictures of myself for some reason. Like, it’s as if doing so reduces me to the equivalent of a 15 year-old girl on Myspace. Or maybe it makes me feel vain. Maybe I’ll work on my self-portrait-taking-skills soon…no duck face allowed.

    1. Whatever you write, Carly, I will always be grinning just like that photo.

      I also feel pretty vain when I take my own photo. This is why I had to stick a giant plaid mug in front of my mug for my avatar.

  23. You know, you could use these pics when commenting on other blogs: just pick an appropriate expression and paste it instead of the comment.
    I think my avatar is pretty much self-explanatory. Though there is also a story behind this avatar, I wouldn’t share it online and would rather post a picture of a cat.

      1. The short story behind my avatar is that with some Da Vinci Code-like puzzle solving, it’s actually possible to get my real name out of it 🙂 I won’t share more because that would defeat the purpose of getting an avatar rather than my real name and photo. Maybe I should just get a picture of a cat.

  24. Oh dear lord, don’t make me laugh out loud at work. My credit control ledger shouldn’t make me laugh – my cover is blown!

    My pic is artwork from David Shrigley, alas not even my thumb. I hate photos of me hence the only ones that circulate my blog are the same one or two that I have allowed and use on certain posts sparingly.

    I do find others highly amusing especially when they are smaller images in the comment threads coupled with my terrible eyesight, I end up confusing what the picture is of. For example, one on here now, John Erikson’s, always brings to mind a veterinary procedure, the goat is blurred in my vision so it doesn’t look like the head of the goat….if you get my drift.

    I’ve got loads like that, they act like a Rorschach test, what does the image I see reveal about my level of psychosis?

    1. Is it bad that I feel a certain sense of satisfaction that you laughed at work? Don’t want to get you in trouble though.

      When I first met you online, I really thought that thumb was yours! And I thought your name was really Joe. I’m a little slow on the uptake about these things…And please! I’ve seen several photos of you and you are a very handsome man. No bullshit, I speak the truth.

      Speaking of laughing, your comment about John Erikson’s goat pic made me spew my coffee just now. I must have the same bad eyesight as you because every time I see it, I think the same thing.

      1. I’ve given up now anyway, I’ve done nothing at work all day 🙂 And I will take compliments gladly, thank you!

        I don’t want to upset anyone so I will keep my other gravatar misinterpretations secret!

  25. Snoring Dog Studio

    You are so hilarious! I swear, you channel Lucille O’Ball. I love every expression you offered up and I bet you still have a million more. My profile pic is either a painting of mine or one of my Boston Terriers. I’ve got my Sally’s face pasted over my work’s security badge. I really would rather keep my face to myself.

  26. I’m the least photogenic person on the planet. My eyes are always closed. A few years ago I was in a wedding party and ruined every single photo. Every. Single. Photo. The bride was pissed. When I make a conscious effort to keep my eyes open I look like i’m in a constant state of surprise. Kind of like your “tracking hilarious” photo.

    Reggie is much more photogenic than me.

    PS – I don’t think you’ll regret this post. Nah.

  27. Regret this post? No way! Those pictures are way too awesome. 🙂 I was really as I scrolled through each one that I was mimicking your faces…
    I went with my gravatar pic because it jives well with my inner nerd and the big glasses seemed fitting for my foray into writing. Plus it makes people laugh and that just makes me happy!

  28. Hells, yeah! Honest pictures of real people being real! My avatar followed all the traditional rules, except I am noticeably far away from the camera and looking in the other direction. I wonder if there is a way to set a timer on a webcam so you could really catch yourself as you are? Frightening thought. Hilarious post! No regrets!

  29. Did you make yourself laugh doing those pictures? I bet you did.

    My son snapped my picture on Photo Booth, because I didn’t know how. He was probably calling me an idiot at the time.

    1. Charles, I laughed hysterically before, during and, especially, after I took those pics. Actually, each time I see the last one, I laugh. Not a good sign that I crack myself up.

      Your son took your photo? He’s good. It’s perfect!

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  31. Great pictures! Brave woman!

    I chose my profile picture because I wanted to show I’m a real person, but not show my whole face–leave people guessing. I supposed it was my attempt to be a bit mysterious. Scorpios are supposed to be mysterious, right?

    1. I cannot believe you just recently showed the world the lower half of your face! You should do it more often. Actually, I like your pic because it’s definitely mysterious and really shows off your eyes….

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  33. My avatar is a two year old picture of me, the only thing different is the hair. It is now shorter and blonder.

    I thought this was the funniest thing I have read thus far this morning, the only thing that saved my screen? I had already swallowed my coffee. You are wonderful!

          1. Actually, I am a terrible liar. It is one of my worst flaws. My inability to lie efficiently and effectively. I wish I could lie better. Instead, people just go along thinking I am a really nice person instead I say something outrageous, like “Did you look in the mirror today? Why ever did you leave the house wearing that? I someone paying you to look ridiculous?”

            Then they realize, no not nice at all.

  34. You make me laugh a lot, Darla. Those faces are so funny. And your lips are so pliable. I admire your talents. As you know, I have NO photos of me prominently displayed on my blog or in my Gravatar. I have no photos of me on Facebook either. I chose the sniper kitty photo for my Gravatar because it just *felt* right. It spoke to me, it felt like the right attitude. And it reminded me of my beloved Pickles—I didn’t have her as a kitten but that was her personality: cute but deadly.

    1. Y’know, now that you said it, my lips ARE pretty damn pliable. Thanks, Weebs. I used to think they were just flabby.

      As much as I love your gravatar, the photos of you I’ve seen (especially the one where you’re flipping the bird) are so perfect.

    1. Nothing can beat the half-face. And I don’t think I ever told you how much I love all your new blog banners. I tried to redo my banner and gave up. “I’ll just go with the sunset again. Sigh….”

      1. Thanks… I like them, but they also look cheap, and I can’t seem to get them to look better. The “banner” option with my template is pretty limited. I like everything else about it, but that BANNER. CURSES.

  35. Melanie

    I think you should submit your gravatar question to the Daily Post for a Daily Prompt. Mine has such a long story. Short version is I didn’t like any part of the picture but the bottom half with my boots, my dress, and the old fashioned charcoal grill with a vegetarians nightmare sizzling away. Even though I’m not anonymous anymore, I still like it and I don’t want to change it because it’s easily recognized as me. I think people see it in the Likes and comments and know, oh that’s that odd lady who can’t figure out if she’s going to be serious or funny.
    P.S. Your brand of humor is fan-tab-u-lous.
    P.P.S. this post is pee-pee worthy. oh my laughter!

    1. I have to say, your avatar is so good and original. You’re right to keep it. I agree that people come to recognize a person immediately by their gravatar. I will probably never change mine now for that reason. In the beginning, I changed mine too many times. Finally, I settled on the plaid and the coffee because really, those are the two things that define me most. Thanks for your comment about the pee-pee worthy. Made my day!

  36. I love your Simpson’s profile, Darla. Must. Have. This.
    My coming out party for using my own photo – no compelling story here – I just got tired of my avatar. While I’d love to have my own Simpson’s photo, I’ll stick with my mug out of pure laziness. (Homer Simpson would like that rationale.)

    1. I googled profile pics and the simpsons one came up and I thought that would be hilarious to create myself. My kids also love the simpsons so I made sure to make one for them too. I hear you on the laziness. I don’t think I’ll ever bother to change my gravatar now.

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  38. My first blog icon was me snuggling with my dog. After about a year, a blogging buddy kindly suggested it was way too crappy for the blog. I found this pic of me typing madly through all hours of my friend’s visit to Japan and knew it was The One. For now. Still. 🙂

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