My dear husband will be undergoing surgery next week for carpal tunnel syndrome in his right hand. With all his nonstop fretting and whining you’d think he was getting his entire arm amputated.
He throws around words like “recuperate” and “pre-op” and “anesthesia” like I haven’t been down this road many times myself. And just because I’m such a loving, understanding wife, I make sure to let him know this every chance I get.
Him: “Oh man, my surgery’s next week! I’m getting so nervous!”
Me (aka Loving Wife): “Oh? As nervous as I was when I had an entire human being ripped out of my abdomen, leaving me with 8 inches of stiches and staples?”
Him: “I wonder how long I’ll have to rest afterward. I think I’ll just have to lay around and watch movies for a few days, maybe a week. Y’know, take it easy.”
Me: “Oh yeah! Take it easy. Just like I did that day I almost passed out from the pain of having my stomach ripped open and my pelvis set on fire, yet I still had to get up to breastfeed every 2 hours and change diapers in between throwing up and wishing I was dead?”
Him: “Damn, sometimes when I try to do things with my hand it starts to ache a little.”
Me: “Oh, does it ache as much as the pain I felt when I was recovering from major surgery and breastfed nonstop even though it felt like shards of glass were being slowly dragged through my nipples? Or does it ache like the time I was in back labor over 24 hours and it felt like my lower vertebrae were being pulverized into shards then yanked out through my nostrils?”
Him: “Uh….neither?”
Me: “Thaaaaat’s right.”
****
I’m just kidding. I really didn’t say these things to him.
But I’m thinking them and he knows it by the look on my face.
(we communicate telepathically)
To his credit, he did undergo a vasectomy. Y’know, where they clamp a man’s nether regions into a metal vice then do the ol’ slice-n-dice. (I cringe just typing that sentence out)
So I guess we’re even?
Nah.
****
NOTE TO READERS:
- You might not hear from me next week as I’ll be busy tending to my husband’s every beck and call. Wish me luck that I don’t go out to buy milk and never come back. (I’m kidding! I don’t drink milk.)
- School is starting up again soon for both my kids and me (heading back to college).
My posting schedule (ha!) will be reduced during this fall semester to only Sundays.
I think I’ll call it, Sundays with Maineiac.
Y’know…like Tuesdays with Morrie only not on Tuesdays and I’m not a dying old man imparting wisdom in any way, shape or form. - Stay tuned for my September blogger of the month, Charles from Mostly Bright Ideas! I think I can convince him to write my posts for me from now on until I graduate, right?
She's A Maineiac 
I’m not even married and I can feel your pain. Whenever my brothers complain about feeling sick, I give ’em a run down of period pains.
Hell yeah.
If my husband had to experience the horrible pain of a monthly period just ONCE, he’d curl up onto the floor in a fetal position and weep like a baby.
Any man would.
My little brother is the biggest baby, hypochondriac I know. My husband however is a multi kidney stone survivor. I know when he starts complaining of pain we are in BIG trouble! LOL
Ooh, yeah…see, I forgot my husband has also endured kidney stones. I had to take him to the ER the pain was so bad. So I guess we really are even (but I won’t tell him that)
Just make sure you ask him how he feels about you remarrying if things don’t go well. Because you never know.
Oops. That isn’t the right video. I meant the one where Worm tail’s new hand strangles him. My comment would have been hilarious in the right context
I’ve no doubt it would have been. Still, I really enjoyed watching the link you put up. I’ve never seen any of the Harry Potter movies before.
Never? I’m a Harry Potter nut. I love the books and like the movies a whole lot (the first three are very true to the books, the rest added unnecessary special effects.
You will soon be reading them with your kids!
I know, I really should give those books a chance. I’ve never read a single one. My son is more into the Hunger Games trilogy right now. I can’t wait to get my daughter to read the Little House books. Guess I’m more prairie than Hogwarts?
The funny thing is, I find the HP books incredibly comforting. I reread them when I am depressed, particularly when I’m missing various dead folks. In the books, lots of people have died, but people talk about them (and in a few instances the dead come back to help Harry). It is a great comfort to me, because in our society, the dead die and get buried and you’re allowed to feel sad and talk about them for 7.5 days before everybody rolls their eyes and thinks you need to get over it. I like the HP way better.
I will definitely check a Harry Potter book out at the library later this week. I agree about our society’s view of death as taboo. Such a shame. Death and life are all connected and should be respected and talked about more.(I talk to dead people all the time)
That’s just what you need at the start of school. 7 volumes!!!! But they are wonderful. I suggest you wait two years to read the next on. I had to. What, do you think you’re special?!?
I know, I was thinking the same thing. Sure, I’ll read all the Harry Potter books in between my textbooks and my backlog of Stephen King books on my kindle. Sigh. If only I could give up sleep entirely, I’d have loads of time to read!
I think we all married the same man. Does that make us sister wives? Cool.
We should pitch this idea to some producers on TLC for a reality show.
That is the most frightening picture of a baby I’ve ever seen. I hope that’s not the one you had ripped out of your abdomen.
I made the mistake of googling “man-baby” images and this was the first one that popped up.
I cannot get over that man-baby pic. Sundays with Maineiac, I like it way better than menopause Mondays or chin whisker Wednesdays. Good luck this semester.
Well, I hate to break it to you, but there will still be loads of menopause/chin whiskers stories in the near future. Thanks for the luck, I’ll need it this year. What with my classes starting next week and having a giant baby-man at home to take care of and all.
*Pooooorrrrr Baby* My sister in law had carpel tunnel surgery on one hand and then weeks later on the other. All the while, she was a single mother to 2 young children. She did everything with next to no help (other than having daycare for the girls). So give your husband 24 hours of being waited on, and then tell him to wear pull up type pants so you won’t have to help him with that all the time. And, just in case, make sure you have a puke bag for the drive home (have the hospital give you a few).
Ah, school’s starting up again. I hope this year goes quickly for you. I’m sort of dreading this upcoming year for Little Man, and yet, I’m sort of optimistic, too.
Yikes, I won’t tell him about the puke bag as he has a serious aversion to vomiting, it really freaks him out. I don’t think he’s thrown up since 1985. I will take your advice and wait on him a day or two. I do feel bad for the big lug.
My kids start school in two days, my son is in fifth grade, his last year at elementary school. They have a big overnight trip in a few weeks at a camp on a lake with his class and he’s never spent one night away from home before so this should be interesting. Hope your Little Man adjusts to the school year.
Little Man is in fifth grade this year, too. His school goes through sixth grade. They do a class trip to a camp for a week, but not until I think May of that year. Here’s to a good year for all!!
Men really are babies when it comes to pain, especially if it’s the man-baby you have in that picture up there. Good luck during the next week!
I thank you. Yes, it’s amazing the amount and levels of pain most women go through and yet we never complain. (much)
Darla – I am a guy and I am the biggest whimp. I admit it. When I am sick – it’s the end of the world. I don’t like to get sick (or maimed) but when I do, it sucks – I just hide. You women can’t do that (hide that is). You get sick but you just keep going taking care of everyone else. I do know it is a very good policy to keep my mouth shut. Good luck going back to school. I will look forward to your Sunday posts.
You are a very smart man, Clay. It’s true, a cold will totally sideline my husband. Even a few sniffles and he starts groaning and whining. Of course, I always remind him I took care of two small children while recovering from major abdominal surgery.
Whenever my husband gets allergies for twelve hours, he’s all “Cancel ALL the plans, for I am dying and cannot handle the stress of watching the baby while you run to the grocery store for fifteen minutes.” Loads of fun. Please send your husband my husband’s condolences.
haha! Yes. “cancel all plans, for I am dying”. I really wonder what is going through a man’s mind when they get even slightly sick. “this is it, death is near!” I mean, puh-lease. Suck it up, man!
Men. How the human race made it this far is beyond me.
Loved this post!!
I know. It’s all because of us women. We carry these big babies on our backs and get on with life.
Good luck with…well, pretty much all of that. *grin*
I’m thinking I might have to hire a 24 hour on-call nurse to help me.
As long as she’s not “stripper nurse.”
Duly noted.
Hmmmm… you have pulled the infamous “child bearing card” as you may remember from this: http://brownroadchronicles.com/2012/06/02/the-child-bearing-card/ I will stand until the very end and defend the toughness of my fellow man-folk. I will defend this until death from hangnail, splinter or sinus infection. Because there are some tough-ass guys out there including your vasectomized husband. On that note, any bro that’s whining about getting a vasectomy should man the fuck up because it’s not that bad. What would be more painful? An unexpected baby, long after the others have grown up!
Oh yeah! I remember that post! Good one!
None of it is actually true. But nice try, Steve.
Although there ARE some pretty tough men out there, most of them crumble when they catch a common cold.
And it’s not just pushing a baby through our vaginas, its everything else that came before that…the agonizing nine months of being pregnant, the agonizing years of having a torturous period every single month…the agonizing months spent breastfeeding even though your boobs feel like they are on fire and/or will explode at any moment. These are the things we deal with almost every day.
Thus, men are big babies. (unless you’ve had kidney stones, ’cause that’s worse than childbirth)
The line that gets me every time is when my husband says, “I don’t think you can appreciate the pain I am experiencing”. Really? I am in pain 24/7 with my RA!! He usually puts his tail between his legs once he realizes what he’s said but then forgets and says it again the next time!! The fact that the surgery is on your husband’s right hand kinda stinks! I’ve had it and you really can’t do much! Sorry for you. 🙂
Oh, you’ve definitely got him there. RA is awful pain. My older brother has it and he struggles just to walk up a few stairs most days. I’m sorry you deal with that.
And you’re right, having surgery on his dominant hand really sucks. So you had this surgery before? How long did it take for you to recover? I’ll just take your recovery time and multiply it by 100 to get my husband’s.
Sorry about your brother dealing with RA. It’s not fun, but you gotta keep laughing to get through the days, right?
I’ve had both wrists and thumbs done for the RA (why I’m still able to type) and of course my right wrist was the toughest since I am right-handed. I don’t remember how long the recovery was but let’s just say it’s longer than one expects. At least it was for me. You get really good at using your other hand. I could write pretty well with my left by the end. It won’t be fun for him to become so dependent on you and vice versa, but it will pass. And you will soon forget the whole thing happened – or is it my dementia that is helping me forget? Good luck to him and to you, just keep laughing, Darla! 🙂
Thanks for letting me know your experience. You’ve been through enough!
It will be hard for him as he really is a very active guy. The silver lining here is his workplace has decided to shift him to an office position with better pay because his boss knows he won’t be able to do his regular position anymore (he was setting up respiratory equipment for hospice patients) He’ll be answering phones and stuff but I’m sure not much typing or computer due to his hand not operating.
That’s wonderful about his office position! They must really value him as an employee! 🙂
I know, it’s a huge relief to him. He’s lucky they like him so much.
I had surgery only once in my life. Three years ago I had my gall bladder out – it was a simple outpatient surgery. The best part was that the doctor said i shouldn’t do any housework for a few weeks. That WAS the best part, until my husband tried to vacuum. He said it was too exhausting – after one room.
ha! So typical. It’s like when my husband has to watch the kids and take care of the housework for a few HOURS. I’ll return home and he’s got this look on his face like he’s been through a war. He’s actually said to me before he’d prefer working at his job any day because at least then he gets breaks.
Oh, yeah, if men had to have babies our species would cease to exist. They couldn’t even make it through a single menstrual period. OMG I AM DYING THE CRAMPS! Ha.
Just once I would love to see my husband suffer with a period and cramps. He’d probably drive himself to the ER.
Best wishes that your little girly-man’s surgery is nowhere near as painful as passing a watermelon through a hold the size of a prune, then feeding and caring for said watermelon for the next 18 years, while struggling with that whole glass-in-the-nipples business. Best wishes to all the Darlinskis going back to school! Do you have a new Welcome Back Kotter lunchbox?
Oh! If only I could get my hands on a Welcome Back Kotter lunch box and thermos! All I have is my ratty Scooby Doo Mystery Van lunch box leftover from my daughter’s kindergarten days. Think the other kids will make fun of me?
If they do, just let me know and I’ll go all Sluggo on their Mr. Bill!
Have a great week (and hope all goes great for the hubby – surgery is no fun, even if it IS a walk in the park compared to childbirth.)
Your husband and I can be surgery buddies! Tell him to milk it for everything he can get, I mean, hang in there. I am sure he won’t be too demanding.
Oh, he will definitely be milking this one for weeks, if not months. He’s ALREADY complaining and they haven’t even touched his hand yet! I am sooooooooo screwed, Susie.
by the way, I told him all about your surgeries in hopes he’ll finally get it that this is nothing.
You can always run while you are not buying milk but orange juice – or coffee 😉
That brings up a good idea. I’ll just tell him I’m going for a walk, then I’ll just run away as far as my little feet will carry me.
Have you run out of cars? 😉
From now on I wish every day was Sunday 🙂 Good luck and I’m sure he’ll man up after it’s all done especially since you are communicating telepathically!
I already have an arsenal of appropriate disgusted and annoyed glares built up for his recovery period.
I can relate with your husband. I also whine like a baby when I get a sliver in my finger.
My husband stubbed his toe last month and he’s still telling me about it.
I feel so bad for him. It must be so hard to have to work and have the stubbed toe.
My husband will be having the same surgery–but this is Canada so it may mean he will have it in 2018–we wait a long time up here for surgery sometimes–so keep me up on what happens so I will know how to treat my man baby–good luck–and I mean this sincerely–whatever happens to a man happens hundred times more than if the same thing happens to a woman–or, or,…..(yes I meant to type that twice) he will go diving the next day, like my husband did after having hernia surgery–they go from being “real men” (which means they may do stupid things) to men babies
Ugh, that’s terrible you have to wait so long for your husband’s surgery! Just means more time he’ll have to fret and worry and drive you insane.
Hernia surgery sounds terrible, my younger brother is getting that done next month and he basically put it off for an eternity. Reminds me of the Friends episode where Joey has a bad hernia and just keeps putting his hand on it to push it back in. haha!
I am not sure it will really be that long, I was taking a little medical licence with my projection–herina surgery for my husband was not all that bad–he had two–and it is just the first day that is painful and the hospital he was at made them get moving pretty quickly–they would not bring their food to their rooms–they had to walk to the cafeteria to eat–it was a private hospital and a very good one–maybe your brother should come to Shoudice in TO–the wait is not crazy because it is private
That is good to know about his hernia surgery. I’ll tell my brother as he is really scared about it (he’s never undergone any medical procedure or surgery before)
it almost a piece of cake–seriously my husband went diving within a few days!
I would pay to see a man give birth.
Amen!! Best comment ever. We could film it and it’d be the best horror movie ever made.
LOL!
Sundays with Maineiac has a great ring to it 🙂
Hubbs had hernia surgery. He recovered but boy oh boy was there ever a lot of moaning and groaning … MJ
Was the moaning and groaning from you or him? ’cause I have a feeling I will be groaning plenty during my husband’s recovery period.
ha! Maybe a little of both, but mostly from him 🙂
I feel for you already. I would suggest printing out some graphic birth photos and placing them on cardboard. No words will need to be exchanged “honey, do you think you can take the kids out so it’s nice and quiet for me to rest?” Slowly walk past with a large head peeking out of a va jay jay and that should keep him quiet for a few hours.
All kidding aside….best of luck for a successful, minimal pain procedure along with a smooth transition back to school for everyone.
hahaha!! Oh my god. Genius idea. I do have very vivid photos of my C-sections. One of them has most of my insides splayed outside of my abdomen. That should do the trick.
Thanks, Life. I really hope this month of September doesn’t send me completely over the edge finally.
Nice that he married such a kind, understanding, sympathetic wife. Don’t you know that ALL men are Big Man-Babies? It’s a fact! You think you’re so special having a baby. Like it’s never been done before. Chris Rock said it best: “Even cockroaches have babies.”
ha! God, I love me some Chris Rock. One of the best. I’ll give him the cockroach joke.
Ya know, that was supposed to be funny but now that I’ve reread it, it’s not that nice. It’s kind of insulting. All apologies. I’m no Chris Rock.
I thought it was funny. I’m sure my husband would too.
Poor husband definitely translates into POOR YOU! Yikes. May you survive his surgery. May you live to blog about it. And good luck with school starting!
Hugs from Ecuador,
Kathy
yeah, poor me! It’s all about me, isn’t it, Kathy? If my husband would just realize this fact, things would go a whole lot smoother for me.
Thanks, I need all the luck I can get this semester. Wish I could fast forward through until I graduate next spring…
“Y’know…like Tuesdays with Morrie only not on Tuesdays and I’m not a dying old man imparting wisdom in any way, shape or form.”
HA! I hope all goes well with his surgery, but don’t you ever let him forgot where you’ve been.
JD, he is freaking out today, it’s on Thursday and I just want it over with. He’s never had ‘surgery’ before (other than kidney stone blasting and vasectomy) I can understand his fear but I do remind him I’ve been through much worse.
Too funny. That picture is terrifying, BTW (the man-baby one). Just think, while he’s recuperating you can tell him all those things you’re thinking and he won’t be able to do anything about it. Unless he actually gets up and moves away from you.
Good point. I might have to start to feel sorry for him now. Okay, I suppose I can help him recuperate now. sigh, a woman’s job is never done.
Men feel things differently, you know they feel your pain….no they don’t. They feel their own pain ten times as much as it actually exists on any scale. In fact if the medical community offered morphine for splinters all men would stand in line.
Hope all goes well with his surgery. Do not wait on him hand and foot, he will expect it in the future for stubbed toes.
I do wonder if there’s any medical proof men feel pain on a higher level than women? I think women are definitely capable of feeling all kinds of low-level pain for longer periods of time (I know I am in pain almost every day due to my back pain)
I will take your advice and only help him out if he really needs it. I have a feeling he’s going to be completely helpless for a few days, though.
I never complain about pain to my wife – the labor pains of over 20 years ago are still too fresh in her mind.
You are a very smart man. I think my husband needs a refresher. I’ll start reminding him of my labor pains as soon as he gets home from work today. I use actual words this time, not just mental telepathy.
“Sundays with Maineaic” sounds delightful!
Oh, and it will be, for sure, Nicole.
Did I tell you how much I’m looking forward to your interview for my blogger of the month? It’s all I’m living for now that I’m facing playing nurse to my husband 24/7.
Me?? Will there be coffee mugs and laughter? Will I have to do my own hair? I warn you now, I am terrible at hair.
When I nurse my husband, I always give him Benedryl. Just a tip.
Oh yeah! There will be plaid….coffee mugs….laughter…a cackle or two….
And I would be happy to do your hair! course all I do with my hair is roll out of bed and half-heartedly pat it down into a semi-frazzled state.
Thanks for the little pink pill tip, you’ve saved me.
Right! You’ve felt worse before, so he doesn’t hurt at all!
Well, now…when you put it that way….
yes. Damn straight. (hey, a woman’s logic doesn’t have to be logical, does it?)
Not on a humor blog.
Thanks for the heads up about Maineiac Sundays. I can unwind by reading your blog while my guy watches football.
As for your man baby, good luck with that. I remember watching my brother cringe when he got his toe nails clipped. So, I’m sure your husband will try to illicit MAXIMUM empathy from you.
I am thrilled you’ll have something to do while football is on, TV Anka. But now I realize I love to watch football so maybe picking Sundays wasn’t such a good idea for me.
You know, my dog Reggie never complains. Just something to think about.
Looking forward to Sundays!
Oh I’ve thought about it many times. Sigh. My husband wanted a dog, I wanted a baby. Now I’d like to get a dog again. maybe two or three…
But he….I mean we men….there was that one time….yeah, and that really hurt and stuff.
Damn. you’re right.
OK, I may get drummed out of the sisterhood for revealing this, but to tell the truth, gall bladder attacks are WAY more painful than childbirth. Maybe it’s all in my head, though, because the one painful process leaves you with a precious baby to love for always, and the other leaves you with some gallstones. Mine weren’t all that cute.
But did you get to name them, Peg? Jim named all three of his kidney stones. You are right, there are worse things than childbirth, gallbladder attacks for one. I’ve known women who have passed kidney stones and have sworn to me it’s much worse than childbirth. (I’m not telling Jim this info though…)
ha! Y’know, I have to admit, as much as I love it when my husband says the words “Damn, you’re right” to me, it never gets old.
Darla, didn’t you get the memo that motherhood is bliss every single second of every single day? After my human-ripped-from-body surgery when I was bleeding profusely and in immense pain, I remember someone asking if I “just loved every minute of it.”
Um…..yes?
Oh god yeah! Just like I loved every minute of pregnancy! I loved it when my nipples were on fire then my boobs exploded! Good times, man.
Put my baby on the bottle as soon as possible—Noted.
I hope your husband has a swift staple-free recovery!
Haha! At first I thought you were referring to Jim and I should put HIM on a bottle as soon as possible. I could see your advice working for both him and your baby.
Don’t worry though, I was the rare person who had extreme difficulty breastfeeding, most women don’t at all. I stuck with it anyway for six months and it did get easier as the months went on, I swear.
Darla! You find the absolute best photos to go with your posts. Remember that one of Paula Dean with the crazy-eyes? I don’t know where you found the ones in this man-baby post, but they are perfect. And I have so been where you are! It’s hard to have sympathy for any sort of surgery or illness when you’ve been through things like we, and a lot of mothers, have. 🙂 But of course I know you’ll be right there beside your hubby tending to his every need. As you tend to your kids. And tend to your schooling. And tend to this blog so we all can ride the crazy rollercoaster of life along with you — just on Sundays, of course. Best of luck with your new fall schedule!
Oh god yeah, I remember the Paula Deen Crazy Eyes picture! Classic. I thank you for noticing how much time and effort I put into using photos from the internet. It’s exhausting finding the right one. The writing of the post is the EASY part. I spent five minutes writing it and about 2 hours searching for man-baby pics.
And you’re right, of course I’ll be babying my dear poor sad hubby through all of it. I am a woman after all.
Thanks, Melissa.
So I just tried to share your Gamer post with my husband, who loves games, but all he wanted to do was look at the pictures! I kept trying to get him to read your words but he just shouted at me, “Scroll! Scroll! Oh yeah, I remember that.”
Thought you should know all your photo-searching went to a good cause.
Excellent post, though after reading it I found myself losing all will to have children and instead, seriously considering having my tubes tied or going home tonight to discuss vasectomies with my partner. Or both. Just to be sure.
Good luck to your husband, here’a hoping he recovers quickly, and above all quietly, from what sounds like the man flu of surgeries.
Well, it might help you to know that in fact most of my friends and relatives who went though childbirth had super easy labors and deliveries in comparison. One of them told me her entire labor was only a few hours, she got an epidural right away, and out popped the baby. So have no fear, I am known for doing everything in life the hard way.
That being said, you’d better believe my husband I and did everything we could to be done having kids, I got a hysterectomy and he got a vasectomy. I think the only thing left to do would be to never have sex again — which, really, is something that comes naturally once you have the kids.
No more sex?! That’s decided then. No kids.
What is it with the XY chromosome pairing that makes them so very dainty?? Mr. Weebles is the only man I’ve ever met who DOESN’T whine like a little bitch when he’s got a headache or whatever. God speed, lady—I’ll be praying that you don’t murder the poor dear. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll have bail money ready for you.
Well, men do have more pain receptors than women, so…
How well I can identify having just gone through the hernia surgery with my husband. I will keep a good thought for you, as I know you will be taking good care of him.
If I see your face ON a milk carton, I will scour the far ends of the earth to find you and bring you back to your blog audience. Hope hubby heals quickly and you are not too stressed by all that’s on your plate. Take care, Darla.
I hope my boyfriend never needs surgery, because I know he’d be the exact same way. He gets fussy just from his feet hurting. I’m dating a male diva.