I recently had the pleasure of visiting with a local Ear, Nose and Throat doctor for some minor health issues.
I sat down on the crinkly paper in the examination room and waited an eternity for him to see me. My guess was it took him that long just to walk down the hall to my room.
Finally, the door creaked open and in shuffled a man twice the age of Larry King. I assume he’d seen a few patients in his time. Maybe too many.
Here are signs your doctor should probably retire.
- Spends the majority of your appointment grumbling about those bothersome “new-fangled-demon-machine” computers and writes your prescription down on your hand with a sharpie.
- After listening intently to your list of symptoms, he leans forward, scratches his head and sighs, “Well, what do you think’s wrong with you? ‘Cause I got nuthin.”
- Points to a diagram of the digestive system and says, “Well, you see this here? No, really — do you see what this is I’m pointing at? Because I can’t.”
- Points to a diagram of the throat and says, “Well, your problem is when you swallow the food it gets stuck in this little pouch behind the um….er….well, the actual name of it’s not important. Let’s just call it the gullet bag.”
- Picks up a model of the female reproductive system and yells, “Jumpin Jehoshaphat! I haven’t seen one of these up close and personal since 1952!”
- When you mention your asthma’s acting up again, he turns to the nurse and says, “Nurse! Quick — go get me the iron lung.”
- When you complain of any symptom, he invariably has a story about a patient with a medical issue a million times more dire.
“So you say you have a sore throat, eh? Well, I have seen people coming in here with NO throats! None!”
“Oh, you say your back is hurting? Well, I have patients coming in here with no backs! None! Or throats for that matter! And they never complain!” - No matter how serious the symptom you complain about, he always dismisses you with a wave of his hand and exclaims, “Bah!”
________
“Doctor, it hurts when I breathe.”
“Bah!”
_________
“Doctor, my leg is broken in three places. I think I can even see a bone sticking out in this spot here — Oh god! — and now there seems to be a steady stream of blood gushing from the wound!”
“Bah!”
_________
“Doctor, I think my heart just stopped. And I see a tunnel with a bright light. And my dead grandmother..? Oh, how I’ve missed you, Grammie!”
“Bah!” - In a somber tone, he says, “I’m sorry, but you only have a few days to live. You have an extremely rare illness caused by an unknown pathogen. No — wait,” he chuckles. “Maybe that was an old House episode I saw last night….”
- He puts down his clipboard and says, “I’m sorry, but your condition will only be improved by plunging you into an ice bath, then bleeding you dry with a series of agonizing leech treatments. No — wait…” he narrows his eyes, “maybe that was an old Little House on the Prairie episode I saw last night…”
- In the middle of an exam, he pauses, takes off his glasses, puts his hand on your shoulder, looks off into the distance and whispers, “Do you ever get the feeling that this hospital…all these doctors, nurses and patients…are just a figment of an autistic child’s mind as his gazes into a snow globe?”Then, after a long pause, you wave your hand in front of his face, he appears startled and gasps, “Huh? Who are you? And where’s that damn clam chowder I ordered?”
Do they serve clam chowder in this mystical place of snow? Anyone have any other signs your doc should retire? Or should maybe take up a hobby like golf or crochet or crocheting golf club cozies? Anyone have an ENT doc that’s taking on new patients?
She's A Maineiac 
Really really old doctors don’t watch that new-fangled young whippersnapper House, they tune in to see Marcus Welby, MD.
Oh, now THAT would have been a good reference! I am surprised my ENT even knew what a television was…
YOU ARE HILARIOUS! It’s a crap shoot, this doc picking. My elderly mom went to see a young doc not too long ago, for a checkup. During the entire visit, he kept checking himself out in a mirror behind her head. It was disconcerting. I’m sure he diagnosed her correctly. The mirror guided him.
Ha! I have experienced both sides of the spectrum too. My ob-gyn was a clone of Noah Wylie from ER and a few years younger than me. (true story!) Let’s just say BOTH of us were busy checking him out during every visit.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa, I just saw your Rachel’s Table widget – that looks INCREDIBLE! Geesh, DP. Who needs a throat or a back when you have a perfectly good iron lung and those kinds of graphic design skillz?
Thanks, JD, but that widget is awesome due to Rachel’s red-hot awesomeness.
Hey, how DO you make a picture into a widget? I’m thinking Freshly Pegged should be that, but I’m clueless. (By the way, Rachel’s red-hot awesomeness IS a lovely counterpart to your shazam techno skills, Darlonica.)
Hm…do you mean how do you make an image into a clickable thingadoodle? Just copy and past the URL of the page you want people to go to when they click on the image in the widget whozeewhazzit in your dashboard.
Oh and (busting into a cabbage patch dance):
Go, Peg-o! Go, Peg-o! GOOOOOO Peg-o! Freshly Pressed up in your hizzle!
Sorry, I don’t understand all the technical jargon. You computer nerds…
Cabbage patch dance? I sense a new vlog in the making – I’d pay cash money to see that!
Thanks, Missy. I laid in a huge supply of Oreos and Cheez Whiz for the FP party, but nobody got the invite. You could shoot a cannon off at my place (grumble, bitch, moan).
I’ll show up, Peg! And I’ll even eat all the Cheez Whiz for you so don’t despair…
This made me laugh so much, Darla! And if you think this is bad, think of what it was like for me growing up with a dad who was a doctor! I’d say “dad, I’ve a sore throat” and he’d ask to see it (what, like he’d never seen one before?) and would say: “urghhhh!” Mind you, he was pretty old too. Come to that he was ALWAYS pretty old!
Ha! Oh, Val, I bet you have loads of stories about your dad. I can’t even imagine what it must have been like, “Daddy, I have a tummy ache.” “BAH! Some people I see don’t even have a tummy! You should be grateful!”
Hee! 🙂
You should do what I do. What all guys do. Just ignore the problem and, sure enough, it will disappear sooner or later. Works every time. Ask your husband if you don’t believe me.
Very true. Or do the tried-and-true cure-all for anything: soap, water and a washcloth. My dad would prescribe that for everything…cuts, scrapes, aches, compound fractures..”oh, you’re fine! Just put a washcloth on it!”
The surgeon who took my appendix out looked like a Victoria’s Secret model minus the angel wings. No joke. It’s tough to cast my spell and work my magic when stretched out on an operating table with a sleeping gas mask strapped to my face. Charm initiative fail.
Oh, that is the worst when your surgeon is a super-model on the side.
I’ve had the experience many times as my ob-gyn was a dead ringer for Noah Wylie on the TV show ER. He performed 2 C-sections and another major abdominal operation on me, so my guess is seeing my insides in all their glory somehow took the zing out of our flirting. Although, I kept trying anyway.
Once again, you get the gold medal and I only rate a bronze. Second consecutive post. I can’t seem to top you but I’ll keep trying.
Ha! yes, my shitastic life and ability to blab about it knows no bounds…(I’m from Maine, remember? it’s what we do best)
Oh. Maineiac. From Maine. Do you know I just now “got” that? So sad. Most people would have kept something like that to themselves. Now you know who you’re dealing with.
Oh I can’t think of any more examples, but I would say I probably feel more uncomfortable with a doctor who looks like he’s barely old enough to have graduated high school yet, makes me think he’s just going to snigger at my condition (just to clarify, I don’t actually have any condition that would be snigger-worthy, but if I did!). Ideally I think I like my doctor to be about 5 years older than me, whatever age I am, so that I feel like we can relate to each other, but he has the slight edge on experience, you know?
It is hard to decided which is worse, Doogie Howser or Larry King? I’m with you, I like if they’re close to my age. My current ob-gyn IS my age and she’s AMAZING. She has two little kids like I do and suffers from the same ailments as I do so we commiserate during our appointments. She really ‘gets’ me. And doesn’t say “BAH!” when I complain about my hot flashes.
I might be married to one of these guys. Except I think he only talks this way to me. 🙂
Your husband is a doctor? Good lord, you’re the most (***Hi, don’s wife here. He’s being cut off from posting his regularly scheduled Jewish person stereotype comment here and is instead just going to say hi. ) Hi Renee!
Yeah, you should try not to do that. That would be wicked offensive and hateful.
Get out! Does he say “Bah!” to you a lot too? Tell us more, Renee.
In high school I went in for a school physical and the first question was when my last menstrual cycle was. When my mom stopped laughing and explained what a menstrual cycle was I threw up in my mouth a little bit and told that doctor that my mullet was cool and that I most certainly didn’t look like a girl, even though I did have great legs!
^this? Pure awesome.
This comment could really be a future post, Don. Please, tell us more about this mullet-menstrual cycle horror show…
When I was a young teen, I was rushed to the ER with severe abdominal pains. The young doc there kept insisting I might be pregnant. Finally, I yelled (in front of my dad, mind you)
I AM NOT PREGNANT! YOU HAVE TO HAVE SEX FOR THAT, RIGHT?!
Not my finest moment.
(I had acute appendicitis)
Haha!! Oh, your poor father must have been soooo relieved to hear you say that!
Yep. Yet another parenting moment where the kids is mortified and the father is thrilled.
I MUST read that post, Don. If you, you know, write it.
This is why the only doctor I like to visit is WebMD. Anything to get out of sitting on that crinkly paper seat cover.
I swear they make you sit on that knowing full well the agonizing wait will only be more agonizing as you’re forced to sit there and listen to those relentless crinkling noises coming from your ass. And there’s nothing to do in there except read a 1967 Sports Illustrated.
I always rip the paper, too, and then I feel like a real dweeb. I know the nurses are talking about me when I leave.
Wait a minute. You mean to tell me that doctors aren’t gods?
Personally I would jump off a bridge before letting Dr. House near me!
I thought of you the entire time I wrote this, Elyse. My ENT appointment yesterday morning was why my day was so craptastic in general. He actually DID wave his hand and say “Bah!” when I complained of my symptoms. And told me he’s had patients that suffer with my symptoms for YEARS before they come to see him. Oh, so I guess I can come back and see you in a few years then, Doc? Is that enough pain and suffering for you then? Thanks, buddy!
Time for a new doctor! Lord — he had one patient who was too stupid to take action so he thinks everybody should be? Jeez-um
Yeah, methinks he forgot to take his Grump-Free pill that morning. He acted like he was annoyed I came to the appointment. I mean, what, he’s getting paid like 50 bucks an hour? I think he can sit there and at least listen to me whine for three minutes.
Oh how I LOVED to hear your lovely voice yesterday! I’m off to eat lunch at Cook’s lobster house today, then a BBQ with the family….can I try calling you back Friday sometime?
Sounds great!
What timing, Dardardocula! After much hassle, I found a new Dr and met her yesterday. She’s younger than me, very slim, and I think she’ll work out.
I got laid off on the last day of the school year after 13 years. Don’t know if a teaching spot will open for me this fall, so I’ve got to get as much health stuff done before Aug. 31st, when my insurance will end.
Hubbies insurance has more out-of-pocket expenses than mine so the push is on. Dr. Judy is helping me get things rolling. That’s what I get waiting to replace the last Dr who left town on me (last Dec.) Good luck if you’re truly on the Dr hunt.
Good to see you, Tar!
“Dardardocula”?? Best. Nickname. Ever. Have you been taking lessons from MIss Freshly Peg-o-Pressed herself lately?
Oh that is terrible about your job and the insurance! Hope you can squeeze in lots of appointments just in case. I hate to say it, but I’m hoping I get some kind of good insurance once I’m working at a doc’s office, although I’m not holding my breath. I don’t think good insurance exists. I don’t think many good docs exist.
it’s the ART of medicine, subjective
I knew I needed a new doctor when mine confused me with my ex-husband’s new wife & accused me of smoking.
Yikes! That is awful! Speaking of smoking, that was the one question this ENT kept repeating to me over and over, “Do you smoke? Have you ever smoked?” I kept answering no, but after a few more times I felt like yelling, “No, but after this appointment, I plan to smoke three packs in rapid succession!”
How damn funny, Darla. My favorite here is the one about those “new fangled machines”–computers. I forget how you said it. This is a brilliant idea for a post! Hope your week is going well!
Hugs from Ecuador,
Kathy
Thanks, Kathy. Whenever you say something of mine is funny or a brilliant idea, that is such a high compliment coming from someone like you. Happy you liked it! I am thrilled I had a bad appointment yet managed to eek something out of it for a blog post idea.
Too funny!! Actually, I’m finding these days that I must have reached some magical “certain age” because my regular doctor and my swell new foot surgeon are both younger than me. How weird is that?
Here’s one for you. Rather than being too old, my foot doc’s medical assistant is too young and has no life experience. I think she just graduated from medical assisting school this past year… seriously. 1. When she went to take my B.P. with a cute little automatic wrist cuff, I commented that she’s get a more accurate reading if she used an arm cuff up above my elbow (being in pain, my pressures had been a little high, and I didn’t want to be accused of having high blood pressure). She gave me a little bit of deer in the headlights look and said, oh really? I was ready to ask her for a cuff and stethoscope and do it myself. 2. And after chasing her down all the next day for a prescription for a knee scooter (she’s not too great at getting back to patients), I asked her if she could fax the prescription to a specific place where I had just given them all my info to make a rental happen. She hemmed and hawed and said that she wasn’t sure she could fax it because it had all sorts of medical information on it. WTF?? So, I had to drive 45 minutes out of my way to pick up a little piece of paper, to drive 1/2 hr. to the place to get the scooter. When I see my doc tomorrow afternoon, I’m going to have a few suggestions for her regarding her assistant: first being to teach the girl how to fax!
Oh my god! Well, at least she didn’t try to put the cuff around your neck. I really, really hope I can figure that stuff out when I’m a medical assistant next year.
And faxing? What in the hell is with people these days? I had an issue getting my mammogram appointment set up because this woman at the hospital insisted I had never had one before or at that hospital. That’s not something I’d forget. She acted like it was too much of a hassle for her to look into her computer and find me. I hung up, so frustrated, called back, got another woman who actually did her job and magically found me in the computer. I swear, the technology’s getting smarter but the people working with it are getting lazier.
Yes! Most of my docs are now my age or younger than I am. Sigh.
Hilarious, yet scary……I’ve had a doctor so old that I thought he was sleeping while I described my symptoms, cuz he sat there with his eyes closed the whole time (still not sure if he was). Then I’ve had the situation where the kid is so young I have to wrack my brain to see if I ever had him in school.
But my latest situation is actually perfect. I have a cardiologist who is so good looking that I always refer to him as “Dr. Heartthrob”. He thought I had arrythmia the first time he examined me, so I had to tell him to take his hand off my chest. First doctor EVER who was able to inspire me to lose weight and get in shape. Just so I can see him smile. Oops! Little heart palpitation there.
Good luck with your gullet bag and your knobby doohickeys!
haha! I love that your cardiologist inspires you to be healthier. I need one of those docs.
This ENT did close his eyes several times. Either he was bored, napping or temporarily dead.
This is why I self-diagnose using the Internet as my guide. It usually comes back some debilitating cancer.
Ha! I always get that same diagnosis.
Me too. Always cancer or some rare parasite that’s only been seen in two people in the history of the world. I have the worst luck.
I once had some numbness in part of my foot for several days. My Internet diagnosis was that either a) I’d had a stroke or b) my shoes were too tight. It turned out to be a pinched nerve.
I am laughing so hard at this comment, Laura.
My doctor just tells me off for smoking and drinking…..to be fair I probably should wait til I have left the clinic before doing that.
They don’t like it when you self diagnose aswell, years ago I went there and told them I had folliculitus, blocking of my pores causing a horrid post outbreak over my entire body. I lived in a revolting flat on a really busy road, if I opened a window you would be covered in gunk from traffic in seconds. And the shower never worked unless you sat crouched in the plug hole as if you lifted it too high no water came out, and the washing machine was always a cold wash, so basically I was never clean and trapped in a tenancy agreement.
The doc gave me a glare for daring to diagnose myself and told me it was insect bites, so I fumigated my room, it made no difference. He came up with another diagnosis, also wrong, after a couple of months he referred me to a specialist who diagnosed folliculitus before I had time to sit down in the chair. I moved out and used surgical scrub to shower with and it soon cleared up. I think my correct judgment in the beginning gives me an automatic right to put letters after my name and demand £150,000 a year in wages.
Oh, Joe, that’s terrible! If I had a penny for every time I correctly diagnosed myself, I’d have a huge shitload of pennies. But I’ve also been wrong just as many times (like the time I was convinced I had Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever….) Reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where George is certain the white spot on his face is cancer. They call him up and tell him the test was negative and he’s like “Negative! OH NO! I’m going to die!”
I’m watching all the Seinfeld reruns, am on series 8 I think it is, just watched the Bizarro Jerry and The Little Kicks episodes. I’ll never get bored of them
Seinfeld is one of those shows. I worshipped that show, watched it religiously while it was first on the air. Then I was saturated with reruns and couldn’t bring myself to watch a second of any episode for years.
But just this year, I’m back, baby! (as Costanza would yell) Now I can’t get enough of the show again. I’m re-watching every season. I’m also big time into Jerry’s “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee” clips on the internet. Hilarious. He had an episode with Ricky Gervais and I died laughing. (I know, not many people like Ricky, but I just love that man, don’t know why….)
I’m so sorry your pie hole and knobby dohickey are on the fritz. Maybe Marcus Crabby MD needs to be reminded he took a Hypocritical Oath to tend to all injured creatures, great and small, so he should just say tsk, tsk, write you a script for some Oxycontin and shut up about it already!
I will be sure to bring you to my next appointment, Miss Pego.
I’ve searched and searched for a doctor who shows up for appointments on time, doesn’t leave the room halfway through the exam to talk to a drug rep RIGHT OUTSIDE THE DOOR, doesn’t berate me for not answering every question on their online pre-appointment patient screening system, or says, “You don’t mind if Stan here observes do you? He’s learning how to do the yearlies.” and then proceeds to discuss with Stan, the doctor in training, where the best gas prices around town are while doing my “yearly”. BAH!!!!
I thought I’d finally found one who doesn’t use the boob smasher 2000. Sadly, my insurance doesn’t cover the GE Tender Tit Tester.
Hilarious post and disturbing reality!
GE Tender Tit Tester! I have mine next week. Cannot wait.
This is too funny. I just took my daughter to her “wellness checkup” at her pediatrician and in walked the doctor with another woman in tow– “do you mind if she observes us?” Then they chatted about the fourth of July for most of the appointment. So really, I take it working in the medical field involves lots of mindless social chitchat. I think I’m going into the right profession!
I think when they start yawning and looking through brochures on St Lucia during the consultation you know it’s time….
Exactly. Just once I’d love to turn the tables and appear bored and yawn a lot when the doctor asks me what’s wrong.
Hahahahaha! A doctor I went to one time asked me “why are you here today?” I opened my mouth since it was so soar I thought I swallowed a sword and he SCREAMED “OMG! What the hell is that?” Oh, yea…
I also worked for a GYN who was 82 years old. Lord knows I could write a book on those 3 years.
I would think that the first thing they teach doctors about bedside manner would be to never, ever under any circumstances scream out “WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?”
I just assumed that the title of ALL medical text books was NEVER SCREAM “WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?” apparently I was mistaken…lol.
That’s a tough one, Darla. It’s a good thing he didn’t fall asleep mid-sentence! I get nervous when they send in the interns. I had an intern try to insert a tube up my nose while at the hospital and his hands were shaking so much. I think he suffered more than I did, especially when I started crying and asking for a real doctor! 🙂
There is nothing more unnerving than having an intern with shaky hands. I remember one woman trying to insert my IV. I almost wanted to grab it out of her hands and do it myself.
I’m pretty sure my kids visited a pediatrician like this once. I was not impressed.
Thankfully we have one of The Best pediatricians in the state. But it took me a long time to find her.
You nailed it, Darla. Painfully funny. I don’t know if there’s a treatment for that.
My hubby once had a specialist, check in to see how he was doing after an operation. The doc stood in the doorway to ask how Dave was. The doc was gone before Dave could answer. Quite a bedside manner, wouldn’t you say.
Another candidate would be the pediatrician who was on call when our regular doc was off. One time, when I called worrying about my infant’s health, he dismissively said to me, “Oh. You must be a new Mom.” Another time, he didn’t return a call when my daughter had a temp of 103. THAT was the last I called him.
Oh those doctors are the worst. I think once they start dismissing your symptoms, they really need to get a new career. I always thought wanting to HELP the patient was the main goal?
I once had a doctor tell me I was “depressed” and prescribed a book on depression. Turned out I had a giant ovarian cyst. Yeah, the cyst made me quite depressed, thanks, doc.
Darla, Darla, Darla! What a joke, huh? (Not really, but great blogging material, nonetheless, lol). My last experience with someone of the elderly medical profession landed me in the ER. Back in December when I got a really bad internal infection, my then nurse practicioner (a FEMALE) prescribed antibiotics that would “get rid of it”. However, when my symptoms worsened and I kept calling her only to receive no follow up, I researched them on line and went back in to ask her if I could possibly have a more serious infection than what she thought. She said, “Oh, it’s doubtful.” Sent me all over the place getting tests for nothing. Ended up in the ER with a younger MALE doctor who was adamament that he couldn’t believe she didn’t prescribe a more severe regimen of medicine since all of my symptoms warranted it. He also was irate that she didn’t confer with the actual doctor to get a second opinion. He called the office directly while I was in the ER and gave her the smackdown, and I will not be seeing her again. Of course, I recovered after that, but it took much longer because of her lack of knowledge on current illnesses. Yikes! Scary! Good luck with finding the right person for what’s bothering you…bah! 😉 XOXO-Kasey
That is so scary. Messing around with serious infection can be quite deadly. You are lucky that male doc got to the bottom of things. I’ve found this to be true of most doctors, it’s really a crapshoot if you get a good one. But if you DO happen to find a good one, hold onto him/her for dear life. I’ve got a fantastic pediatrician for the kids and one of the best OB-GYNs. My primary care doc is horrible though. She never has any advice and always seems like I’m bothering her with my ailments.
Haven’t had the elder experience but I have had the “Oh My God I can’t believe you are a Doctor cause you’re a TOOL” experience.
Years ago, oldest boy got into some serious trouble medically. The situation was dire. The young doctor giving me the discharge instructions rattled them off like an auctioneer and as I frantically tried to write down the 400 Million tips and comments he cocked an eyebrow and said, “what’s with all the writing? Do you have OCD?”
He’s lucky he’s not still digging my pen out of his forehead!
Good luck in your quest — there are many that are good but just as many who are TOOLS!
MJ
Oh my god! Do you have OCD. That is beyond rude. Sigh. I’ve had so many doctors treat me like that. I think they forget that the patient is human and not well-versed on all the medical jargon and needs to take notes. Especially when it’s your own child that’s sick!
When our son was very ill, we had several docs tell us it was “in our heads” and we were just nervous first time parents. Thankfully, a doc finally listened to us and ordered that ultrasound and diagnosed him with pyloric stenosis.
good for you for insisting! A parent’s instinct is very rarely wrong!
MJ
So true, MJ. That I one piece of advice I always tell first-time parents, trust your gut.
Nailed it! Ape grew up in a small beach town and there was the one doctor everyone went to. He was located in a run down converted house that I am sure would have been dispensing tablets for legitimate or dubious reasons regardless of occupant and all records were hand written on tiny little yellowing cardboard rectangles. I am pretty sure I once saw Nicholas Cage in there rifling through the records looking for a hidden ancient map on the back of one those archaic records.
Ha! Yes, when Nick Cage shows up, you know you’re in trouble. I knew I was in trouble when my doc took out a quill, an ink well and some parchment paper.
What is an ENT doing seeing backless people? That’s for an orthopaedist/neurologist/House to handle. Gah.
I don’t have stories of docs who should retire. I just have stories about gynos who talk politics (using their hands) and the shrink half of my shrinkapist who is younger than me and TOTALLY patronizingly judges me for not having a “real” relationship in x amount of time.
Yeah, how is not having a back related to an ear, nose and throat doc? And why didn’t I run away when I saw the ENT had a model of the female reproductive system?
Oh, speaking of patronizing, judging docs: I once had a LPN tell me I wasn’t having enough sex. This was when I was in my early 20s and didn’t have a boyfriend. She acted like I was a freak. “Y’know…sex is very healthy. You need to have more of it.” Um…let’s just save the advice for another time, shall we? I’m just here for a flu shot for god’s sake.
Oh, I’m definitely not having enough sex. What’s the name of that doctor? I’d like to take my mother to hear her say that to me…
I don’t think anyone on this planet is having “enough sex”.
But at least the geezer makes you feel hip and young. I’ve just hit the age where my doctors are starting to be younger than me and I AM NOT OKAY WITH THAT. No one is allowed to be accomplished until they are much, much older than me. Because my lack of such accomplishment and professionalism is due solely and completely to my young age. Right?
Sigh…
Yeah! How dare these Doogie Howsers throw their knowledge and accomplishments in my face! So what if the main thing I did that day was put on my pants! I mean, do they have to walk in with their smug little white jackets and stethoscopes and be so smart all the time? Pisses me off.
Years ago, I had an old coot doctor who smoked and coughed all through the exam, and said the same thing with every diagnosis. “My wife had THAT!”
Smoked? (shaking head) why am I not surprised. It is very hard to listen to a doc’s advice when he himself is sitting there smoking a cigar or eating a plate of Big Macs.
Maybe your doc should have brought his wife to all his appointments to give out advice.
my doctor is just one year younger than I am and I like that about him–I made the mistake of going to see the new young nurse practitioner and she asked me if I was retired! Retired! retired! I haven’t even found my true calling yet. Retired!–young whippersnapper–I now wait six months to see my doctor cause the only reason I went to see the nurse practitioner was because she was a woman and I did not have to wait so long for an appointment………..
Retired–freedom 55-bah humbug–I am shooting for freedom 95–and anyway, everyone knows writers never retire–they just die at their laptops–or shoot their brains out–or put rocks in their pockets and head out to the nearest pond……………we do not retire!
Retire? What does that even mean? I have no clue.
My fave was when my younger OB-GYN wrote on all my discharge papers in big red letters: Advanced Maternal Age. Who you calling “advanced”, punk?!
I had my first son at the age of 32 and they wrote something like that on my chart too!
I, too, do not know what retire means.
Once you’re above 35 and pregnant, they all treat you like you’re the world’s oldest pregnant woman. I was 36 when I had my daughter. You’d think I was around 65. I think having a baby at an older age is almost more alarming to people than having a baby as a teen.
If your doctor helped deliver all of your grandparents, that’s another sign.
I once talked to an on-call doc and recognized the last name. Turned out she really did deliver me and all my brothers (who are in their fifties now) I guessed she must be about 90. You’d think retirement would be a good idea at that age, but maybe it was either still be a doctor or go greet people at the local walmart.
Maybe it’s because the Walmart shoppers didn’t appreciate being greeted with “Bah!”
When I had stitches put in my head after a fall down the stairs, my doctor looked like Mr.Magoo. I had blood all over my face and he was asking me to hold things– like the needle so he “wouldn’t lose the blasted thing!”. Then he lost the stitch string in my hair. He ended up doing a great job, but man… I was terrified I was going to look like Frankenstein’s monster!
When they start asking the patient to help them put in the stitches, that’s usually a very bad sign.
I once had a hairdresser like that. “here, hold this blow dryer for me for a sec” Um, how about I go ahead and cut my hair for you as well?
Haha! This is why professionals need assistants… or at least tables to set things on.
A few years ago, the doctor I’d been seeing since I was knee high became way to comfortable with being preachy. Sure, there is a time and place for religion but I’m going to say that list does not include while we are discussing why my thyroid gland is puttering out.
‘Melanie, there was a time in my life when I wasn’t doing so well and that’s when I accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as my savior.”
“That’s lovely. And how will this help my thyroid?”
It became her new diagnosis to everything … I needed more God … and to come in every three months to fork out a copayment for a God talk.
Try telling her you’ll pray God sends her the next payment.
I had a very religious doc once who thought coffee was pure evil and the root of all my medical issues. “Yes…I see you have a broken toe….have you tried cutting out caffeine?”
“Hmm…I see you are pregnant again…have you tried cutting out caffeine?”
By the way, I love your middle name. I have the same one.
Oh, yes. I can see where caffeine causes all of those problems!
Thanks! When I started writing I decided I better use it. There is a porn star by the name of Melanie Moore… figured I better differentiate our works of art!
Reblogged this on shymyn2iscool and commented:
This is SO hilarious! Read this to the end and you’ll at least crack a smile.
I nominated you and your wit for the very inspiring blogger award. Here’s my post for details: http://sincerelykaterz.wordpress.com/2013/07/05/freedom-of-speech/
Thanks, for the nod! I try to be inspiring most of the time anyway.
When a doctor takes a call to discuss golf with a friend, in office, I feel like they are probably ready to make the move to a less people and sensitivity-intensive position!
Sometimes I think doctors only go into the profession to play golf.
Gullet bag, awesome. My doctor recently died, I tell people he obviously wasn’t that good.
That is a very bad sign.
Darla, are we having the same symptoms? I’ve been having trouble swallowing for more than a year now — especially bread. I went to an ENT a couple of months ago, and in June I had a scope. Haven’t gotten the results yet.
By the way, I’m pretty sure my ENT is about twelve. He doesn’t take appointments between 3:30 and 5 o’clock, because he has to do his homework.
Let me know what you find out. I hope it’s good news.
So you too? I tend to have to drink fluids while I’m eating to get the food to go down. My 125 year old ENT didn’t seem too concerned. Must be another perk of getting older? I hope your ENT get to the bottom of it, Charles.
Get this. My kids’ pediatrician was a man for whom I babysat as a teen, found him when my oldest was a toddler, and now his son — the cutie 3-yr-old I played “He Man” with so many years ago — is taking over. Is it they’re getting older, or we are? Loved the whole post. You still got it, Darla. You off school for the summer? If you aren’t, you are one brave mama.
Y’know, I’m never too thrilled when the kid I used to change diapers now has three kids of his own. It’s just not right. How dare they get older? because they’re dragging us down with them.
I am OFF for school this summer! I did register for a public speaking course but quickly realized I wouldn’t have anyone to babysit my kids during the four hours classes. So I aim to enjoy doing NOTHING this summer. It’ll be the last time probably for the rest of my life. And you? How’s your summer going so far?
Yeah for you! Enjoy it. Pool in the backyard again? Or did the kids get bored of it like mine did? We are enjoying “someone else’s pool” for the summer. That’s the best kind.
My summer’s turning out super; it’s about time. I actually considered changing the blog name from DirtNKids to SleepsSoOverrated. I know it seems I’ve disappeared (my site stats sure show it), but I’m not going anywhere. Slowly getting back to catching up on my favorite blogs. And sleep.
PS – Rachel looks great on your blog. She’s really made her mark in the WP world!
Sometimes I wonder – knowing absolutely nothing about medicine – whether any guy can just walk off the street, find himself a white lab coat and a stethoscope and call himself a doctor? This is what I wondered several years ago in Hong Kong during the Chinese New Year (when it’s inauspicious to visit a doctor for the first 5 days of the new year, so there aren’t any really working then). Our hotel directed us to a guy – a teenager really – by the name of Dr. Jo. My friend just had a flu and Dr. Jo prescribed him penicillin, Vicodin, and something that looked like horse tranquilizers. Said friend spent the entire week in Hong Kong dead to the world and dreaming about pink dresses and merry go rounds. Old and young doctors – both can be highly dangerous to one’s health.
When I was younger Early 20’s) I had a very old GP. He needed to retire before he was slapped with a sexual harassment suit. One time I went to him for a sore knee. He asked me if I’d taken anything for it. I told him “An aspirin.” He said, “An aspirin? Well I suppose taking one birth control pill will work, too…if you hold it between your legs.”
Another time I went to him for abdominal pain. As I was lying flat on the exam table, he said, “Hmm, it’s been a long time since I got to feel such a nice body.” I mean, really? Maybe he just figured he was thinking it…
Yeah, those signs would unnerve me greatly. To the extent that I’d probably immediately leave the examining room even if I already had the ugly paper robe on already. I’ve never had a super-old or super-creepy doctor, fortunately. I had an orthopedic surgeon who was smokin’ hot, but one time when I was in the waiting room, I noticed that all of his female patients were way hotter than I was, so I was utterly self-conscious when I went into the examining room. That sort of ruined it for me. I did have one doctor who, every time I asked him, “What do you think causes that?” he said, “I dunno.” That didn’t really instill confidence in me.