Dear Open Letter,
Well, lookatchoo! All open and shit. You’re such a smug jackass. What do you want from me? Overly dramatic indignation? Cheap humor? And for what? So other people can read it? Why not keep my stupid thoughts inside my head where they belong?
I’ll give you credit, you are versatile. Hell, I can write an open letter to just about anyone and anything.
Like Beyoncé.
Dear Beyoncé:
Why is it every time I type your name the computer automatically sticks that funky dash above the E? It doesn’t do it when I type touche. Oh no, all I get then is an obnoxious red line underneath. Who the hell do you think you are? Supreme Queen Ruler of the Universe?
Yeah, you are, I admit it. Carry on.
*****
Dear Pop-Tart:
Why do you lie to me? You never pop out of my toaster. You just get jammed in there, then I reach in and bits of you break off. I’m forced to bite into a charred piece of cardboard and get third degree burns on my tongue from your scalding lava frosting. I know I should like you, but halfway through eating you I have serious doubts if it’s worth it.
****
Dear Viral Videos on the Internet:
What the hell? Seriously? Really? You are popular because….? Is the key to be mildly entertaining while ridiculously obnoxious? Please, enlighten me. And tell me what to do so I can become pretend famous for five seconds then slide back into obscurity so I can eat my Pop-Tarts in peace.
****
Dear Beard:
Damn, Beardy, lately you’ve been getting around. You show up everywhere. It was with pure delight I watched you adorning the manly-man-chins of the entire Boston Red Sox team. I’m certain at one point the Cardinals’ pitcher wasn’t sure whether to strike you out or grab his sickle and go fishing for Jimmy Hoffa in that rat’s nest.
But it’s gone too far, ZZ Top. Us women don’t like kissing Brillo pads. I don’t think you guys really think the mountain man look is trendy so much as you’re just too freaking lazy to shave.
So in protest I’m going to grow out my own beard and stop shaving my legs until this beard trend stops. It’ll be my own personal quest to see which body part morphs into Robin William’s forearm first. You with me, ladies?
****
Dear Life:
What the hell? Seriously? Really? You are a piece of work. Either I’m worrying about you in the future or bitching about you from the past. You think you’re all that and a bag of microwave Bacon-Flavored Pork Rinds. Well, you can’t break me, you sneaky sonofabitch. Screw you.
****
Whew! You know, that felt good, Open Letter! I’ve contributed absolutely nothing to society, but you’ve saved me tons of therapy! Thanks!
Love, Me
_______________________________________________________________________________
What open letter would you love to write? Feel free to unload your contempt in the comments so we all can get our panties in a bunch about it.
She's A Maineiac 
Good one! Really liked the open letter to Beards.
I do believe I’ve unleashed about 10 years worth of seething anger when I wrote the beardy letter. I mean, enough already guys. Shave!
Helped release some of my disgust/anger, too!
I hear you, I do, but my husband has had his beard-now-sorta-goatee for 20+ years. I love it and it suits him. I like him hairy in the face. Cute.
I agree, the right amount of stubble can be very sexy/cute. But I draw the line at prickly and thorny.
Agreed. Prickly and thorny hurts like hell.
Wha . . . what? Microwave Pork Rinds? What on earth is THAT??
I’m sorry, I so want to comment on this brilliant and hilarious post (and I am TOTALLY with you on the no shave thing), but I just can’t move past the fact that microwave pork rinds are a thing. Mind . . . boggled.
Please ladies…shave those legs!
My husband boasted to me this morning about his beard. He’s been growing it for about 24 hours and it’s already ZZ Top length. I told him I love it as much as he loves my Chewbacca legs.
I was also very shocked about the pork rinds. I must hunt them down and eat them at once.
Darla,
Did you have a chance to read Ann Magnuson’s open letter to open letters? It’s a month old now, and in “internet age”, it makes it fucking old, but it is pretty funny…
http://dangerousminds.net/comments/ann_magnusons_mindbendingly_brilliant_open_letter_to_end_all_open_letters
Le Clown
No, I haven’t read it. I’ll be sure to though.
I was kinda hoping against hope that my open letter to open letters was an original idea. Figures. Nothing’s original anymore.
Hmmm, a “Dear women who wouldn’t have sex with me when I was single” letter might be gratifying, or a “Dear wife who so rarely has sex with me” letter? Oh, I hate litterbugs, especially smokers who throw their fucking butts out the window of their cars. Grrrrrr! Can I say fuck here? I forget? I know you’re family friendly and all. Ok, hey, is this a thing now? I read an open letter to open letter yesterday too! Have a nice weekend, Big D!
Dear Don,
You can say fuck all you want here.
But we will not shave our legs anymore until we can take a Daisy razor to Duck Dynasty.
You read another Open Letter to an Open Letter? Goddammit. It was bound to happen I suppose…but I bet it wasn’t about Beyoncé and that little dash above the letter e.
No, yours is uniquely you for sure!!
I’m glad to hear beards aren’t all the rage as Twitter makes them seem to be. My wife could do without them, and that’s good, because I’m pretty sure that 5 o’clock shadow is a two week project for me and getting much more than that to sprout isn’t likely.
Your wife is lucky. My husband can go about 10 minutes and suddenly a thick forest is growing out of his chin.
Dear Hermès Bags Outlet:
Why do you like my blog so much? Don’t get me wrong. I’m grateful for the attention. But why do you keep reading and commenting on the exact same posts over and over again? You should try reading some of my newer posts. I think you’d like them.
Sincerely,
EoPS
Dear Chinese Spam,
Why do you continue to write novel-length comments to me in Chinese? You know I can’t read that shit.
Love, Me
Hey! That guy reads my blog, too! I thought he was Korean, tough? I eagerly await comments from Lowrey’s Original Bacon Curls Microwave Pork Rinds.
An open letter to an open letter? How very meta of you! I love it. And like Misty there, I can’t quite get over that microwave pork rinds are a thing!
Too bad this open letter thing has been done to death, V. Oh well. I was desperate for a blog post this morning and my beard-hatred was consuming me so I had to do it anyway.
Well I hadn’t seen anyone else doing an open letter to an open letter till I saw Le Clown’s comment, so you’re totally original in my book 😉 I did an open letter to TV chefs a few months ago.
I did one to my smartphone and dammit the open letter floodgates opened and now I want to write one for everything.
Oh yeah, I remember your smartphone one! They’re a good way to rant because it feels like you’re doing something about it rather than just complaining for the sake of it, even though you’re really not, but “open letter” sounds more purposeful than “pointless rant”.
I love that, “pointless rant”. Isn’t that really the bread and butter of all things viral on the internet now? We should all be up in arms over something at all times. And want to tell everyone about it. What happened to the good ol’ days when people just kept things in?
I think people have probably always ranted and complained, it’s just that they couldn’t do it so widely before the internet! At least now we can hear a good variety of rants, rather than being stuck just hearing the same old ones from our nearest and dearest.
If it weren’t for the pointless rant I wouldn’t have a blog. “all angry, all the time – the post menopausal rantings of a seriously disturbed woman” – that’s my new tagline.
Have a nice day, VJ and DJ.
I would like to expand on your open letter to beards by writing an Open Letter to Mr. Rache’s Beard. It would say, “I hate you.”
Do you kiss him much anymore? When I kiss Mr. Maineiac I have to cringe and pray I don’t get hurt.
I just saw a play with tough guy Ed Harris and Bill Pullman. Pullman’s character was talking about a character played by Amy Madigan, Harris’ real-life, equally bad ass wife, and he says, “I can’t kiss Eva. She smells like crayons in a dirty room.” Harris says, “Yeah. All the colors you don’t want to use.” What great lines!
ha! Love that. And I loooooove Ed Harris. Great actor.
It’s like rubbing my face on a porcupine wearing a steel wool costume.
Niiiiiiiiiiiice!
love your letter to Life
Life has been really up in my grill lately and it’s really pissing me off. Grrr!
me too!
I say we take Life down. Teach it a lesson. Kick it’s sorry ass.
I am with you–tell it to give us more ups and fewer downs
I just wrote an open letter to an Oregon Ducks football player who had written an open letter trashing the fans of his team. From what I can tell, the former player and six other people read it. What exactly is the point of writing an open letter when so few people see it? Why not write a closed letter, stick it in an envelope and send it to someone? The classics never go out of style.
I was so close to writing this post in crayon on a little postcard and mailing it to Beyoncé. I mean, she’s gotta know how unfair her name is, right? You don’t see me with cutesy little dashes all over my name.
Now all I can think of are open letters to… Are they becoming the air quotation marks of the year??
In fact, I liked your letter to Life so much I used it in my blog today–thanks Darla!
No, thank YOU! I don’t think I’ve ever been “reblogged” before. (that didn’t come out right)
that is surprising–I love your blog
You are so sweet, made my day. Well, to be fair, I’ve been reblogged before, but it was to a blog that was selling Viagra and window treatments.
I have been reblogged by those people too! And some xrated film guy called Luckylouie
ha! You’re very lucky, indeed….
lol
😀 Wicked! I love it!
What are open letters for, are they just trying to save on buying stamps?
They should just write direct to the source of their ire. Like I do when my bins don’t get collected by the council.
I think we should do everything through “open letters” now. Open letter to my kids, open letter to the guy that cut me off on the highway. Open letter to that package of Twinkies that refuses to open for me. Life is so unfair.
Aren’t letters old hat now, shouldn’t we be open tweeting?
I love that idea, open tweeting! Make it more challenging to rant mindlessly using only 140 characters. Brilliant!
I. AM.ALL.IN.
Yes! I think having my own natural set of legwarmers this winter will do quite nicely. Shaving is so overrated.
Dear Open Letter to the Cat the kids left behind,
Please, these things are so sticky in a divorce. I never once said I liked cats but when we were all together on a big old property I barely noticed you. Now you have made me your Alpha and Omega and I am going to lose it pretty soon. You begin meowing the millisecond my feet hit the floor out of bed. I will care for you and be civil and tolerate all your arrogance, but don’t push me over the edge. I am the only one who buys those Fancy Feast cans. You have cashed in how many of your 9 Lives? Your Person
And you’d better believe that’s all you are to your cat: his person. That brings him Fancy Feast. I kinda miss having cats now. Their indifference helped put things in perspective.
Couldn’t have said it better…
It felt so cathartic getting all that off my chest. I can move on with my life now.
Dear Darla,
Touche.
Love,
Beyoncé
That Beyoncé, so badass.
Priceless! Yay, you, Jules.
Those all are hilarious. Especially the one about Beyonce hahaha!
She really does rule all. Even those cute dash-thingies.
Haha true.
I’m going to pretend I didn’t read that Pop-Tarts might not be worth it. Obviously, your back pain has affected your thinking.
It sounds more like a problem with your toaster not the Pop-Tarts themselves. Where’s the letter to your toaster?
Haha! I thought of you the whole time I was bashing them, Thoughtsy. I have a feeling it’s not even the toaster’s fault, just operator error.
An open letter to my boobs…..
Did you write that one yet, Susie? I’d love to read it.
I love the idea, but it would be a challenge not to make it a WTF post. It would have to be funny…we’ll see!
Open letter to Darla:
Dear Darla,
You are hysterical. I am very glad that this was the very first thing I read when I dragged myself out of my sickbed. This post gave me the strength to go on. Keep on keepin’ on.
Love,
Me
Aw, thanks but I’m so sorry you’re STILL feeling sick! That is the worst, Nicole. Please go back to bed pronto.
Reblogged this on Dreaming of a future and commented:
👌
Dear WordPress,
Why is Darla’s awesomeness not appearing in my Reader? WAAAAAAAAA!
I never read an open letter to an open letter before and I think it’s the most creative thing ever. So Freshly Press this puppy.
Respectfully,
Peg-o-Leg
p.s. Have a great weekend, missy.
Dear WordPress:
Remember all the good times we had back in the day? When you used to give a crap and FP my blog? Hmm? It’s been, what almost 18 months since those glory days? Not that I’m counting or anything.
Dear Pegoleg:
I love you. You know the words “Freshly Press this puppy” are like music to my ears. Have a good weekend yourself. I am SOOOOO psyched I have three solid days off from college. Good thing as I was thisclose to having a nervous breakdown. Hope you’re doing well….??
You really HAD fallen off my subscribed-to list; how does that happen? Just reupped for another 3 year enlistment. BOO-rah!
Have a supercalifragilisticexpialadocious 3 days off from school. And yes, I did have to sing that out loud in order to sound-it out. Love you more!
I’m right there with you about beards. No thank you! As for my own open letter, it’s funny you should ask, because I just wrote one on my other blog. It’s my alter ego blog where I’ve been working out some personal crap. And here (and only here) is the only public link between me and it (to date). http://persephoneepiphany.wordpress.com/2013/11/03/letter-to-my-daughters-mother/
Cleverly written, as always!
Ooh, can’t wait to read it, Sue! An alter ego blog you say? I have GOT to get one for myself.
One request. For now don’t use my name there. I’ll be more open about it soon. But not yet.
Dear men who don’t shave and don’t grow a beard either but who look like kids in the olden days who dressed up like hobos,
Shave it. Just shave. There is nothing sexy about the Dick Nixon look.
You do have a point, when it’s in that middle ground between being a real beard and stubble, it’s like sandpaper. Make up your mind dude, either commit to growing it fully or shave the peach fuzz off.
Oooh, oooh I have another one!
Dear smoker in the car in front of me,
Please enjoy that cigarette. With your fucking window closed so that I don’t have to “enjoy” it too.
Dear Click-Bait Internet Headlines,
Yes, I will believe what this lesbian said to a 4-year-old who asked if she’s a boy. No, I won’t lose faith in humanity by looking at these 14 photos of people at Wal-Mart. I would like to know the comparative basis by which you assert that these are LiLo’s 7 MOST outrageous drunken moments. Are you sure these celebs look especially terrible without make-up, or are these simply unflattering photos in bad lighting? And, also, I doubt my mind will be, in fact, “Blown” by these 22 stupid things famous people have said.
It’s funny, the more “viral” something is, the more I just want to scream and run away from the computer. I am the opposite of viral. I like stuff no one cares about. I want to see super-boring headlines about stuff that actually matters in life. I want my celebs in full makeup. Is that so wrong?
YOU WON’T BELIEVE THESE 27 SHOCKING REASONS DARLA IS SO WRONG.
haha!
(that’s all I got, I’m too busy cleaning up the gin and tonic I just spewed all over my keyboard)
I don’t need to write my own Open Letter, you represented my feelings perfectly! Yes, yes, yes and yes! I love the Sox but those beards are hideous. Who knows what lives in them? For NoShaveNovember I am growing my own hair and I posted my “Frida” pic on Susie’s blog, check it out: http://swimmingtomy50s.wordpress.com/2013/11/05/no-shave-november-prostate-cancer-awareness/ – SO, I’m definitely with you!! Maybe you can visit Portland this weekend and get a little “Mary & Johnny” to help you deal with these atrocities! 🙂
Yes, not only were their shaggy beards a little bit over the top, what is UP with their baggy baseball uniforms? I didn’t realize a man was allowed to look like MC Hammer while playing major league baseball?
You are awesome for doing the NoShaveNovember to look like Frida. That is definitely something I can get behind. My eyebrows have wanted to merge together forever, might as well stop fighting it, right?
I had to laugh at the Mary and Johnny because I honestly didn’t know what you meant. Then I realized and had a huge D’oh moment. Now that Portland is pot legal, it’s just a matter of time before we can start ordering some at a drive-thru next to McD’s.
I come from Portland, the land of heavily bearded gentlemen. To your awesome open letter, I would add this postscript:
P.S. And to you, Mustache Wax, despite your prevalance in the facial hair of this good city’s hipsters and your delightfully retro-chic packaging, I urge you to go into this good night along with your beardy brethren.
Now when you say Portland do you mean Oregon? Or Portland, Maine, where the heavily bearded lumberjacks like to shoot moose or fire up a legal doobie now and again? I can only assume Oregon because I don’t think we even know what hipsters are here. But I wholeheartedly stand behind your dislike of mustaches and mustache wax.
Ah, yes! I mean Portland, Oregon, where heavily bearded hipsters harvest organic eggs from their backyard chicken coops, and sip whiskey while playing the banjo.
My brother lived in Oregon for 15 years and now he’s suddenly an organic farmer with chickens in his backyard and a permanent IV of Starbucks in his arm. You crazy Oregonians!
Visiting via Loua Ann’s post today:
http://onthehomefrontandbeyond.wordpress.com/2013/11/08/dear-life/
*Lou Ann (not Loua Ann)
Isn’t she the best? Thanks for visiting my blog!
I’ve written a few open letters, and I always feel a bit better afterwards. Nobody was reading anything I was writing then so I was pretty much just bitching to the universe, but who cares.
There is a viral video of a man popping a huge zit on his armpit which proves that you don’t need talent to be internet famous.
Yep, I love writing open letters. It’s kinda addictive because it’s harmless good fun.
Thank you for another great post! 🙂
You are most welcome.
Dear Ass-Hats who honk their horns at 4AM,
I know whoever you’re picking up next door can’t possibly get out to you fast enough without that little reminder. I know going up to the door and ringing the bell is out of the question. You’d have to turn off the car and stop the window-rattling base pounding out of your awesome stereo. I know all of these impositions are just too much for a fine, upstanding citizen from the Meth-Lab side of town. So, I apologize for running out in my nightie this morning with my baseball bat.
Mea Culpa.
I HATE THAT. And no, I didn’t forget my computer was on caps lock. I just hate it that much.
Amen, sister! I live next to a teen who has made it his mission to blast his car stereo loud enough to break glass. And it’s always at 6:30 am when he’s on his way to high school and I’m still trying to sleep.
This really gave me a belly laugh to kick start my day. Thanks. 😀
Belly laughs are the best thing in life. I’m happy you enjoyed it.
Dear Scammers Who Send My Mom Phony “Refund” Checks,
If I ever meet you in person, I will pummel you to within an inch (or centimeter) of your life. I will destroy your computers of evil. I’ll blow up the dingy, rat-infested warehouse where you and your other evil minions ply your nefarious trade. Please, show your face to me so that I can bash it in.
I’m with you. My mom gets all kinds of phone calls from scammers. I tell her to just hang up but she’s too sweet and let’s them talk. Scary stuff.
My mom is pretty deaf so I can imagine the conversations aren’t very fruitful. I hope she’s irritating at least a few the scoundrels.
It’s funny that i was thinking about this idea for my blog and a couple people follow (you and another one) came up with idea first. So bitter! Funny as usual.
I am also very bitter someone else already came up with this idea. It was bound to happen. Too many open letters everywhere you look.
Jeezum Crow, Darla, I never thought about open letters this way before. They really ARE just snarky ways to publicly take someone down.
An Open Letter To Everyone Who Just Saw Me Lick the Bacon-Infused Egg Yolk Off My Plate
Dear Everyone Who Just Say Me Lick the Bacon-Infused Egg Yolk Off My Plate:
Don’t judge me.
Love, thesinglecell
An Open Letter To Bacon-Flavored Pork Rinds
Dear Bacon-Flavored Pork Rinds:
You are redundant.
Also, get in mah belleh.
Love, thesinglecell
I love snark as much as the next person but it is getting a bit out of hand. I see open letters everywhere on the Internet. So I figured it was about time to take down those bastard pork rinds once and for all.
I smiled through the post, but it was the parting invitation to comment that caused me to burst into laughter.
I considered writing an open letter about something yesterday. I discarded the thought after about eight seconds, considering how there’s very rarely an open letter that does not make me feel some degree of face-punchiness.
I’ll probably still write about the subject, but . . . hopefully in at least a mildly humorous, non open letter way!
Oh, do it, Deb. Open letters are so freeing. Really, I had a blast writing this one.
Poptarts, beards and Bey…what a combination. Perfect really, nothing but perfect.
I was trying to cover all the hot-button issues of the day in one post. Thanks, Val.
I would write an open letter to the Singapore government for censuring us. Really? What’s the point in that. Apparently Singaporians are not allowed to watch porn on their computers. So I guess they just go somewhere else to watch it, or go to Thailand to practice it? I don’t know, it just seems quite pointless, especially when they block sites that have nothing to do with porn (which is what really annoys me).
But your open letter was way funnier 😉
Funny you should mention Singapore. I was just checking my blog’s stats and I get most of my hits from Singapore. Maybe they’re all trying to find porn and instead end up here?
hahaha, wouldnt that be funny 🙂 But better be careful, because you may get blocked any day now and that would mean I couldnt read any of your excellent work anymore…. 😦
that was great!! esp the pop tart bit. 😛
It’s getting to the point where I’m seriously rethinking my diet overall. Maybe I should go with something easier and more nutritious like a Toaster Strudel?
An Open Letter to CD Manufacturers,
I am writing to let you know that I will no longer be purchasing compact discs for my musical listening pleasure. It’s not because digital downloads are so accessible, or because I usually only like 1 or 2 songs on a CD. The real reason is because it is physically impossible to open the plastic cellophane wrap in the time that it takes the artist to hit their pinnacle of success and then plummet to the bottom of the charts as the result of poor judgment in costuming, institutional commitments or crotch grabs. Unless you are Edward Scissorhands or have canine tendencies towards gnawing on things until they burst open, there is little hope a consumer can listen to their new CD before the return policy period expires. Your product is devoid of instructions, pictures, fool proof pull tabs or idiot-prone “OPEN HERE” signs. Even if they were, I don’t have the patience to spend a season of “The Voice” trying to completely rip off the protective white title strip into 1000 teeny tiny pieces. In that time, I could not only download a thousand songs, memorize each lyric and tweek my twerk, but make enough shrewd investment decisions to become partial owner of iTunes. The reason vinyls are coming back, if you want to know, is that all you need is to slide something sharp like a fingernail, fang or honor student down that wide gaping hole on the side and POP! out falls the record. So maybe if you could figure out a way we could open your products without taking years off our lives or enamel off our teeth, your sales won’t keep plummeting as they are. We are busy people and we have better things to do with our time, like figure out how to get rescue DVDs from their cases.
There is nothing more stroke-inducing. Even after you get all the 1000 tiny pieces off, you still need to whack it a few times with a hammer to pry it open.
Hey, there’s an idea…a CD Hammer! It can come in a variety of puffy pants designs and play one of his jingles every to you smash it down. I like it!
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Those darn pop tarts, I just eat them cold now. My husband got me onto that one, thought he was wierd, but it works….no more getting stuck in toaster or third degree burns from pop tart seepage.
I will have to try them cold. It’s either that or start eating more healthy foods and I’ll be damned if I have to do that.
Dear 119 replies and counting,
How am I even supposed to compete with you? I mean, should I even bother? When I see all of you lined up like that, not even counting the replies to the replies, I think, “Surely she doesn’t need or want another reply. I mean, there’s unfettered adulation and then there’s just a big pain in the ass. I don’t want to be a pain in the ass. So maybe I’ll just hit ‘like’ and move on.” Not to mention that I have to read you all to make sure no one else has made the same comment/is more witty. And my scrolling finger hurts! Thanks a lot, 199 replies and counting!
Dear House,
Yes, you should always bother leaving a comment. Surely, I do appreciate every single reply. My blog is all about shooting the shit with everyone here and having fun. And your comment made me laugh, so please, carry on.
Okey-dokey, Smokey.
Ah, when I need to laugh, I read your posts 🙂
An open letter to social media users. Yes, it’s a great tool to keep in touch with people far away, however, I don’t need to see 45 pictures of your child per day, or read updates on what you had for dinner!
Well, to be fair, you also have a funky dash in your stage name, just like Beyonce. Your name is a dance-related pop culture reference, and Beyonce IS a dance-related pop culture reference. You two may be not so different after all.
I agree that the open letter genre is a bit overused, and I think it will be officially dead once TV ads will start referring to themselves as “an open letter to our potential customers”.
Dear neighbours
Your dog constantly barks. It’s doing it right now and it’s driving me crazy. I know you are very nice and are big time fans of God and stuff, so I don’t want to bring any negativity upon you. But, please SHUT THAT DOG UP!!!!
Thank you.
And would you mind not parking your car over my driveway.
And can you please tell your sons to stop playing loud music at night.
Ummm.. that’s it.
Thanks again!
Dear Moms that show up to Pre K drop off at 8:15 am adorned in spandex, make up and the perfect fucking pony tail…
You and your twisted friends need to come to terms with your addiction to camel toe attire and realize that spinning (or as I call it …OVERATED pedaling) at 4am is not normal and talking (bragging) about it amongst us (possibly dirty) jean and hoodie wearing Moms is dangerous. Very possibly there will come a day when my husband leaves me just enough half and half to piss me off and not cream up my coffee that I am going to choke slam your bible thumping, hypocritical, skinny-bitch ass.
phew… I feel better.
Great post!
Love it.
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