I recently had the pleasure of visiting with a local Ear, Nose and Throat doctor for some minor health issues.
I sat down on the crinkly paper in the examination room and waited an eternity for him to see me. My guess was it took him that long just to walk down the hall to my room.
Finally, the door creaked open and in shuffled a man twice the age of Larry King. I assume he’d seen a few patients in his time. Maybe too many.
Here are signs your doctor should probably retire.
- Spends the majority of your appointment grumbling about those bothersome “new-fangled-demon-machine” computers and writes your prescription down on your hand with a sharpie.
- After listening intently to your list of symptoms, he leans forward, scratches his head and sighs, “Well, what do you think’s wrong with you? ‘Cause I got nuthin.”
- Points to a diagram of the digestive system and says, “Well, you see this here? No, really — do you see what this is I’m pointing at? Because I can’t.”
- Points to a diagram of the throat and says, “Well, your problem is when you swallow the food it gets stuck in this little pouch behind the um….er….well, the actual name of it’s not important. Let’s just call it the gullet bag.”
- Picks up a model of the female reproductive system and yells, “Jumpin Jehoshaphat! I haven’t seen one of these up close and personal since 1952!”
- When you mention your asthma’s acting up again, he turns to the nurse and says, “Nurse! Quick — go get me the iron lung.”
- When you complain of any symptom, he invariably has a story about a patient with a medical issue a million times more dire.
“So you say you have a sore throat, eh? Well, I have seen people coming in here with NO throats! None!”
“Oh, you say your back is hurting? Well, I have patients coming in here with no backs! None! Or throats for that matter! And they never complain!”
- No matter how serious the symptom you complain about, he always dismisses you with a wave of his hand and exclaims, “Bah!”
“Doctor, it hurts when I breathe.”
“Doctor, my leg is broken in three places. I think I can even see a bone sticking out in this spot here — Oh god! — and now there seems to be a steady stream of blood gushing from the wound!”
“Doctor, I think my heart just stopped. And I see a tunnel with a bright light. And my dead grandmother..? Oh, how I’ve missed you, Grammie!”
- In a somber tone, he says, “I’m sorry, but you only have a few days to live. You have an extremely rare illness caused by an unknown pathogen. No — wait,” he chuckles. “Maybe that was an old House episode I saw last night….”
- He puts down his clipboard and says, “I’m sorry, but your condition will only be improved by plunging you into an ice bath, then bleeding you dry with a series of agonizing leech treatments. No — wait…” he narrows his eyes, “maybe that was an old Little House on the Prairie episode I saw last night…”
- In the middle of an exam, he pauses, takes off his glasses, puts his hand on your shoulder, looks off into the distance and whispers, “Do you ever get the feeling that this hospital…all these doctors, nurses and patients…are just a figment of an autistic child’s mind as his gazes into a snow globe?”Then, after a long pause, you wave your hand in front of his face, he appears startled and gasps, “Huh? Who are you? And where’s that damn clam chowder I ordered?”
Anyone have any other signs your doc should retire? Or should maybe take up a hobby like golf or crochet or crocheting golf club cozies? Anyone have an ENT doc that’s taking on new patients?