Going back to college at my (ahem) advanced age has been quite the eye-opening experience.
I’ve learned many valuable things, like the medical term bradycardia actually does not mean when one’s heart rate goes up upon seeing Tom Brady’s tight end.
Also, never open your eyes during ‘eye irrigation’ practice when your smirking lab partner comes at you wielding a eyedropper full of questionable fluid.
And — I suppose it should go without saying — never get caught in the bathroom stall etching a crude image of your lab partner with a giant arrow over their grotesquely inflated head and the words: Suck It, You Brown-Noser Poopy Head!!!
Oh, and never argue with your professor when he deducts three points off your pharmacology paper because you think whopping cough is a real ailment that strikes people who have inhaled too many Burger King Whoppers. (Damned spell check never works.)
But aside from the above lessons, the biggest thing I’ve learned this time around?
I’ve changed. Yeah, turns out I’m not the same wild-n-crazy chick I used to be in my days of misspent youth.
- After listening to a few young classmates whine on and on about how they can’t find time to study for the big exam:
Old Me: Day-um! I know, right? School’s a bitch! High-five!
New Me: Are you serious? What, you can’t find time because you’re too busy uploading stupid youtube videos while your mom does your laundry and serves you Yoo-Hoo with bendy straws and triangle-shaped bologna sandwiches with the crust cut off? Try studying while taking care of an entire household, two hyper little kids, an elderly mother who thinks Dr. Oz is speaking to her through her smoke alarm, AND a husband that sits around and watches reruns of Married With Children while falling asleep with his hand in his pants. Yeah! Then we’ll see how much time you have to study, bucko! That’s right, I said bucko, bucko! Now just run along and go tweet yourself to death, kids. Oh, and in case you’re not pickin’ up what I be layin’ down:
#boohoo #growthehellup #beingoldblows #IHeartRichieCunningham
- While walking by the group of ‘cool’ kids huddled together outside the school taking a smoke break:
Old Me: Yo, whassup? Need a light? Man, school’s a huge suck-fest, amirite?
New Me: [scowling] For shame! [knocking cigarettes out of their hands] You guys realize that cancer stick’s gonna kill you, right? But it won’t be quick. Oh hell no. It’ll be a slow, agonizing death where first your lungs will turn to cottage cheese, then you’ll start coughing up blood until finally you’ll end up gasping for every breath for the rest of your days. But by all means, keep on tokin’ it up, morons! See if I care!
#blacklungdisease #COPD #YouSmellLikeAnAshtray
- After someone asks me if I want a hit off a bong at an off-campus party:
Old Me: Hell yeah, duuude!
New Me: Hell yeah, duuuude!
(What? It’s for medicinal purposes.)
Besides, I gotta fit in with my peers somehow.
#hash #didnotinhale #DoritoLocosTacoFoodBaby