So Here’s the Thing About Sleeping…


There are few things in life I cherish as much as sleeping.

No matter how dismal things get, I find solace in the knowledge that at the end of the long day, I will lay my weary head down on a soft pillow and fall asleep. I love to leave it all behind, let the tensions melt away. It’s life’s ultimate Oh yeah? Well, screw you! I’m checking out for 7 to 8 hours.

So here’s the thing about sleeping — I’ve forgotten how to do it.

The falling asleep is the easy part. I’ll close my eyes and immediately drift off, skipping down the dreamy yellow brick road into bizarro-world. It’s a magical place where I can ride tigers made of rainbows or swim in a giant ice cream sundae with Brad Pitt and Abraham Lincoln.

But once I pass into the first REM stage, things start to go a little haywire. My mind suddenly decides to abandon Brad just as he’s about to spoon-feed Honest Abe some hot fudge. Next thing I know, I’m brutally jolted back into real life alertness with zero warning.

Going straight from vivid dreaming to reality with no transition is traumatizing. I wake up. heart pounding and think Aw damn! I’m back here?! Well, at least I got a good solid night’s rest! Time to face the goddamned day! Then I turn over to look at the clock:


I had only been sleeping 45 minutes.

Between this constant waking all night long and the fact my husband tends to snore like a chainsaw, it’s no wonder I sometimes hallucinate.

Yes, I’ve been known to hallucinate while in that strange twilight stage between dreaming and reality. I used to sleepwalk as a child. More than a few times my mom would find me at 2 am pouring dog food into the dishwasher or peeing into the clothes hamper. Thankfully, I’ve outgrown my sleepwalking.

Now I just hallucinate mutant spiders.

A few months ago at 3:15 am, I awoke to find a hairy black tarantula the size of a dinner plate on the wall. Another night at 12:35 am, I opened my eyes to see a dozen tiny glowing red spiders were descending from our ceiling straight onto my head. After a few terrifying seconds feeling paralyzed, things start to fade away as I begin to fully wake up.

According to the Internet, this is called hypnopompic hallucinations. The other type, hypnogogic, Slide1happens when one is falling asleep and is considered to be a common phenomena. Figures I’d get the rarer, more hairy-spidery type.

Thankfully, I only have them occasionally because I don’t tend to react in a reserved way to these nighttime spider sightings. Like the one I had most recently:

“Ahhhhh!!! AHHHHH!” I screamed, sitting bolt upright in our bed.

“What? OH MY GOD! WHAT?” my husband sat up and yelled, looking all over the dark room.

“AHHHH!!” I screamed again, frantically pointing at the spiders on the wall.  I grabbed my husband by the shoulders and violently shook him. “KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT!!” I yelled.  I started whacking him in the face with my pillow. “DIE! DIE! DIE!”

It’s only when I’m about to squash a tarantula on his head with my baton trophy that it dawns on me:

1. I was only dreaming.

2. There really are no spiders

3. This will be grounds for divorce one day.

Do you sleep soundly?  Have you ever had insomnia or sleep paralysis or a sleep disorder? No? Well, then. I hate you.


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156 thoughts on “So Here’s the Thing About Sleeping…

    1. Eh. I don’t have them often enough (THANK GOD) and I’m actually quite used to it now. My husband isn’t, I suppose. But I consider it payback for his constant snoring that keeps me awake. Now if I awoke to hallucinate Abraham LIncoln feeding Brad Pitt ice cream, I might consider going to a sleep specialist.

  1. Ugh, sleep issues are the WORST!! I’ve had similar stuff happen. Thankfully no spiders, more like waking up and my room has become a dark scary wind tunnel. I’m terrified because went I went to bed there was only a fan that is surely not strong enough to create a wind tunnel. I want to scream and run but have no voice and my body feels paralyzed. Or my personal favorite waking up seeing someone/thing standing at the foot of my bed. I awake with such a start I scare the crap out of my boyfriend too! Which he loves, I’m sure of it.

    1. Apparently these things don’t only happen to me. We sleep with a fan on (need white noise) and sometimes I’ll be waking up and the fan will make this weird churning, chugging, sputtering sound.

      But if you think about it, when we’re asleep, our hearing is somehow turned off completely, so it only makes sense when we transition back to waking, our senses take time to switch back on.

      I find all this stuff endlessly fascinating. I seriously considered becoming a sleep expert back in college, but when I found out there would be very little actual sleeping on my part, I went into psychology.

  2. Spiders and sharks. My two reoccurring nightmares. In fact, I’ve written a draft about a spider who paid me an unfriendly visit in the shower. I swear I thought he was going to visit me in bed later that night. I slept with one eye open.
    Then, there are sharks. They always seem to strike when I’m in a pool. Wonder if there’s a diagnosis for that sleep abnormality?

    1. Did you ever hallucinate sharks? I hope not because if I woke up to see a giant shark on my bedroom wall I’d probably have a massive heart attack. Well, after I pummel my husband to death with a pillow.

      1. No hallucinations, only nightmares.
        According to a study from New Mexico University, you can shake these nightmares by “image rehearsal therapy.” Meaning you rewrite the ending to your scary dreams while you’re awake. So you replace gruesome shark attacks with happy, frolicking dolphins instead.

      2. I’ll have to try rewriting mine. Back in college, I remember studying ‘lucid dreaming’ where you realize you’re dreaming while you are dreaming and can direct what happens in the dream. Apparently, it really works! (although I’ve never tried it myself)

  3. I wear a cpap mask so that my wife can sleep better at night. Apparently, I stop breathing during my sleep. It’s much worse when I’ve been drinking, which is pretty often. Several women in college said something about it, but I always just assumed that they were stupid bimbos since they were sleeping with me and blew it off. My wife finally forced me to get one of those things though. I don’t think it helps me sleep, but it is mandatory that I wear it so that she can sleep more soundly. When I slept in my old basement bedroom with no windows, I had a waterbed (do they still make those?) and it was pitch black. Periodically, I’d wake up all discombobulated and start freaking out because I had no clue where I was. I mean like freaking the fuck out! Wait, can I say that here? That’s never happened outside of that room though.

    1. Oh, I know alllll about the cpap mask of doom. My father-in-law wears one. Y’know–so he can stay alive while sleeping. If the power goes out, he is screwed.

      The scary thing is, my husband and I both know he’ll end up with one too. He’s always had huge problems with snoring. Often I can actually hear him stop breathing. Like his snoring will suddenly stop. Then he’ll let out a huge snort like he’s gasping for air.

      I keep bugging him to get himself checked for sleep apnea, but that means a one night stay in a sleep lab hooked up to electrodes. I really think if he doesn’t die from sleep apnea, the giant fake spiders will probably kill us both.

      1. I know several guys who have started using cpap machines and swear they now sleep through the night without any snoring or anything. I can’t imagine sleeping with one of those things on my face, but hey, whatever works…

      2. Me neither, Steve. I would be pulling at it or dreaming someone is trying to suffocate me in my sleep. My father-in-law says the worst is the noise his machine makes, it’s very loud. But I guess if it helps you breathe, ya gotta do what ya gotta do…

      3. Get you husband to that clinic. Now. You won’t believe how much better you *both* will feel. I’ve used a CPAP now for several years. You get used to it quickly because *you sleep so soundly that you don’t even notice it.* Never thought that would happen.

          1. Just a little hissing sound, like white noise. BTW, do you happen to snore? Fall asleep easy in the middle of the day? Exhausted? Perhaps a sleep study is in your future, too.

  4. I KNEW that baton trophy would come in handy one day. I’ve been pretty lucky in the sleep dept, but now I think I’m missing out. Peeing in the hamper sounds fun. I mean, the clothes are already dirty, right?

  5. I have wretched insomnia, and then sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, or a couple of hours early, and I just lay there. Then I’m sleepy alllll day till night time when BOING I am ready for the DAY. I have never seen spiders (thank GOD) but once I had a dream a dog was chasing me and I punched it, but then it turned out to be my husband. Whoops. He snores too, though, so I’ve been known to kick him occasionally on purpose. Just a little.

    1. Oh see, you sound like me. I’m always tired. I love to sleep, but my body won’t let me. It’s really cruel. And my husband will sleep like a log and snore so loudly it wakes me up just in time to see the tarantulas. It’s not fair.

    1. God. what is UP with that? Why? Why do we wake up every 2 hours? I’ve had nights where I wake up every 40 minutes for the first few hours. If I take two Benadryl’s I sleep soundly. Those pink pills have saved me many a time. But I have a feeling taking too many will make my liver fall out my ass. It’s a tough call. Sleep or no liver?

  6. I generally sleep pretty good, I get to sleep quickly, but then I do always tend to wake up pretty early, by 6am, even when I don’t have to which is annoying, but hey ho, I shouldn’t complain, I think not being able to get to sleep in the first place would be much much worse! I’m a fairly light sieeper though, and if I get woken up by a noise then I go into that half-awake-half-asleep state that you spoke of, where I think things are real that aren’t, but they’re not scary things like spiders, they’re generally just mundane things, I can’t think of any examples right now though!

    1. I fall asleep way too easily. I think that’s indicative of a sleep issue. I am just so freaking tired, once my eyes close, I’m out. I am also a light sleeper. While my husband could have a bullhorn blasted into his ear and he’d keep snoring. So you’ve seen things too? Hallucinations? like what? Please don’t tell me you see Brad Pitt.

      1. No, not hallucinations, just things in my mind that I think have really happened, but actually I was dreaming them, but I start talking about them as if they’re real, until I either wake up properly or go back to sleep!

  7. I have had exactly one dream where I woke myself up trying to scream: a centipede was jumping towards me. I understand. Since I started working full time in January, sleep hasn’t been a problem. I could probably sleep through a centipede tap dancing on my nose.

    Although, tonight with that image…

  8. Why spiders? What does Dr. Freud say about that? My wife falls asleep quicker that the time it takes to read this scentence. I can’t tell you how aggrivating it is. Sometimes I want to shake her and ask if she’s alseep yet, knowing full well that she is. Thankfully, once I’m out, I tend not to wake up. Don’t hate on me. Have you heard of a product called ZzzQuil? For real. It’s a non-addictive, over-the-counter sleep aid from the nice scientists who brought you Ny-Quil. Try it. It’s nice.

    1. Get out. ZzzQuil? really? Or are you just yanking my chain? No wait….I seem to remember seeing a commercial for that once….I always think of that comedian who said:

      Nyquil: the nighttime sniffling-sneezing-why-am-I-passed-out-on-the-kitchen-floor cough medicine.

      1. No, no, no! ZzzQuil is for REAL! And let me tell you something…you can’t find it! Every time I go to the local pharmacy, they’re sold out. They can’t keep it in stock. The stuff is fantastic!

        Good God. What the hell happened to me? I used to drive drunk, have unprotected sex, smoke and eat fatty foods. Now I flip out over ZzzQuil. What a terrible fall from grace. Take me back, Mr. Wizard.

  9. No I don’t see spiders. I do occasionally see dark figures, which is fun because it gets that adrenaline going that comes when you think you’re about to be murdered in your sleep. Then I up for another 2 hours.

    1. Oh sure. We could all use a healthy dose of possible sleep-murdering to get us to fully appreciate sleep. I know after I see spiders the size of small dogs, I appreciate the real-life average-sized spiders even more.

  10. I do the same thing! I’m always dreaming really vividly whenever I wake (which is a lot), and it’s jarring. Glad I miss out on spiders, though – I personally get drowning dreams.

    1. Yikes. Not good. I sometimes experience the falling ones. Where you actually feel as if you’re falling to your death. This only happens when I start to drift off though– “Oh crap! I’m falling off a tall building! Ahhh! oh no. Wait a second, I’m safe in bed. Silly me!”

  11. Spiders! Shiverrrr. When we used the upstairs bedroom, I often woke up feeling like a spider was landing on me. That room was loaded with spiders, for real. So some of it was imagined, but some was real.

    As for sleep walking, one morning I woke up with a big framed picture next to me in bed. I rolled over and my face hit the frame. It happened when I was bunking in with a friend for a few weeks. When I went to sleep, it had been on the wall. I must have taken it off the wall and put it on the bed next to me in my sleep. Also, when I needed to pee, in my dream I would be trying to find a bathroom, and was lost. I’d wake up somewhere in my room, trying to find the door to get out.

    In general I’ll sleep all night, but between lots of tossing and turning, and dreaming like a mo-fo, I’m usually pretty tired when I get up.

    1. Yes, I’ve experienced waking up to see REAL spiders before. Once there really were two of them descending from the ceiling. I had to rub my eyes several times before I realized they were real. THEN I hit Jim in the face with his pillow.

      Don’t you hate the dreams where you have to pee? I get those a lot. In my dream I’m trying to find a bathroom and of course, can’t find one. Of course, it’s because my bladder likes to interrupt my sleep with pesky things like having to go pee every few hours because I’m old and that’s what old people do.

      When I was a kid, I’d walk around the house, having full conversations with my grandparents and my parents. It would be all nonsense, babbling. Then I’d do things like take all my Barbie dolls out of their townhouse and throw them out the window. Seriously, the stuff I did. My poor parents.

  12. I guess I am not the only one going to bed at 10 pm. 😛
    I had the feeling that bugs were crawling on me before… I realized that my son’s little fingers are twitching sometimes or his thin hair touches me at night (co-sleeping…). 🙂

    1. Well, truth be told, 10 was a lie. It’s more like 9 pm.

      I know all about the co-sleeping stuff. I did it with both kids for YEARS. Why do they always manage to stick their sharp little elbow right into your lower back? It’s like, we have this huge king sized bed and they insist on sleeping on top of you.

  13. Urgh, why spiders? Grim.
    I feel for you with this post – I too have no problem falling asleep, but I’ll be awake in the middle of the night for a toilet trip (I’m only 28 – by the time I’m 40 I’ll just be resigned to lying there and wetting myself), AND, no matter what time I go to bed – could be 11pm, 1am, 4am – I will ALWAYS wake up at the time I’m supposed to go to work. Even on a weekend. A night of drinking, getting to bed at 3am, then waking up at 7am, is RUBBISH. My inner alarm refuses to let me lie in. Ever.
    But at least I’m not hallucinating spiders. 🙂

    1. That inner alarm is brutal. I have one too. No matter what day, no matter if I tell myself the night before I can sleep in–I still wake up at 6 am on the dot. Grrrr.

      And yes, I’m in my 40s and am very close to having a catheter inserted.

  14. So they’re called hypnopompic hallucinations? I get them sometimes. It can be quite jarring.

    And yeah, I hate waking up thinking, “Oh I’ve slept awhile, must be almost time to get up.” and then you see it isn’t even after midnight.

    1. I don’t know why, but that term ‘hypnopompic’ sounds so made-up to me. Like it should be the name of the latest dance craze. I had no idea there was even a name for my spider-disorder. I had no idea anyone else on the planet had experienced this until I started researching it. Good to know I’m not crazy, just cursed.

  15. Oh, my God, you just described my nights!! Complete with the sudden jolting awake from a flood of adrenaline, giant hairy spiders about to land on my face, and the bloodcurdling screams that go with all that.
    I am NOT a good person to go camping with.
    Good luck with the sleep; I find that I have a bad week, then a couple that are a bit better, then another giant spider from hell week.

    1. Say, what? You too? with the spiders? Wow. What is it with it always being spiders? I’ve read it can be caused by stress. Methinks the spiders are causing me to be stressed, but whatevs, dude.

      Good luck to you, too. I don’t have them often. Maybe once every year or so. But this year? I’ve already had two episodes. One was mild though. I woke up, saw the spider, watched it fade away ,then I rolled over and went back to sleep. Lucky for my husband.

      1. Same here; maybe twice or three times a year. For me, its that I wake up and see a HUGE spider right in front of my face. I have just enough time to think, “Oh, my God! This time its not a dream!!!!” Then I shriek to wake the dead, and that makes it fade away.
        Worst part? It often happens when I’m away from home. As in, visiting or camping or rooming with someone else.

      2. I think you’re right, it does happen when we’re out of our element. If I have to sleep on my daughter’s bedroom floor (which I’ve been doing lately) I tend to have more freaky spider dreams.

  16. My husband does this. And, hates me because I fall asleep and stay asleep for hours and hours and hours. It’s nice. Good luck–I hope you find your way back to sleepy land. And, that I never lose my ability to enjoy it here.

    1. ha! I love your line “It’s nice.” ooh! Must be nice to sleep soundly for hours and hours. Pfftt. I USED to be able to do that. I was known for sleeping 10 hour stretches back in college without waking up. Those were the days, my friend.

  17. I have never ever slept well except when I was pregnant or something I really want to watch on TV comes on after 9:00–fortunately I do not have your nightmares–but my husband sleep-eats–and it is funny–he never sleep eats vegetables or fruits, it is always something he is not supposed to have because he is diabetic!

    1. Oh man! That is terrible. I’ve heard of people sleep-eating. It’s a good thing I don’t do that. Sheesh. I’m certain I would throw aside all the frozen veggies in search of the ice cream. Do you ever catch him doing that? Or does he ever wake up in the middle of it?

  18. My husband claims that my ability to sleep is my best feature. I wake up a lot because of Crohn’s so I can fall asleep anywhere, anytime. BUT, I have an old friend who, in spite of repeated pleas on my part, calls me in the middle of the night. Can we please send her your spiders?

    1. Oh, please do sent them to her! How late does she call you? I’m afraid I am O.U.T. by 9 pm most nights. I can barely stay awake to watch TV. I can fall asleep anywhere too, sitting straight up with my eyes open.

          1. No, no death. Actually, maybe there was, I don’t really know. I refused to talk to her — she has been doing this for 30 years and I have been screaming at her to stop for just as long. She is oblivious.

  19. I usually fall asleep relatively quickly (nothing like my husband, who falls asleep before his head hits the pillow!), and once I’m asleep, I generally sleep like a rock until morning. There are some exceptions where I either slept too late in the day (rare) or took a nap (more rare), then I fall asleep but wake up like you described and lay there wide awake staring at the ceiling. It’s like my body is saying, “cumulatively, you have had enough sleep today. We’re done.”

    Oh, and then there was yesterday morning, where I woke up at 6:15 in a panic because I thought my alarm had not gone off and I was super late for getting in the shower for work. My husband was like, “what the . . . ? Sweetie, it’s Sunday. You have one more day off!” Ah, that was such a relief. I fell back asleep like a rock again.

  20. My son is sitting next to me wondering why I am cracking up as I look at my computer screen. I LOVE the pic with the hair rollers and the giant spider. My problem is that when I wake up from a spider/bug dream, there actually IS a spider or bug right on me/over me/near me. They never appear on my husband’s side! Always on me. I’ll have to try hitting my husband with my pillow to make him actually kill the bugs that are on me. 🙂

    1. Yeah, why is it these spiders only appear on OUR sides of the bed? Or hovering over OUR heads? And why is it that insects only decide to come inside to terrorize us when my husband is at work and can’t kill it for me? I swear, the second he leaves the house, a pissed-off hornet will fly into the kitchen and start dive-bombing me.

  21. I have an unable to nap disorder. I can’t nap. It stinks. I’m also unable to sleep past 7 AM…which also stinks.

    Yours is worse though. I just wanted to put something down so you wouldn’t hate me.

  22. I sleep badly, usually. I had always thought it was because I was alone with my thoughts and since my thoughts are evil, I was paying for it, but now I think it’s because I have some rare sleep disorder with a name I can’t pronounce.

    1. Yes, blame it on the hypnopompic hallucinations. I told my husband what I had and he still doesn’t believe me. Maybe I am paying for some sin in a past life? Maybe in my other life I used to kill spiders for a living?

  23. Brad Pitt and Honest Abe? Together? That’s a strong choice. Most people would pair Brad and Ryan Gosling or Abe and James Buchanan (what a babe), but not you. You mix your movie stars and historical figures, because its your world and they’re just living in it (with lots of imaginary spiders).

    1. Exactly. Even my dreams and fantasy world I can’t control. I mean Brad Pitt? Please. Abe is infinitely sexier, my fave prez (well, second in line behind Teddy “carries a big stick” Roosevelt.)

    1. True. My outrage over not sleeping never fades, it’s always the same level of intensity. Every morning I bitch to my husband about it–like he hasn’t heard this every day of his life since we’ve been married.

  24. I wake up quite over, even more so since The Girl moved away, thinking there is someone in the room standing over the bed. It’s gotten worse now in that I turn on the light or jump out of bed looking to fight the intruder. It’s freaky!

      1. For me it’s a golf club. I’m going to drive my nightmares onto the 18th green! This is Maine, so who knows what might creep into the room in the middle of the night!!!

      1. no seriously. i felt like i was being attacked. i was terrified to even go back to sleep. it was so f’n real! it’s only happened maybe 2-3 times. spiders are my true nightmare!

  25. At risk of being stoned by the crowd here, I have to say I still sleep pretty well most nights. I used to sleep like a “literal” bear. No problems. Never snored or any of those issues. I’ve recently started to snore occasionally but only when I’m on my back. I’m convinced snoring has to do with putting on some weight. But still, most nights… pretty good, other than having to pee occasionally. Kim, on the other hand……

    Sorry you are having some sleeping issues. Wine helps?

    1. Does your wife see spiders? You sound like my husband. He sleeps like a freaking log and it burns me up to no end. He could sleep through the apocalypse.

      And thank you for the wine suggestion. I would think it would help. Maybe if I just put a glass next to my bed and sip it all night long…? hmmm

  26. Oh man! That would truly suck! I DID experience dream paralysis once, and that kept me up for 2 weeks other than cat naps here and there. Talk about being cranky! Thankfully, I’ve no fear of spiders. 😉 I hope you get a FULL nights sleep soon!!

    1. Thank you! The paralysis is something that is so common with me, I’m actually kinda used to it. I will open my eyes, be paralyzed for a few minutes, see the spider on the wall, tell myself it’s not real, then I am able to move again and roll over. Last night I actually DID get a good’s night’s rest. Well, for me anyway. I only woke up twice.

  27. controversialcricket

    SPIDER!! Oh they r my biggest fear, no matter how large or small. I unlike you, can never fall asleep. I cannot seem to find a way to hit the off swith on my brain. I do not like to take sleep aids. I have tried natural vitamins, such as valerian root and melatonin and every “sleepy” tea on the market to no avail. Finally, I gave up and spend every waking our on my laptop lol.

    1. I’ve also tried melatonin. Never works. It works for my husband, of course. But for me, I will sleep solidly for a couple hours, then wake up. I’ve tried increasing the dose but still it doesn’t work for me. Now if they could market a “spiders-be-gone” pill, I’d be golden.

  28. I don’t have any sleep issues — except for not being able to fall asleep, and waking up several times during the night, and either waking up really early or struggling to get up in the morning. But aside from that, no issues.

    1. haha! Yeah, I can relate to all of that, Laura. Last night I work up ready to drink some coffee and watch the news, only to realize it was only 1:30 am. Many a time I’ve actually considered getting up at 1 am and going about my day. Screw sleeping. I’d get SO much done.

  29. When I go to sleep, I’m usually way to tired to hallucinate. (Thank you, WordPress!)
    If there were spiders in my bedroom, real or imagined, I’d probably sleep right through that – and I like them about as much as you do.

  30. Snoring Dog Studio

    Sound sleep has eluded me for decades. Ever since I discovered BBC World Service, which comes on around 11 pm and continues till past 3 am, I have had far less sleep than is healthy for me. But I’m fascinated with British voices and the tidbits of news they share. It’s my quiet time of the day. It’s the best time of the day. And then, there’s the Boston Terrier snoring. Shakes the bed at times. But I rarely dream and I almost never wake up screaming. Frankly, I think sleep is overrated and takes up too much time. However, I’m still searching for a way I can sleep at work without people knowing.

    1. Sleep is very overrated. I would be all set if only I could get by on a block of two hours a night. I’d get so much done! Plus, the kids would be sound asleep…why, maybe I’d even be able to drink my coffee in peace or put two thoughts together for a change?

      1. Snoring Dog Studio

        Exactly, girl. Give me more hours of peace and quiet, not in bed, and I’d be so darn famous and rich.

  31. cooper

    Sleep? What is that? The last time I slept more than 5 hours straight Nixon was in office. And I’m the opposite – it takes me forever to fall asleep unless it’s 3 am and i am just dragging.
    Oh – and wait until you get older – and you have to get up to pee every hour on the hour.

    1. Yes, this constant peeing at night thing is already hitting both me and my husband. We take turns shuffling to the bathroom. Once we actually met in the dark hallway around 2 am and scared the crap out of each other. Tough to go back to sleep after that.

  32. I had problem sleeping as well, although not your problems 🙂
    I went to a sleep-clinic and poef, it all went away. I can highly recommend it. The difference between 6-8 hours uninterrupted sleep vs. the interrupted sleep is AMAZING!!
    Good luck!

    1. Wow, I can only imagine how rested one must feel after 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Last night I only woke up once so that was big for me. And no phantom spiders, it was just my daughter.

  33. Hey Darla! So happy to read your posts again, so sad to hear that you’re not sleeping! You need those rainbow tigers to keep you fully charged. Your posts are always so fun for me to read. I popped in a bit these past few months and was happy to follow along from the sidelines. 🙂 As for sleeping — there’s this little device they sell on Amazon ( and all it does is put out some white noise, but it’s awesome. We have a few of them, and bring them when we travel and stay in hotels. They really work! Not sure if something like this would help, but they’re amazing. You can adjust the sound levels… but I’m not here to promote this product, I’m more here to wish you a better night’s sleep tonight, and to say hello after a long time away!

    1. YAY!!! Melissa! Oh, how I’ve missed your smiling face. Will you ever come back to blogging? Or are you just enjoying life too much? I get that. Hope all is well in your neck of the woods.

      I’ll check your link….we sleep with the fan on because both Jim and I NEED white noise to sleep. Also helps drown out the kids constantly asking me to get them water or check for monsters under their beds.

      1. Yes, it’s just like a fan — but better. 🙂 Hope it works for you! And I’m back to blogging. As of yesterday, so like, for forever now. We’ve had a busy year, what with life and all. Oh, and don’t get mad, but we moved to Seattle. I know you love it here! So do I. I can send you pictures if you need to get your northwest fix!

      2. Yay! Really? Back to blogging? Awesome! You were really missed.

        And wow, Seattle? Talk about a big move. Please send me pics whenever you can. It’s my dream to go back there again one day. I fell in love with the Northwest and miss it. I’d love to take my husband and kids out there, they’ve never been to the west coast. Hope you and the family are adjusting and settled in your new digs!

  34. I’ve had some weird dreams lately, but thankfully no spiders to frighten me and wake me up. Hope you find a cure soon and get a good night’s sleep. Nothing makes me crankier than interrupted sleep. 🙂

    My remedy, when I do wake up in the middle of the night, is to eat a banana. A friend told me that bananas actually aren’t a sleep aid. But they work for me.

    1. I hear you–I am currently at a state of low-level crankiness most days. It takes its toll. Well, on my husband. Because I tend to direct all this grumpiness toward him and the fact he sleeps great most nights.

        1. True, true. And at my age, drinking has a different effect on me now. It just makes me super cranky and wide awake all night and then hung-over by morning. I find that happy buzz feeling happens less and less. (sorry to break that to you)

          1. I recognised the symptons, I’m halfway there. I’m not as able as I think these days, I’d rather sit in with a glass of wine and flick through room decor on Pinterest

  35. Ho-ly-eff. If I was hallucinating spiders, I would be freaking out. *shudder*
    I don’t have problems sleeping (sorry) but I have been having tremendously weird dreams. Love them, but not sure where they come from.

  36. singleworkingmomswm

    Darla, that is so rough but makes for such a hilarious post!! Ha, ha….OMG! You poor thing! I don’t have much insomnia (except that I just started dating someone new, and I’m having ‘love insomnia’, lol–good times–but, I digress, lol.) I am a LIGHT sleeper, though, and it stinks! And, I have incontinent dogs that wake me up at 3:00AM to go pee and then at 4:00AM to eat breakfast, and like the totally whipped dog lover I am, I actually do feed them then. Oh, and don’t forget my kiddo waking up screaming “MOMMMMMYYYYY!” at 2:00AM only to say when I ask, “What’s the matter….what’s the matter!!??” “Oh, I just woke up. That’s all.” Ugh! Makes for a rough night all the way around. 7AM seems like midnight to me! Have you always had this, or has it just started happening? Anything you can do to make it go away??? XOXO-Kasey

    1. Ooh, I’d love some of this “love insomnia” you speak of! But the incontinent dogs you can keep.

      I laughed at your kid waking you up at 2 am to tell you she work up. Story. Of. My. Life. My six year old is a master at giving me a play by play of her night. 1 am: “mom? I just had a bad dream.” 2 am: “Mom? I just had a dream.” 3 am: “Mom? I just woke up.”
      Between my fake spiders, my husband’s snoring and her it’s no wonder I’m so damned tired.

  37. Preaching to the choir over here….ugh. I recently started exercising at night and once my unused muscles stop screaming, I sleep through the night so soundly even the chainsaw can’t be heard. Never in my life did i think that would happen!

    1. Exercising at night works?! I’ll pretend I didn’t just read that. It’s hard enough for me to exercise at all let alone when I could be sitting on the couch watching Desperate Housewives and eating ice cream.

  38. I never had trouble sleeping until “the change” (a euphemistic term for the magical time during which one goes from hot chick to pathetic, hot-flashing old broad). If you’re having all this trouble NOW, I hate to see what’s in store for you in 10 years, Darlsomniac. Maybe you should drink more?

    1. I know, I’m already a hot-flashing old broad. I really don’t have much time left before I’m wearing my housecoat all day, stuffing tissues in my bra, and yelling at the kids to get off my lawn.

  39. Just last night I had a dream that a friend posted all kinds of photos to facebook of me in compromising positions. But I was blonde and leggy.

    I say beat this with shock therapy. Sit in the bathtub and have Mr. Maineiac dump buckets of tarantulas on you. Problem solved.

      1. A client called yesterday and started the conversation with “so I dreamed a couple of weeks ago that you just had a baby. It was so real that I’ve been meaning to ask, how are you both doing?”

  40. You poor dear! I hate it when I get insomnia. I just get the garden variety kind. After two hours of tossing and turning, I usually get up and grab my iPad and do crosswords for awhile before I try to sleep again. But it does make the next day ( or should I say that day) difficult when you can’t keep your eyes open. Leave it to you, Darla, not to have the garden variety kind of anything.

  41. I haven’t slept well since 2005, so I guess that’s 8 yrs of crap sleep. No bugs involved, but I’ve spent many days living off one hour of sleep. Eight hours is a pretty myth that they try to sell you. Sleeping pills are lies, although now that I think about it, Ambien dreams do contain hallucination-like winged wildebeasts and whatnot. Your blog is very funny. I may just follow it.

  42. Le Clown

    When I don’t sleep and walk the house fighting insomnia, I see clowns everywhere. So now I cover the mirrors at night.
    Le Clown

  43. I sometimes have trouble with what my neurologist calls fractured sleep–waking up every hour or so. But mostly I get a good 5-6 hours of sleep in a night. Now. This is since my ex left me and I changed my life for the better. I spent a good (or bad) 7-8 years of my life chronically sleep deprived.

    The trick for me was removing myself from the constant stress I was under. My new guy snores–so that’s not bothering me–he also is the most calm and gentle soul I know. It’s STRESS Darla. You have to find a way of dropping all that stress… 😐

  44. hehehee…

    Spiders, eh?

    Once I dreamt about that movie from the 80’s called “V.” I went into the bathroom and ripped off my face to reveal a lizard staring back at me. How’s that for ya?

  45. RM

    I know this is well over 6 years ago but I have these. I see spiders too. Sometimes I scream, sometimes I see them on the wall, sometimes on the bed or whatever but it’s good to know I’m not alone. I’ve read about this and know about 12% of the population has this “thing” but man is it annoying. Thanks for putting it out there in a way that people can understand what we go through.

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