Today I woke up and realized, holy guacamole, it’s May? But I still haven’t cleaned up all the confetti and empty gin bottles from New Year’s Day! Someone really ought to do something about this relentless passage of time because it’s getting to be a huge buzzkill.
But then I realized something else…
It’s Blogger of the Month time again!
So I can introduce you all to:
Jules from the beloved and most mustachiest blog:
Her blog has chipmunks, Uncle Jesse, giveaways, dreams of polygamy and epic vlogs. She’s been Freshly Pressed numerous times and is a WordPress Featured Humor Blogger. Plus she’s warm, witty, and probably the sweetest blogger I’ve ever met (we’ve had many marathon phone convos, so you can trust me on that one).
So put on your mustache glasses, raise a glass of pink champagne and indulge in another juicy Firsts and Lasts Interview with Jules!
FIRST:
Blog Post: Have Mercy, a post about my Australian Labradoodle, Uncle Jesse, in whom I have a mild interest.
Kiss: Evan. I was 7, and we hid under a table in a YMCA playroom, while our moms Jazzercized their troubles away. We held our breath and pushed our mouths together for as long as we could stand to. His lips were like sandpaper.
Pretty sure Evan’s gay now. Surprisingly, I’m not.
Love: Doogie Howser. I’ve always liked gay smart guys.
Psst: FINE. You can read about my real first love here.
Childhood Memory: I was 2, and at my grandparents’ house. I was left upstairs in a crib with pastel-colored bars. I was very upset and felt abadoned. Everyone else was downstairs.
The only reason I remember something from that age is because I saw a picture of the crib years later, and the memory came flooding back.
I’ve done my best to wipe out my abandonment issues memory since then. Cheers!
Moment I met my significant other: Which one? Heh.
I actually first laid eyes on Husband #1, Peppermeister, when I was 18, in an Intro to Radio class that I dropped shortly thereafter. A year and a half later, we worked together at a school for kids with autism – I recognized him right away.
It took another year and a half, and precisely 5 gin and tonics, for me to molest him make a move.
Possession I would take with me if my house were on fire: Anything Uncle Jesse asks for. Also Uncle Jesse.
In all seriousness, my first thought always goes to “photo albums.”
Time I was pulled over by a cop: Are you mocking me, Darla? [Editor’s note: Never.] You know I just got pulled over recently because my headlights were out…both…of them. The first time (out of 3 times, for those of you keeping score) was shortly after I got my license, and was sitting in a busy intersection, waiting to make a left turn. I had to wait until the light was nearly red before the oncoming traffic stopped and I could make my left – a common occurence, at least here in New Jersey.
A cop -in an unmarked car and business suit, I might add- pulled me over for that! Bullcrap! I was in tears; didn’t get a ticket (1 ticket out of 3 times being pulled over, thankyouverymuch), but my sister saw me and mocked me mercilessly.
Job I had: Informally: Babysitting. My neighbors trusted me with 3 girls under the age of 5, including an infant, when I was 11. Because that’s how I roll.
Formally: An indepedent bookstore, when I was 16. It was awesome. I got to open the store by myself and everything. Never got to read on the job, though, which is what everyone thought.
Thing I think God will say to me at the pearly gates: “Are you sure you wouldn’t feel more comfortable downstairs?”
LAST:
Blog Post: A Birthday Serenade.
Meal I cooked: Spicy turkey bacon meatloaf.
Movie I saw: Zero Dark Thirty. FINALLY. I guess it was okay. (I’m kidding. It was very good. Did they really waterboard that actor? They must have. I’m kind of obsessed with how actors get booked for torture scenes now.)
Song I listened to: “Too Close” by Alex Clare. Peppermeister and I recorded a cover for my blog, which is totally a piece of cake and not at all scary and I really recommend it. Maybe next I’ll try Whitney Houston or opera.
Reality TV show I watched: The Voice. Two words: Adam. Levine.
Time I cried: Yesterday. I realized I was 31.
Time I laughed hysterically: Today. My friends know how to make some funny-ass memes.
Time I told a little white lie: This morning, to myself in the mirror: “No one’s going to be looking at you from the back.”
Time I did something really scary: April was riddled with scary things and the doing of said things. I was in the midst of an intense job interview process, working on the aforementioned song to post on my blog, flying to Texas (Texas!) for a wedding, and more (oh my!)!
Time I swore like a sailor: Every time I talk to my girlfriends on Facebook. It’s like a f*cking disease.
Good deed I did: I let two nuns give me their coupons at Bed, Bath & Beyond the other day. It made them really happy. Amen.
Indulgence: RIGHT NOW, reading comments about how much you loved this interview.
She's A Maineiac 
I just need everyone to know what a terrible person Darla is. I’m never working with you again, Maineiac. And lose my number!
My widget is magical, though. At least you got one thing right, DP.
I wanted to put it in my banner, have your face floating in the clouds, but I’m not that great at powerpoint.
I was actually just noticing how good your banner looks! Of course, there’s always room for ‘staches…
Oh gawd my evil twin beat me here.
DP, thank you so much for the wonderful opportunity to talk about myself! But seriously, these questions are great and I’m REALLY excited to be here. I never, EVER thought I’d unveil another costume pic as special as the toothpaste one. But you inspire me.
It was so hard for me to resist putting up your toothpaste photo. I wanted that to be the one in my sidebar. Maybe later today I can craft something up…hm….
Wow, Maneiac and Jules in the same area? That’s a lot of awesomeness. The majority of the time a person is pulled over at night with no headlights on, they’re hammered. I hope you were not and that you had the decency to put your snifter of wine down while speaking to the officer.
Chyeah, totes drunk. That’s why Peppermeister was driving. He kept asking, “Are your headlights really this dim?” Little did he know they weren’t the dim thing in the car.
He used it to our advantage, though. “Sorry, Officer. My wife’s car…”
Nice. I always liked that one. I also liked “sorry that I ran that red light or stop sign or was driving 103 mph in a school zone. I’m from out of town, officer.” Lol, uh, I’ve been “out of town” before myself and most places have similar laws and the stop signs and red lights all look pretty similar! Still, if a person made me smile I never wrote a ticket. Shhhh, I shouldn’t have said that.
What was the third time you were pulled over? Heh? care to share?
The first time I was pulled over, I was 17 years old and speeding to get past a giant logging truck in northern Maine. The officer saw me sitting there, smiling like an idiot and gave me a warning.
The second time I was pulled over in Montana for going 85 mph. I was 21 years old (it was on my actual birthday) and the cop took one look at me and said “here’s a 50 dollar ticket. Happy birthday.” Maybe I was smiling too much then?
It’s not letting me reply to your question nested beneath the actual comment, DP, but funny you should ask about the third time I got pulled over. The one time I didn’t mention above… I was driving home from work and speeding, er, a lot, on the highway – got a ticket! Deserved a ticket.
You are yummy! Hope you loved your b’day haikus.
I think it’s the Amelia Bedelia hat that really brings out my yumminess.
I’m going to be riding the Haiku Love Train for weeks. Months. YEARS. A.Maze.Ing.
That Amelia Bedelia photo is now my laptop’s new wallpaper.
Great stuff! “Go Jules Go” is now on my blog roll!
Huzzah! Thank you so much! Would you care for some bacon-turkey meatloaf?
I would be remiss in my duty as a Certified Redneck to bypass such a generous offer. 🙂
Y’know, I have to say she is pretty damn cool and awesome and all that and a bag of bacon flavored chips. (they really should invent some of those)
YES. Why in the HELL don’t they make bacon-flavored chips? I actually really like BBQ-flavored chips, and would think bacon-flavored would taste similar. But better.
Bacon flavored chips would either taste amazing or really, really bad.
Uh. Hello? Ruffles has ‘loaded baked potato’ with BACON. Where you people been shoppin’??? Whole Foods? Wal-Mart. Get sum. 🙂
Get OUT. (my best Elaine from Seinfeld impression)
omg! haha
Well, I mean, I GUESS it was ok and all. Sure, if you like this kind of stuff. :p
The line about heaven killed me. I’m pretty sure I would get the same reaction, were I ever actually to make it “upstairs.” Pretty sure there would have to be a pretty big administrative snafu for that to even occur, but you know, just in case . . .
Love you both!!
We love you too, Misty! Me more than Darla. Way more. She’s so terrible.
Honestly, if there ain’t bacon and booze in heaven, I ain’t goin’.
I am the worst. True dat.
Misty, how could you think you won’t go to heaven? what have you done, woman? Spill it. You’ll be my blogger of the month for January 2014.
Darla,
Well, since I’m not important enough to be in 2013, you will never know! :p
NOT love,
Misty
(Psst, Jules . . . she really IS the worst, isn’t she?)
But you’re the most important one of them all, Misty. In fact, you can be my blogger every month next year.
Your spectacular sidebar suggests otherwise, DP the Terrible.
Darla,
It is much to late to make it up to me, now! The cut is just too deep. Even for an entire year’s worth of my feet on your sidebar! You should have thought of that before. You vile betrayer!!
(Too far?) 😉
Tell you what, I’ll put your feet in my gravatar for a year. Or I’ll write a post all about The Beebs and devote it to you.
My fave lines were “his lips were like sandpaper” and “no one’s going to be looking at you from the back”. I tell myself that lie every morning but somehow I’m never quite convinced.
I loved the interview. Very informative. But my favorite part was when you *almost* swore. I’m very, very proud.
Sandy, the way you say “very informative” has me convinced you’re twisting your ‘stache and planning to do evil things with that Amelia Bedelia pic and use it as blackmail. I know DP is.
Does the book you’re holding while wearing that giant hat say, “Good Driving, Amelia Bedelia?” I wonder if Amelia’s car has both headlights.
Ha! I did the same thing, examined that photo closely then wondered about the book title…
Ha! OMG it DOES. How perfect is that? You don’t miss a thing, Rache.
I LOVED those books as a kid, so that book signing was actually a major highlight for me (we had a TON of, er, lesser known authors come through).
Jules is Blogger of the Month? I KNEW May was gonna be a special month!
Thanks for sharing the pain of your 2-year-old-self’s abandonment. It says a lot about your strength of will that you were able to rise above it.
June is all yours, Peg-o. I’ll mail you my interview questions shortly and I will customize them for you, throw a few curves your way….(I’m trying to make you cry like Baba Wawa does.)
You say ‘rise above,’ I say ‘sink into a pile of cheesecake and vodka.’
I can’t wait for Pegglicious June!
I misread the part about how you met Peppermeister and totally thought you meant that he had autism so that how you recognized him. Then, I was all ‘that’s mean’ but then I realized I was confused and was all ‘that’s funny.’ Now, I think it’s mean that I think autism is funny. Crap. I’m just going straight to hell. I guess if I ever get interviewed no one is going to ask me what the first thing God will ask.
Oh, how I laughed out loud at this. At some point while we worked at that school, all of the teachers were instructed that it was no longer politically correct to say, “autistic children.” We have to say “children with autism,” because the “child” should come before the “autism.”
Sigh.
And, now you know why I like the movie “The Ringer” starring Johnny Knoxville. My sense of humor doesn’t have boundaries. I am a child with no political correctness.
Sigh.
I’m with you, having to be so PC all the time, is really getting out of hand. Being from Maine, I tend to not mince words. I tells it like it is.
Nevada is that way, too. Or, maybe, it’s just me. I’m pretty blunt (not just on the blogosphere either).
“Are you sure you wouldn’t feel more comfortable downstairs?”
No worries, Jules. I’ll save you a spot. My seat is reserved and gold plated.
Perfect! I’ll bring the booze. I hope you didn’t like yours on ice.
We’ll just have to drink a lot of Hot Toddies.
DONE. And, personally? I think the devil’s just misunderstood.
I don’t know what’s cuter? The adorable picture of your sister or the fact that you have birthday parties for Uncle Jesse. Is it safe to assume he gets a big bash every year?
My only goal in life is to finally meet Uncle Jesse. My daughter wants a puppy so I think once I start feeding him bacon, he’ll never wanna leave me.
I LOVE that picture of my sister, Anka! And that was actually a pic from HER birthday, to which Uncle Jesse was NOT invited (see? Total b*tch… okay, okay. My niece is allergic), so obviously I had to find an alternate way to bring him to the party.
Darla – I like these interviews! Great to be introduced to new and hysterically funny (I almost wrote hysterical by mistake 🙂 ) bloggers.
Jules – your first babysitting job had me laughing because I had similar gigs when I was 11 or 12. How those parents entrusted me to their infants, I’ll never know. They left a notepad by the phone with “emergency” numbers because that’s how long ago it was! Yikes.
PS. I love Uncle Jesse.
Me too!
Jackie, It blows my mind I also used to babysit at 11 years old. Once I babysat for four girls, the youngest a newborn. The parents would leave me with a notepad with emergency numbers and some snacks and not come back for hours. I look at my son (who is almost 11) and I wouldn’t entrust him to watch a goldfish for 10 minutes.
Too bad. I hear there’s a lot of money to be made babysitting goldfish.
Hiya Jackie! Uncle Jesse says he loves you, too, and says he’s the only reason anyone reads my blog.
Yes! The emergency contact list on the fridge! Peppermeister’s always mocking me for writing out grocery lists. He’s all, “You know there’s an app for that.”
Fantastic! Must know more!
❤ your stalker
Ooh! A stalker!
Jill, uh… this is awkward.
❤ YOUR stalker.
Haha…Loved this interview! Thanks for the laughs. 😀
Oh, and thanks for informing me that it’s May. No idea when or how that happened.
Isn’t Jules the best? My jealousy of her is really starting to take hold after listening to her sing in that vlog. It’s just not fair.
By the time I get used to May, it’ll be Christmas 2014.
Haha, seriously!
And omg, I was at work and coculdn’t listen to her sing. I CAN’T believe I forgot to revisit the post. And damnit, I’m at work again. 😦
Stop trying to pretend you’re not terrible and mean, Darla. Everyone knows it. (Is this joke getting old? It’s still making me laugh.)
God, I’m such a WordTurd, JD! I’m just a horrible person all-around, you’re right. [weeping into my gin and tonic]
Thank you, Lilykins! I would have no idea it was May if it weren’t for this interview.
omg what you’d say at the pearly gates cracked me up!! and exactly why are you crying about being 31?
Oh, I just hate odd numbers. 😉
well, ok. that makes sense. carry on.,
This was my favorite: Thing I think God will say to me at the pearly gates: “Are you sure you wouldn’t feel more comfortable downstairs?” You always make me laugh!
I really think I’d feel awkward in heaven. I mean I suck at the harp, white’s not my color, and sure, there are perks, but how well can angels fly anyway? The wings seem so clunky.
If I can’t get a replica of the Amelia Bedelia hat, I think I might throw myself down on the rug and tantrum. I can’t even imagine you as a salty sailor! Whereas I work in profanity like you work on a blog.
That hat is f*cking amazing.
-Reduced Sodium Sailor
“reduced sodium sailor” ha!
God, how I wish that on my blog we could use the U in F*CK. I’m afraid once I start doing that, all hell will break loose and my blog will be featured on Shamelessly X-Rated Blogs, Where Are They Now?
Jules got all the good questions ….
I know, right? <—All that's left now are crappy ones like that.
My next interview I’ll only ask crappy questions of Peg, Elyse.
With each interview, I think of more questions. By the time I get to Good Greatsby he’ll be in huge trouble.
I’m just teasing you,Darla. Because I will always get to say I was first !!!!!
I know, I love you because you tease. I’m a teaser too. We tease because we LOVE.
Not to imply you love me…um….er…..that came out wrong. But I love you, Elyse always have and always will. (too much?)
I love you too Darla. Lets ditch our husbands and head to theCaribbean, your treat.
I’m already at the airport. Where you at?
Buying a bathing suit. I may be late.
We can hang out at the nude beach! no worries. (this thread is getting sooooooo racy all of a sudden)
No mirrors.
Definitely. (haha!)
That was an awesome Q&A! Jules, I feel like I know you so much better now. And I can see why you molested PepperMan. He’s a hottie in that wedding shot; is that Gwen Stefani as his first wife? Facebook-cursing. It’s why I left the social media giant more than a year ago. Now my husband gets all of it. Sometimes I even remember to shoo the kids out of the room first.
BTW, Darla, I’ve obviously aged years in WP blogging months. I think of you whenever I see a NyQuil bottle. And I like the theme you settled on. Well wishes from Texas to Maine. 🙂
Oh, I’m so touched! Nyquil makes you think of me! So when you feel like you just want to lay down and die, I pop into your mind. Sounds about right.
LOL Exactly. Or get stoned and let the kids wreck the house, one or the other.
Burn! lol
Thanks, Shannon! It was a nice opportunity to show everyone
how deep I amhow good I look in hats.I definitely save the cursing for private messages / convos only! Full disclosure: I did say “sh-t” on my blog once or twice, though…
Your “headlights” were out…. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry. I had to.
It’s okay, Thoughtsy. I deserve it.
teehee (I did the same thing)
OMG – MJ is in the HIZZLE!!!
This is my first comment on ANY blog in 5 months. So glad to stumble upon this craziness. Hmm, “Maineiac” – can’t believe I’ve never read this blog before. It’s like you copied my gravatar, stole my plaid coffee mug, and my sense of humor (yes, I think I have one!).
In all seriousness, it’s great to finally get back and see all the gravatars and comments after so long. It’s like a virtual reunion:
http://pegoleg.wordpress.com/ – Peg, how’ve you been?
http://rasjacobson.com/ – Nay Nay!
http://mistyslaws.wordpress.com/ – what no Misty blog of the month??
http://fiftyfourandahalf.wordpress.com/ – Elise, I’ve been away so long, I’m now 54 1/2!
http://gojulesgo.com/ – whud up Jersey?
http://thoughtsappear.wordpress.com/ – thoughtsy, how are you?
What in the….? MJ? [putting on my glasses] Is that REALLY you?! Well, I am honored I’m the first blog you commented on.
Does this mean you’ll be back in the bidnezz of blogging soon? Hope you’re doing well.
OH! MJ! WHADDUP!?!?!? Hollaaaa!
OH! MJ! Where you been, bro?! Hollaaaa!
Whoa…. It’s like I’m seeing a ghost.
What did the cop in the business suit say when he pulled you over? I don’t understand what was wrong with your left turn. Both headlights being out — that’s a little tougher to argue.
Right?! He did the usual, “Do you know why I pulled you over?” and I could HONESTLY reply, “No.” He said I made a left on a red light. *sigh*
I’m here! 4 days late, but I’m here! Holy crap, what a week. Anyway, what’s going on? What have I missed?
Last time I got pulled over was in Arizona in the middle of the night. We were on a camping trip, driving through, and were in a conversation about how freaky Arizona is in terms of guns laws, immigration, MLK day, etc. And mid-conversation the red & blue lights fired up behind us. There wasn’t a doubt in our mind that they’d heard us. “Headlight out” my butt.
You missed so much you’ll never get back on track! Did you know slap bracelets are back in fashion??
Camping in Arizona sounds brave. Not because of gun laws and vindictive cops. Scorpions.
Slap bracelets were ever out? Uh oh.
It’s been a slippery, slappy slope. I can barely keep up myself.
Maybe one of my favorite interviews/guest posts of yours! I love anything with pictures of you and/or pictures you doctor-up. (Is that a word??) And so true about the chile pepper. 😉
Thanks so much, Nina! I thought I might have maxed out the ‘picture quotient’ for a single interview, but you know how I roll. 😉
Quite stoic of She’s a Maineiac to host that Amelia Bedelia pic…
Wow! Did I miss it???? Hellooooooo??????
Dang…. I had one hell of a week.
Loved your firsts and lasts Jules! Doogie rules! I love your costume for the book signing that is something I would totally do as you can imagine!
Sus! Thanks!! I hope your week from hell is over, and you’re ready to rock that Amelia Bedelia hat. It’s making the rounds.
Thanks!
The hat is quite fantastic looking! I am a hat girl…