Welcome to another installment of weekly no holds barred, profanity-laced, semi-comedic rants straight from the rambling mind of the Supreme Destroyer of Bullshit — The Maineiac.
Today’s topic: Pain
I’ve had lower back pain for years.
And when I say back pain I really mean the feeling one gets when their lower vertebrae are constantly being set on fire then slowly crushed into a fine powder.
Suffering from chronic back pain sounds so innocuous, like it’s a mild nuisance. The problem is it definitely won’t kill you, but it sure as hell will make you wish someone would.
People that don’t have back pain will never get it. Oh, but they have sympathy for other pain. Kidney stones? Oh you poor thing! Migraine? Oh man, those are killers, go lie down in a dark room! Lower back pain?
Suck it up, you wuss.
The thing about having pain in your back is you tend to use your back for just about everything in life. Sleeping, sitting, walking. The only time you don’t use your back is when you’re having a near death experience or dead.
Even that’s not a guarantee.
“Ooh! I see the tunnel and there’s a light! I’m coming! Just hold on while I…oof…shit…oh God…oh no….crap…my back is giving out. Ah! Here, just let me lie down in this dark tunnel for a sec until the pain goes away…”
I’m so used to having a constant feeling of grinding back pain that one day I was in utter shock when by some miracle it momentarily went away. Poof. Pain. Gone.
Unfortunately, I was in a hot tub.
I remember thinking, Holy hell! My pain is gone! Is this what it’s like to NOT have pain?! What kind of sheer bliss is this? I am in heaven! I can live again! I can be free! Yes!
Then I got out of the hot tub.
Too bad I couldn’t spend the rest of my life in a hot tub.
So my pain is still there. Doctors don’t know how to treat it. It’s not a disease they can fix. It’s not something they can remove during surgery so you’ll be all better. And believe me, many a time I’ve been stuck down on the kitchen floor and thought to myself, “Y’know what? I really don’t need my spine. Take it out, doc. Just fucking REMOVE IT.”
But doctors won’t rip out your spine. Pfft. Cowards. Instead, they throw some ibuprofen at you with the prescription:
Take three pills every 6 hours. Stop when your liver falls out of your ass.
They tell you to go to a chiropractor. They “manipulate” your spine until your eyes go cross. I’ve done the chiropractor thing. Several chiros as a matter of fact. I’m so intimate with the whole chiropractic scene I call them “chiros” for god’s sake. It’s all very disturbing how intimate all these men are with my sacral area.
Last month, my pain had gotten so bad I was unable to sleep, bend over, move, breathe, sit or even blog. I knew it was time once again to visit my doc so I could get the runaround about how to ineffectively treat my back pain.
As I sat hunched over in the examination room, silently crying, she scheduled me for another X-ray, then handed me a thick manual on how to properly “stretch.” I stared at her in disbelief.
Oh! I get it now! If I simply stretch my back, this blinding pain I feel every goddamned time I bend over or breathe will magically disappear! Why didn’t I think of that before! It’s all so clear to me now! Newsflash! I’ve been practicing yoga for about 10 years!! Yeah, I get the stretching thing! It ain’t working, doc! For all I know the yoga is causing all this shit! Fuck Sting! Fuck him and his stupid fucking tantric yoga bullshit! It doesn’t work!
That was when the doctor asked me to leave.
Apparently, I had forgotten to say most of the above inside my head.
Today I got my X-ray results. The much-too-cheerful medical assistant called to inform me my spine was “curved” and there was now “moderate-to-severe arthritis” in my lower back. My lower disc was almost nonexistent, now just a thin pancake between my two upper butt bones.
Okay, fine vertebrae. You use your medical terms and I’ll use mine.
Mmmkay….I thought, so what you’re telling me is I have the curved-pancaked-spine of a 90 year old woman now? Terrific! And why the fuck do you sound so fucking upbeat about this? You are the worst fucking medical assistant ever. You and your normal spine suck.
There was a long silence on the other end of the phone.
I really should stop saying these things out loud.
She set me up to meet with my doctor again for some “manipulation” then possibly an MRI. This is a new tactic, I’ve never had an MRI done on my spine before. I’m certain this will finally reveal what is really wrong with my lower back. My official diagnosis?
My ass is broke and it ain’t no joke.
Fingers crossed there’s a new cutting-edge buttbone surgery.