While grocery shopping with my six-year-old daughter, little Miss J:
Miss J: Mommy, y’know what?
Me: What?
J (yelling): When you drink milk, it makes your boobs big!
Me: Excuse me?
J: The more milk you drink, the bigger your boobs!
Me: What?!
J: It’s true. Gabriel told me. (Gabriel is a five year old boy in her class)
Me: Um….no. Just no.
J: Can I have some milk?
Me: No.
J: (tries to lift my shirt)
Me: What are you doing?
J: C’mon! Lemme see yours!
Me: No, stop that! (she tries to stick her head underneath my shirt, old lady buying produce glares at me)
J: Hmm…
Me: Get outta there!
J: (walks slowly away, tapping her finger to her lips) Hmm…
How much milk do you drink, Mommy?
Me: What? Why?
J: Nothing.
Me: What are you trying to say?
J: It’s just that…well…I’ve seen worse.
(still not sure if I should take that as a compliment)______________________________________
Miss J wanders into the kitchen, tears streaming down her face.
Me: What’s wrong, sweetie?
Miss J: I want a baby sister.
Me: Oh ha ha! Well, now! No…sorry, you can’t have one.
Miss J: Why? I want one!
Me: I’m afraid that’s impossible, mommy can’t have more babies.
Miss J: (looking horrified) You mean, I can only have the ONE BROTHER?
Me: Yup. Just the one brother.
Miss J: You mean to tell me….that I (pointing finger in the air with each word) am STUCK…with THIS KID…
in THIS HOUSE….for the REST OF MY LIFE?
Me: Yup. Well, until you move out, go to college or get married one day, so it won’t be for the rest of your life–
Miss J: I’m marrying Daddy.
__________________________________________________________________
My husband and I had a rare day off together and my daughter asked us what we were planning to do all day. We informed her we would be spending it having some “alone time”, like grown-ups sometimes like to do. So we dropped the kids off at school in the morning. As she was walking away into a huge crowd of kids, parents and teachers she stopped, turned around and yelled, “Have fun kissing and getting married today, guys!”
From my ten-year-old son:
CJ: I really, really, really want to go to the chorus concert tonight at school!
Me: You don’t sing.
CJ: So?
Me: You’re not in chorus.
CJ: I just wanna go.
Me: You hate music.
CJ: I just really wanna go, that’s all.
Me: Who is she?
CJ: Huh?
Me: What’s the girl’s name?
CJ: I don’t know.
Me: Is it Jessica?
CJ: Whatever.
Me: Matilda?
CJ: It’s Courtney! Not Matilda!
Me: Ohhhhhh. So your girlfriend’s name is Courtney!
(His sister starts dancing around him while singing, “He loves Courtney! He wants to kiss her!”)
CJ: She is NOT my girlfriend. Just a friend. But she is girl.
(pause) That’s a friend. And stop singing that mom, it’s not funny.
Me: What do you think having a girlfriend means?
CJ: Well, first you ask her to date you. Then you date for like…three weeks. But only after three weeks, can you kiss her. Then, if she doesn’t dump you, you keep dating and kissing until you’re, like, in college. Then you get your degree in engineering, buy her a house so you can give her a ring and ask her to marry you.
Me: Yup. That’s pretty much it.
CJ: So Courtney is NOT my girlfriend. I don’t want a girlfriend, like ever. Never ever.
Me: My work here is done.
What enlightening or embarrassing things have your kids said to you lately? Please, tell me, I need to feel I’m not alone.
She's A Maineiac 
It’s been boring around here. My kids have just been driving me crazy. I wish they would say something funny! Love the milk one. If that were the case, I’d be drinking milk all day.
Huh? (gulping down a tall glass of milk) What? (wiping milk moustache away) Oh, no…I’m not falling for the milk theory..
You, uh, dribbled a little.
I LOVE kid concepts of dating. My oldest (7) has been known to say that you can’t kiss until you get married. Yep, let’s go with that. (Since then, I believe the story has changed, but he also no longer has a girlfriend, so I think I’m safe . . . for now).
I love how he thinks it’s only all about kissing and I intend to keep it that way at least until he’s 25 and has a degree in engineering.
peek-a-boo
I love that both of my girls still want to marry their dad. When that changes? I’m moving out.
Thanks to you and your babies for the early-morning laughs, Darla!
Exactly. Julia has totally adored her father from day one and I have a feeling that will never change. The sun rises and sets with her daddy. It’s really funny how my son is a “mama’s boy” and my daughter is a total “daddy’s girl”.
Hilarious! That milk thing does not work. But perhaps you should let her believe that. It’s cheaper than booze.
I can also vouch for the milk theory not being true. So sad, really. Still, I hold out hope that a frequent glass of white wine might do the trick.
Glad he included the degree in engineering. I think CJ will be going places in the love and career departments of life.
I had his parent-teacher conference last night and the teacher said he was a “math genius” and would most likely end up as a civil or electrical engineer one day. He yelled “Oh no, I’m gonna be a mechanical engineer!” Good to know he’s got his future all figured out already. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.
When Carissa (now age 18) was about 3, we were in Target and I needed a new bra. I was perusing the selection, along with what, after the fact, appeared to be the entire population of Orlando. Suddenly she yells (as only 3-year-olds can), “MOMMY! WILL MY BOOBS BE AS BIG AS YOURS SOMEDAY?!” Several snickers ensued as I tried my best to quickly slink away.
Ha! Oh, Kim. If I had a nickel for every time J asked me if her boobs would be as big as mine one day. And she only asks me this while in a huge line at Target. Why is that?
The wee ones are wise, Darla. I will miss these sorts of conversations when the kids are bigger. This is gold.
This is why I blog about it, so I’ll have stuff with which to blackmail them later on when they’re teens.
Oh how I wish I had a blog when my son was growing up. He said all sorts of funny things. Now that he’s nearly 27, he just says wise things. 😐
I bet. I can hardly picture my son as a teen, let alone he’s almost 30, I’ll probably be in a nursing home by then, so no worries.
Oh no you won’t. You’ll be blogging all his words of wisdom and wondering how he got so wise… 😉
I am glad you took time from the kissing and getting married stuff to share these 🙂
Haha! Oh, you know, there is only so much marrying a woman can do in one day. J loves to watch Disney princess movies and they are always getting married in them. Naturally, she thinks that’s what grown-ups do in their spare time.
“I’m marrying Daddy.” Uh-oh…competition.
And she has him wrapped around her little finger for life.
mine are 22 and 27 – both have told me that because I told them fart was a swear word they were made fun of in school and are just starting to forgive me now
Hahaha!! Oh god that is funny. I just had the swear word conversation with my kids again this week. I heard them saying all sorts of things. I told them not to call each other “stupid” because it’s not nice. My son said, “can I say (bleep) then instead?” Oh, man, I have my work cut out for me.
apparently telling them fart is a swear word makes their life at school unpleasant so don’t do that (lol)
Duly noted!
And this is why I need to stop by your blog first thing in the morning! I think it’s adorable that your daughter wanted another sibling but settled on marrying daddy instead. My daughter begged to have a sister for nearly an entire year. She finally got her wish!
Speaking of pregnancy, yesterday we were at a parent-teacher conference, at which time, my husband and I made the announcement we were expecting The teacher lit up and asked my daughter if she was excited. She said, “Yeah, I’m excited but I’m also bored.” The teacher then proceeded to ask her “Why?” To which she replied, “Because mom sleeps on the couch all day and we watch too much T.V.” I about died!
That is classic! Well, at least you DO have an excuse, being pregnant. What’s mine?
I love how these zingers ONLY come out when you’re sitting in front of the teacher at a conference, with other parents in the classroom within earshot, of course.
Oh man, that 5-year-old kid on the playground is an idiot. Everyone knows girls get boobs by taking hits off a helium tank and then pushing really hard.
bwah ha haa! I have nothing else to say but I read this twice and laughed both times. Yeah, helium doesn’t work. Just gives you a monster headache.
You know, no offense to Miss J, but I don’t think the milk thing is true. I drank milk a lot as a kid and let’s just say I’m no Sofia Vergara.
Sigh. Me neither. Such a shame. I’d love to be on Modern Family.
From your kids to your mom…your family is just AWESOME!
I WISH drinking more milk had something to do with bigger boobs… Oops, spilled some milk on my shirt.
Haha, sounds like your boy understands dating and has decided it’s not worth all the drama/trouble. Smart kid. 😉
It is my fondest wish that my son keeps on thinking these things for at least another decade or two. A mom can dream.
the boob thing is quite funny and it ACTUALLY makes a whole lot of sense!
It does. She’s asked me in the past about when I breastfed her as a baby, so it only seems logical to think boobs are made of milk, so drink more milk, you get more boobs.
I wish I had some stories to impart – god my cat is boring!
If only you could tap into what he’s thinking, Joe. You’d have blog gold.
The first post would be about gender confusion as she’s a girl 😀 Everyone thinks she’s a boy though, she’s not very ladylike,
ha ha ha! Thanks for explaining the milk/boob relationship. Oh, BOY is your daughter going to give you trouble when she’s a teenager. (shakes head sadly)
Peg, she is something. I was berating her about some annoying behavior she was doing last week. I was stern, not yelling at all. But she was driving me up a wall and I was losing it.
She started sniffing and walked away. A few minutes later she came back, hand on her hip and said “Mommy, I don’t like what you said to me, I find it to be very rude. Next time try to say it in a nicer way, please? Okay?” (I am soooo very screwed)
Aren’t kids the greatest?
They certainly can be if they choose to be. I assumed your kids are old enough to impart wisdom on you?
The twins are, but they rarely do…
Yeah, I have to admit these gems above where gleaned from weeks of other conversations that normally involved things like: “Quit touching me! Mom! He’s a poopy head!”
I was chastised about the milk/boob relationship by a *50 year old woman* in our staff room at one of my first jobs! We were all eating lunch when she launched into a diatribe– unprovoked– about how my boobs wouldn’t be nearly so large if I didn’t drink milk. I was mortified, of course, but you know what? Since I stopped drinking milk and eating dairy 3 years ago… my boobs HAVE gotten smaller. A whole cup size smaller (which is awesome– can finally buy bras in the same stores as everybody else)! Crazy staff room lady (and your non-crazy daughter!) might actually be on to something. 😉
PS: I love the line about her marrying Daddy. Love love love it!
God, y’know, there probably IS truth to that, Dana. Growth-hormones and all that scary stuff. But, sad (or happy) to say, my kids drink only Hood milk (no growth hormones) or soy milk. But then, isn’t soy milk linked to estrogen? (Or am I making that up….I swear I read that somewhere)
Soy in general is linked to estrogen, but I don’t think any long-term ill effects have been proven through research just yet. In any case, growth hormones = no good!
That’s good to know because my son lives on soy milk. He was allergic to milk as a baby and never liked cow’s milk anyway.
It’s a hot button issue, but we all have to do what feels best for ourselves! I’m in love with almond milk, but Marty prefers rice milk and we both heart coconut milk in our smoothies. It’s all good, right?
Coconut sounds good! I love soy. And yeah, it’s all good. Doesn’t make our boobs any bigger, but still good.
I drink soy all the time. I got it for my girls years ago because I read some research indicates it has anti-cancer properties for girls if they ingest it in their teens/early adulthood.
As far as the estrogen, my sister is a breast cancer survivor (very early stages, thank God) and is on Tamoxifen for several years, and her doctor said no soy for her. There is some sort of link.
It’s hard to know what to do!
It is hard to know what’s right. You hear so many conflicting theories. I suppose you just have to research and not go overboard with any one product.
My son continues to tell that he thinks it is ‘ridiculous’ that girls don’t have ‘weiners.’ His theory is that it is just ‘doesn’t make sense to pee that way.’
Hahahaha! He’s really onto something there. My daughter does bring up the same thing often and usually in a very crowded and echoing Walmart bathroom.
Home Depot bathroom … just the other day
please tell me he didn’t also try to use the toilet on display….?
hahaha … no, the real, functioning one at the back of the store 🙂
Well, the kiddo had a tooth pulled at the dentist the other day. (It was his “shark” tooth- the adult tooth came in outside the baby tooth, and the baby tooth didn’t come all the way out). Anyway, as we were leaving, the dentist said to him that this was his last baby tooth. So the kid said, “If that was my last baby tooth, am I an adult now?”
Your daughter is brilliant! And I’m glad that we’re not into the liking girls stage quite yet- although I think it might not be long off.
Aw, his last baby tooth! C still has five left to come out. Seems like it’s taking him forever. As for growing up, I’ve also been warned that next year my son will suddenly take to wearing cologne and going to dances. I don’t think so, but then I’ve been known to live happily in the land in denial.
Just make sure that Axe cologne doesn’t ever cross your threshold, or you’ll have to have the whole place fumigated. Company has the best marketing program and the worst smell I’ve ever experienced.
I have heard so many horror stories about Axe. My nephew is 11 years old and my brother told me he takes baths in the stuff. Just horrible.
If only we could just bottle our kids when they are small, cute, pre-teens.
I can remember thinking just like your daughter that boobs=milk. But unlike Dana above, I have above-average sized boobs but not a great fondness for milk.
Aha. SO it’s less milk, more boobs! Explains so much in my case. Too late now anyway as it doesn’t really matter the size, just the direction they point.
It’s all down hill from here, Darla. But I did drink quite a bit as a kid.
Me too. On both counts. It IS downhill and I drink milk all the time even today.
HAHA! Downhill is where they point after 40, hmmm?
I have no clue what you mean, Peg? (I was never good at lying)
Oh MY GOODNESS!!! Your kids are so delicious. I love LOVE this post!!! I got stuff too, but it’s not nearly as funny. My kids are totally dead set against me putting anything on Facebook. I have been banned, prohibited, restricted. I haven’t posted anything about them in like a year. Their aunts and uncles have no idea how much they’ve grown. Yet still…in the middle of the day I hear their whispers to each other…”NOOOOOO!!! Don’t tell Mommy or she’ll put it on Facebook!!!”
Really. Really? I give up. If I’m going to be blamed for it, I might as well be doing it.
I’m sure that day will come for me too. This is why I do it now, it’s my only chance. I imagine I’ll have to have these blog posts destroyed once they figure out what a blog is. As for facebook, my son is already mortified by anything I put on there. Good thing he rarely goes on FB (so far I know that will change drastically when he’s a teen)
Kids provide such entertainment. I think your daughter should give my now 20 year old a buzz about that whole brother issue….she still, on occasion, puts in a request for a sister from these old double knotted and severed fallopian tubes.
heehee! I didn’t have the heart to tell my daughter that the baby ship had sailed away a few years ago along with my uterus….I’ll save that story for when she’s 20. Don’t wanna traumatize the poor girl.
Just yesterday as she was leaving her preschool, one of my daughter’s classmates hugged her and said, “Goodbye, cutie pie!”
Adorable, but now I’ve got my eye on that kid.
Oh I hear you. Last night at the parent/teacher conference, my daughter’s teacher told me she was doing great in school BUT she “needs to stop giggling so much with Gabriel”. Yes, the same Gabriel that told her milk makes boobs big. I’ve got my eye on Gabriel now for sure.
Noah wanted something REALLY BAD once, and Hot Joe told him, “Sorry, kid, you’re SOL.” He went about his business but decided to return to the topic. “Please, Dad! SOL! I really wan’t it!”
SOL!! Haha! Oh, well, I’m with Noah. I didn’t know what that meant until I googled it just now. Gotta keep up with the current slang.
ha ha! Darla, I am still laughing! 🙂
You should have some kids, Arindam, they’ll keep you laughing and crying all day long…
But for that have first I’ve to find someone to marry!! 🙂 And I do not think that part will keep me laughing all day, but crying for sure!! 🙂
You’re still so young, you’ve got plenty of time. I didn’t even meet my husband until I was 28 years old.
Really! Then I’ve still three months left to find her!! 🙂
Haha! You’d best start searching. It’ll happen when you least expect it too. Did for me. I had just gone on my last horrible date and told my brother “I will never ever ever find someone” then the next week, I did. You’ve got to keep the faith.
Just last week, I was telling a couple of my close friends that same line, “I will never ever find someone to marry”. Does that mean this week has something in store for me too!! 🙂
I truly believe that sometimes when you stop looking, it’ll happen. This has been my truth in my life anyway. When I was trying to get pregnant, we couldn’t for years. The second we “gave up” I got pregnant. I do think letting go and being at peace with things almost frees up the universe and things start to happen the way they’re meant to.
I agree with you completely on this Darla. Since I’ve started growing up, it was always my dream to write and make films. I never ever realized when my dream went on to become my first love. But as I was born and brought up in an interior part without much exposure to what happening across the world; so somehow that dream of mine started dissolving in reality of life. Then I went on to become a computer Engineer, and suddenly one night I heard about this whole blogging stuff from one of my friend while we had a small party inside our room. With in next few hours I’d my own blog and in next one year I had my own book. I know my book has not topped the chart, but it has given me enough reason to feel happy and satisfied. At least it gave me a chance to do what I always wanted to do.
So yes, as you say when you stop looking, it’ll happen. 🙂
I am sorry I’ve taken a lot of space in your comment section. 🙂
Any truth to the rumor that chocolate milk will give you bigger boobs with a nice tan on ’em?
I don’t think either of my daughters EVER wanted to marry me, and I don’t recall my son ever wanting to marry Mom. Maybe we set such a horrible example that they all decided to just avoid matrimony in general.
I think my daughter only said she’ll marry her daddy because she really wants to get away from her brother. She’s lucky she only has the one brother. When I tell her I had five brothers her eyes get real wide and she says “Did you run away?” I only wish I could have sometimes.
My three brothers and I had no sisters. We’ve often speculated on what kind of existence a sister would have had in our brood.
She would have grown up to be a grumpy blogger, full of bitterness and self-loathing?
Are you implying that she would have just been a female version of yours truly?!
OH no, no, no… See, after I sent my reply I thought, Holy crap, Dave’s gonna think that! I meant it purely in the context of MYSELF and who I am today thanks to my dear beloved brothers…..Brothers will beat a sister down and steal her soul. But I’m not bitter. Clearly.
We used to imagine ourselves as potentially chivalrous and protective of our imaginary sister, but in reality, we would have been awful.
Not that I’m self-loathing….just full of buried rage for all those times they sat on my head and farted.
OK, I am full of grumpiness, self-loathing and bitterness. There I said it. I feel so much better now.
I bet you guys would have been very protective of her. To be honest, my brothers certainly are MUCH nicer to me today. They don’t even give me any noogies or charlie horses anymore. They know I could probably kick their ass.
Those kids are a hoot. I wonder where they got that from… 🙂
Not me. I am rarely funny. Yep. Every day is such a bummer when I’m around…Always so somber and grumpy.
Oh, stop it!
Your kids are hilarious! It must come from your side of the family… 🙂
You said it. Although, Jim is pretty damn goofy and silly and basically just a grown-up five year old boy.
Brilliant, love it, both of them!
thanks, I love the little buggahs too.
I never knew what “alone time” was until now. The only thing my son says—and quite frequently–is “mommy has a mustache.” It does wonders for my self esteem.
No doubt. My daughter watches me get ready every morning. I hear gems like “Why is your face so wrinkled? You have like, 5,000 wrinkles!”
Your wee ones ARE wise. And funny. And adorable.
The last one is what saves us most days, Rachel.
Hi, I just started following your blog today (or was it tomorrow?) anyways, I had fun reading stories about your kids. They are very smart (well, kids nowadays). Well I just got married and I don’t feel ready to have kids on my own. But when I do, I’ll make sure I have read all of your stories. To get me prepared. Hahahaha
Welcome to my blog! and yes, if there’s anything my blog is good for, it’s to prepare people to have kids. Or be happy they don’t have any. Either way. Best of luck to you.
Oh, out of the mouths of babes!
Beyond precious, Darla
MJ
Aren’t they though? They certainly keep me laughing and lord knows I could use all the laughter I can get.
What a hoot! Your kids sound like they keep you in stitches a lot of the time. And that is so precious. What a fun post!
Thanks, Renee. I just saw your new blog. Love it.
I. (pointing to myself). Need. To Meet. (pointing towards Maine) Miss J.
That is all.
Oh, JD. You will meet one day. Just today she was so cute. I gave her some Tylenol, then she decided to color some eggs after all. While she was coloring them she was singing to herself “Jules Rules and Boys Drool” I think that should be your new motto as well.
I tried to get my daughter’s coat on the other day (she’s 7). It was below freezing. ‘Mum it isn’t cold. It’s like child protection or something. You’re ALWAYS doing child protection!’ (throws hands in the air). Lots of others like that…… Thanks for making me smile 🙂
Ha! Love that. “always doing child protection”. And what is it about girls always throwing their hands in the air. My daughter does that or she points dramatically at the sky when she’s talking.
We also get hip hands and eye rolling. I’m so looking forward to the teenage years.
Great vignettes, Darla. Again, they bring back memories of when our girls were young. I had a little notebook with some of their witticisms. When they found it, they sat there and laughed themselves silly. I’m betting Miss J will do the same.
That is so cute, Judy. I hope 20 years from now, my kids will be able to find my old, abandoned blog and discover all these posts. And not be too embarrassed.
“Who is she?” Those three words represent years of experience, and paying attention to your kids. I love this entire post, but that was my favorite part.
You always zero right in on that stuff. My fave part too. Hopefully this means I’ll be able to deal with the teen years….
That stupid old milk ad from the ’80s! That’s when that “milk makes your boobs grow” idea started circulating. Please tell me you remember that commercial — the skinny pre-adolescent girl (sort of what I look like now) standing in front of the mirror saying, “I’m drinking milk, and one day…blah, blah, blah” and then, like, Dolly Parton or someone appears in the mirror in front of her as her “future.”
Your kids say the darndest things.
AH! Yes I do remember that. GOOD GOD! Oh, the horror! The mammary nightmares I had from that. The countless nights I drank milk, then did my special Judy Blume “we must increase our bust!” moves. And look where it got me, Angie. Nowhere. I’ve got zip to show for it. I demand a refund, milk companies!
The bigger the better the tighter the sweater the more the boys depend on us… Never heard of it.
we MUST! we MUST! we must increase our BUST!
(What kind of cockadoodle message were they sending us girls back then? oh, the humanity!)
I didn’t make it through the whole post. I’ll come back and finish after taking a break to get my wife a glass of milk.
I wonder if it does really work. Would explain why you’re always walking around with a tall glass of milk in your hands.
My son told me the other day, ‘he was soooo cold he was going to turn into an ice pube’. 🙂 The things that come out of their mouths. Loved this blog.
Haha! Classic. Hopefully he didn’t say that too loudly or in a crowded public place, like my son would have done.
It’s been too long since our son was little for him to embarrass me. I”m having fun embarrassing him now. 🙂 But your kids are so funny!! I love how the minds of kids work. (I know, I should be watching Mad Men but I’m saving it until I’m done hanging out here. ;-))
I can’t wait for the day when I can embarrass him even more. I suspect that never really goes away, no matter how old our kids get.