It’s Time for Our Annual “Prepare to be Jealous” Newsletter!



duck-dynasty-willie-robertson-chia-petIt’s time once again to reflect on all our accomplishments over the past year! Why? Because the calendar tells us we should, even though time is purely a construct of our minds and doesn’t actually exist! Except when you’re trapped in a mall parking lot with a carload of whining kids searching for that last parking spot so you can buy Aunt Helen the Duck Dynasty Chia Pet at 50% off.

Now let’s get to the bragging!

This year has been filled to the Pepto-Bismol brim with earth-shattering family events! Darla woke up one morning to find a giant crease down the side of her face from sleeping on her pillow’s seam, only to realize a week later it was still there. Because it was a wrinkle. Yes! A hearty congrats to her for continuing her steady decline in both looks and brainpower!

Life is like a box of sad wisps of neck hair.

forrestgump-featherIn other news, Mr. Maineiac decided to save money by cutting his own hair with clippers. Which worked brilliantly until the guard fell off and suddenly Darla realized her lifelong dream of being married to Forrest Gump.

Ew. This dip tastes too “repent your sins now!” to me. Also, too spicy.

We are very pleased to announce our eldest, CJ, attempted once again to be the first 11-year old-boy Seven%20Layer%20Fiesta%20Dipto successfully kick his own ass, only to fall headfirst into the Nativity Scene, launching baby Jesus straight into the Seven-Layer dip. Tasty! Maybe next year, kiddo!

Next year, I’m putting broccoli in her chocolate milk.

My exact hairdo for about one week.
My exact hairdo for about one week.

And finally, our youngest, Little Miss J, cleverly switched out Darla’s shampoo and conditioner for dish soap in celebration of our annual Happy Pranksgiving holiday. While 100 naked Barbies enjoyed perfectly coiffed hairdos, Darla was left to wonder why her hair was as greasy as the puddle of turkey sludge still congealing at the bottom of the oven from Thanksgiving. Well played, Miss J, well played.

Our Vacation

Finally, to celebrate our monumental year of milestones, we took a scenic drive to the local hospital after Darla ended up in traction (again). For several glorious days she dined on green Jell-O and punched the morphine drip button nonstop. “I’ll take  ‘Meds That Might Kill Me’ for 1,000, Alex!”

Here we are, still fresh-faced and deliriously happy in spite of the fact my assbones just shattered.
Here we are, still fresh-faced and deliriously happy in spite of the fact my assbones just shattered.

Happy Holidays

from The Maineiacs!

P.S. If gift-giving this year, please send gin. I’m in Room 204.


(P.P.S. I’m not really in the hospital. I didn’t really buy a Duck Dynasty Chia Pet. But the rest of this newsletter is accurate.)

99 thoughts on “It’s Time for Our Annual “Prepare to be Jealous” Newsletter!

  1. I am so glad to hear that you aren’t really in the hospital. Because they frown on liquid packages at both the post office and the hospital. I may be able to smuggle in a tasty baby Hesus, though.

    Merry Christmas, To my very favorite Maineiac and her equally nutty family!

  2. Snoring Dog Studio

    Be well! And, I hope that I’m spared the holiday newsletter from long lost family and friends. Of course, one can always read between the lines, which says, “Life has been a swirling, sucking eddy of despair.”

    1. Susanita???? Is that you?? Leaving me a comment straight from Japan? Every time I see another picture on Facebook I want to go there even more. Merry Christmas to you and the family! Tell your mom I said “hi”.

    1. Then my newsletter fulfilled its only purpose. I consider your envy yet another big accomplishment, ranking right up there under “figuring out Jillian Michaels’ and her kickboxing DVD should burn in hell for all eternity”

  3. I was helping Pop shop (heh) this weekend, and actually commented on the profuseness of both Duck Dynasty and Chia Pet crap, but I didn’t know there was a Duck Dynasty chia pet?!?! That’s amazing. My 2013 Wish List now looks incomplete.

    P.S. – Well played indeed, Miss J.

    1. Miss J pulled off a brilliant move with her prank. She had me seriously questioning whether I was hitting early menopause and the lack of hormones were making my hair super oily. I walked in on her taking a bath one night and she was in the middle of pouring Dawn into my conditioner bottle. Without missing a beat she shrugged and said, “but it’s Pranksgiving, Mom!” God, I have no idea where she gets her devious ways from…

  4. You are hilarious. I was feeling a bit sick thinking it might be one of those serious here-what-we-did-this-year letters. People still give those to me – in paper format. Seriously, they print them up. And give them to me. And they are so funny. And I feel so bad for thinking that they are funny. And obviously jealous, becasue the highlight of my year has been scraping a new driveway of all the crud, and that’s about it.

    1. Yes, that is the kicker: I also get actual printed out newsletters from relatives detailing their seemingly fantastic lives. Or maybe their lives really are infinitely better than mine? Nah, I mean, you can’t beat looking like Edward Cullen for a week.

      1. Edward Cullen can suck it. My hair looks like that a lot, it’s a bit on the curly side. My question is this: how come my life is not as perfect as everyone else’s? When did this happen, all this imperfection? If I wrote a holiday newsletter, it would be full of hangovers and shit writing. And on that note… maybe I should post a holiday letter too, I love your idea… thanks for the inspiration.

          1. Me too. I passed out walking up the stairs yesterday, and I just stayed there for a bit. Saturday morning too, hungover. Big one. Tis the season and all.

            I may call the newsletter: Edward Cullen Can Suck It. Has a ring to it.

      2. Whoa, I haven’t passed out from drinking since I was in my 20s. Definitely include that in your “Edward Can Suck It” newsletter. I’m in my 40s so now I just fall asleep and drool after drinking a quarter of a glass of beer. I’m such a party animal.

  5. I often wonder when I get those annual letters what was really going on behind the proud chest pounding. I loved this post! Being stranded at home with 10″ of snow on the ground, the laugh it gave me was a great gift! Merry Christmas!

    1. I am thrilled someone got a laugh out of my actual true day-to-day life. I hope one day I will also laugh about it, but right now, I still look like Edward.

      Merry Christmas to you as well. we’re having an ice storm right now and I expect the power to go out right in time for Christmas.

  6. Whew! I’m so glad to hear you did not REALLY buy that Duck Dynasty Chia Pet….cuz that’s what I got you.

    Your newsletter is hanging in the place of honor on the front of my fridge; it’s just that great.

    Happy, happy Christmas!

    1. Ooh, I can’t wait to grow out his chia beard so a pack of squirrels can nest in there for the winter, just like his beard in real life. Thanks, Peg-o! And a Happy happy joy joy holly jolly etc etc to you (Tell Tar the same for me)

    1. I think you being pregnant right now gives you more than the right to be the only one celebrating it. Maybe try dropping a jar of pickle juice on the kitchen floor in front of your hubby and screaming “IT’S TIME!”

  7. We are lucky enough to only receive one annual newsletter. I generally want to chuck it without reading, but Everett seems to enjoy the pain, so we end up going over every detail. To start with “Bob & Fran” are 50-something, childless, and have $100k+ jobs that allow them something like 50 weeks of vacation a year. Need I say more? Thank you for your take on the #*($*@#% letters. May your holidays be bright!

  8. Hmmm puts new meaning in “miracle dip”. Well played, humor blog! Sorry, but the Wonderful Mark and I haven’t accomplished anything outside of not publishing holiday newsletters, so have nothing further to share. (Unless you freely subscribe to our podcast…then on your head be it) Happiest of Holidays to you and yours and to all your readers. So glad to get a chuckle in my email!

      1. We concur. Thanks again for the chuckle. I’d like to return the favor. I think you’d find our Holiday podcast episode an amusing listen as you sip your java. The show notes page lists all of the segment times so you can scrub past any boring bits and head straight to what my hubby Mark, thinks Twitter is. Amazing. You can find it at

  9. I believe I would really enjoy hanging out with Little Miss J. Remind me to tell you about the time I ran out of dishwashing detergent and used dish soap instead. Yeah. Not pretty.

    Also, hearty congratulations on your face wrinkle! Isn’t it divine to be on the cusp of old age? I’ve also noticed some disturbing changes in the landscape of the skin on my chest. I did not order a crease to be placed vertically between my boobs, but I’ve been gifted with one anyway.

    Merry Christmas to you and the entire Maineiac family, my Luscious Vixen!

    1. ha! yes, Jim did that once too. He thought, well, dish soap SHOULD work, right? Reminds me of our Honeymoon in the Poconos when he dumped a half jug of bubble bath into the heart-shaped hot tub. It was like Mount Vesuvius erupted, foam everywhere.

      “I did not order a crease to be placed vertically between my boobs” hahaha!! Oh, shit, you make me laugh…..

      Merry merry to you and yours and your vertical boob crease!

  10. That chia beard is pretty sweet. I’ve been thinking lately I should grow out my beard to see how many gray hairs there are these days. Maybe I’ll just do a chia beard instead. Merry Christmas to you and your awesome family! See you in 2014!

  11. I see life has not been dull at your house. The bit about baby Jesus landing in the dip was hysterical, as was Miss J’s prank. 😀 Hope you all have a very merry Christmas and Happy New Year! 🙂

  12. Joe and I wait every year for this one end of year recap to arrive from a certain relative. We laugh and laugh and laugh – then find it terribly annoying. Your letter was refreshing, although I cannot imagine sweet little Miss J having a devious bone in her tiny body.

  13. No Duck Dynasty Chia Pet? Whew! Now you won’t end up with two when I surprise you with … oh, crap! (Sigh.) Back to the mall……
    Just be glad it was dish detergent, and not Nair. Ya think you’re freaking over a single wrinkle? How would you feel if you could see just how dirty and greasy your hair is – holding it in your hands?!? 😯
    Merry Christmas to you and yours! (And to that background! My screen just had a nervous breakdown!)

  14. Haha, hilarious! Wish I could write a letter like that, but I don’t have kids, so I guess my life is really boring that way 😉 Have a very merry Xmas and a super 2014!

  15. This is just the kind of bragging that I can get behind! ALMOST as wonderful as MY year. But not quite. Try harder next year, Dar. Remember . . . it can always get worse. Work harder!

  16. That was great!!! Recently, some family posted a Christmas Video on YouTube. It is some disingenuous attempt by a
    couple to appear to parody the obnoxious “let me brag about myself and my kids Christmas newsletter.” Unfortunately, it is exactly what they attempt to parody. In said video they sing about their children reading 1000 page novels and how everyone in their house runs marathons and (are you ready for this?) how both parents appeared in a movie this year. All I know is that it is one minute before the night before Christmas eve and we’ve got nothing together at out house. If we sent a newsletter, the only thing we could brag about is the fact that neither my husband nor I had a nervous breAkdown this year. Sooooo…I loved reading your post. But seriously, Merry Christmas! We may not be perfect, but do we want to be?

    1. I’ll have to check out this youtube video, I’ve heard so much about it.

      Yeah, I think not having a nervous breakdown is a huge accomplishment. Although, I did have a mini-one. But I recovered. And who wants to be perfect? That’s boring.

  17. Why can’t I get great Christmas letters like this one? The truth is so much more entertaining than a bunch of inflated accomplishments. Honestly, I think it takes much more intelligence to switch shampoo with dish soap than it does to win a trophy … jeez you get one just for showing up for god sakes.

    Merry Christmas Darla and please keep the shenanigans alive & well in 2014!

  18. Hilarious! I was off the grid for obvious reasons and missed this one.
    I’ve never sent a brag letter, but received my first RAG letter and am not sure if I should blog about it. I may end up in her next one!
    I am very jealous BTW… 🙂

      1. I am! It was a blast, but its not over yet. I’m sending you all kinds of peace and happiness in 2014 Darla! Sorry about the quiet. That would probably be asking too much in your busy household!

  19. Mark Lopez

    If you could have gin one way, what would it be? I don’t mean to derail you from your topic, but I love gin, and am always game to hear how its enjoyed 🙂

  20. Pingback: May You Always | Invisible Shadow

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