I like to buy food. I like to eat food. I like to open up the fridge and find food that I just bought still there. Sadly, this is no longer. Why?
Because my son, CJ, is an eating machine. He has the appetite of a cop at an All-You-Can-Eat Krispie Kreme Buffet. And he eats at lightning speed. I’m thinking of entering him into a Coney Island Hot Dog eating contest. I bet he’d eat 100 hot dogs, the plate and the table within seconds.
My son is only ten, but he’s as tall as a Redwood, has giant tree trunks for feet and can pack away an entire loaf of bread in one sitting. Sometimes I think he eats the bread’s wrapper because I can never find it–just a lonely plate of crumbs shoved under his bed. Which is also covered in crumbs and dust from god knows what other 50 food items he chose to inhale that day.
CJ’s entire world is food now. Recently, I was sifting through his photos and noticed every last one he’s either smirking at me or eating. Usually, both.
He’s in the food pantry so much, I finally caved and threw his pillow and sleeping bag in there (after kicking out my husband).
Sometimes I think I’ve lost my mind and forgot to buy something on my grocery list as it vanishes into thin air somewhere between when I lugged the grocery bags into the house and oh my god, did you just eat that entire package of ham and two gallons of milk? And the receipt?
It’s so bad, I rarely bother to buy food for myself now. This is me grocery shopping:
[throwing cans of tuna into the cart] Hm…okay…that’s fIve, six, seven cans…that should last a day. Oh, and I’d better get the “buy 10, get 10 free” super-sized blocks of cheese…five pounds of sliced turkey… a side of beef….
…oh, and I guess I could buy myself this tiny can of bouillon cubes, that’ll make a good lunch and dinner, right? Hmm…maybe I can thin it out and eat like a queen for a week!….but yeah, who am I kidding, he’d eat that too.
Last week, I went out to dinner without the kids and savored one of the first complete meals I’ve eaten in years — lobster ravioli. I couldn’t finish the dish I was weeping so hard.
“Oh, honey!” I cried to my husband. “This food is so good! Too salty, but sooooooo good! Because it’s FOOD! Glorious food that our son hasn’t had a chance to annihilate!”
The only silver lining is my boy is easy to please. His palate isn’t refined. Probably because the food isn’t in his mouth long enough for his taste buds to activate.
“Hey, Mom! Can I have some bread?”
“Oh, you want an egg salad sandwich? Or a grilled cheese?”
“Nope, just bread!” he yells and gallops away, rapidly cramming plain pieces of white bread into his mouth.
Yesterday I watched him eat ham. Just ham. A big plate of ham slices, nothing else. And this was his pre-snack snack before his first dinner.
I know he’s growing and his body needs massive quantities of food. I realize it’ll only get worse. As it is now when he comes home from school I just hand him a gallon of milk with a straw, a giant stick of beef jerky, a plate of ham hocks and send him on his way.
I wonder if they make lobster-ravioli-flavored bouillon cubes?
Do you also have a human garbage disposal living in your house? Do you have any extra food lying around that you can mail me? Tell me what you’re eating right now so I can live vicariously through you. Thank you.
She's A Maineiac 
I just cut up nine pounds of chicked breast and froze it for future use. Perhaps you should try the same…maybe he won’t eat things if they’re frozen. Eating all that bread sounds scary…
Chicken is one of his fave things to eat. He’d probably even eat it frozen.
Maybe freeze the bread then? All those carbs will destroy him at some point!!!
What if you were to freeze your son and then thaw him out after everyone else had a shot at the food? 😀
you, sir, are BRILLIANT.
Sounds like my younger brother. And since he’s turning 19 this year, he’s been a human garbage disposal unit for many, many years already… The sheer quantity of food that disappears into him is impressive. But he also loves cooking and makes amazing meals, so at least he shares that with the rest of us, when he’s not eating everything in sight 🙂
It is incredible how much this boy can pack away. I do vividly remember my own brothers eating nonstop. My mom used to put out food like she was feeding the bears at a zoo.
I have tried the frozen trick, the hiding trick, the bringing the groceries in the house when no one else is home trick, buying only healthy food trick–none of them work–boys have hollow legs (and trucks and arms)–there is no solution
Yes! I even buy mostly healthy food, thinking that would deter him. Still, once we had nothing but a box of crackers and some moldy ketchup and my son inhaled it before anyone else got a chance to.
“… And the receipt?” HA! He is so stinkin’ cute – the girls are gonna be all over him. And that might make you wary, but look at the bright side: He’ll be spending time in someone else’s kitchen.
Rache recently led us all to believe you didn’t like lobstah. Is she full of more than haikus?
You are so right, JD. Let his future girlfriends/wife deal with his appetite.
Rachel is correct. I do NOT like lobster. I will only eat it if it’s in something…like Lobster Newberg casserole or wrapped with heaps of bacon. I do love all seafood though…haddock, shrimp, salmon…etc.
Both boys went through this stage and we called it the “hollow legs” stage. I can easily remember it for it’s when I shifted from cooking one roast to two, one chicken to three, etc.
🙂
MJ
Ha! Yes, you find yourself thinking…hmm…this gigantic 20 pound turkey won’t be enough…I’ll have to double it.
Yep, feeling your pain. We have one of those too. The grocery bills are stunning!
Steve, I knew you’d relate. If I ever want to get in a good cry, I just take out my grocery bill. I’d say about 99% of the food we buy is for my son. And the 1% for my husband. My daughter and I survive on air and water.
My brother is 16 and we have the same issue in my house. One moment there is a delicious bowl of strawberries, freshly washed and ready to eat. Within the hour, all you see is the red juice swimming in the bottom of the bowl, reminding you of what once was. Having a younger brother gets expensive.
Oh I love that “red juice swimming in the bottom of the bowl”. I remember my mom baking brownies or cookies and by the time I arrived, there would be nothing left but a pan with some crumbs in it, thanks to my brothers.
I don’t know how you do it. This situation would stress the hell out of me – watching my food disappear like that – mainly because I detest grocery shopping and the only thing that makes it better is opening up the fridge or pantry door and seeing food in there. Food that will be there for at least a few weeks. The cereal, no, because my Mom eats it at the pace your son eats everything else. I buy several boxes at a time. But wow. Your son is an eating machine. There is no solution other than to wait for him to leave for college. Sorry.
And even more frustrating is I have zero excuse for my steady weight gain. I’m not even EATING anything! How is it possible?!!
Uh, umm. Sleep eating?
ha! That’s my problem, too!
ha! Most likely. I think it’s also a problem of simple osmosis. If there’s any food within a few feet of me, my body absorbs the calories.
Darla, I SO feel your pain. The good news, with a son who is almost 13, is that Costco sells corporate cash-bag memberships. You may wanna look into that. =)
Oh, yeah, Costco sounds like a safe investment, Stacie! I hear they even sell bouillon cubes the size of small cars!
Too funny. Kids will be kids!
And kids will eat you out of house and home. They say kids are expensive, now I know why.
Take it from me, start pricing cattle, get yourself a sturdy spatula, apron and an “all you can eat” sign now…you’ll need these when he starts bringing his friends/eaters of everything not nailed down over. Forget the college fund a food fund is much more useful. Oh, do not buy him any school clothes until the day before it starts…they’ll be too small if you buy them sooner.
Yes, my boys ate everything in sight, and since we had the best basketball hoop (meticulously measured to be regulation height) and the smoothest driveway, all their friends hung out (hungrily) at our place. My sons (and who knows how many friends – I was at work) once ate 6 frozen dinners (not the cheap crap, but my Weight Watchers entrees), a 5 pound bag of frozen french fries, a container of cookie dough and a gallon of ice cream then followed it up with the unfrosted cake I was making for a work gathering. Now when I have all six grandkids, I just run down the grocery aisles and sweep things into the cart…doesn’t matter what – they’ll eat it.
Haha! Exactly, Katy. Just sweep the shelves into your cart, doesn’t matter what you buy.
He had his best friend over last weekend. I fed those two boys lunch AND dinner and countless snacks. I had to go grocery shopping three times in the time he was here!
Life, you are so right. Now I buy him clothes that are at least three sizes too big because I know by the time I wash them once they’ll be too small for him.
Last week he put his bare feet up against mine and his feet are BIGGER than mine. I wear a size 9. And he’s only ten.
As for cattle, that is a fabulous idea, we have cows right in my backyard. Think the farmer will miss one or two?
Yes! I laughed til I peed down my legs a this. I said FINALLY A FRIEND IN NEED IS A FRIEND INDEED!
My 13 year old has FINALLY decided to hit puberty. He runs in everyday armpit to my face to prove there is ONE MORE STRAY (very light and thin) pit hair. None the less it’s there. I have no doubt he will be tall. His feet are planks. His legs are long. My daughters are tall. He has all the favortisms of his father. That said, puberty has SET IN AND SO HAVE MY PANTRY/FRIG DOORS. GONE-GONE IS THE FOOD. I try to stay stocked. I buy all my bulk from te large stores. It doesn’t matter. That’s almost worse. He gets hungry in the middle of night and that crap is hit FIRST.
AS FOR BREAD? Mine loves loves loves CHEESE “WITH BREAD”. I can’t keep up with the cheese nor the bread.
Two loaves and two pounds of chees please. Thank you mam…
Good luck. Sounds like you have an early bloomer and a boy that’s gonna be a tall one. I’ve always heard the earlier a boy is to puberty the smarter they are going to be. So…something to look forward to?!? Yay for you!
Oh, you have a 13 year old! Yeah, you know all too well what I’m talking about.
What is it with the bread? And if I leave him to his own devices, he’ll make a ketchup sandwich. Or a cheese sandwich. Or a mustard sandwich. Basically, he just wants to eat bread nonstop.
My husband frequently opens the freezer and shouts oh my god, an entire half gallon of of ice cream disappeared overnight! Our son has been known to set off the fire alarm at 2 a.m. while making a little snack. Until recently, we were provisional empty nesters. Meaning our son stopped by in between work and school for provisions. This was primarily the contents of our fridge. Now that he’s in the process of moving out, it also includes furniture and electronics. Of course he will still stop by to do his laundry….and have a snack, no doubt.
Oh, Honie, I see my future in your comments. Yikes! Thankfully, my son doesn’t have any interest in cooking for himself because I’m sure he’d burn the house down making pop-tarts. I foresee years of him showing up to our house when he’s in college with loads of laundry too. I can only hope he marries someone that knows how to make a Hot Pocket.
Oh, man, believe it or not, I actually miss those “hollow leg” days, now that they are gone. (No, I’m serious. Really.)
At one point both of my boys were eating that way, and I used to buy three gallons of milk and two loaves of bread a week. They used to serve their morning cereal in a big salad bowl. They were each good for almost a pound of pasta at dinner. Good times!
And now you know why I let my fifth grade students eat as much and as often as they want during the school day!
And one more thing; Yikes, what a cute kid! Wait till he’s 6 foot 2; those girls are going to be lining up around the block.
Oh my! Cereal in a big salad bowl–I love that. I can’t imagine having TWO boys. My daughter eats like a bird. She’ll take a bite of her sandwich and say, “I’m done, I’m full.” So I suppose it evens out.
Hey, my daughter was the same way! Now, however, she’s a gourmet cook and my fellow chow hound. My middle son (who grew–not kidding–8 inches in one year and used to eat 12 pancakes for breakfast) is now as skinny as a rail and eats once a day. Go figure!
Maybe because now he’s the one paying for it??
When did your son have the growth spurt? My pediatrician warned me my son would have one very soon and I have to be honest, I’m more than a little scared.
My 9 year old daughter is the same way. It’s creepy. She’d be able to lift a Volvo over her head if I told her there was bacon underneath it. I just asked her if she thought your boy was cute and she said “Daaaaad!” and walked away. That means yes as she didn’t say he was a gross boy.
By the way, where is this all you can eat Krispy Kreme place you speak of?
I think I’m with your daughter on lifting the Volvo for bacon. I’d suddenly have superhuman strength if bacon were involved.
But she eats a lot too? Dang, I was hoping my daughter might be different.
Ten? Wait until he hits 13. He will be able to inhale an entire Kroger Supermarket in one visit…
ha! Exactly, Coop. I shudder to think what he’ll be able to eat in a few years. I think I’d better just have my husband cash in his 401k now.
If you don’t already, start reading the comic strip “Zits” – it’s an accurate preview….
I love that comic. It always reminds me of my nephew, Andy. He’s now 19 and, sorry Darla, the eating just gets worse!
Nooooooooooooooooo! Peg.
I’ll have to check out Zits.
LOL! And so it begins. I feel your pain. These days, I like a few potato chips with my sandwich at lunch. But as soon as the kid is aware we have chips in the house, it is guaranteed the bag will be empty by bedtime. I just wish his food vocabulary were larger. He only likes one vegetable (corn), and a handful of fruits. He could live on pasta if we allowed it.
I remember when I was in high school and my older brother was on swim team. The coach told my mom that my brother probably needed about 4000 calories a day just to maintain his weight, while he was swimming. Yikes!
Again, your son sounds like mine. He only likes corn! How convenient. And chips? OH MY GOD. I bought a “family-sized” bag of chips the other day, put it down, turned around and it was an empty bag of chip dust.
If I were your mom I would have had that swimming couch fired immediately.
Oh good, something to look forward to. However, I have a solution. . .for me, not you, sorry. My hubs is my saving grace, because he’s been practicing for years for this eventual boys eating everything phase. Every time he cooks a meal, he cooks enough for about 12 people, even though only 2-4 are eating. And he actually goes shopping for all of the ingredients he plans to cook. Right now, it drives me mad, because I’m throwing away tons of leftovers every week (if I could, I would seriously send them up to you!), and I hate wasting money. But in a few years, I imagine that it might be JUST enough for my growing boys. Fingers crossed.
On the bright side . . . at least your next child is a girl. So maybe she’ll offset it by NOT eating anything.
The way your hubby cooks, you will be set, Misty. Smart man. We never have leftovers. How I miss leftovers….sigh….
You are right about Miss J. She’ll eat one tiny piece of pasta, sit back and say “Wow, Mom. I am SO full!” Let’s hope she keeps this up.
CJ looks fantastic. He must be needing all that food for growing up. He saved you from worry if he was a picky eater.
He was a horribly picky eater. He was on the Brown Diet most of his toddler/preschool years. He only ate the food if it was brown: pasta, toast, chicken nuggets, fries. Thankfully, he’s expanded his palate now. And we have zero food in the house.
I just returned from brunch where I ate a slice of quiche with a green salad and a small baguette with a slather of Nutella on it.
Wish you were here. 🙂
Sigh…….I remember Nutella….vaguely…
Oh dear! Just wait until he’s 16 and his appetite is even greater, as his his friends’ who are also hanging out at your house.
That is what I’m afraid of. I remember my brothers and their friends–they’d run into my mom’s kitchen like a crazed mob and devour anything that wasn’t nailed down. I am soooooo screwed.
My son is 11, and his catchphrase is “hungry”, always said in a kind of caveman grunting way. At night before I go to bed, when I go in to check he’s ok, and switch off his x-box or whatever, sometimes he half wakes up and, this time in a drowsy caveman voice, with eyes still closed, will say something like “Can I have a sandwich?”
Vanessa-Jane: Our sons may very well be attached at the brain. Or maybe they simply play online games together…that sounds just like mine. He once came into my room around 3 am and said this to me about our Schnauzer “Ginger”: “Hey mom, do you remember that time Ginger was a hotdog and I tried to eat her?” I said that I didn’t remember that and he shook his head and went back to bed. I laughed for an hour. Then I got up and had a hot dog. #truestory
Ha wahmcat! We all think our kids are unique and it turns out they’re actually all the same!
Oh my god, V–you just described my son. He IS like a caveman! He does the grunting thing and the mumbling “Hungry.” My favorite is when I tuck him into bed, he’ll grunt “I’m hungry” and I’m like, “Uh…you JUST ate three ham sandwiches!”
So…a couple of things.
First, your blog is HILARIOUS! And I look forward to following it!
Second, how the heck did you get your refrigerator that clean with a 10 year old in the house?! I have a 13 year old son (who hit puberity at 9!), an 11 year old female garbage disposal that I often call my daughter (and/or best friend) and my 20 month old son who is just learning what he likes and doesn’t like. And my refrigerator kind of looks like the depths of hell…until I dive in (complete with bio hazard suit!) every month – because more often would be pointless.
Third – Can you share what app or program you used to get those nifty little message bubbles on your sons pics?! That could come in pretty handy!
and finally Fourth – I am a newbie at this, but look forward to the blogging world! I would appreciate it if you could hop over and follow me! I promise to try and entertain. 😀
Oh! haha! No, no, no. that is not my actual fridge. That was a stock photo I found on the internet. My fridge would scare the crap outta you guys. And I would never ever buy yogurt on purpose.
Those nifty little bubbles are due to my fantastic PowerPoint program. I took a computer course in college last year and I knew I’d be getting my money’s worth someday.
Thanks for all the comments on my blog and if you’re a newbie there is one thing I can tell you and that is keep writing and writing and writing. Have fun and the readers will come to you. I’ll pop over and check your blog out.
Is that your fridge?!?! My god! How to you keep it so clean?! It’s not like mine has bugs in it or anything like that, but dang! Nice!
Demand to smell his breath and see if it reeks of plastic bread wrappers. There’s only one other way to tell for sure but I’m not going there. Not today.
Food, glorious food! From “Oliver!” Ach. Earworm.
As a young lad, my favorite quick snack was to jam my index in the jar of peanut butter (the one that everyone had to eat out of) and go my merry way. Has he ever done that? Tell him to try it! It’s great! He has the eating habits of a billy goat. A good man.
No. that for sure is not my fridge. My fridge currently has some kind of red sludge seeping into my veggie crisper.
“there’s only one way to tell and I’m not going there. Not today.” bwa ha ha! Well, thank you for your restraint.
I was actually singing Food, glorious food when I wrote this. I was the third orphan in our middle school’s production of Oliver!
What is with the peanut butter? My brothers used to babysit me. I distinctly remember one of them shoving a jar of peanut butter in my face and giving me a spoon. “Here’s your dinner.”
Really? Only the third orphan?! Dang! You can’t CATCH a break, can you?
It’s tragic really.
Actually, to be perfectly honest…I was the third orphan’s understudy.
I’m smiling at the memories this brought back. When my now 6’5″ twins and their older brother was that age I found myself doing defensive shopping. I would like the grocery stores to put the less expensive filling foods at eye level in the pantry. Eventually, after I went to make dinner and found (again) that a key ingredient had gone missing, I resorted to an off-limits shelf in the pantry, fridge and freezer and a ‘don’t eat the last one’ rule. Enjoy these years, they go so quickly.
Now did you have ALL boys? god bless you. I remember when my son was a toddler and snuck often into our food pantry, I made my husband install one of those baby-proof locks on the door. I might have to resort to doing that again. I doubt my son could figure it out. I doubt my husband could figure it out.
What you need is a trough and a slop bucket and just let the magic happen.
Sometime I wish I could just throw a side of beef onto the floor, ring a giant triangle and holler, “SUPPAH!!!”
I am waiting for this to kick in. WAITING. My eldest is nearly 10 and despite playing sport from dawn to dusk, he is the pickiest eater known to man. Except bread – he is the same about bread.
Oh, lordy. Yes, you are so close to the precipice. My son was the exact same way — last year. Now? He leaves nothing behind but food dust.
I just ate tuna pasta salad. I love it. (Since you asked.) My dad and his brothers ate my grandparents and aunts out of house and home for about 15 years between the three of them… my grandmother would make my dad three sandwiches for lunch in high school and he’d eat them on the bus before he arrived in the morning. My parents had four daughters. Much easier. My sisters will be in trouble when my nephews are in that stage, particularly Sister 1 with the twins.
That story about your dad eating the sandwiches on the bus killed me. There is nothing more tempting to a growing boy than to put any kind of sandwich in front of his face. My son lives on sandwiches. He eats them for snack now. I think he’d be eating sandwiches while he’s sleeping if he could. My daughter is so far the opposite of my son, so there’s always hope.
I can certainly relate to the young lad. As a teenager a friend and I would go out every night immediately after dinner with our families to eat a couple of burgers, a barrel of KFC, pizza, etc. Fat Tommy (the name he actually went by, in those days) and I were once barred from a Chinese buffet for over-consumption.
If you are a coronary care specialist within the sound of my voice and know the whereabouts of Fat Tommy, please contact me via my blog… I haven’t seen him in decades. Thank you.
For a second I thought I read that you guys ate Fat Tommy.
Your last message (and the “barrel of KFC”) made me laugh so hard that for a brief glorious moment, I forgot that all my money will be forever tied up in grocery bills. Thank you for that.
Hysterical, Darla. I can just envision him inhaling groceries much like Jeremy does in the comic Zits. I had two daughters – so I didn’t go thru that. But I had male friends who could have kept pace with CJ.
My daughters and I have a running joke about all-you-can-eat buffets. The chef (we named him Guido) storms out of the kitchen and says menacingly … “I said: That’s all you can eat.” And you’re thrown out of the restaurant. 🙂
I have never read the comic Zits, maybe I should start so I won’t feel like I’m so alone. I know for a fact my son would be thrown out of an “all you can eat” buffet. Probably within minutes.
I so relate, only I have two that fit your description. In the summer, kids home 24/7, I simply quit buying bagged-or-processed anything to curb the non-stop pantry raids. Sleeping bag in the pantry? What a novel solution indeed! For the time being, it’s fresh stuffs, nuts and leftovers or quick burritos for a fix. I keep a variety of “filling” for such prepped and in the fridge so they can easily help themselves. I spend less time in the cramped apartment kitchen and more time listening to kids gripe that they hate my bread. (I buy what I like, flax and fiber…big fat kid yuk!)
My girls are next in line to sprout into food-inhaling bottomless pits. I know it’s coming…Lord help me and my rising grocery budget.
Quick burritos? Leftovers? can you come cook for me, Shan? I’ll even set you up with a cot in the food pantry…..
My daughter is much like I was at her age–she eats like a bird. She’ll take one bite and say, “I’m full” but she does eat healthier than my son and will try anything once. Her fave thing right now? Brussels sprouts.
Any kid that loves brussels sprouts is welcome over at our house!! Alas, John’s friends are reluctant to come for more than a few hours lest they starve. Our pizzas are the fresh variety (homemade crust, veggies only, no cheese), we don’t eat eggs, milk or bacon for breakfast (blasphemy!!) and there’s mostly GREEN on any plate. It’s like the zombie apocalypse to them. LOL
I’ll take that cot. If only for some peace and quiet. Can you install a lock on the door too? And a reading light?
Anything for you, Shan.
I recently decided to cut out dairy in my diet. (gasp) and maybe even meat. (double gasp) I’ve always thought I could be a vegetarian…at least in theory….
my fridge empties almost immediately as i’m filling it. it’s the strangest thing. i guess that’s living in a house of boys. yours is verrrry cute!!
What’s odd is the fridge empties fast, but never the dishwasher or the washer/dryer, which are always bursting to full. Why is that?
that is a really interesting observation. same phenomenon in my house…
Tommy and I would hit the food hard — real hard. I was only ~110 lbs. but we did some serious damage to the world food supply in those days.
True story about the KFC… FT and I ate a barrel (original recipe) at a lookout in Montreal during the winter, just tossing the bones out the car windows as we ate. Because it was winter, no one went there so the next night we showed up with some other food and found the little frozen piles of bones were still standing, so we pledged to stick to the KFC to see how big we could get the piles. They got to be quite the little pylons until it snowed and some rogue plow and/or snowblower driver erased our twin monuments to teen gluttony causing us to abandon chicken for a time and move on to our conquest of China Town.
Oh, too bad this wasn’t in the day of social media, you guys could have tweeted some fabulous photos of your frozen KFC bone pile monuments.
This reminded me of a story. I was in college out west and my roomies and I got into this habit of throwing our banana peels up high into the pine trees outside our little modular dorm. Eventually, the tree would be covered in moldy black banana peels. We did this for the shits and giggles. Also, because we were stoned.
Jules’ brother, Bryan, went through this phase. Grew 8 inches in what seemed like 6 months. He had 3 sizes of jeans that I couldn’t even get the tags off of before he grew again. Buy the 34″ inseam jeans now. Just saying. And OMG, your son is so cute!
PS – I just tried lobstah since I happen to be in Maine at the moment. Great in mac and cheese, but a lobster roll? Ick, not so much.
Babs?? On MY blog! BABS! I feel like I’ve been visited by a celebrity!
Yes, the clothing is really getting out of hand. My son really DOES have several pants in his closet with the tags still on them. I have to donate them soon because he outgrew them all on the way home from the clothing store.
You are in Maine? And you didn’t bring me any lobster? Good, ’cause I don’t like it, either.
WHAT A CUTIE PIE, first of all. Second of all, look at the bright side, he’ll keep you from eating everything in sight and gaining 15lbs. every other month. I need one of him in my house. But I don’t want to have to raise him or anything.
What’s crazy is I hardly eat anything at all and yet still gain weight steadily. And all of it’s in my ass. This getting old thing sucks big time.
I’ve a Costco bulk pack of seaweed snacks I’m POSITIVE your son will NOT want to have.
Ooh! Delish! I’ll take 10! The only thing I believe he refused to eat is anything that’s a veggie and that’s green.
Why do you think I send my kid to summer camp? So he stay out of my pantry for a few weeks. I swear it’s LESS expensive to send him to 7 weeks of summer camp than it is to FEED him. 🙂
I really do believe that, Renee. I can’t believe I’ve got, what….11 more years of feeding him? I should just start eating dirt.
Hey, dirt ain’t cheap. Time to start playing the lottery.
I too suffer from this issue, except it’s times 3. I have 3 sons and a husband that inhale and *poof* the food is gone! I had a stockpile, key word there is *had*, they ate through that faster than I could refill it! Ah!! Kids…(and husbands!)
Three?! AND a husband? I really don’t have it that bad. May I suggest you start hiding some food, that’s what I do. I put most of my chocolate stash inside the frozen peas box in the freezer.
Yes! The only other Estrogen in this house is my Cat, and she’s fixed (and a biotch) so, I’m on my own. I found hiding food doesn’t work, since they have the noses of a blood hound and sniff out the good stuff! I started buying ‘diet’ foods that I KNEW they wouldn’t like, didn’t work, my oldest has a palette like his mother and POOF that’s gone now too. I have taken to couponing like a crazy person, and if they want sweets, they have to ask my Mom! Three is the key to insanity 😉 Frozen Peas is a great place to hide chocolate! Not one person here would look for it there! Thanks for the tips, I’ll need them as they all start to grow! I’m coming up on my youngest son starting to eat, and soon it’ll be my plate he wants…
I feel for you, I do. My poor mom had five boys and me to deal with.
This is so funny, Darla – and I can so relate! My 19 year old with a shoe size of 15 ( yes, it’s not a typo) still eats like that and he’s thin! He’s home for the summer and his favorite phrase is, “there is nothing to eat in this house.” That’s because you ate it ALL, honey! I can’t keep up. My problem is that I also end up eating the foods I buy him including the junk food and I gain all the weight and he doesn’t. Your boy is sooooo adorable!! 😉
Oh, don’t you love that? My kids will throw open all the cupboards and whine, “There’s nothing to EAT! I’m HUNGRY! I’m THIRSTY!”
My son’s feet are going to be Shaquille O’Neal sized. He’s already bigger than mine and he’s only 10. My husband wears a size 13 so my son will be a 14 at least.
Zappos is the best place to get giant’s shoes!! We order them from there and can return them for free. 🙂
That is good to know. His feet are also super wide. do they make a tree-trunk sized shoe too?
Jacob did not have a hollow leg. He didn’t eat everything in iChat, but he was getting fat! What could be the trouble? Doctor after doctor didn’t know. Finally, after 3 years of weight gain, his teacher suggested we not let him bring money to school. He was snagging coins all that time and buying, and eating candy and pastries with it.
Ooh, that sounds like something my son would do. he’s pretty sneaky. I can’t wait in a few years I can start bugging him about getting a job and buying his own snacks.
Wow, Darla, I can relate! Our kid ate us out of house and home. He was growing so fast, he would go to bed at night, come downstairs in the morning, and I could physically see that he had grown – and inch or more! It was almost frightening. He ended up with stretch marks around his arms (by his armpits) and on his sides by his midsection. Thank goodness he stopped growing at about 6′ 2″. But he never stopped eating!!
Live vicariously through this: I just ate an entire can of refried beans that I heated, added jalapenos to, and topped with tomatillo sauce. You caught me on a “carb” day. 😉
It really does feel like I turn around and my son has gained three inches in height. I buy him new shoes every five minutes. This is why parents are broke.
Oh, refried beans sounds good right about now. I did manage to snag a peanut butter cookie from the batch I just made. It’s a good day.
I’m eating cherries. They’re delicious. I bought them yesterday. I’ll eat more of them tomorrow.
You are so lucky. I had a piece of gum today.
Oh honey, so sorry. And he’s only 10? You’re going to be in so much trouble in five years.
And I have to say, when you said he was just eating ham, all I could picture was Ponyo (from the titular movie) screaming “HAAMM!” Adorable. Even if it means you don’t get to eat.
We had beer butt chicken for dinner. It was delicious. I’d offer to share, but…
He does have a thing for ham or turkey. Or chicken. Or bacon. He will sit there and eat 8 strips of bacon in one sitting. Then ask for more.
Oh my giddy aunt!! Your son has eyes that someone down the track is going to get lost in – he is one good looking dude.
Your post is so funny and brought back memories of my son’s bottomless pit days. He would eat 13-15 Weetbix for breakfast and supper (and any other time he was hungry) that we literally called him the Weetbix Kid, like the ads, and his response was always, “Yes, I’ll have some, thanks.” He is is now a 6ft 2in grown man with a son of his own and it pleases me no end that my son will go through the same thing with his offspring. Karma! 🙂
Ah, yes….payback. I sincerely hope my son has several boys, double the dose of karma. I know my son will be at least 6 feet tall, his dad is 6 ft 1 and my son is basically the spitting image of his dad.
I think I am the human garbage disposal. At 27 I often have situations where I sit on the sofa, a haze comes over me and when normal service resumes I have eaten a whole block of goats cheese. And loved it.. Im pretty sure I keep farmers in business!
I was the same way in my twenties. I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I felt like it. God, I wish I could go back to those days now. I’d have a full dinner, then eat ANOTHER huge dinner later at night, like nachos or pizza while I watched TV. Now I can’t eat anything past 6 pm.
The mental picture of you weeping over your restaurant dinner- ha! Isn’t it funny how we’ve lowered the bar on a good date night?
That human vacuum is one cutie-patootie!
I have girls and they aren’t nearly this bad, but once they hit puberty they were ravenous all the time. Now it’s just my hubby, me and my insane sweets cravings.
It is really funny about my date night…so funny how pathetic my standards are now. I had forgotten how to eat and enjoy a full meal, Peg-o.
I never had that until recently. I guess my son is a late bloomer at 23! He stops by and inhales whatever is in the refrigerator…
I have a feeling my son will be the same way, an early eater and a late bloomer. I’ll be feeding him until he’s 30.
Hey, Girl! I still need to read this post, but wanted to let you know I nominated you for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award! You can find it and the instructions in my last post. Love ya! XOXO-Kasey
Ooh! Thanks. I am honored! How is the summer treating you? I’m tired, but wishing in a way it’d slow down a bit. I saw back to school stuff at Target yesterday.
Summer is going pretty darn well, actually. My daughter is doing great, and so that is making everything nice, of course. Seems to be going at a decent pace, too. Just trying to focus on one-day-at-a-time. Ugh, I can’t stand how everthing gets sped up by advertising. We were in Toys R Us last night and they have Hallowee stuff out already! What is it you say now, “Jeezum Crow!”
Wow! That is some serious eating power! I’m impressed. I can only devour fast quantities of food when it’s junk food. Which is bad. I should be in a Cheez-It eating contest. Or crouton eating contest. If it was an apple eating contest, I would fail willingly.
I had a huge salad yesterday, took me forever to make it. I peeled cukes, chopped red onions….cut up carrots….then dumped about three pounds of croutons on top. Kinda defeats the purpose but I just really like croutons.
I use to eat so many croutons growing up my mom boycott buying them!
Ooooo…look at his eyes! Beautiful!
I have a secret hiding spot for my food. It’s hidden under all the veggies. The fruit drawer doesn’t work as well.
I have a feeling I’m in trouble with those eyes of his when he’s a teen. Also his ridiculous dimples.
“Bread, it’s what’s for pre-snack snack.” Love it! I guess the good news is you can shop at Costco without worrying that the portions are too big. I’ve always wondered who buys the single, five-pound can of tuna fish and now I know – people with growing boys!
Exactly. Now I know why they sell those vats of mayo. Because some poor mom is making her son 100 sandwiches.
haha, yes!
Mr. Weebles tells me what he and his brother were like as teenagers with the eating. They were machines. It’s a wonder my mother-in-law ever had any time away from the supermarket. Fortunately he grew out of that, so I don’t usually run out of anything. Unless it’s chocolate or soda. Then all bets are off. On the other hand, I’m the one who could easily house an entire loaf of bread, so I shouldn’t talk.
There is something so appealing about bread. I crave toast every night and once I start eating it, I can’t stop. Damn carbs!
And you’re just getting rolling. My son just turned 21, it is just starting to slow down now and then.
Noooooooooooo!! I’m praying my son gets married at an early age mainly because then his wife has to deal with his nonstop eating.
I remember those days with my two boys. We nearly had to take out a loan for groceries. Now I am the culprit because I’m home all day. Hang in there. He’ll slow down again in about fifteen years.
Having two boys, I can’t even begin to imagine what your grocery bills must have been like, Susan.
I remember this when I had two boys in the house, my grocery bill each month was more than my mortgage payment. I tried keeping on veggies in the house, they learned to like even those. It was weird.
The bad news? It will continue for like, well 8 years.
It really blows my mind that even if I try a health food tactic, say, only stock the pantry with dried banana chips and flax seed…my son will still inhale it.
So jealous, you ave a pantry. Curse our small kitchens!
Don’t feel too jealous, Joe. Our “pantry” is really a small closet and our kitchen also a small closet. But thankfully, our pantry is just the right size for me to squeeze my fat ass inside and wolf down an entire package of Ho ho’s without anyone knowing.
I fell better now, I just see these huge ones on Pinterest. Like I really need more space for food…
#5 hasn’t quite hit that stage yet, but he’s on his way. #3 and #4 during sports season are close, but I know nothing is going to compare to the boy. I fully expect that as we lose girls to college our food bill isn’t going to go down one cent. Oh, and I try different healthy things that I think they will hate. It only works sometimes, so I resort to putting either hot sauce or crushed red pepper on everything. That’s how I get to eat.
Now that’s a good idea, just douse your food in hot sauce. BUT my son happens to love spicy food. His fave thing to eat are “ketchup chips” dipped in hot mustard. Blech.
Wow, that sounds. . .unique. Blech.
My wife and I hide food that we hope to be able to eat ourselves. We also sometimes buy two of something, stash one and leave the other on the kitchen counter in plain sight. Magicians call that misdirection; we call it worth a try.
Great post, Darla. You don’t want to hear that it gets worse, so I won’t tell you.
Darla,
I made something for CJ, based on this post, and because Steve asked me to. It’s not as awesome and magnificent™ and perfect and [insert grandiloquent sentiment] as my usual work, but I hope he likes it. But it’s pretty lame.
Le Clown
Holy hell! Love it. haha!!
You are scaring me! HAHA
I have a son. He is still a baby but should I start saving up (preferably money and bread)?!
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My 7-year-old looks like he is ten, and is always the tallest kid on his Rec Sports team, but his palate is discerning and he eschews tuna casserole. He is a 7.5 giant who dances Hip Hop and wants a good meal and conversation. I live with a 40-year-old man.