I just finished watching my favorite TV reality show, Survivor. I’ve seen all 3,000 seasons. After we watched last week’s thrilling finale, my six year old daughter turned to me and said, “Hey, Mom! I know what you can do for a job! Go on Survivor!”
Oh, silly girl. Mommy wouldn’t last ten minutes. Why?
- I’d constantly tell the hunky young men to put on a shirt. And pull up their pants, get a damn haircut and a shave, for god’s sake.
- I don’t like insects.
- I like to eat.
- I don’t like to eat insects.
- On the first day, I would be banished to the ‘Over-40/Pre-Menopausal/Cranky Ol’ B’ tribe.
- After listening to Jeff Probst’s relentless and annoying play-by-play during the first immunity challenge, I’d haul off and punch him in the face and scream, “Shut up! Just shut up! For one goddamn second! Think you can manage that, huh? How ’bout some f***ing silence while I try to pull these f***ing puzzle pieces out of this stupid f***ing volcano!”
- I like to sleep without the threat of millipedes burrowing into my ear canal.
- No toilets.
- I’m a terrible liar. Halfway through a betrayal, I’d snort and laugh and say, “Naw, I was just messin’ with you! I love you! Don’t vote for me, k?”
- If anyone were to write my name down at Tribal Council, I’d burst into tears and wail, “Why? Don’t you like me? Is that it? Huh? Was it something I said? Why would you do this to me? Why?!”
- Sometimes the view on an island ain’t so pretty, dude.
- If Russell Hantz were to surprise everyone by suddenly zipping into the game on a helicopter, I’d have to haul off and horse punch him.
- Same goes for any and all siblings/offspring and/or nephews/nieces/uncles/aunts/pets/neighbors of Russell Hantz. I suspect at least one of them will be on the next Survivor. Possibly all of them.
- No toilets.
(Yeah, it bears repeating.)
- Maineiac Darla doesn’t have the same ring to it as Boston Rob
107 thoughts on “Reasons Why I’d Never Survive Survivor”
As a big fan of survivor, who would have thought this of an old broad, I laughed all the way through your blog. I love laughing so I loved your blog.
Oh how I adore Survivor. I was hooked the first season with Sue Hawk and Richard Hatch. I’ve only missed one season due to having a newborn at home at the time.
When I encountered my first “squat toilet” in Asia, I thought I HAD landed on Survivor! Thus, I’d never survive. NEVER! It’s living toilet-less that would do me in, as well. That–and the bugs!!!!!
Yeah, see the words ‘squat’ and ‘toilet’ don’t do it for me, Kathy. I would probably miss a hot shower the most too.
I watched one episode of the first season of Survivor and couldn’t take it. The competition, back stabbing, unrealistic expectations…and that was just the commercials! 😉 No really, “reality” TV is not for me… 🙂
Backstabbing…unrealistic expectations….just a typical day in my household, Lorna.
I might watch Survivor if you were on it because I would immensely enjoy your facial expressions of disgust whenever anyone spoke.
My facial expressions would make Survivor the top show again, for sure. Plus, I’d be the laziest, crankiest Survivor ever.
I assume you’ve read my mow infamous “Survivor in Maine” post by now. I think you’d have a really good chance if it were set here. Here’s the post if you missed it… 🙂
You are famous! See, the problem with setting Survivor here in Maine is no one would last two seconds. One day in sub-zero temps would kill off most of the tribe.
…except me. I’d be wearing my L.L. Bean parka and three layers of long johns. y’know, my typical everyday wear…
Exactly my point. That would make it a true Survivor scenario. Bring it on! 🙂
But the show would be half an episode long.
They could do it though, just round up past Maine contestants, like Julie, Bob and Zoe. By the way, I met Zoe from season 4. I was at a Mr. Bagel in Falmouth, she was in her truck. She ran over to see my son (who was a baby at the time) Then she blurted out she was on Survivor. And I said, “hey, cool!” and she gave my son a little stuffed animal she had on her dashboard. (true story)
Awww. Very sweet story. 🙂
I couldn’t help myself. This blog earned a Bean’s Pat as the Wondering Wanderer’s blog pick of the day. Check it out at http://patbean.wordpress.com
Thanks for the nod, Pat. You don’t happen to be related to L.L. Bean? (I have to ask people that, it’s mandatory in Maine when you see the Bean name…)
I don’t watch Survivor. I watch Cops. I figure, with my luck, I stand a FAR better chance of staring down the barrel of a cop’s gun than trying to figure out who’s alliance is whose. 😉
And I get REAL nasty when I don’t get my bacon for breakfast. Nasty, like “go dig a whole 6’x3′, the stand next to it while I go get a rock” nasty. 😀
Yeah, I’d be terrible at the alliance thing. I’d be in everyone’s alliance. I wouldn’t be able to backstab anyone.
Cops–I used to watch that back when it first came out. I still like to see the older episodes, where everyone’s driving late 80 model cars and sporting funky mullets.
If you REALLY want to see that stuff, come visit me. We got mullets and 80’s cars aplenty around here! 😀
I can honestly say that I have never, NEVER, watched a single minute of Survivor…that’s how I’d survive…
You’d probably do very well on the show, Cooper.
I’d be in your alliance, ESPECIALLY if you donkey punch Probst at a puzzle challenge! We’d be fist-bumping until tribal council.
Yeah, donkey punch! Huzzah!
I have watched every season but one as well! And no, I wouldn’t survive it. I’d probably be that old know it all, bossing everyone around, the one that all the young hot waitress/waiter actor wannabes would kick off first. I have no shot.
I also LOVE Malcolm, despise the entire Hantz family of cockroaches that just cannot seem to be killed off that show, and want to punch Probst in the face when he gives the play by play to those challenges. You and me, Darla. We are like twinsies! Again.
That is exactly how I’d be too, Misty–that older, bossy woman no one wants around. I’d be mothering everyone. Sad thing is, I could BE their mom, I’m old enough.
My daughter and I LOVED Malcolm, he was our fave by far.
I’ve never seen the show before, but there appears to be lot of near nudity and emotional suffering. I’ll have to check it out.
Oh, you have no idea what you’re missing out on, Don. Good looking people in swimsuits backstabbing everyone…it’s like a soap opera but with hunting and insect-eating. Something for everyone.
My wife has survived watching Survivor with me throughout each and every single season. Jeff Probst should give her a special idol just for that. As for me, I hate to admit it, but I think I would have had a pretty good chance in all seasons, as I am humble, but the ones with Parvati. I’m not saying more…
And good for Cochran. Woody Allen had one of his best nights of sleep last Sunday, I’m sure.
Oh, I’d bet you kick some serious ass, Le Clown. Your wife and my husband both deserve special idols for putting up with it. My husband lost interest a few seasons back but I’ve stuck with it. This season was one of the better ones.
And Cochran, I really warmed up to that guy. The first time he was on, not so much, but he truly came into his own this time around. Geeks RULE! (and Woody Allen)
He deserved it. It was a good season. Dawn removing her teeth for Brenda was heartbreaking, though… See? I even get emotional when it comes to Survivor.
Me too! That was a tough moment for me to watch. Sigh. I get emotionally invested with these people. My kids and I were all so happy he won. For once, someone deserving (and he got every single vote too)
I think people who go on survivor haven’t had enough shit and struggle in their real lives, so they need to create some. But it’s fake and just drama. I’ve had enough real shit that I fully appreciate my life complete with running water, plumbing, electricity at the flip of a switch, refrigeration, and the Temperpedic mattress on my bed. Besides, in a real survivor situation, you’re not wearing a bikini or running around playing stupid, divisive, competetive games. (I think my maritime survival training might have just come out a tad).
That’s true, it’s more of a soap opera on an island sort of thing with all the melodrama, etc. I wouldn’t last one day. I’d miss sleeping on a bed the most.
I’m guessing if they don’t have toilets, that means they are even more unlikely to have toilet paper, and that is a total deal breaker for me. No TP, no go!! I mean… no go there, though, well… “no go”, too.
But mostly, I’d never last because I’d insist they change the name to “Game Show Participant” since that is what it is, and they wouldn’t like that at all.
I don’t watch, and have only seen the commercials/promos. A very casual acquaintance was on the show (two seasons), and I didn’t even watch her episodes.
BUT… based on the tiny little bit I have seen, I bet your asides to the camera would be the best ones! Hey… I might turn it on for those, alone! 😀
That’s a good question, do they have TP?? If not, hell no, I wouldn’t go. Although my bitching and moaning might make for some great TV….you’re right. I really should be on Survivor. I think I’ll apply this year. (can’t even type that out with a straight face…)
‘Over-40/Pre-Menopausal/Cranky Ol’ B’ tribe.’ I’m there! Once the others pass out from hunger, we can sneak around in the middle of the night shaving off their eyebrows and paint them on with squashed dung beetles.
Haha!! God, see if you and I were both together in the same tribe, we’d be a serious force to be reckoned with!
Ugh – I stopped watching years ago when I realized that nobody ACTUALLY had threat of death… I mean, the game is called, “Survivor” – shouldn’t they ACTUALLY have to survive? Like “Hunger Games”?
Now if they gave everyone a bow and some arrows, I’d watch the hell outta that show.
You DO realise that a bow is nothing more than a green-wood young branch, the string nothing more than bark, and at less than 100 feet, arrows can just be sharp sticks with fire-hardened, pointed ends, right?
See? Boy Scouts really WAS quite worthwhile! 😉
YOU would be great on Survivor, John.
Hell I can’t even survive watching Survivor, so I’m done before I begin. And no toilets? Fegettaboudit.
What? You can’t even watch it? My husband can’t either, he used to, but now he thinks its just the same ol’ same ol’.
I can’t stand any of them. I hate the idea (or lack thereof). Why anyone would participate is a total mystery to me.
My kids and I all love the show, so we’d DVR it and watch it in the mornings and Jim would be off in the kitchen rolling his eyes and grumbling how much he hates the show. God, I just LOVE it! One of the few reality shows I like.
Never. I get grumpy if I wait too long to take a shower on a weekend day. I remember when they first started the show – I had a friend who was involved. She tried out or whatever it is. Apparently you have to sign away every right you may ever have had in your life. So there’s that. On top of the malaria/unattractive half-naked people/attractive half-naked people you hate eventually/entirely out-of-control hygiene situation/annoying host/gross eating stuff you have to subject yourself to. I have never watched a full episode because of all of these things, so I’m pretty sure I couldn’t live it.
yes, if I were to even get past the several rounds of interviews to be a contestant, it’s the signing my life away part that would do me in. I think in every season there has been at least one person who had to be airlifted off the island due to a medical emergency. My emergency would be having no toilet paper.
oh i would die out there!!! i was much more interested in being on the amazing race!!
I have never seen a minute of The Amazing Race. It looks way too complicated and fast-paced for me.
it is fast paced, but better than starving on an island with people who want to kill you. 😉
True, I’ve always wanted to watch that show, maybe I finally will.
You know I’ve tried out 4 times, right? I didn’t know you loved Survivor! This is when I wish you were on Twitter. The #tribalchix were tweeting live this season.
Are you trying out again this year?
I can make fire – I always wonder why no one practices first. I’d probably suck at swimming challenges – but seriously, fire is a necessity.
I’d be great at the swimming challenges if say, one of them were to doggie paddle like a moron for a few seconds.
I could handle that. I think I could probably whip up a pretty cool bamboo shelter too. I wonder why they never do this show in a cold climate – Survivor Everest – seems more challenging.
If they ever did a Survivor Everest I would win for sure. I’m very good at surviving minus 40 wind chills and having my eyeballs freeze over.
Perfect – let me be in your alliance – I can make fire! Oh – I forgot there’s no oxygen up there – I’m out!
Ooooh, Ooooh, Me, Me!! ((hand raised in the air))
I know the answer to that one:
No scantily clad waitress/actress wanna be/”pharmaceutical reps.”
I haven’t watched Survivor in a while, but it seems to me that Maineiac Darla would be an excellent nickname. Who’d want to vote off a maniac? That would be scary.
Oh, yeah, no one would vote for me! They’d all want to bring me to the finale so they could win over me.
I too would suck at being on Survivor, for all the reasons you mentioned. But if the guy looked good with his shirt off, I’d want him to keep it off. Remember Rudy, the WWII veteran from the first season? Even he looked pretty good with his shirt off.
God, yeah, Rudy. He was actually on last week! He was in the audience and Jeff went over and talked to him. He’s like in his mid-80s now. But yeah, if someone like Malcolm was shirtless, I’d have to let him be.
I have never watched survivor, so I can’t answer your question. But since I am good at everything I will speculate that I would win! Just kidding. I think raising kids is like survivor, who is going to survive, me or them? Some days I wish I could vote them off the island.
Just for dealing with your teens AND various goats makes you a prime candidate for Survivor.
I’ve never watched this show but I’m with you on the first reason. I like to eat and I do not like to eat insects. I mostly like to eat all the time, like every four hours or I get cranky. Yes, I am one of those stick persons who can eat 6 times a day and burn it up. I’m afraid that if I wasn’t eating and survived the crankiness part, I would just blow away in the first good wind and nobody would have to vote me off.
The not eating is a deal-breaker for me too. I prefer to eat every three-four hours at least. I get super cranky if I haven’t had my daily dose of chocolate/coffee. After a few days on Survivor, my head would be spinning around like the Exorcist.
I would be first one kicked off the island. No doubt in my mind. I have absolutely no tolerance for a lack of snacks between meals. I would be such a bitch. And, I would totally throat punch all of the skinny bikini wearing beotches on the first day. They should have a Survivor season with booze, oh, wait … That was MTV’s The Real World.
Yes! No snacks = bitchy woman. The bikini-wearing rule is another HUGE reason I’d never be on this show. After two kids, several surgeries, I’d end up scaring most of my tribe away. I would play if only I could wear real clothes. Or get a tummy-tuck first.
Maybe there should be a post-cosmetic surgery round of Survivor … that would be weird. Everyone could get Botox on the island, all sorts of options for challenges. Ya, this is interesting. hahaha
Something I’ve noticed about Survivor, every single person has perfect teeth. So this is why I know I’d never be on the show.
I’ve never watched survivor, but I would if you were on it.
Good enough reason for me to apply.
I used to be obsessed with Survivor! but now if it’s on TV in Australia it’s on at 2am or something stupid so I haven’t followed a series for ages.
My friend and I tried to do a ‘Survivor diet’ about 10 years ago where we were just going to eat the same things they did on the Island. That lasted about 5.5 hours. Ha!
I would possibly last a few hours not eating. But only eating rice? I hate rice. Nope, I’d suck at Survivor.
The only way I would go on Survivor would be for a family visit. Seriously. (If A had his way, I’d get it–as if one time wasn’t enough?!)
Amen on the Probst play-by-plays. They’re the reason I keep walking out while the show is on, even though I keep saying I’m “really going to watch it this time, for real, the whole season.”
Please get A back on there! I missed his entire season. Never saw one episode. The only season I missed too, figures. I would love to pick A’s brain and ask him all sorts of questions about the behind-the-scenes stuff…and how often he had to hold himself back from horse-punching Probst.
I can promise you, EVERY SINGLE SURVIVOR has at one time wanted to just run over and tell Probst to shut the F up. Seriously. One of the reasons that I love Jessica “Sugar” Kiper so much, is that she’s, to date, the only castaway to ever (at least on camera) tell Jeff to Shut the Eff Up. Amazing.
Love this post, if you didn’t notice.
I loved your comment, Anthony! I often wonder how much his incessant yelling at you guys drove some of you crazy. Especially when he starts picking on whoever is in last place, “You’re falling behind! Gotta pick it up! You’re losing by a landslide!” I’m sure that doesn’t help your morale any.
I love the fact Sugar told him to shut up! I don’t remember that. Kudos to her.
Hahahahaha….this is hilarious! I could never and I repeat never ever be on Survivor for all of your reasons. The required bathing suit wearing would do me in before it even got started.
I can’t believe I forgot to put bikini down as my top reason! I’d be the only Survivor to do a immunity challenge wearing a turtleneck.
I hate camping; I’d never survive Survivor.
How about this? How about “The Bachelor Survivor?” Imagine the drama + insects + no toilets. Yes, I’d watch that 🙂
That’s the first sign that tells me I’d suck at Survivor: I can’t even go camping! Very true. The outhouse is always what does me in. Combine going to the bathroom with insects IN the outhouse? Sure-fire way for me to give up.
While showering on vacation south of the border a million legger about the size of a small cigar came wriggling out of the drain. I screamed like a little girl. Fortunately, Jeff Probst and a slew of cameramen were not in the vicinity.
HOLY crap, I’d die. Just die. Once I used an outhouse while camping and made the mistake of looking up to see several gigantic spiders hanging from the ceiling.
At least you were in the right environment for the resulting incontinence.
I watched it once in the first season, then said nah. Like you I am a big fan of toilets. But I am also a big fan of bathing. Can’t stand the thought of others not bathing, I can actually imagine their stench and it just annoys me.
I would be the first voted off.
This was very funny.
You and me both. Toilets? good. Bathing. Good. No B.O.? Very good. I’m such a wimp.
Oooh you’re commenting on my blog at the same time! I think Maineiac Darla has a great ring to it, and would definitely be what I’d want to shout when you refused to eat my cicada stew. “I don’t like to eat bugs” cracked me up.
I can’t even survive team-building exercises.
I really do like ‘Maineiac Darla’ now. I could go on the show and wear a stupid Patriots baseball cap and start ordering people around like Boston Rob. I’d win the damn show! (unless they ask me to eat cicada stew)
UGH! When the Secret Service guy walked around in his ratty, red underwear, Ew. I LOVED that season, though. Perfectly played by my Survivor hero, Boston Rob.
I don’t think I’d ever survive Survivor either. I’m not competitive enough. “You want me to smash this tile with this coconut so I can eat a hot dog? Eh.”
These are the things they’d have to do away with on Survivor to get me to play it–first and foremost is: nobody is allowed to only wear pink underwear. Also, I refuse to work for food.
I could only be on Survivor if there were toilets. And if the insects were chocolate-covered…maybe not even then.
I would eat a chocolate-covered insect for sure. I’d just pretend it has extra crunch.
Ahhhh hiLARious – I totally agree with you. No toilets (def worth mentioning twice) and non-stop jabbering also with all that other drama would make me insane(r?). You crack me up – great post!
I’m not sure which would be worse, the outhouses or the endless drama.
approximately the last thing on earth I would want to do is go on Survivor, and I have “survived” a lot — pink underwear on that guy just sealed it and the fact that there are no bathrooms doubled sealed it–ugh yuck ewwwwwwwwwww
Oh, god and the pink-underwear dude was on Survivor twice and both times walked around in his underwear. No one else, not the hunky young guys, just him.
I cannot tell you how too bad that is–I have other words but I thought I would be polite
P.S. You write the best blog posts!
Oh, thanks for saying that!
I knew there was a reason I kept saving this in my in box. Hilarious!
I had to write about my fave show as I have a feeling it’ll be cancelled soon. Happy you liked it!
Um, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Survivor. Maybe the first show. When they vote, is that a straight, up and down majority rule, or do they use the electoral college method?
I don’t think I WILL see it until Renee finally gets on.
I got sucked into the first season – all those years ago – but once I discovered the real concept of the show, I lost interest. I don’t think I’d make a good candidate.
I recall Johnny Rotten (I think that was his name) claiming his grammy was dying just so he could get away from the island for a bit. I never watched the season all the way thru.
I’d never make it. Couldn’t fake it. Wouldn’t eat the bugs. Too much drama. I’d rather be on my couch, sipping a nice cool, adult beverage. 🙂
I’m a huge survivor fan! If I could I would totally go on it just to see how far I could go. It probably wouldn’t be that far, since I don’t like bugs and can’t swim which doesn’t endear one to ones tribe mates…but a person can dream…