As some of you loyal readers know, my mother is quite the expert when it comes to sparkling conversation. She turns 80 years old this January and let me tell you, she’s more than earned her right to speak bluntly about every topic under the sun. Hell, if I were her age, you’d better believe I wouldn’t give a rat’s ass what people thought of me or my opinions.
Fine, I think that now and I’m only half her age. Shut up.
Here are just a few of my recent favorite Jeezum Crow, Mom! gems:
About Movember:
“What — so they’re growing out their beards until they get a free prostate exam? Or their prostate is making them hairier? I don’t get it. The words hairy and prostate shouldn’t go together. You don’t see me growing out my chest hair for breast cancer awareness.”
After seeing Matt Lauer’s Movember beard on TV during the Macy’s parade:
“No, oh, no, no, no. He looks terrible! Shave it off! Where’s his face? On second thought, don’t shave it off, Matt.”
After hanging up the phone on Thanksgiving after having a pleasant 45 minute conversation with my brother who lives out of state:
“He’s on the crack cocaine, isn’t he?”
After stitching up a rip in my kids’ stuffed Luigi doll’s upper leg inseam:
“Here!” (She flings it onto my kitchen table during breakfast) “I fixed his ying-yang!”
While picking up and inspecting my kids’ Elf on a Shelf doll:
“Jeezum crow! This has got to be the ugliest thing I have ever seen. And I’ve seen a lot of ugly in my time.”
After reading about the psychic Sylvia Browne’s recent death in the paper:
“I bet she saw that one coming.”
Leaving a message on my brother’s cell:
“Hey, do you hear me? DO YOU HEAR ME? IT’S YOUR MOTHER! YOU’D BETTER CALL ME BACK QUICK! I MIGHT BE DEAD BEFORE YOU DO! HAPPY THANKSGIVING!”
Talking to me on the phone:
“Well, so when you gonna take me to the pharmacy to get me my pills? An old lady needs her pills! By the time you get around to taking me, I’ll be dead! You don’t want to kill your mom, do you? Well, DO YOU? Happy Thanksgiving!”
Leaving my house after Thanksgiving dinner:
“Well, thanks for the food! Not that I could eat any of it. But I enjoyed the turkey! Well, what was left of it. Enjoy the pumpkin pie I made you! Not that anyone touched it because it’s still sitting there on your counter, going bad. So let’s go Christmas shopping next week! Because if you don’t I’ll probably be dead and then you won’t have any presents from me. Not that anyone would notice or care. Happy Thanksgiving!”
She's A Maineiac 
I’m looking at this photo of Matt Lauer, and I have only one thought: “He’s on the crack cocaine, isn’t he?”
I think you’re confusing the effects of crack with the effects of the lobotomy he clearly had several years ago.
What is it about that man that makes me want to reach right into the TV screen and punch the living daylights out of him?
I have no idea because I don’t watch TV, and now I’m even less eager to find outt.
Now now…let’s all be kind to the feeble minded….
You’re right, Coop. I should just concentrate on my feelings of pity for the man.
Oh, my goodness, this post was hilarious. I especially loved “I bet she saw that one coming.”
Thanks for this post!
And that was only one small chunk of the conversation. The rest:
Me: Didn’t she predict her own death in a book? Did she get it right?
My mom: Yes, she said she would die at 88.
Me: Was she 88?
My mom: No.
Me: So she actually didn’t see it coming, then?
My mom: Well, she isn’t GOD, Darla. She can’t know everything.
Thanks for the additional dialogue. Priceless!
I wanted to add all the dialogue in every conversation above but that would have made my post about 4,000 words long.
Hahahaha! That Sylvia Browne comment is the best!
Personally, I aspire to being exactly like her at 80.
Happy Thanksgiving! Glad you didn’t kill your mom.
She makes me laugh so hard sometimes. Really, I end up spewing my coffee all over the place.
What a wicked pissah, chipper fart your muthah is. Hope you two have a ball or something when you go Christmas shopping. Happy Black Friday.
I plan on taking her to L.L. Bean’s this Sunday. She wants to see the Christmas lights. But she wants to go at 7 am. Because she eats lunch at 9 am. Should be a joyous shopping occasion. She usually scowls the clerks to death.
Yikes! Good luck on that one. Say hi to LL Bean for me. Even though I’m not on that coast any longer, I wear their shirts, fleeces and jackets. Lots of compliments on my hot pink rain jacket. It’s what I wear probably 10+ months of the year here.
We had a good time at Bean’s. My childhood home was where their main store is now, so Mom and I stood there in front of their entrance with the big Bean boot and reminisced.
I couldn’t comment on this hilarious post right away. It made me afraid that somebody was going to be dead before I do.
She really needs to stop with the death card. She uses it at least a dozen times a day. One of these days, she’ll get it right, but I have a feeling it’ll be a long while.
My parents used it for about 35 years. They actually stopped when they got closer to the event.
That’s what I’m afraid of. The time she isn’t talking about death nonstop.
I can’t figure out what’s more awesome–this post, or the ensuing comments. This comment won’t be one of the awesome ones, but I just have to say,
Regarding Movember (sort of):
http://thatsajennstory.wordpress.com/2013/11/18/polyester-pants/
Regarding speaking one’s mind (or not):
http://thatsajennstory.wordpress.com/2013/11/29/interesting-and-other-code-words/
Whoa, he had quite the moustache. Love those pictures. My husband grew a full beard for Movember and I am counting down the days (one more!) until he shaves it off. Today he told me he’s going to keep his moustache. I think he’ll look too much like Luigi.
Haha! Yeah, man, I’d rather the whole thing than JUST a moustache. Fortunately, my husband dislikes hi own moustache, so I think I’m safe…
My husband grew a full beard for movember and shaved it off yesterday. It was one of the best days of my life, ranked right up there with the day we got married.
🙂
hope I am making this comment in time, don’t want your mother to die! this is just too funny–so funny in fact I am writing it from my office floor as I fell of my chair and I do not have one of those alarm systems where I can tell someone I have fallen and can’t get up–I love your mother
Office? You shouldn’t be at work today! Bummer. My husband is working right now too. But he’s looking forward to leftover turkey sandwiches tonight for dinner…..
my home office—
Oh, good! So when you’ve fallen out of your chair you can call for help and hopefully a family member will come running?
only the cat
I’m sure he could be trained, though…?
as king of the household he would train someone else
I was hoping for a “numbnuts” being included in the Matt Lauer observation.
Well, I scaled down our conversations quite a bit. She normally goes ON and ON and ON and always throws in a few “numbnutts” for good measure no matter the topic.
I love your mother so much. Jeezum crow, Darla, she needs her own blog. And you better hurry, because she’ll probably be DEAD before you make it. (She’ll outlive us all, won’t she?).
My oldest son was watching the parade and saw Matt Lauer and asked, “why is that old 85 year old man hosting the parade?” I was going to explain, but then I was like, nah . . . nailed it.
I really should get my mom her own blog. Granted, she doesn’t even know what a computer is, but I could make it work somehow.
Poor Mr. Lauer (not, that I know him, not living somewhere where he is known) – so much acid spilled on him – on second thoughts – that might improve him.
For some odd reason, that man has irked me to no end from day one. I can’t put my finger on it. I think it’s everything about him.
Sometimes we just feel like that concerning a person …
I hope you ate your mom’s pumpkin pie for breakfast this morning like we discussed. Otherwise it was just sitting there going bad…
I’m trying my best. I’ve had pumpkin pie for every meal for three days now. Just so my mom won’t yell at me anymore.
Your mom is simply the best! Thanks for the laughs. 😆
She really does crack me up. Especially since she’s not even trying to be funny, this is just her being herself.
OMG, what a riot, I truly am ROTFL.
I had a grandmother who was very “plain spoken.” Never used a bad word, but her favorite thing to say (in her deep smoker’s/drinker/s voice) “what do you want to go and do THAT for?” to anything she didn’t agree with.
Yes, my mom not only drops zingers left and right, her voice could cut through steel. Imagine Roseanne Barr’s voice, only more annoying.
Where do they get these voices when ours our dulcet and soft? 🙂
Haha! No kidding. Why, my voice is like silk. I certainly don’t sound like I’m a trucker who smokes three packs a day, right?
to me you sound like soft water trickling in a spring brook. 🙂
I. Love. These. Posts! Reading your mom’s insights is like getting my very own Christmas miracle. 🙂 I esp like the chest hair/breast cancer awareness comparison. Touche, Darla’s mom– touche!
She really brings such joy and merriment to our holidays. My absolute fave thing she said was “I fixed his ying-yang!” I nearly fell over laughing so hard.
She’s a hoot! Love her! Is her name Joy? LOL! 😀
She loves to spread the joy this time of year. What says Happy holidays more than “I’ll be dead soon”?
Your mother is the best. Layers of guilt with perfect acid.
I love that. I should start her up her own blog and use that as her tagline: Layers of guilt with perfect acid.
I like that your mom threatens death a lot as a way to guilt you guys into doing things. She is doing parenting the way God intended!
Exactly. I have a feeling I’ll be doing the same to my kids. So much for me to look forward to.
Haha, so funny! I particularly liked the Happy Thanksgiving ones! Them old folks are the best!
I think she’s figures if she throws a Happy Thanksgiving at us, it’ll erase all other death stuff she just mentioned.
I know a few numb nuts who could use a good ying-yang fixing. Could your mom squeeze those in before she’s DEAD?
The stuff my mom comes up with blows my mind. She rarely ever swears, so for her to say numbnuts and ying-yang, she must really be annoyed.
Pardon the delay in commenting. My computer short-circuited after I spewed coffee all over it.
So… in terms of attractiveness, Matt Lauer is only a few notches above Elf on a Shelf? I have so much to learn from your mother.
Oh no. Matt is several depths below Elf on a Shelf. Speaking of that, Miss J freaked out about the elf possibly coming alive while she slept so I had to get rid of him. I have similar dreams about Matt Lauer.
The Jeezum crows are always lurking on the phone lines outside our house.
I always thought “jeezum crow” was some weird phrase my mom cooked up, but it’s an actual saying in New England.
I laughed so hard when I read this I spilled my crack cocaine everywhere. Jeezum Crow.
Not only do we have the 5 brothers thing, we have the same mom. Mine’s 81. No filter at ALL. Says to my brother (with his wife right in the room), “Your wife sure is getting FAT, isn’t she?” But seriously, not maliciously at all. Just sort of like a little kid.
Is it weird that Matt Lauer gets me hot?
Ahhhhh, it’s snowing on your blog! Yay! Let’s go sledding and then have hot cocoa. Jeezum Crow, it’s cold in here!
Get out. You have 5 brothers AND an elderly mom with no filter? We should really get our moms together and they can have a contest to see who can say the most shocking thing.
I had no idea why it was snowing on my blog, then I remembered I had checked the wordpress snow box a year ago. I had to make it stop though as it was hurting my eyes. But I’ll still serve you guys some hot cocoa.
Am I the only one that noticed the snowflakes coming down on this post?? White dots streaming down, especially near Matt Lauer – or am I going crazy???? How did you do that Darla?? So cool! Maybe I ate too much pumpkin pie! 🙂
I guess the snow is a WordPress holiday feature! Cool!
haha! Yes! (I just now saw your comment…)
Well, I KNOW I’ve had too much pumpkin pie, but you aren’t hallucinating. I had checked the “snow” box in my wordpress dashboard a year ago and forgot about it. It’s under “settings” so I un-checked it because it’s really giving me a migraine.
I’m like a little girl so I’m going to try it on mine. Hopefully I won’t drive readers away. 🙂
I do love falling snow, it’s so pretty. My problem is my old tired eyes can’t handle the whizzing dots floating over the print.
Your Mom is a hoot, Darla. Hope you had a Happy Thanksgiving.
We had a great Thanksgiving, thanks! I hope you and your family did as well, Judy.
I like your mom’s style. I think I too am going to start threatening death at every turn, because it COULD happen and I enjoy a dramatic empty threat just as much as the next girl, especially when it can score me some prescription meds.
I’ve already started threatening my own death to my own kids and I’m only in my 40s. So far, I’ve scored zero drugs out it, though.
Oh, my gawd. Your mom is hilarious. Full of gems and vinegar! My mom is heading out today to visit her son in Texas. I’ll miss her repartee. I made the pie crust this Thanksgiving for the mincemeat pie. I asked her to fix the top crust and she said, “I think it’s beyond fixing.” Still she ate it – for Thanksgiving and breakfast.
“I think it’s beyond fixing.” haha! That reminds me of the mom on Everybody Loves Raymond. Quick with an insult. Just like my mom, too. Well, I hope your mom gets back in time for Christmas.
You know what’s funny? Is I was thinking, “Jeezum Crow. I haven’t heard any Darla’s Mom stories in a while.” -Thanksgiving as I was whipping the dinner together.
No lie. We’re telepathic.
Ooh! Yep, I totally picked up on your thoughts, Susie. I said, what says Happy Holidays more than my gruff insult-wielding Mom?
She’s hysterical!
Oh my gosh, your Mother is hilarious. I hope I’m that witty and with it when I’m 80!
Me too. Sadly, it doesn’t look good for me as I’m not very witty and with it now.
Holy Shit! She sounds like my mom! And she just turned 75. I’m now really fearing the fast approach of 80! And, by the way, I’ve seen a lot of ugly in my day, as well!
Hugs from Ecuador,
Kathy
Oh, you have so much to look forward to, Kathy. I swear if my mom makes it to 90 I am in for it.
Hey Maineiac,
Jeezum Crow! I missed another post. Got trapped in a full nelson the last couple of weeks wrapping up the semester. Finals next week, then before I know it, boxing day will be here. Again! Hilarious as always, Darla.
Late to the party,
Honie
Thanks, Honie!
“trapped in a full nelson”. SO TRUE. Oh, I am DYING right now. When are you done? I have two weeks left and I swear all my professors decided to lump extra shit on us students just for the hell of it. I have four final exams next week, a big paper due, a huge computer project due.
I am having a nervous breakdown, I honestly don’t think I’ll make it to the end of this semester. I finally finished my ten blood draws yesterday (we have to get 10 in before the semester’s over) and that was the most stressful thing I’ve ever done in my life. And next semester I’m taking even MORE classes because I want to graduate in May. I am crazy.
Oh phlebotomy! That’s a funny word, isn’t it? My finals are next week, but we just ushered in the new ice age overnight so my group project that was due yesterday was pushed because the campus closed at 1 yesterday afternoon.
Damn iPad has a mind of its own. Closed my reply before I was done. Good luck, stay alive!
So good! Cheered me up no end reading that 😉
Now that’s my favorite kind of comment. Thanks!
There’s a book here, Darla. Seriously. You need to tape every conversation.
Oh MY GOSH!! Darla, where and when did you get that PLAID wallpaper on your website??? Have I been away that long? I’ve only posted about plaid three times.
Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving!
Jeezum Crow! I completely missed this post. I’m blaming Boston – because that’s where I was when you posted it.
Your mom is a pill, D!
haha! I love that. She’s a pill all right. A very bitter pill that is hard to swallow sometimes, so I need to chug a gin and tonic to make it go down easier. (I have no clue what I’m saying, I am so tired, so very tired)
You’re making complete sense to me!
I just found this blog, and I’m in stitches already. Your mom sounds like she’s quite a character. I think if I were ever to meet her I’d want to have my quote book handy. 😀
Hilarious!!! Need a good laugh every now and then 🙂 Glad to have stumbled upon your blog…
Funny, funny. I love old people with no filter.
Your mother is a doll! Just wait until next year though. My mother is 81, and she has declared she’s old enough to speak her mind. We’re finding out she really doesn’t like any of us. 😉
I love your Mom! 🙂