Hold onto your beer can hats, guys, because I have something big to tell you. Everything you ever knew about the world and how it works is about to be turned upside down.
I hate to be the one to break this to you [sigh] but here goes…
Women Prefer Men With Bigger Penises
and
Is your mind blown? Well believe it, baby. Would I lie to you? It’s been proven in recent studies. Yes! By people in white lab coats! Who are no doubt running around some freaky lab, analyzing brain scans of men drinking Heineken while women are judging their manhood on a scale from 1 to 10. My husband wants to know if they’re in need of any more test subjects because he’s available and will work for free beer.
So I’ve decided to save these scientists future time and money and let them in on a few of my own earth-shattering studies:
- When Women Ask Men “Am I Right? Well, Am I?!” They Prefer Men Nod Their Heads, Hand Them Their Credit Card And Walk Away
- When Women Ask “Does This Make My Butt Look Big?” They Prefer Men Answer, “Hell No! Never! You Have The Best, Most Perfectly Sized Ass In The Universe! Here, Take My Credit Card!”
- Husbands Who Say “I’m Sorry, I Was Wrong and You Were Right” Live Longer
- Men Prefer Women With Bigger Breasts
- Small-Breasted Women Prefer Men Who Prefer Women With Smaller Breasts
- Both Men and Women Prefer Men Have No Breasts
- Men Prefer Women Who Stop Talking For Five Seconds So They Can Watch The Game In Peace
- Women Prefer Men to Say Something, Anything, For The Love Of God Isn’t There One Tiny Spark Of A Thought Flickering Across That Simple Little Brain Of Yours?!
- Women Get Bitchy During Their Period
- Women Get Bitchy When Not On Their Period
- Women Get Bitchy, Period
- Women Like Chocolate
- When Women Eat Chocolate They Get Really Happy And Very Quiet
________________________________________________________________
So there you have it! I am so happy to enlighten you guys today. Hope you learned something.
Ladies, if you’ve done any of your own scientific studies, please, share your results below in the comments.
She's A Maineiac 
Men who do the dishes naked, get more sex….extra points if they iron too.
I will be sure to let my husband know about this as soon as possible. Although, ironing while naked could be a bit dangerous.
So is cooking bacon naked….. ❤
Cooking bacon fully clothed can be painful.
I just realized your avatar is possibly the freakiest spider I’ve ever seen. Holy crap! I think it has a face.
It does. That is Charlotte, from Tim Burton’s Charlotte’s web.
Ah! So it is Charlotte. I really need new glasses.
Lol. I have three little ones so I’m barely able to shower naked let alone do the dishes naked.
I find if you just shower fully clothed while drinking beer from a beer can hat, nothing much matters anymore.
Back when I could have fun, if I drank beer in the shower before going out, it meant that the night was going to be epic! Now it just means the kids are still awake and daddy wants to drink alone somewhere.
Hahaha!! Oh yeah. Totally. I have a hidden bottle of tequila in my bathroom for those special occasions. I remember in my 20s I’d start to drink around 9 pm. Now I’m asleep and hungover from half a glass of wine at 9 pm.
Fantastic point, Charlotte!
My beer can hat just exploded.
Speaker, I know I’ve said this before but, you have this knack to leave the funniest beer-spewing comments with the least amount of words. It’s an art and you are the master.
You’re so wise. Thank you for teaching me. Also, pretty bloggers get more likes on their posts… 😉
Glad you learned something, Austin. But I’m not so sure about your assumption, I’ll have to get prettier and find out if you are correct.
Hardy, har. At least you’re modest. 🙂
Men who acknowledge dirty dishes live longer, those who actually do the dishes well, they live longer with a smile.
Agreed! Men who don’t leave nasty, crusty food in the sink when we have no garbage disposal and who can take the time to put dirty dishes in the dishwasher the correct way and remember to turn the damned thing on live longer. (I sure hope my husband reads this post today)
Women bloggers like women bloggers who know what woman bloggers like.
I think you just hit on the ground-breaking-est conclusion of the century: Women like to bitch to other women who like to bitch.
Exactly. On Twitter I call it a #bitchtweet.
I had no idea twitter had such a thing as a #bitchtweet. Looks like I’ll be spending more time on twitter now, thanks.
I’m sure I would have several scientifically valid points to make, but since you made me drink beer this early in the morning, well, I’ve forgotten those scientifically valid points. Shit.
Drinking beer for breakfast kills brain cells, but thankfully, the only part of your brain that gives a shit you are losing brain cells.
…
Sorry. Eating chocolate.
“Both Men and Women Prefer Men Have No Breasts” HA! You fire up my giggle meter, DP. You might even break it.
I do think that study is valid. No doubt tons of men out there do have breasts but my guess is they’re probably not too thrilled about it. Reminds me of the “man-bra” episode on Seinfeld. The Bro I think it was? Oh, I don’t know, I think I’m going to have some chocolate now.
Tossing giggle-meter out the window after that one – so true, and so damn funny!
Manzier!!
Ah! yes, the manzier!
I’m glad I’m neutered!
Teehee! So is my husband. The look he have me when I picked him up afterward. Broke my heart, but it had to be done.
This staggering news doesn’t affect me, as long as the gay populus don’t prefer bigger penises too…. Oh. Dammit.
Here’s another newsflash for you, Joe: Gay Men Prefer Bigger Penises. I hate to be the one to tell you this. I think basically, anyone that’s breathing prefers bigger penises and bigger boobs. Just bigger all-around. It’s crazy stuff, I know.
I’ll have to try and compensate with a winning personality instead.
Haha! Oh, Joe. Don’t sell yourself short.
I’ve never seen a more thorough and accurate account of gender preferences. My own studies throughout the years have yielded the same results so I have nothing to add. Except that I’m going to nominate you for the Nobel Prize in Gender Observations. Well done!
Yes! I can retire from blogging now. Thank you! My work here is done.
Darla: You HAVE to see this video. I don’t know why you and Jenny Hansen wrote about this today (must have been that “head” line, but read this blog post and I’ll stick the video up here for everyone’s viewing pleasure. You’re welcome. http://jennyhansenauthor.wordpress.com/2013/04/17/o-is-for-omg-a-disorder-i-shouldnt-laugh-at-but-do/
Can’t wait, Renee. Just the title alone is calling to me. I’ll have to wait until the kiddos are outside later to view it.
LOL…thanks, Renee! That video…Ohmigod, that video…
You’re welcome.
Hm…I’ll be sure to tell Jim he can use his as a bird perch, he’ll be thrilled. (I really hope he reads my blog today….)
Men who get how tough of a week their wives have had, and offer to take the kids out to dinner, leaving their wives alone at home, relaxing with a glass of wine, not only live longer, but there is a higher probability that their wives will want to participate in a private study later that night relating to penis growth.
It’s science. BAM.
Now, how do I get my husband to read these blogs again? 😉
I will have to tell my husband about your connection between Mommy’s alone time and its relation to penis growth. I’m certain he’ll be on board with this study, Misty. Thanks for your input.
Uh-oh…. I don’t like chocolate.
PSYCH! You totally believed me for a second, didn’t you?
Why can’t those scientists do something useful? Like creating chocolate that makes you lose weight.
They’ve got that, Thoughtsy. It’s called Exlax.
Something I know about all too well, Pegoliciousness.
Men with average size penises prefer that women with large breasts don’t quote research that suggests women prefer men with larger penises… or something like that.
and
Men that prefer wine over beer and that drink excessive amounts of wine while in the privacy of their own home will often order and suffer with shitty beer while at bars with their friends in order to not be thought of as a girly-man… or something like that.
Not that I put myself in either of these categories, you know… just sayin’.
So what I can draw from your conclusions, Steve, is that you are possibly a man of average size penis who drinks like a girl? I think I love you. (there is a sentence I never thought I’d type out in public)
Something like that! 🙂
The part about women wanting men to say something, anything – that is so my husband. I can talk for five straight minutes, pause, and he just sits there. And I ask if he heard what I said. He’ll repeat it verbatim. But he has no response. None. I mean, how hard is it to say “Sorry you had a bad day.” Arghhhh.
But thank goodness we have scientists out there making these fascinating discoveries. I’m not sure about the penis thing, though – I mean, women don’t want one as big as men would like them. That would be – uncomfortable.
Yes! My husband does that too! I’ll say “Did you hear a single ^&%^ing word I have said?!” and he’ll have this blank look and repeat back to me the last line I said, word for word. But he has no other response! It’s like he thinks just because he remembers the words I said, that’s enough for me. GAH!!
Whenever I see beer commercials showing toned, sexy dudes playing beach volleyball I think they should publish the study linking “Men Who Drink A Lot Of Beer” and “Men Who Have Man Boobs” and “Men Who Have Trouble Maintaining Large Penises”. Just forTruth in Advertising.
I do see a strong connection there. Drinking Beer in Excess Leads to Excessive Man Boobs
Women like big penises and men like big boobs, say what?!! Groundbreaking!
You’re a genius. Thanks for making me laugh this morning. 😀
Lily, I’m sorry I had to be the one to tell you about these mysteries of the universe. But you’re still young, you have time to learn from my wisdom.
Women are, secretly, a little disappointed when they see a penis that doesn’t seem to match the man it’s attached to.
I can imagine. You’d think proportionately things would work out, but I guess that’s not the case for every man. Then again, with the size of my thighs and ass, you’d think I’d have double D boobs but sadly, I don’t.
I think you got all of them right especially small breasted women prefer men who prefer small breasted women.
Are you doodling these blog posts during class?
I am, Susie. Complete with crude stick figure drawings. Think my professor will mind if I share them with the class?
I am sure he/she would love them! **snicker**
I hereby award you millions of dollars of unrestricted grant money for your great discoveries. Oh, wait. That has been reallocated by a Senate subcommittee to be wasted on some other obvious study. Crap. I was hoping to spend some of that with you. Damn. Where’s the chocolate?
I think I ate it all. I’m extra-bitchy today.
word … that shit is contagious today
Loved the tag, no shit Sherlock!!! I have discovered that when my husband gets bitchy- yes, he gets bitchy- he does better on chocolate. Go figure?
Excellent point: Men Also Get Bitchy. As a matter of fact, I think they’re worse than women. Just not as vocal about it.
Why are we studying things we already know to be true? Inconceivable!
Can you imagine getting the green light for these studies? What’s next? Determining whether men like porn?
I think we should study why men leaving the toilet seat up is such a big deal.
Good point. My husband argues women should be required to leave it up for men, not the other way around. Otherwise he might end up peeing all over the seat.
Indeed. I think he’s on to something.
If he buys me more chocolate, I may just let the toilet thing slide.
I hope he figures that out.
A bottle of Patron and a hot bath will fix anything.
Ain’t that the truth!
Loved the progression to “Women Get Bitchy, Period.” Nicely done.
I was in a ‘mood’ when I wrote this, Rachey. A very bitchy one. Typical for me lately.
And, I’d add…when the woman doesn’t have chocolate, she isn’t happy, and the MAN better be very quiet!
Once, we ran out of chocolate. My husband almost ran away screaming but thankfully he found an old moldy bag of chocolate chips hidden in the cupboard.
I dig the one that goes “Women prefer men who say something…ANYTHING…” I’ve been at many a dinner table where it’s like, “Seriously, do I have to start every convo topic this evening? If so, youz best chew your steak faster or I’m gonna throw it at yo face!”
Yeah! My husband is often in fear of me throwing food in his face. A little tip for men: try saying something other than “Uh huh”. or snorting while you’re eating. I did all the cooking and now I have to do all the talking too?!
I couldn’t help but notice that you asked the ladies for any additional research findings they might have. I guessed that you assumed that most men stopped reading mid-post to go to the kitchen and open a beer, stopped in front of the window to scratch ourselves and re-adjust slightly, pick our ears then look at our fingers, then look both ways before smelling those same fingers, before turning on ESPN and belching loudly.
I for one, take exception to such broad, unpleasant generalizations. I rarely watch ESPN and everyone knows my Wednesdays are reserved for tequila sipping.
Shame on you.
Well, you are the exception, Dave. But other men? yeah, they like big boobs, wish they had bigger penises I think that’s fairly accurate.
That’s a sad commentary I guess, but at least my stock stays high.
I hate to confess, but I was totally unaware of what is, no doubt, a scientifically proven reality. Such ignorance on the part of my lesbian-loving ass!
Sorry to have been away so much recently. I’ve been busy moving, moving, moving. We leave for Ecuador two weeks from today!
I promise an actual post tomorrow! It’s been nearly two months since I’ve written. Yikes!
Hugs,
Kathy
Well, Kathy, your lesbian-loving ass would be the exception. You don’t have to deal with bigger penises or men who don’t talk. Lucky you!
It is sooo good to see you again! I imagine you are a bit swamped with the big move and all. How exciting. I wish you a smooth transition and look forward to your posts about it.
Women prefer men who keep their mouths shut when the kitchen sink is full of dishes, the vacuum hasn’t been run for so long it’s a mystery as to its whereabouts, and you haven’t cooked a good meal in months … all because you’re too busy blogging. That’s right, honey, just get another bowl of cereal and keep your mouth shut. And run to the store and get me some chocolate, too.
My husband is a dream come true.
Is your husband open to a second marriage? Cuz I’m available.
This made me laugh so much. I loved the post 🙂 Also, you passed on great knowledge to the world today. God Bless ! 😛
If my blog is good for anything, it’s imparting wisdom on things that are pretty damn obvious.
Women like chocolate because it delivers the same chemical to our brains as orgasm, since men don’t do this (deliver orgasm) often enough we eat chocolate to make up for their deficiency.
Ooh! I’ll be sure to tell Jim about this connection the next time I’m eating through a jumbo-sized bag of Reese’s peanut butter cups, it’ll really boost his ego.
Amen to this. You’d think it would be obvious, no?
Fun post, Darlinkadoodle 🙂
According to my lab-coated study, blondes DO have more fun (especially when the lab coat is open and I’m not wearing anything much underneath it. My sample size is small (one subject–i’ll call him Phil), but he is quite reliable and ardent. 😉
I’m certain Phil is a very reliable test subject.
Oh yeah! :;)
I laughed so hard, I had to go back and read it aloud to my husband because he wanted to know what all the fuss was about. We agree wholeheartedly with everything but the credit card part. . . . My husband and I both know there’s no money in that account.
Haha! There is nothing better than knowing you read my post out loud…and to their husband! This comment truly made my day, thank you. I read it to my husband too and he agreed with all of my findings.
Darla,
I’m not a scientist, nor am I woman. But. I am a clown. Therefore. Men who wear clown costume are to die for, which I’m guessing is the reason why everyone runs away from me.
Le Clown
I have to admit I’m a little leery of clowns in general. I’m almost certain you’re not a homicidal clown, though. Almost. But you seem to be a super sweet man underneath all that makeup. You’re a mystery, Le Clown.
Darla,
You spoke to my mom, didn’t you?
Le Clown
teehee!….ummm…..well….
You’ll find out soon enough in my upcoming post: Le Clown/Eric’s Childhood Secrets Revealed! (complete with adorable photos of you in droopy diapers and picking your nose)
Darla,
Those pictures are so yesteryear… Like at least one week old.
Le Clown
Oh yeah, your mom gave me some very incriminating photos of you from last week that I can’t go into detail here on this ‘family’ type blog (said the girl who just wrote a post about penises and breasts)
PS I am sooooo thrilled to see Weebs is back. I was worried about her, I know that’s pathetic but still.
Men prefer women with penises. I don’t know whether that’s generally correct, but it seems to be true of Brazilian ex-convicts who visit the Republic of Congo.
Ha! I’m sure that’s true.
I’m not sure which is funnier; your post or the comments. The beauty is that I don’t have to choose. It’s hard to top man-matching-penises. So I’ll just have some chocolate and enjoy the calm.
I agree, these comments were fascinating. I opened up a huge bag of Godiva chocolate, sat back and got my entertainment for the night reading them.
Darla, you have provided proof-positive for those men who prefer their women be quiet so they can watch the game in peace … Give the woman a chocolate bar and you’ll have all the peace you want.
There are two rules for a happy marriage: #1: The woman is always right. #2 See #1
I think those rules should be written into the vows at every wedding. it would save so much future heartache.
You know, Darla, it’s possible that some men have done scientific studies, too, and that we might have a few things we’ve noticed and that women would find enlightening. I’ve done dozens of studies, myself. Hundreds, probably. But you didn’t ask, so I’m not going to tell you about them. And I’m going to suggest to the other men that they don’t tell you about their ideas either. Your loss, really.
You’re right about the butt question, though. A woman once asked me, “Is my butt bigger now, or was it bigger when you met me?” I ran out of the house and stayed away for three or four hours.
You are a very wise man, Charles!