It’s time once again to reflect on all our accomplishments over the past year! Why? Because the calendar tells us we should, even though time is purely a construct of our minds and doesn’t actually exist! Except when you’re trapped in a mall parking lot with a carload of whining kids searching for that last parking spot so you can buy Aunt Helen the Duck Dynasty Chia Pet at 50% off.
Now let’s get to the bragging!
This year has been filled to the Pepto-Bismol brim with earth-shattering family events! Darla woke up one morning to find a giant crease down the side of her face from sleeping on her pillow’s seam, only to realize a week later it was still there. Because it was a wrinkle. Yes! A hearty congrats to her for continuing her steady decline in both looks and brainpower!
Life is like a box of sad wisps of neck hair.
In other news, Mr. Maineiac decided to save money by cutting his own hair with clippers. Which worked brilliantly until the guard fell off and suddenly Darla realized her lifelong dream of being married to Forrest Gump.
Ew. This dip tastes too “repent your sins now!” to me. Also, too spicy.
We are very pleased to announce our eldest, CJ, attempted once again to be the first 11-year old-boy to successfully kick his own ass, only to fall headfirst into the Nativity Scene, launching baby Jesus straight into the Seven-Layer dip. Tasty! Maybe next year, kiddo!
Next year, I’m putting broccoli in her chocolate milk.
And finally, our youngest, Little Miss J, cleverly switched out Darla’s shampoo and conditioner for dish soap in celebration of our annual Happy Pranksgiving holiday. While 100 naked Barbies enjoyed perfectly coiffed hairdos, Darla was left to wonder why her hair was as greasy as the puddle of turkey sludge still congealing at the bottom of the oven from Thanksgiving. Well played, Miss J, well played.
Finally, to celebrate our monumental year of milestones, we took a scenic drive to the local hospital after Darla ended up in traction (again). For several glorious days she dined on green Jell-O and punched the morphine drip button nonstop. “I’ll take ‘Meds That Might Kill Me’ for 1,000, Alex!”
from The Maineiacs!
P.S. If gift-giving this year, please send gin. I’m in Room 204.
(P.P.S. I’m not really in the hospital. I didn’t really buy a Duck Dynasty Chia Pet. But the rest of this newsletter is accurate.)
99 thoughts on “It’s Time for Our Annual “Prepare to be Jealous” Newsletter!”
I enjoy your blog. Happy Holidays to you and yours.
Same to you, Gretchen!
Oh yes, folks the world over are envying you now!
Well, who doesn’t want to look like Edward on a bad hair day? Very sexy.
I am so glad to hear that you aren’t really in the hospital. Because they frown on liquid packages at both the post office and the hospital. I may be able to smuggle in a tasty baby Hesus, though.
Merry Christmas, To my very favorite Maineiac and her equally nutty family!
Ooh, color me intrigued by this “tasty baby Hesus”! (you know I only tease the ones I love, Elyse….)
Merry Christmas to you and your sweet family as well, Omar.
Be well! And, I hope that I’m spared the holiday newsletter from long lost family and friends. Of course, one can always read between the lines, which says, “Life has been a swirling, sucking eddy of despair.”
haha! Oh god, that is the perfect description! If only we could all be honest for once with these newsletters.
Merry Christmas Darlita — and thanks for the continual entertainment with this blog!
Susanita???? Is that you?? Leaving me a comment straight from Japan? Every time I see another picture on Facebook I want to go there even more. Merry Christmas to you and the family! Tell your mom I said “hi”.
I DID buy a Duck Dynasty Chia pet. Kind of a disappointment 😦 Happy Holidays to you and your wild bunch!
Tori!! What happened? Did his beard not grow properly? Were you not watering his chin enough? Did you end up with a sad soul patch? So good to see you again. Happy holidays to you and yours!
Didn’t you attend school this year? Am I confusing you with someone else? Surely, that dynamic bit of fun deserved a paragraph.
I would have included my college adventures but as soon as my final grades came in yesterday, all memories of any of my classes were erased forever.
That is an excellent policy. Blow out your memory chips to make room for other, more useful, information. Merry Christmas!
Exactly, that’s my plan. Merry Christmas to you as well!
I am filled with envy–another successful holiday greeting.
Then my newsletter fulfilled its only purpose. I consider your envy yet another big accomplishment, ranking right up there under “figuring out Jillian Michaels’ and her kickboxing DVD should burn in hell for all eternity”
Finally!! I family newsletter that doesn’t make me feel like a total failure!
Merry Christmas to all of you!
Consider it my gift to you. For this year and every year forever after.
Well now, that was just brilliant!
Oftentimes, when I get down about my sucktastic life, I think, but this would make a brilliant newsletter so all hope isn’t lost. My life has some meaning now.
I was helping Pop shop (heh) this weekend, and actually commented on the profuseness of both Duck Dynasty and Chia Pet crap, but I didn’t know there was a Duck Dynasty chia pet?!?! That’s amazing. My 2013 Wish List now looks incomplete.
P.S. – Well played indeed, Miss J.
Miss J pulled off a brilliant move with her prank. She had me seriously questioning whether I was hitting early menopause and the lack of hormones were making my hair super oily. I walked in on her taking a bath one night and she was in the middle of pouring Dawn into my conditioner bottle. Without missing a beat she shrugged and said, “but it’s Pranksgiving, Mom!” God, I have no idea where she gets her devious ways from…
You are hilarious. I was feeling a bit sick thinking it might be one of those serious here-what-we-did-this-year letters. People still give those to me – in paper format. Seriously, they print them up. And give them to me. And they are so funny. And I feel so bad for thinking that they are funny. And obviously jealous, becasue the highlight of my year has been scraping a new driveway of all the crud, and that’s about it.
Yes, that is the kicker: I also get actual printed out newsletters from relatives detailing their seemingly fantastic lives. Or maybe their lives really are infinitely better than mine? Nah, I mean, you can’t beat looking like Edward Cullen for a week.
Edward Cullen can suck it. My hair looks like that a lot, it’s a bit on the curly side. My question is this: how come my life is not as perfect as everyone else’s? When did this happen, all this imperfection? If I wrote a holiday newsletter, it would be full of hangovers and shit writing. And on that note… maybe I should post a holiday letter too, I love your idea… thanks for the inspiration.
True story: I have a hangover right now.
See? my life is nothing if not perfectly imperfect. Definitely write your newsletter and be sure to include telling Edward to suck it.
Me too. I passed out walking up the stairs yesterday, and I just stayed there for a bit. Saturday morning too, hungover. Big one. Tis the season and all.
I may call the newsletter: Edward Cullen Can Suck It. Has a ring to it.
Whoa, I haven’t passed out from drinking since I was in my 20s. Definitely include that in your “Edward Can Suck It” newsletter. I’m in my 40s so now I just fall asleep and drool after drinking a quarter of a glass of beer. I’m such a party animal.
I often wonder when I get those annual letters what was really going on behind the proud chest pounding. I loved this post! Being stranded at home with 10″ of snow on the ground, the laugh it gave me was a great gift! Merry Christmas!
I am thrilled someone got a laugh out of my actual true day-to-day life. I hope one day I will also laugh about it, but right now, I still look like Edward.
Merry Christmas to you as well. we’re having an ice storm right now and I expect the power to go out right in time for Christmas.
Now I’m in the holiday spirit! Merry Christmas, you Maineiac.
See, I knew this newsletter would really help perk people up, Honie. Merry Christmas to you!
HA!! Happy Holidays!
And I wish you and your family a happy holidays and I hope your year wasn’t as bad as mine!
Whew! I’m so glad to hear you did not REALLY buy that Duck Dynasty Chia Pet….cuz that’s what I got you.
Your newsletter is hanging in the place of honor on the front of my fridge; it’s just that great.
Happy, happy Christmas!
Ooh, I can’t wait to grow out his chia beard so a pack of squirrels can nest in there for the winter, just like his beard in real life. Thanks, Peg-o! And a Happy happy joy joy holly jolly etc etc to you (Tell Tar the same for me)
Thanks Darlita! And a very merry Christmas to you and your family.
I am so ready for a new year. 2014 has been difficult.
Happy New Year, too! 🙂
Ooops (below) meant to say 2013 has been a bear!
Ready for 2014!
Sorry your year was difficult, Tar. I hear you, though, I do. I am more than ready for a new year.
Pranksgiving? I love it. Can I celebrate it but not tell anyone else about it so I don’t end up with dishsoap shampoo?
I think you being pregnant right now gives you more than the right to be the only one celebrating it. Maybe try dropping a jar of pickle juice on the kitchen floor in front of your hubby and screaming “IT’S TIME!”
We are lucky enough to only receive one annual newsletter. I generally want to chuck it without reading, but Everett seems to enjoy the pain, so we end up going over every detail. To start with “Bob & Fran” are 50-something, childless, and have $100k+ jobs that allow them something like 50 weeks of vacation a year. Need I say more? Thank you for your take on the #*($*@#% letters. May your holidays be bright!
Yeah, why is it everyone else is so much richer than I’ll ever be? And vacation, what’s that? My husband had one week off this entire year. Actually, not even a full week.
Happy Holidays, Maineiac! 🙂
Same to you!
Hmmm puts new meaning in “miracle dip”. Well played, humor blog! Sorry, but the Wonderful Mark and I haven’t accomplished anything outside of not publishing holiday newsletters, so have nothing further to share. (Unless you freely subscribe to our podcast…then on your head be it) Happiest of Holidays to you and yours and to all your readers. So glad to get a chuckle in my email!
To me, not publishing a family newsletter is the biggest achievement one can accomplish.
We concur. Thanks again for the chuckle. I’d like to return the favor. I think you’d find our Holiday podcast episode an amusing listen as you sip your java. The show notes page lists all of the segment times so you can scrub past any boring bits and head straight to what my hubby Mark, thinks Twitter is. Amazing. You can find it at dailyadventuretales.com/berry-christmas.
Finally, a letter that is REAL and humorous and NOT braggy!!! Not that I’m celebrating your “troubles” this year, I’m just celebrating your letter!! We got about 6 of this type of letter http://swimmingtomy50s.wordpress.com/2013/12/03/that-one-obnoxious-christmas-letter/. Ay! Feliz Navidad to you and your family! 🙂
I love celebrating my wrinkles. I look in the mirror and yell, “is that all you got Father time? Bring. It. On. Give me a giant wrinkle down the middle of my face, I don’t care!”
This is the only year-end update letter I’ve received that didn’t make me want to punch the sender in the face. Thank you.
You are most welcome, Jen. I try to do my part in spreading the Non-Face-Punching Cheer.
I believe I would really enjoy hanging out with Little Miss J. Remind me to tell you about the time I ran out of dishwashing detergent and used dish soap instead. Yeah. Not pretty.
Also, hearty congratulations on your face wrinkle! Isn’t it divine to be on the cusp of old age? I’ve also noticed some disturbing changes in the landscape of the skin on my chest. I did not order a crease to be placed vertically between my boobs, but I’ve been gifted with one anyway.
Merry Christmas to you and the entire Maineiac family, my Luscious Vixen!
ha! yes, Jim did that once too. He thought, well, dish soap SHOULD work, right? Reminds me of our Honeymoon in the Poconos when he dumped a half jug of bubble bath into the heart-shaped hot tub. It was like Mount Vesuvius erupted, foam everywhere.
“I did not order a crease to be placed vertically between my boobs” hahaha!! Oh, shit, you make me laugh…..
Merry merry to you and yours and your vertical boob crease!
Finally, a Christmas form letter I don’t hate.
I thought I’d try to achieve the impossible.
That chia beard is pretty sweet. I’ve been thinking lately I should grow out my beard to see how many gray hairs there are these days. Maybe I’ll just do a chia beard instead. Merry Christmas to you and your awesome family! See you in 2014!
Yeah, Jim did that this year and it was really odd how the gray hairs sprouted but were perfectly symmetrical on both sides of his beard. Very stylish. Happy New Year to you and your family, Steve!
I see life has not been dull at your house. The bit about baby Jesus landing in the dip was hysterical, as was Miss J’s prank. 😀 Hope you all have a very merry Christmas and Happy New Year! 🙂
Miss J is much more challenging than my son ever was. Today she decided to paint her bedroom walls with the body glitter her cousin gave her for Christmas. I’ll give her points for being creative.
I always suspected your life was a lot richer than mine. Your newsletter proves it. Thanks for the laughs, Darla. 😆
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
Oh, try not to be jealous, Judy, I know it’s hard what with my Mariana Trench wrinkles and all…
Joe and I wait every year for this one end of year recap to arrive from a certain relative. We laugh and laugh and laugh – then find it terribly annoying. Your letter was refreshing, although I cannot imagine sweet little Miss J having a devious bone in her tiny body.
You’re right, Julia doesn’t have a devious bone in her body. Her shampoo prank was rooted in her desire to make Barbie’s hair shine. She’s so considerate that way.
No Duck Dynasty Chia Pet? Whew! Now you won’t end up with two when I surprise you with … oh, crap! (Sigh.) Back to the mall……
Just be glad it was dish detergent, and not Nair. Ya think you’re freaking over a single wrinkle? How would you feel if you could see just how dirty and greasy your hair is – holding it in your hands?!? 😯
Merry Christmas to you and yours! (And to that background! My screen just had a nervous breakdown!)
You’re so right, it could have been Nair. I feel lucky now, John. Happy New Year to you and your family! I took the plaid down, it was making my eyes bleed.
Haha, hilarious! Wish I could write a letter like that, but I don’t have kids, so I guess my life is really boring that way 😉 Have a very merry Xmas and a super 2014!
As much as I love my kids, I could use a boring day here and there. Boring is underrated. Happy New Year to you!
This is just the kind of bragging that I can get behind! ALMOST as wonderful as MY year. But not quite. Try harder next year, Dar. Remember . . . it can always get worse. Work harder!
I will definitely try harder next year, Misty. Although, what with the sucktastic year 2013 was, it might be an impossible dream.
That was great!!! Recently, some family posted a Christmas Video on YouTube. It is some disingenuous attempt by a
couple to appear to parody the obnoxious “let me brag about myself and my kids Christmas newsletter.” Unfortunately, it is exactly what they attempt to parody. In said video they sing about their children reading 1000 page novels and how everyone in their house runs marathons and (are you ready for this?) how both parents appeared in a movie this year. All I know is that it is one minute before the night before Christmas eve and we’ve got nothing together at out house. If we sent a newsletter, the only thing we could brag about is the fact that neither my husband nor I had a nervous breAkdown this year. Sooooo…I loved reading your post. But seriously, Merry Christmas! We may not be perfect, but do we want to be?
I’ll have to check out this youtube video, I’ve heard so much about it.
Yeah, I think not having a nervous breakdown is a huge accomplishment. Although, I did have a mini-one. But I recovered. And who wants to be perfect? That’s boring.
I’m green, but I’m not sure if it’s due to envy or the Jell-O. Happy ass-bone healing to you and your family! 🙂
hehee Happy ass-bone healing made me laugh. Happy new year to you, Dana.
Now I want a Chia Edward for Christmas. Stop giving me ideas!
Oh man, that is the perfect gift!
Why can’t I get great Christmas letters like this one? The truth is so much more entertaining than a bunch of inflated accomplishments. Honestly, I think it takes much more intelligence to switch shampoo with dish soap than it does to win a trophy … jeez you get one just for showing up for god sakes.
Merry Christmas Darla and please keep the shenanigans alive & well in 2014!
If anything, my daughter is an evil genius. And she knows how to style a Barbie’s hair so that’s something.
Happy New Year to you and your family.
What a year at the Maineiac household! I am jealous. Especially about traction vacation. You’re living large, D.
Wishing you and all the Maineiacs the best in 2014!
Sadly, the only time I’ve ever had a restful vacation was when I was in the hospital recovering from surgery.
Happy New Year to you, Jackie.
Merry Xmas to you and your family!
And a happy holidays to you, Joe. You lucky bastard. Have a drink on me, please.
Reblogged this on CHRIS EYE VIEW and commented:
Cool Blog.. I Like!!
Hilarious! I was off the grid for obvious reasons and missed this one.
I’ve never sent a brag letter, but received my first RAG letter and am not sure if I should blog about it. I may end up in her next one!
I am very jealous BTW… 🙂
Hope you’re doing well and relaxing this holiday season, Susie.
I am! It was a blast, but its not over yet. I’m sending you all kinds of peace and happiness in 2014 Darla! Sorry about the quiet. That would probably be asking too much in your busy household!
I will still send gin–great for New Year”s Eve
Oh hell yeah! You’re a woman after my own heart. Happy New Year’s to you!
If you could have gin one way, what would it be? I don’t mean to derail you from your topic, but I love gin, and am always game to hear how its enjoyed 🙂
Derail away! I’m a big fan of G and Ts. Or even gin and ginger ale. Gin and orange juice. Pretty much gin mixed with any other beverage.
Haha, I love a gin martini myself, but nothing like g/t on a hot summer day!
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Pranksgiving! I didn’t realize the whole family were Maineiacs. I’m also glad you’re not really in traction.
Sadly, my Maineiac genes will be passed on to many more generations to come. Hope you had a good holiday, Charles.
Funny as ever!!
Big fan of this blog and gin. Please, don’t ask me to prioritize that.
Happy New Year Maineiacs!
I would never ask you to put anything else above gin. Happy new year to you and your family as well.