Firsts and Lasts with Steve from The Brown Road Chronicles

How often do you come across a blogger who not only is a fantastic storyteller but sings and plays a mean guitar?

farmerSteve’s blog, Brown Road Chronicles, is about country living, old houses, dirt roads, raising kids and a couple lively goats named Holly and Ella.

I adore his writing style, which was highlighted on Freshly Pressed with the fantastic post, Old Barn Coat.  He also writes funny children’s poems, song lyrics and occasionally rants about WordPress and BOOBs. And he recently created a super hot all-male blogger calendar you must check out. It’s all good clean fun.

Before you enjoy his interview, take a listen to one of his songs, Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Bloggers — the man needs a recording contract!

Now let’s delve into what makes him tick. Please, give a warm welcome to

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Steve from The Brown Road Chronicles

FIRST:

Blog Post:

Diary of a Flat Tire: How I got to Keep my Man Card for Another Day

This was a funny story that happened to me back in September 2009. I didn’t have a blog at the time but I wanted to remember the situation so I wrote it down. It eventually became the first post on my blog. I didn’t write again until almost a year later in August of 2010, when Brown Road Chronicles was really born and my normal, stable life pretty much ended.

Kiss:

My dog Tiger used to kiss me a lot. Ohhhh… wait… you mean, like a real kiss? I believe it was my high school girlfriend, I don’t remember anything before that unless I’ve just forgotten. I’ve only had two really serious women in my life, my high school girlfriend and my awesome wife Kim who I met in college. Well… there was this totally smokin’ hot girl in like first grade, named Brandy, that I used to really like. But I don’t think I ever got to kiss her. She probably didn’t even know who I was. She’s probably a stripper now.

Love:

Brandy from first grade who’s probably a stripper now. Seriously though, who really knows what love is? Insert Foreigner voice: “I wanna know what love is… I want you to show me!” I honestly believe there is only one person for each of us. I’ve found mine.

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Childhood Memory:

I remember fighting my way out of my Mom’s vagina through all this blood and gore, thinking “oh my god, what the fuck is going on here?!?” Then this guy all dressed in white grabs me and wipes me off and I’m like “dudes, what the hell just happened? I think I need a beer!”

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Moment I met my significant other:

Kim and I met at a Toga Party at Colby College in Waterville, Maine. It was very romantic and sophisticated and Greek.

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You can read about it here:
How I Met Your Mother

Possession I would take if my house were on fire:

Seriously, if your house is on fire are you going to stand there for even a few seconds and think about what the hell to take out of there? Dude, get out of the house! Everyone always says they would grab photos. Honestly though, I would have one thing on my mind, getting my family first, then pets if possible, to a safe place. I probably wouldn’t even think about what else to grab.

Job I had:

Other than mowing my neighbor’s lawn, the first real job I had was working for a guy that owned a landscaping business and operated out of my neighborhood where I grew up on Long Island. We cut grass and did landscaping for commercial and residential accounts. I started working for him after my senior year of high school, then during the summers while in college. It was very hard work, but was a good gig. He often paid us in cash, we got sweet tans and could let our hair grow long and we could swear and naively believe that all the chicks thought we were the hottest, shirtless guys in the world, even though we had long hair and smelled like gasoline and rotten grass. Sometimes I miss those days!

Time I got pulled over by a cop:

When we first moved to Michigan, when I was about 24, I got pulled over on the college campus I was working nearby going about 40 in a 25. I’m thinking, “Seriously, don’t you have anything better to do, like arrest some drunken college students that are lighting their couch on fire?” She gave me a ticket for 10 over. I ended up getting to know her pretty well over the years and always wondered if she remembered writing that ticket.

Thing I think God will say to me at the pearly gates:

I don’t believe in God and all that afterlife stuff. Sorry, I guess you’d call me an Atheist, even though that term has wrongly become synonymous with “Evil, Satan Worshipping, Goat Sacrificing Heathen”. But really, if you don’t believe in God you certainly don’t believe in Satan and y’all know I’d never sacrifice one of my goats!

I believe when I die I will either become ashes or be put into a hole in the ground. That’s all folks! Although these days, cremation seems to be the trending way to dispose of oneself, I think I want a gravestone, so that little kids can do crayon rubbings on it and wonder what was so special about the “Author of The Brown Road Chronicles.”

Slide1

LAST:

Blog Post:

Well chances are it will be my Song “The Grass is Always Greener” because I haven’t written anything in weeks. But really how the hell should I know? You see, Darla made me send her these answers in advance… something about “needing time to do a whole bunch of PowerPoint slides where I poke fun at you” and “if you don’t get your answers to me in a timely fashion I am going to send Kathy Bates to break your legs.”

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Thing I cooked:

Chicken on the grill. So, here’s a question… when you go out to your grill and pick up that brush scraper tool that we all have and start scraping and brushing all that old crap of the grates of the grill… do you ever think that’s what a Dental Hygienist feels like? Sometimes I stare down at the grill and scold and denigrate it for not flossing enough.

Movie I saw:

I don’t really remember but there were a lot of XXX’s and Oh, Oh, Oh’s in it. Must have had something to do with football.

Song I listened to:

Probably a Jackson Browne song, he’s my favorite artist. Even though I enjoy his quieter, more reflective songs, lately I have been listening to “Boulevard” a lot. I’m in sales, so I’m in my car a lot. When I find myself getting sleepy while driving, I’ll put that song on at full volume so the speakers shake. One of the greatest (yet most under-recognized) guitar riffs to begin a rock song!

Slide1

Book I read:

Oh shit, now I have to admit how infrequently I actually read books. The last book I read was The Hunger Games, which honestly was a pretty good book. My family told me I needed to read it before the film came out. So I voraciously devoured it like an Honors English Student cramming down some “To Kill a Mockingbird” or “Catcher in the Rye” for a mid-term. Not that I’m comparing it to those books, to all you literary snobs that were thinking of reprimanding me in the comments. I think the last book I read before Hunger Games was “Brown Bear, Brown Bear.”

Reality TV show I watched:

I don’t really watch TV much. Is The Voice considered a reality TV show. Yes? Then I guess that’s my answer. I like The Voice because the talent is really good, but definitely not because I have a total man-crush on Adam Levine with his dreamy fitted t-shirts and beard stubble.

Slide1

Person I kissed:

Myself, as I was taking “selfies” to post on Instagram. Just kidding I don’t really have an Instagram.

Time I cried:

Probably at the last movie I saw, or the last song I heard, or the last magazine article I read, or the last TV show I watched or the last time I cooked a hot dog in the microwave and it exploded or… Seriously, I cry all the time. I’m not sure when my Testosterone levels starting losing the battle to my Estrogen levels. I used to be pretty good at holding it in, but then somewhere around the time I had kids, something changed and now it doesn’t take much to get me going. In fact, I’m crying right now writing these answers.

Time I laughed hysterically:

Answering these questions…

Time I told a little white lie:

Answering these questions…

Time I did something really scary:

Sitting in the passenger seat of a car with my 15-year-old daughter driving?!?

Honestly though, I can’t really pinpoint anything really scary that I’ve done. I’m not much of a risk taker in that there’s no freakin’ way I’ll ever jump out of an airplane or anything like that. I’ve learned to tolerate some amusement park rides, but really don’t get that thrill high that so many people get. Starting a new self-employment career a couple of years ago and taking somewhere in the neighborhood of a 95% pay cut was pretty scary. In fact, it’s still pretty scary. In fact, I’m thinking about putting a donation link on my website.

Time I swore like a sailor:

I prefer to think that I swear like a trucker, but whatever…

I wrote a funny post a long time ago (pre-Freshly-Pressed fame) about not getting Freshly Pressed because of having some swear words in my posts. Here it is:
Getting Fu…Fu…Freshly Pressed

Embarrassing moment:

A few years back at a New Year’s party there was a little bit of drinking going on and then a bunch of shots of Crown Royal, then me and this other dude at the party started mooning people and these days it’s like “what the hell, you can’t even pull your pants down at a party anymore without everyone taking pictures.” Then I got sick in my wife’s van on the ride home with my son in the back seat taking notes. Not my finest moment!

Good deed I did:

I know, I know… you’ve read this whole thing and you’re like “wow, this guy is a total asshole, there’s no way he’s out there doing good deeds.” But honestly, it’s all just a ruse. You see, I’m actually a really compassionate guy. I’m a Boy Scout leader and I volunteer occasionally at my kid’s schools, when my wife signs me up and forces me to. I’m actually relatively well-respected in my community. So, if any of you let any of this shit get out, I’ll have Darla send Kathy Bates to your place to break your legs. ‘Cause Darla and I are tight. [editor’s note: true dat]

Indulgence:

Wine! Welcome to my wine cellar. Here’s the Red box, there’s the White box. Mix them together for pink. Plastic cups are in the pantry.

Thank you all for reading. Please visit me at Brown Road Chronicles. It’s a lot of fun there!

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Up next November’s blogger of the month: Nicole from The Middlest Sister.

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57 thoughts on “Firsts and Lasts with Steve from The Brown Road Chronicles

  1. I wanted to comment on Darla’s awesome pictures (especially the baby and the bunny suit), but now I can’t get over the fact that *both* Jackson Browne *and* Adam Levine made appearances. Fabulously entertaining answers from a fabulously entertaining subject.

      1. On a recent Goodwill trip, I picked up what I thought was an obscure JB cd, but it turned out to be a discard from a radio station — a single cut of a Christmas-ish song. I’ll see if I can convert it to a sound file to send to you!

  2. Pingback: Firsts and Lasts at She’s a Maineiac | The Brown Road Chronicles

  3. High five, heathen! Love means never having to say you’re sorry for being a blogger. At least that’s what this half naked man told me in between shots of Crown Royal.

    Darla, you’ve outdone yourself here. And not just because you gave me another opportunity to ogle Adam Levine.

    1. Wow, were you at that party?!? Or were you at a different party where people were pulling their pants down? So, what do you think of Adam Levine’s new beard? Not that I’ve been watching The Voice or anything…

  4. Admit it, Darla. You started this entire series just so you could con other bloggers into coming up with images and topics for you to create mocking power point pictures of. Right? I’m onto your game! At least I never have to worry about that. Besides, I have no face, so what would you put in a pink bunny suit, huh? Huh? Exactly.

    Oh right, we are supposed to be talking about Steve. Funny stuff. Funny guy. I’m already a fan. Carry on . . .

    And . . . between your boxed wine collection and my floor filled with liquor, we could have one hell of a bash. Let’s make this thing happen! It can be a blogger toga party. 😉

      1. Hmmm, ok yes. I see what you can do. But I think it loses something without the pink bunny ears on his feet. Besides, are your trying to say that Steve wears women’s shoes? Because that would be an entirely different kind of party.

  5. I remember as a youth thinking about what I’d grab if the house was on fire. Then the house caught on fire and my two thoughts were “What’s the number for 911 again?” and “Time to go!”

  6. That song was epic. I hate people like Steve who are good guys and talented and stuff. I just hate ’em! Except for you, Steve. I like you. And you too Darla. You’re both the bees knees.

  7. Why have I never heard of Steve and his Brown Road Chronicles? I need to get out more, obviously. I tend to dislike Adam Levine, and Jackson Browne a lot, but you had me at “Famed Author of BOOBS.”

    1. Yeah, I am trying not to hold his love of Jackson Browne against him. Not a big fan. Not a small fan. “running on….runnin’ on empty….runnin’ on…..stick a fork in my eye…”

      (oh-hey, Steve! didn’t see you there! what I meant to say….was…uh…that I love you more than I hate Jackson! yeah!)

  8. As long as there’s no goat sacrificing, you’re not a butthole. And if you’ve never had your car up over 100mph at 2am while driving past the Holiday Star Theatre in northwest Indiana, you really AREN’T very exciting, are ya? 😉 (Um … you realise that was just a random example I came up with, not an ACTUAL experience of mine, right? Just like I never rode the Chicago EL train through a REALLY bad neighborhood with Mr. Spock’s head under my arm. 😯 ) Then again, you’ve had kids. By comparison, that airplane door is starting to look REAL good to me right now….. 😀

    1. Nope, no goat sacrificing. I’ve never had a car over 100 mph. I have ridden trains (and driven) through some pretty scary neighborhoods but it never involved anyone or anything called Mr. Spock. Yeah, I guess I’m pretty boring. And NO, I don’t believe you that you didn’t drive your car over 100 mph past the Holiday Star Theatre! 🙂

      1. So you don’t NOT believe I did it? You don’t believe I didn’t do it? Wait, wait, let me work this out …. ok, 2 wrongs don’t make a right, but 3 rights make a left …. carry the one, except in February which has 28 …. AAAUUGGHH! My brain hurts!! 😀

  9. Totally loved “Mamas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Bloggers”. I love playing around with words like that…and I’m right there with him on The Voice, though I’m perfectly okay with being in the middle of an Adam/Blake sandwich.

  10. Darla, I don’t think you will get the big bucks from the tabloids for this expose. You discovered a singing boy. Scout leader who loves his wife!!!! I mean, where’s the dirt? Where’s the intrigue? Where do I sign up?

    A new blogger with whom to waste time. Thanks a whole lot. Seriously. Especially for that song!

    1. I know, I am really losing my interviewing skillz, Elyse. I do recall your interview was full of dirt and juicy gossip. I think my next interview I should ask the tough questions, like “If you were a tree, what tree would you be?”

  11. Another cute guy who loves his wife, sings, and wears a barn coat. Crap. AND a goat-raising atheist. Frack. AND a teary-eyed writer. Gaah. Oh, all right already! I’m signing up (mumble grumble)

  12. Steve, you sort of had me at Darla’s recommendation. And then you had me a little bit more with your classy spin on how you met your wife, because I met my husband at 2 am when we were drunk 21 years old and I was being carried out of a divey college bar by my friends and I have never quite figured out how to tell that story to anyone. I just lie and said we met at the library. No one believes me. And then you really had me when you confessed your love of The Voice, because yes. Yes. A million charming Adam Levines yes.

  13. Steve, so great to meet you. Thanks for the laughs. Really needed them this morning. Darla, love the art work. Perked my sore feet and body right up! (Physical therapy sucks almost as much as tearing a tendon).

  14. Welcome to Darla’s FunHouse, Steve…did you get your hat? I loooove your video. That is my new theme song, especially the part about “needy” bloggers. And Darla’s right – dude can sing!

    Darla, your Power Point slides poking fun at Steve hit a new high note in low. He’d better use the one in the bunny outfit for his Christmas card. Oops – I mean Satan’s Birthday, or whatever you celebrate.

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