I’m So Glad You Read That Book, Mom

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It’s the weekend and I’m driving my  79-year-old mom around town on some errands.

Me: Ooh!  Gas prices seem to be going down!

Mom: Heh? Gas surprise and you wanna roll the window down? Well, be my guest.

Me: No, the gas PRICES are going DOWN.

Mom: Oh, don’t even get excited. In about 50 years, the world will end and let me tell you, the last thing you’ll be worried about are gas prices. First the earth will heat up so much, we’ll all have to live under domes. Trust me, you don’t want to be on the outside of the domes when that happens. Jeezum crow! You’d be toast!

Me: Domes?

Mom: Oh, yeah! But domes wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe they could keep a few people on the outside…y’know [makes quotation marks in the air with her fingers] accidentally… like criminals…[scowls] or Randy Travis and that god-awful, just terrible, awful woman, Rachel Ray.

Me: Rachel Ray? What in the hell has she done?

Mom: Oh, you don’t want me to go there.

Me: Oh, okay, I wo–

Mom: God, her voice!  It’s so deep! Like a man that smokes! And she’s always flapping her lips and running back and forth to the fridge. She thinks she knows everything about cooking. Well, here’s a tip, missy–put all the food you need on the damn frickin counter before you start babbling like an idiot and running around the kitchen like a chicken with its head cut off. There’s the first rule of cooking, Miss Rachel Ray. [speaks slowly, overemphasizing each word] Take. Out. The. Food.

Me: Okay. So–

Mom: And her chest is too small. [shakes head] Oh, no, no, no. Just too small for those revealing blouses she wears. Trust me, when we’re thinking about food, we certainly don’t need to see that.

Me: So what’s this dome book you’re reading called? [My mom always has a stack of New Age/Inspirational/Biblical books on her night stand] Is it The Apocalypse and You: A Practical Guide to the End Times?

Mom: It’s true, it’s gonna happen. Pollution will be so bad, we’ll have to live under domes just to breathe. But I’ll be long dead! [cackles smugly] But you, oh you’ll be dealing with it. And I say, good luck!

Me: Mom! That’s not very nice!

Mom: The Earth is going to end and we’ll have to go to other planets eventually. Uh-huh. But it won’t be all bad. We’ll have a new world filled with peace and love because we’ll all be on a new spiritual path. This is how it will be.

Me: Was this book written by Oprah?

Mom: Yep, this world is pumpin’ a handcart straight to hell. It’s too late to save it. Maybe if people would love and take care of one another more, we could survive as a human race. Ha! I ain’t bettin’ on it.

Me: Gayle! Oprah’s best friend! This book was written by her, wasn’t it?

Mom: We might be able to live on as a human race if we move to other planets. Sylvia Browne says there are already aliens living among us now. Maybe they can help us. Y’know… [leans in and raises her eyebrows] even someone like Oprah could be an alien!

Me: I could see that.

Mom: But anyway, I’ll be on the Other Side when it’s all over, living in my mansion up in the clouds, eating all the ice cream I want. But don’t worry, I’ll haunt you and try and help.

Me: That’s very reassuring, Mom. Thanks.

Mom: You’re welcome! [sighs softly like she’s just discussed the weather] So…what’s for lunch?

I guess I could live with this.
Yeah, I guess I could live with this.

Any other people you think should be “accidentally” left outside the dome? Maybe my mom can have it arranged.

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Happy Mother's Day, Mom
Happy Mother’s Day, Mom

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Like this? Want more?

I’m So Glad We Went Out to Eat, Mom

I’m So Sorry I Missed Your Call, Mom

I’m So Glad We Had This Talk Again, Mom

I’m So Glad We Had This Talk, Mom

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100 thoughts on “I’m So Glad You Read That Book, Mom

  1. I would read your mom’s book about the end of the world if she would write one. I would also like to add Donald Trump to the list of those outside the dome, please.

  2. Can we discuss the “I won’t be around for that” line? Is is mandatory for mother’s to say this to their children at a certain age? Are we going to say that to our children…if we make that is? THIS WAS HILARIOUS! Happy Mother’s Day to you…seems like you have a lot to think about today…lol.
    ps. My list of outsiders is very long, but your mom certainly chose wisely.

    1. I know! I swear to god, my mother mentions her own death at least once a day. If there’s an upcoming event of any kind, say, my son’s fifth grade graduation next year…she’ll say, “Oh, well I’ll be there for sure! if I make it to next year.” I suppose when you’re almost 80 you just never know.

  3. I’m pretty sure I’m going to spend the rest of my day sorting everyone I know …or know of. . .into domies and non-domies.

    I, too, am glad your mom read that book and that you shared her wisdom here. Happy Mother’s Day!

    1. It would take me awhile to come up with a good list of non-domies.

      My mom reads at least three books a week, so she’s always keeping me up to date on the end of the world and whether Elvis will be reincarnated in the near future (both real topics in Sylvia Browne’s books)

  4. Haaaaaa Oh DP, your mom really does have a point(actually, several great points) about Rachael Ray. Although I hear her cookie recipe is great.

    It’s too bad I might never see the day when you two have side-by-side domes. That makes me sad.

    1. Oh, it’s RachAEL Ray! In my mom’s mind, she doesn’t even deserve the A in her name. Jim actually loves Rachael Ray, we have several of her cookbooks. But I have to watch her TV show with the sound turned down.

      Side by side domes! Yes! Or I can have a little mother-in-law dome built next door to mine.

  5. Ha, your mom is exactly right about Rachel Ray! And a bowl for your garbage? Whoopie, Rachel, the trash can is right there. Stephen King’s Under The Domebwas a good read. You should suggest it to your mom. Happy mothers day to you as well.

    1. Oh, the garbage bowl! My husband and I have had many arguments over this garbage bowl deal. I’ve tried to get him to use a bowl. But no. He prefers to throw all the garbage into the sink so I can pick it out later on (no garbage disposal) while I prefer to throw it into the trash can.

      I’ve read King’s Under the Dome, good stuff. One of my fave authors. He should get together with my mom over coffee, he doesn’t live far from here.

  6. So amusing! Your mum sounds great. Your mum got her message across though; that is, we need to take more care of our earth and each other.

  7. This has to be the best in the series, Darla! Just brilliant.

    I love the idea of the dome. Can I please leave some of my neighbors out? Especially the guy who uses his leaf blower all evening after work, all day Saturday and all day Sunday. Oh, dear, he’s starting it now…

    Happy, happy mother’s day to you and your mom.

    1. Funny you liked this one best, Elyse, because it was by far my favorite one to write.

      I will be sure to put in a word to my mom about the leaf blower jackass. I’ll add my neighbor who zips by our house at midnight every night with his stupid motorcycle with a muffler that sounds like a jet engine that wakes up my kids. God, there are just so many other people I would like to see on the outside of the dome….

      Happy Mother’s Day to you, too!

  8. My boss said to me just this week: “Jackie, the big shareholders are putting through a new initiative. It’s going to be a total waste of time. There are reports upon reports and tons of data entry, and there’s no way this is going to work… but I’ll be retired by then and sipping a mai-tai on a beach somewhere, so you can deal with it.”

    I think my boss and your mom would have some terrific conversations.

    Happy Mother’s Day to you Darla, and to your mom!

    1. God, don’t you love people like that? “Yes, it’s all going to be horrible, just terrible, agonizing stuff. But I won’t be here so….good luck!” Why do I have the feeling I’ll be saying this stuff to my own kids one day?

    1. There is really no limit to how much my mom does not like that Rachael Ray woman. She will go on and on about her. (and usually does) I had to just pick and choose a few things for this post.

  9. I’ve got a whole binder of people I’d like to have excluded from the dome, I’ll mail it to you. And your mom is right about Rachael Ray, she’s annoying as fuck. But please tell me she doesn’t actually follow Sylvia Brown.

    1. Send that binder ASAP! I’ll add it to my extensive archives which are already filling up my entire house.

      My mom absolutely loves Sylvia Brown! And claims Rachael Ray ‘talks like a man that smokes’?!

  10. Yeah, I can see it. Although, I have some suggestions for a few more people to be left out of the dome. Actually, a LOT more people. But then again, I’m kind of an unforgiving asshole, so maybe I shouldn’t be on the interior dome selection committee. Hmmm, or maybe I SHOULD.

  11. Absolute bet Mother’s Day post I read today! Thanks for sharing. I have a short list, Paul LePage on the outside of the dome and I think I would be OK. Thanks for the entertainment, Say happy mother’s day to your mom for me, She should be writing a blog. 🙂

    1. Oh my GOD. Yessss!. Paul LePage is numero uno on my list. It’s funny because my mom feels the same way, she grumbles about him more than any other politician and I agree with her wholeheartedly. I’m counting down the days until he’s out of office.

  12. Your Mom is such a character. Yes, for God sake, when you’re cooking, get everything out and ready before you run around the kitchen like a chicken with its head cut off, jeezum crow! If you ever listen to Tim Sample and his stories about life in Maine, he has some cool characters too. Happy Mothers Day.

    1. My mom does have a few solid points about Rachel Ray. Tim Sample, yes, I remember that guy! Didn’t he used to say “Ain’t that odd?” I also love Bob Marley, stand up comedian from Maine, not the late singer.

  13. So – if we’re gonna be living under domes, how far behind can Michael Caine be? 😀
    Though I’d LOVE to be stuck under a dome with Farrah Fawcett – you know, if she hadn’t .. um, well, you know, “passed”. Talk about “Helloooooo, NURSE!” (Let’s see if you get the references. 😉 )

      1. Oh come on – “Logan’s Run”? Domes and Farrah Fawcett and Michael York (sometimes spelled the old English way, “C-A-I-N-E”)? (Yeah, it was a brainfart on my part, but that’s my story and I’m sticking to it!) Not surprised at the second one – ever see the Spielberg cartoon series “Animaniacs”? They had a rather voluptuous nurse as a bit player, who the two lead boys would welcome as “Helloooooo Nurse!”. Great stuff, catch ’em if you can. Supposedly kiddy cartoons with a LOT of references only the parents would get.
        Now, see, I could’ve gone REALLY esoteric, and use the dome link to the movie Silent Running. But since I’m one of only 3 or 4 living people who’ve actually SEEN that flick, I didn’t feel that would be a fair shot. 😉

  14. So…I like the garbage bowl. I actually own a Rachael Ray garbage bowl – I got it for free for ordering lots of office supplies at work. The garbage bowl is the best idea Rachael Ray has ever had. It saves time, so you don’t have to walk to the garbage or haul the garbage over to the counter to throw away scraps.

    But other than that, I agree wit your mom – if you want to watch Rachael Ray, mute it.

    Also, she should patent this dome idea. Genius. It’s like the bomb shelter idea of the 1960s.

    1. Get out, Rachel Ray has her own actual patented garbage bowl? She is a mad genius. I was shopping at Target with my mom this morning and no lie, she bought some Ziploc bags and who was in the corner of the box grinning? Rachael Ray. Is there NOTHING this woman doesn’t market?

  15. LOL! I started giggling as soon as I read, “I’m driving my 79-year-old mom around town.” My mom is 81, and I drive her around, too. Gas prices are always mentioned, my mother HATES Taylor Swift like your mother hates Rachel Ray, and my mother reads a lot, too, but I think your mom has a leg up on mine with her dome theories. This round of Mother’s Day goes to your mother! 🙂

    Hope your day was wonderful, Darla!

    1. Now I’m giggling that you giggled at the “driving my mom around town” line. God, your mom sounds like MY mom. Taylor Swift? I think my mom dislikes her even more than Rachael Ray! (me too)

    1. I thought of your love for Rachael Ray the entire time I cropped her little picture outside the dome. I have to admit feeling a huge sense of satisfaction using my PowerPoint for defeating evil.

          1. Starting to write about it now, not great, but good to be off work a bit, just not my type of holiday. I forgot that about package holidays.

  16. I think ‘mom’ needs her own blog. She seems like quite a character and one we would all love to read! And I drive my mom around too. Interestingly, she never got a driver’s license which I can’t imagine living without.

  17. I never thought Rachel Ray should even be on my list of people who are going to be left out of the dome, but now I’m moving her right up to the top. Your mom is brilliant!

    I read a dome book by Stephen King. But it was bad to be UNDER the dome, not out of it. Great read, by the way.

  18. Snoring Dog Studio

    Your mom is brilliant. She understands and accepts global climate change. I wish she could smack the deniers upside their heads. And she’s right about Rachel Ray.

    1. I know, that’s the scary thing, my mom is right. I was just reading about the new report on the amount of carbon dioxide in our atmosphere. I’m gonna lose sleep over it tonight. But the Republicans say it’s all hooey, so I guess it’s okay then.

      1. Snoring Dog Studio

        Yeah, shockingly, we’ve reached CO2 levels never before seen since we’ve been recording them. It’s a frightening state of affairs.

  19. Jeezum crow! I’m honored we finally get to meet your mom! I can’t believe I forgot how devolved-looking Randy Travis is. He has no place inside the dome.

    1. By the by, I only visit my blog once a day and the nanosecond I get here, I see a comment from you. What are the odds?? (I swear I wasn’t sitting here waiting for you to comment. No, actually, I was sitting here just waiting for you to comment)

  20. Pingback: Firsts and Lasts in Maine | Rachel's Table

  21. Pingback: Jeezum Crow! I’ve been Freshly Pressed! | She's a Maineiac

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