Before I met you, I used to waste time doing foolish things like thinking, staring off into space, and making eye contact with other human beings.
Now that you’re finally here, your sleek plastic body nestled in the palm of my hand, I realize how empty my world used to be.
You’ve got it all baby. I love everything about you: your warm glow, the magical way you respond to the slightest of my touch, your ability to send jolts of pleasure down my spine when you buzz in my pocket, serenading me with the soothing ringtone of Sir Mix-A-Lot’s Baby Got Back.
Soon we became inseparable.
No longer was I forced to mindlessly enjoy life as it happens in real time. Finally, the other kids and their smartphones quit making fun of me for just sitting there, drooling, all alone with my thoughts. I mean, for god’s sake! Who does that?
Lunch break? Play Candy Crush Saga! Waiting for the kids at the bus stop? Hey, baby! Why not check your Facebook news feed! Driving the car down the freeway? Catch up on season 3 of Louis on Netflix! Shhh…just drive with your knees, it’s all right…
You seduced me, Smartphone. I’ve got it bad for you. Real bad.
But lately you’ve been sending me mixed signals.
You rang the other day and I didn’t know what to do! Do I swipe with my finger? To the left or right? Do I press down and hold until you buzz for three seconds, then swipe in a counterclockwise motion? I’m left to wonder, what does this all mean? Where is our relationship going long-term?
I knew things between us were hitting the skids when I realized something startling about you. A deep dark secret about your true identity.
Don’t lie to me, Smartphone. Just don’t. It’s too painful.
How could I have been so blind? How did I not see the real you? Why didn’t you tell me about your past earlier?
Admit it! Admit it to me, you lying smug bastard!
You’re a phone! That’s it! A goddamned phone!
That’s designed to make phone calls!
To other people.
Y’know…so they can talk to each other…
Remember that, Smartphone? Heh? Remember communication?! The exchange of ideas? Isn’t that the point of all this heartache?
Pfft. You don’t care anymore, do you? When I needed you desperately, you let me down.
Today I had to call my son at home on you and I was lost. How do I make a fricking phone call?! I tried asking you for help, but you led me down a path strewn with meaningless apps and icons. I knew I was too old for someone so young and vibrant as you. What was I thinking?
And more important — how in the hell do I talk on you? Do I put you to my ear? My mouth? Please, tell me! Why must you torture me so with such ambivalence?How dare you make something so easy so complicated! Haven’t I done enough for you?
I bought you everything! Even that sweet sequined sleeve you always admired! I gave you funky ringtones! I devoted my entire world to you! And for what?
You have ripped my heart out, Smartphone. I can’t take this anymore. I’m going back to him. Yes, my old flip phone. He knows how to treat me right.
I’m sorry. But it’s over.
“…I like big butts and I cannot lie! You other brothers can’t deny!”
Oh, Smartphone! You remembered! An email! I have an email! And a facebook notification!
Aw! How could I ever stay mad at you? You sly devil.
I love you.
Forever and ever.
Just tell me how to turn you off.