Recently, after endless months of intense brainstorming, some marketing genius came up with a new slogan for our beautiful city of Portland, Maine:
Yes. Life’s good here.™
Yes. That’s the slogan.
It was all over the local news. Some people (businesses) loved it. Many people (the rest of us Mainers) hated it.
A huge part of successful marketing is coming up with clever branding; a way to get people to automatically associate something with something else and I forgot what the hell I was talking about. Oh yeah. You need a good hook. Something catchy and original. Like “what happens in Vegas, stays in Zach Galifianakis’s pants.”
Yes. Life’s Good Here.™
So I took it upon myself to come up with my own slogans. Ways to lure people into this
L.L. Bean-snowshoe-n-Mukluk-wearing, maple syrup-swilling freak show of a state.
Making sure they don’t confuse Our Portland — a place known more for beer guts, plaid-clad rednecks and cow chip throwing contests — for that Other Portland. You know the one — where patchouli-steeped people prance about on environmentally-friendly bicycles while smugly eating free-range chicken and guzzling overpriced lattes.
I can see why people mix us up.
So please. Come here. Because:
- Yes. It’s pretty damned cold here.
- Yes. The thermometer can go that low.
- Yes. I can’t feel my eyeballs.
- Yes. I’m wearing fleece underwear.
- Yes. That’s All I’m Wearing.
- Yes. And I’m outside getting the mail.
- Yes. The Winter Makes You Crazy Here.
- Yes. We’re Talkin’ Stephen King Nutso.
- Yes. This Is Why Stephen King is a Wackadoodle.
- Yes. We Have the Worst Governor in History Here.
- Yes. Most of Us Did Not Elect Him.
- Yes. I Plan On Voting For Stephen King Next Time.
- Ayuh. We Have the Worst Accent Heyah.
- Naw. Me No Likey Propah Grammah.
- No. We Don’t Much Care For Portland, Oregon.
- Yes. Portland, Oregon Can Bite Me.
- Really. You Have a One-Way Ticket to Portland, Oregon?
- And. You’ll Give It To Me?
- Yes. I Will Move As Far Away From This Frozen Tundra of Hell As I Can Get. Well, At Least Until July 4th When We Get That One Day of Perfect Weather. Then I’ll Leave Again.
Any other ideas for a slogan? Any slogans you’d like to add for your own state? Any one-way tickets to your state you’d care to share with me?
(disclaimer: Yes. I really love Maine. Yes. I was born and raised here. Yes. I wear plaid.)