Words of Wisdom from the Wee Ones

While grocery shopping with my six-year-old daughter, little Miss J:

Miss J: Mommy, y’know what?198481_10150183247247873_525857_n

Me: What?

J (yelling): When you drink milk, it makes your boobs big!

Me: Excuse me?

J: The more milk you drink, the bigger your boobs!

Me: What?!

J: It’s true. Gabriel told me. (Gabriel is a five year old boy in her class)

Me: Um….no. Just no.

J: Can I have some milk?

Me: No.

J: (tries to lift my shirt)

Me: What are you doing?

J: C’mon! Lemme see yours!

Me: No, stop that! (she tries to stick her head underneath my shirt, old lady buying produce glares at me)

J: Hmm…

Me: Get outta there!

J: (walks slowly away, tapping her finger to her lips) Hmm…
How much milk do you drink, Mommy?

Me: What? Why?

J: Nothing.

Me: What are you trying to say?

J: It’s just that…well…I’ve seen worse.

(still not sure if I should take that as a compliment)______________________________________

Miss J wanders into the kitchen, tears streaming down her face.

Me: What’s wrong, sweetie?483644_10151380954547873_1466432138_n

Miss J: I want a baby sister.

Me: Oh ha ha! Well, now! No…sorry, you can’t have one.

Miss J: Why? I want one!

Me: I’m afraid that’s impossible, mommy can’t have more babies.

Miss J: (looking horrified) You mean, I can only have the ONE BROTHER?

Me: Yup. Just the one brother.

Miss J: You mean to tell me….that I (pointing finger in the air with each word) am STUCK…with THIS KID

Me: Yup. Well, until you move out, go to college or get married one day, so it won’t be for the rest of your life–

Miss J: I’m marrying Daddy.

My husband and I had a rare day off together and my daughter asked us what we were planning to do all day. We informed her we would be spending it having some “alone time”, like grown-ups sometimes like to do. So we dropped the kids off at school in the morning. As she was walking away into a huge crowd of kids, parents and teachers she stopped, turned around and yelled, “Have fun kissing and getting married today, guys!”

From my ten-year-old son:

CJ: I really, really, really want to go to the chorus concert tonight at school!IMG_2331

Me: You don’t sing.

CJ: So?

Me: You’re not in chorus.

CJ: I just wanna go.

Me: You hate music.

CJ: I just really wanna go, that’s all.

Me: Who is she?

CJ: Huh?

Me: What’s the girl’s name?

CJ: I don’t know.

Me: Is it Jessica?

CJ: Whatever.

Me: Matilda?

CJ: It’s Courtney! Not Matilda!

Me: Ohhhhhh. So your girlfriend’s name is Courtney!

(His sister starts dancing around him while singing, “He loves Courtney! He wants to kiss her!”)

CJ: She is NOT my girlfriend. Just a friend. But she is girl.
(pause) That’s a friend. And stop singing that mom, it’s not funny.

Me: What do you think having a girlfriend means?

CJ: Well, first you ask her to date you. Then you date for like…three weeks. But only after three weeks, can you kiss her. Then, if she doesn’t dump you, you keep dating and kissing until you’re, like, in college. Then you get your degree in engineering, buy her a house so you can give her a ring and ask her to marry you.

Me: Yup. That’s pretty much it.

CJ: So Courtney is NOT my girlfriend. I don’t want a girlfriend, like ever. Never ever.

Me: My work here is done.

What enlightening or embarrassing things have your kids said to you lately? Please, tell me, I need to feel I’m not alone.

132 thoughts on “Words of Wisdom from the Wee Ones

  1. It’s been boring around here. My kids have just been driving me crazy. I wish they would say something funny! Love the milk one. If that were the case, I’d be drinking milk all day.

  2. I LOVE kid concepts of dating. My oldest (7) has been known to say that you can’t kiss until you get married. Yep, let’s go with that. (Since then, I believe the story has changed, but he also no longer has a girlfriend, so I think I’m safe . . . for now).

    1. Exactly. Julia has totally adored her father from day one and I have a feeling that will never change. The sun rises and sets with her daddy. It’s really funny how my son is a “mama’s boy” and my daughter is a total “daddy’s girl”.

  3. Snoring Dog Studio

    Hilarious! That milk thing does not work. But perhaps you should let her believe that. It’s cheaper than booze.

    1. I had his parent-teacher conference last night and the teacher said he was a “math genius” and would most likely end up as a civil or electrical engineer one day. He yelled “Oh no, I’m gonna be a mechanical engineer!” Good to know he’s got his future all figured out already. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

  4. When Carissa (now age 18) was about 3, we were in Target and I needed a new bra. I was perusing the selection, along with what, after the fact, appeared to be the entire population of Orlando. Suddenly she yells (as only 3-year-olds can), “MOMMY! WILL MY BOOBS BE AS BIG AS YOURS SOMEDAY?!” Several snickers ensued as I tried my best to quickly slink away.

    1. Haha! Oh, you know, there is only so much marrying a woman can do in one day. J loves to watch Disney princess movies and they are always getting married in them. Naturally, she thinks that’s what grown-ups do in their spare time.

    1. Hahaha!! Oh god that is funny. I just had the swear word conversation with my kids again this week. I heard them saying all sorts of things. I told them not to call each other “stupid” because it’s not nice. My son said, “can I say (bleep) then instead?” Oh, man, I have my work cut out for me.

  5. And this is why I need to stop by your blog first thing in the morning! I think it’s adorable that your daughter wanted another sibling but settled on marrying daddy instead. My daughter begged to have a sister for nearly an entire year. She finally got her wish!

    Speaking of pregnancy, yesterday we were at a parent-teacher conference, at which time, my husband and I made the announcement we were expecting The teacher lit up and asked my daughter if she was excited. She said, “Yeah, I’m excited but I’m also bored.” The teacher then proceeded to ask her “Why?” To which she replied, “Because mom sleeps on the couch all day and we watch too much T.V.” I about died!

    1. That is classic! Well, at least you DO have an excuse, being pregnant. What’s mine?

      I love how these zingers ONLY come out when you’re sitting in front of the teacher at a conference, with other parents in the classroom within earshot, of course.

  6. From your kids to your mom…your family is just AWESOME!
    I WISH drinking more milk had something to do with bigger boobs… Oops, spilled some milk on my shirt.
    Haha, sounds like your boy understands dating and has decided it’s not worth all the drama/trouble. Smart kid. 😉

    1. Peg, she is something. I was berating her about some annoying behavior she was doing last week. I was stern, not yelling at all. But she was driving me up a wall and I was losing it.

      She started sniffing and walked away. A few minutes later she came back, hand on her hip and said “Mommy, I don’t like what you said to me, I find it to be very rude. Next time try to say it in a nicer way, please? Okay?” (I am soooo very screwed)

  7. I was chastised about the milk/boob relationship by a *50 year old woman* in our staff room at one of my first jobs! We were all eating lunch when she launched into a diatribe– unprovoked– about how my boobs wouldn’t be nearly so large if I didn’t drink milk. I was mortified, of course, but you know what? Since I stopped drinking milk and eating dairy 3 years ago… my boobs HAVE gotten smaller. A whole cup size smaller (which is awesome– can finally buy bras in the same stores as everybody else)! Crazy staff room lady (and your non-crazy daughter!) might actually be on to something. 😉

    PS: I love the line about her marrying Daddy. Love love love it!

    1. God, y’know, there probably IS truth to that, Dana. Growth-hormones and all that scary stuff. But, sad (or happy) to say, my kids drink only Hood milk (no growth hormones) or soy milk. But then, isn’t soy milk linked to estrogen? (Or am I making that up….I swear I read that somewhere)

      1. Soy in general is linked to estrogen, but I don’t think any long-term ill effects have been proven through research just yet. In any case, growth hormones = no good!

          1. It’s a hot button issue, but we all have to do what feels best for ourselves! I’m in love with almond milk, but Marty prefers rice milk and we both heart coconut milk in our smoothies. It’s all good, right?

      2. I drink soy all the time. I got it for my girls years ago because I read some research indicates it has anti-cancer properties for girls if they ingest it in their teens/early adulthood.

        As far as the estrogen, my sister is a breast cancer survivor (very early stages, thank God) and is on Tamoxifen for several years, and her doctor said no soy for her. There is some sort of link.

        It’s hard to know what to do!

  8. Well, the kiddo had a tooth pulled at the dentist the other day. (It was his “shark” tooth- the adult tooth came in outside the baby tooth, and the baby tooth didn’t come all the way out). Anyway, as we were leaving, the dentist said to him that this was his last baby tooth. So the kid said, “If that was my last baby tooth, am I an adult now?”

    Your daughter is brilliant! And I’m glad that we’re not into the liking girls stage quite yet- although I think it might not be long off.

    1. Aw, his last baby tooth! C still has five left to come out. Seems like it’s taking him forever. As for growing up, I’ve also been warned that next year my son will suddenly take to wearing cologne and going to dances. I don’t think so, but then I’ve been known to live happily in the land in denial.

      1. Just make sure that Axe cologne doesn’t ever cross your threshold, or you’ll have to have the whole place fumigated. Company has the best marketing program and the worst smell I’ve ever experienced.

  9. If only we could just bottle our kids when they are small, cute, pre-teens.

    I can remember thinking just like your daughter that boobs=milk. But unlike Dana above, I have above-average sized boobs but not a great fondness for milk.

  10. Oh MY GOODNESS!!! Your kids are so delicious. I love LOVE this post!!! I got stuff too, but it’s not nearly as funny. My kids are totally dead set against me putting anything on Facebook. I have been banned, prohibited, restricted. I haven’t posted anything about them in like a year. Their aunts and uncles have no idea how much they’ve grown. Yet still…in the middle of the day I hear their whispers to each other…”NOOOOOO!!! Don’t tell Mommy or she’ll put it on Facebook!!!”

    Really. Really? I give up. If I’m going to be blamed for it, I might as well be doing it.

    1. I’m sure that day will come for me too. This is why I do it now, it’s my only chance. I imagine I’ll have to have these blog posts destroyed once they figure out what a blog is. As for facebook, my son is already mortified by anything I put on there. Good thing he rarely goes on FB (so far I know that will change drastically when he’s a teen)

  11. Kids provide such entertainment. I think your daughter should give my now 20 year old a buzz about that whole brother issue….she still, on occasion, puts in a request for a sister from these old double knotted and severed fallopian tubes.

    1. heehee! I didn’t have the heart to tell my daughter that the baby ship had sailed away a few years ago along with my uterus….I’ll save that story for when she’s 20. Don’t wanna traumatize the poor girl.

  12. Just yesterday as she was leaving her preschool, one of my daughter’s classmates hugged her and said, “Goodbye, cutie pie!”

    Adorable, but now I’ve got my eye on that kid.

    1. Oh I hear you. Last night at the parent/teacher conference, my daughter’s teacher told me she was doing great in school BUT she “needs to stop giggling so much with Gabriel”. Yes, the same Gabriel that told her milk makes boobs big. I’ve got my eye on Gabriel now for sure.

          1. Haha! You’d best start searching. It’ll happen when you least expect it too. Did for me. I had just gone on my last horrible date and told my brother “I will never ever ever find someone” then the next week, I did. You’ve got to keep the faith.

          2. Just last week, I was telling a couple of my close friends that same line, “I will never ever find someone to marry”. Does that mean this week has something in store for me too!! 🙂

          3. I truly believe that sometimes when you stop looking, it’ll happen. This has been my truth in my life anyway. When I was trying to get pregnant, we couldn’t for years. The second we “gave up” I got pregnant. I do think letting go and being at peace with things almost frees up the universe and things start to happen the way they’re meant to.

          4. I agree with you completely on this Darla. Since I’ve started growing up, it was always my dream to write and make films. I never ever realized when my dream went on to become my first love. But as I was born and brought up in an interior part without much exposure to what happening across the world; so somehow that dream of mine started dissolving in reality of life. Then I went on to become a computer Engineer, and suddenly one night I heard about this whole blogging stuff from one of my friend while we had a small party inside our room. With in next few hours I’d my own blog and in next one year I had my own book. I know my book has not topped the chart, but it has given me enough reason to feel happy and satisfied. At least it gave me a chance to do what I always wanted to do.
            So yes, as you say when you stop looking, it’ll happen. 🙂
            I am sorry I’ve taken a lot of space in your comment section. 🙂

  13. Any truth to the rumor that chocolate milk will give you bigger boobs with a nice tan on ’em?

    I don’t think either of my daughters EVER wanted to marry me, and I don’t recall my son ever wanting to marry Mom. Maybe we set such a horrible example that they all decided to just avoid matrimony in general.

    1. I think my daughter only said she’ll marry her daddy because she really wants to get away from her brother. She’s lucky she only has the one brother. When I tell her I had five brothers her eyes get real wide and she says “Did you run away?” I only wish I could have sometimes.

          1. OH no, no, no… See, after I sent my reply I thought, Holy crap, Dave’s gonna think that! I meant it purely in the context of MYSELF and who I am today thanks to my dear beloved brothers…..Brothers will beat a sister down and steal her soul. But I’m not bitter. Clearly.

      1. I bet you guys would have been very protective of her. To be honest, my brothers certainly are MUCH nicer to me today. They don’t even give me any noogies or charlie horses anymore. They know I could probably kick their ass.

  14. I never knew what “alone time” was until now. The only thing my son says—and quite frequently–is “mommy has a mustache.” It does wonders for my self esteem.

  15. Hi, I just started following your blog today (or was it tomorrow?) anyways, I had fun reading stories about your kids. They are very smart (well, kids nowadays). Well I just got married and I don’t feel ready to have kids on my own. But when I do, I’ll make sure I have read all of your stories. To get me prepared. Hahahaha

    1. Oh, JD. You will meet one day. Just today she was so cute. I gave her some Tylenol, then she decided to color some eggs after all. While she was coloring them she was singing to herself “Jules Rules and Boys Drool” I think that should be your new motto as well.

  16. I tried to get my daughter’s coat on the other day (she’s 7). It was below freezing. ‘Mum it isn’t cold. It’s like child protection or something. You’re ALWAYS doing child protection!’ (throws hands in the air). Lots of others like that…… Thanks for making me smile 🙂

    1. Ha! Love that. “always doing child protection”. And what is it about girls always throwing their hands in the air. My daughter does that or she points dramatically at the sky when she’s talking.

  17. Great vignettes, Darla. Again, they bring back memories of when our girls were young. I had a little notebook with some of their witticisms. When they found it, they sat there and laughed themselves silly. I’m betting Miss J will do the same.

  18. That stupid old milk ad from the ’80s! That’s when that “milk makes your boobs grow” idea started circulating. Please tell me you remember that commercial — the skinny pre-adolescent girl (sort of what I look like now) standing in front of the mirror saying, “I’m drinking milk, and one day…blah, blah, blah” and then, like, Dolly Parton or someone appears in the mirror in front of her as her “future.”

    Your kids say the darndest things.

    1. AH! Yes I do remember that. GOOD GOD! Oh, the horror! The mammary nightmares I had from that. The countless nights I drank milk, then did my special Judy Blume “we must increase our bust!” moves. And look where it got me, Angie. Nowhere. I’ve got zip to show for it. I demand a refund, milk companies!

  19. redtwiz

    My son told me the other day, ‘he was soooo cold he was going to turn into an ice pube’. 🙂 The things that come out of their mouths. Loved this blog.

  20. It’s been too long since our son was little for him to embarrass me. I”m having fun embarrassing him now. 🙂 But your kids are so funny!! I love how the minds of kids work. (I know, I should be watching Mad Men but I’m saving it until I’m done hanging out here. ;-))

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