I like to buy food. I like to eat food. I like to open up the fridge and find food that I just bought still there. Sadly, this is no longer. Why?
Because my son, CJ, is an eating machine. He has the appetite of a cop at an All-You-Can-Eat Krispie Kreme Buffet. And he eats at lightning speed. I’m thinking of entering him into a Coney Island Hot Dog eating contest. I bet he’d eat 100 hot dogs, the plate and the table within seconds.
My son is only ten, but he’s as tall as a Redwood, has giant tree trunks for feet and can pack away an entire loaf of bread in one sitting. Sometimes I think he eats the bread’s wrapper because I can never find it–just a lonely plate of crumbs shoved under his bed. Which is also covered in crumbs and dust from god knows what other 50 food items he chose to inhale that day.
CJ’s entire world is food now. Recently, I was sifting through his photos and noticed every last one he’s either smirking at me or eating. Usually, both.
He’s in the food pantry so much, I finally caved and threw his pillow and sleeping bag in there (after kicking out my husband).
Sometimes I think I’ve lost my mind and forgot to buy something on my grocery list as it vanishes into thin air somewhere between when I lugged the grocery bags into the house and oh my god, did you just eat that entire package of ham and two gallons of milk? And the receipt?
It’s so bad, I rarely bother to buy food for myself now. This is me grocery shopping:
[throwing cans of tuna into the cart] Hm…okay…that’s fIve, six, seven cans…that should last a day. Oh, and I’d better get the “buy 10, get 10 free” super-sized blocks of cheese…five pounds of sliced turkey… a side of beef….
…oh, and I guess I could buy myself this tiny can of bouillon cubes, that’ll make a good lunch and dinner, right? Hmm…maybe I can thin it out and eat like a queen for a week!….but yeah, who am I kidding, he’d eat that too.
Last week, I went out to dinner without the kids and savored one of the first complete meals I’ve eaten in years — lobster ravioli. I couldn’t finish the dish I was weeping so hard.
“Oh, honey!” I cried to my husband. “This food is so good! Too salty, but sooooooo good! Because it’s FOOD! Glorious food that our son hasn’t had a chance to annihilate!”
The only silver lining is my boy is easy to please. His palate isn’t refined. Probably because the food isn’t in his mouth long enough for his taste buds to activate.
“Hey, Mom! Can I have some bread?”
“Oh, you want an egg salad sandwich? Or a grilled cheese?”
“Nope, just bread!” he yells and gallops away, rapidly cramming plain pieces of white bread into his mouth.
Yesterday I watched him eat ham. Just ham. A big plate of ham slices, nothing else. And this was his pre-snack snack before his first dinner.
I know he’s growing and his body needs massive quantities of food. I realize it’ll only get worse. As it is now when he comes home from school I just hand him a gallon of milk with a straw, a giant stick of beef jerky, a plate of ham hocks and send him on his way.
I wonder if they make lobster-ravioli-flavored bouillon cubes?
Do you also have a human garbage disposal living in your house? Do you have any extra food lying around that you can mail me? Tell me what you’re eating right now so I can live vicariously through you. Thank you.