Unexplained Mysteries of My Universe

  • The closer I get to menopause → the angrier I get → the more I pluck my eyebrows → the angrier I look → the angrier I feel → the more I pluck my eyebrows → the more I resemble Uncle Leo from Seinfeld.
Good god, these hot flashes are a bitch!
Good god, these hot flashes are a bitch!
  • The older I get → the more chin hairs I get → the worse my vision gets → the less chance I have of spotting stray chin hairs → the better chance I have at landing the coveted Bearded Lady position at the local circus → the circus never comes to my town.
  • The later I am for an appointment → the tinier the toy my daughter wants me to find → the bigger the pile of crap it’s buried in.

    But Mom! I need Polly's purple shoe right now or I'll JUST DIE! WAAAAHH!
    But Mom! I really REALLY need Polly’s purple shoe RIGHT NOW or I’ll JUST DIE! WAAAAHH!
  • My husband loses 20 pounds after going on a ‘diet’.
    Old breakfast : two donuts + two Yoo-hoos + a bagel with extra cream cheese
    New breakfast: two donuts + two Yoo-hoos + a bagel with a moderate amount of cream cheese
  • I inhale my kid’s chocolate glazed donut fumes too deeply = 20 pound gain.
    All of it in my ass.
    Never in my boobs.
  • Empty bathroom = infinity # of hours
    Empty bathroom + me = suddenly everyone has to go pee simultaneously
  • The older my son gets → the cooler he seems → the more I want to hang out with him → the less he wants to have anything to do with me.
  • The increase in the amount of my son’s armpit hair = the increase in his ability to roll his eyes at everything I say

    Right back 'atcha, kid.
    Right back ‘atcha, kid.
  • # of tasks I have to do in the shortest amount of time = # of  times my kids need me to get them something every 2 seconds.
  • The more I try to get my kid’s attention → the louder my voice gets > likelihood they’ll ever respond.
  • The more secret the conversation + the more you whisper + the more curse words you use → my kids’ hearing is suddenly better than a German Shepherd’s.
  • 10 minutes = average time it takes to have sex
    1.5 seconds =average time it takes for kids to realize you’re having sex and decide to start banging on your bedroom door.

Care to add any other mysteries of your universe?

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93 thoughts on “Unexplained Mysteries of My Universe

  1. HA! It’s a vicious downward spiral of a circle, isn’t it.

    10 minutes = average time it takes to have sex ==> you’re referring to a New York minute, I think?

    1. It is a vicious downward spiral! Good lord.

      oh and about the sex: I had to actually look up the ‘average time a couple has sex’ and the most common number the Internet coughed up was 10 minutes. Has nothing to do with my sex life.

      1. I vote for seven minutes. We based that on “research” we did while on tour. Several guys carried an adaptor that let you watch on your room TV anything that anyone else in the hotel was paying for, but the paying people had to have it playing on their TV at the time. The average time for an adult film to be on was seven minutes. Apparently you don’t just let it play out.

        You could also watch strangers play video games.

    1. This year I’ve had a bumper crop of grays. Every day I get another clump. And they’re always front and center and stick out like a Brillo pad. I refuse to dye my hair to cover them up. (so far)

  2. OMG it’s like we’re the same person sometimes. At least you don’t have to teach your son to shave his underarm hair. I’m going to have to do that – soon – with Thing One. And Thing Two can NEVER NEVER EVER EVER EVER leave the house without at least one stuffed animal and usually several. And she’s almost NINE. And you can never freakin’ FIND IT. I do not see an end to this soon.

    Also talking about growing kids or husbands (mine remains thin as a rod and eats anything) = more and more hitting the CAPS key.

    1. Uh! Gah! No, no no. I will make my husband teach my son to shave. He’ll also have to deal with anything else puberty-related. I’ll deal with my daughter when it’s her time, so we’re even. Actually, I think dealing with my daughter’s PMS is worth a lifetime of armpit hair woes.

      My daughter only wants Polly Pocket’s purple shoe when we’re out the door and late for something. It’s like “Oh, sure, let me just sift through 10 tons of crap in the closet so I can find one miniscule little shoe!”

    1. Yes, another good one! The house can be quiet for hours, but the second I have to talk on the phone (or have a conversation with my husband) the kids suddenly need me desperately.

  3. I’m with you with the damn plucking. And — may I add — that now I can’t even see the rogue ones around my brows. How do you pluck without your eyeglasses. And don’t say magnifying mirror! I’ve got 15X magnification. It’s time to start paying someone for that task.

    Listen to me! I’m even grumbling like an old, menopausal woman!

    1. I have a magnifying mirror and you’re right, it’s no help at all. I’m thinking of just shaving my brows off completely, then drawing them in with pencil. Only with my eyesight, I wouldn’t be able to do even that.

  4. you are me a few years ago–though some of the same things are still plaguing me–I am glad you are so forthright–you make me feel so much better about my life–knowing I am not the only one going through some of this stuff makes me feel better–I hate to give you some scenes into your future–but it gets better and it gets worse

    1. You have plenty of time before the shit hits the fan, Lily. It didn’t start for me until recently. The great part is, you don’t really care anymore anyway so it all works out.

      1. Idk about time being on my side. Gray hairs, fat going to my tummy instead of boobs, sex life of a typical married couple… Yeah, I’ve got this aging thing down. I hope nobody’s reading this…

  5. Ah, the new math. The stray hairs/inability to see them phenomenon is one that science has never been able to conquer, only because scientists are not typically women over 40.

  6. What’s up with the hair thing as we age? Why would God do that to us? I just turned 40 and suddenly I have hairs growing out part of my ear and my wife is always stopping me in my tracks to yank a rogue eyebrow that’s suddenly grown an inch over the course of 12 minutes. WTF? I’m going to have to try your husband’s diet. It won’t be easy though as I really do like me some cream cheese on my bagel.

    1. What is up with those rogue eyebrows? I’ll look in the mirror and there will be this one single eyebrow about two inches above where it’s supposed to be. It’s like my body’s gone haywire.

  7. Ha! The project manager in me is loving this as much as the normal part of me. And those Polly Pocket shoes? FORGET IT.

    I really can’t even think of anything to add to this.

  8. Why is it that my son will be happily captivated by hours of YouTube videos in his bedroom, but, when I finally decide it’s safe to put on headphones and listen to that guided meditation I’ve been wanting to listen to, about 2/3 of the way through, the kid comes barging out of his room to pester me for something, like dinner? Sheesh!

    1. Of course! Guided meditation? That’s like an invitation to your son to immediately start bugging the hell outta you! For me it’s whenever I attempt to take 20 minutes to do some yoga. I’ll go in a room, close the door, get into a pose and Boom. Kids are knocking on the door.

  9. The older I get that special womanly time becomes less and less special. Know what I’m sayin’? This post gave me a reason to drag myself out of bed. Just to say I did it! Hilarious, as usual. It’s gonna be a great day!

  10. Hilarious post – can relate to more than I want to haha.

    My girl expects me to watch her brush her teeth like it’s a cabaret. Um no. Mommy where are you going? Into another part of the house that I pay for. Don’t follow me with toothpaste in your mouth.

    Your blog cracks me up – love it!

  11. So appropriate for me today. I could literally grind someone’s head off with my fingertips at any moment … just come at me … no, that’s a bad plan. I’m sure I’ll end up tears from the next chin hair. Or gray pube. Awesomeness galore.

    1. This week has been the week of wanting to grind some heads, for sure. I have no idea why but I am feeling this inner rage that is ready to blow at any second. Must be peri-menopause?

      1. The most frightening thing here is that I am starting to know people reaching menopausal age. My wife mentioned something about that the other day, I’m thinking… FUCK, are we getting that old?!?

  12. Your mathematical equations seem pretty accurate to me. Especially the one about the husband losing 20 pounds by making one measly adjustment. That’s bullshit.

    I would also add: Husband’s age is proportional to his inability to find things in the refrigerator if they aren’t RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM, as is his inability to determine whether items in dishwasher are clean or dirty. God help me when he’s in his 70s.

    1. It is bullshit. thank you. Once he stopped drinking soda and lost 20 pounds almost immediately. I’m not even exaggerating. I drink nothing but water, eat rabbit food all day and gain weight.

    1. Of course! And I take it your dog refuses to wear diapers. It’s like with my kids, I can ask them to use the bathroom before we go on a long trip and within 5 minutes they both have to urgently go.

  13. One of my unsolved mysteries: Watching an entire episode of Dora the Explorer, while folding laundry, before I realized the kids were asleep in bed.

    1. When I fold laundry, I usually fall asleep. I can’t believe the amount of laundry we do on a daily basis. We only have two kids. You’d think I was washing enough for a basketball team. It’s nonstop! If I don’t do a load every single day, it backs up.

  14. You are hilarious. I am a girl over the age of 60 and know of what you speak. My advice? Relax into the aging thing. Find a great colorist (all ladies go blonde before they go gray), buy a 10x makeup mirror (those strays will be easy to find and remove), add a bathroom to your house no matter the cost as this will save your marriage and must be off-limits to everyone, as your kids get “cooler” (and you seem to be getting dowdier?) watch them bloom, they’ll be back (you’re about as cool a person as there could be, they’ll figure that out just about the time when you need them the most), and sex? Well…that ship will sail for as long as you trim the mast. Keep writing Maineiac…you’re very clever. I read everything you put out there.

    1. All fabulous advice, thank you! I do have a magnifying mirror and new eyeglasses, so hopefully I’ll be good.

      Also, thanks for saying you enjoy my writing, that is SO nice to hear, I appreciate that.

  15. I suspect I have a full head of gray hair, but I don’t let it grow out long enough to find out. I’m sporting a lovely blondish/auburn at the moment. I don’t get those wild hairs growing here or there on my face, but what are those doggone little growths that pop up around my eyes? My aunts had those ugly things, and I don’t want them, so I sort of dig them out before they become permanent fixtures. What’s a little scar here or there.

    1. Haha! I love that you ‘suspect’ you have gray hair. I got a whole bunch more grays in the front this year and my stylist suggested I get blonde highlights next month to cover them up. Sounds like too much trouble.

  16. Just wait till the eyebrows began to sprout grey hairs twice as thick as normal, yeah those are great.

    I am thinking laser on my chin, tired of 100X magnification and still can’t see only feel them.

    Grey hair on head, solved the problem, went blond.

    This was fabulous, your math is perfectly dead on.

  17. Le Clown says:

    Darla,
    The older I get, the bigger the books I purchase -> The bigger the book is, the more blind I get… Or is it really because I do not want to read David Foster Wallace?
    Le Clown

    1. When I first glanced at this comment I thought it said “the older I get, the bigger the BOOBS I purchase.” Sorry – thought that might be relevant.

        1. I don’t know, Le Clown, I’d say books and boobs are a lot alike. The more you have, the more you appreciate them; big ones can be a LOT more fun than the little ones; foreign ones can be very interesting, though it helps if you can read the language; and the older they get, the more delicately you should handle them. 😉
          Oh, and in my case, the poorer you get, the more you have to look for free ones online. (The books, the books, you pervert! 😀 )

          1. Le Clown says:

            John,
            Best comment ever. Until the next one. Now if I could find my glasses and figure out what you’ve written…
            Le Clown

        1. That’s so true. But big or small doesn’t matter. If the story between the covers is a favorite, the reader is sure to visit the book again and again.
          I have no idea what that means, either.

          1. Let’s see – hm, returning to a known story ….. how about:
            “If you find something you really like, you’ll enjoy fondling it again and again”?
            (If that don’t work, I got nuthin’…. 😉 )

  18. The greater a guy’s age = inverse proportion of number of hairs on top of head = number of hairs in ears and nostrils CUBED!
    I figure it’ll only be a couple more years before I can do a comb-over with my ear hairs….. 😯

  19. Wish I knew you all when I was 40 but that was awhile ago…. My strong suggestion re: Facial hairs. Cultivate a friendship with another person who you trust implicitly who will come to your side and pluck those hairs if you’re somehow incapacitated — like in a coma, have a broken arm, lose your glasses, whatever…. Be such a friend and make that pledge to another…. A chin-hair plucking friend is a true friend.

  20. It’s all a mystery, Darla. I like the one about the tiny toy — I remember the frantic searches, as well as wishing I could have half the money back that we’d spent on toys that either broke or disappeared within a day.

    Great post.

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