I have something big to confess to you guys.
I’m really a movie star.
Well, more like a stand-in for movie stars while they take extended bathroom breaks. Even Kate Winslet has to pee sometime, right?
What — you think I make a living merely blogging? [insert long, drawn-out cackling fading away to soft weeping here]
Here’s my official headshot.
You might remember the above gem from my previous post, Very Bad Profile Pics. (Let’s face it, it haunts your dreams even now, doesn’t it?)
But it’s true — this sweet canned ham I have for a face used to rake in the beaucoup bucks as a stand-in for some of your favorite iconic movies. Allow me to reminisce…
You might be surprised to know I actually replaced Jack Nicholson halfway through filming because he was high as a kite the entire shoot. I like to call the above scene: “Heeeeeeeere’s an-extremely-sleep-deprived-and-rather-irritable Mommy!” Strangely enough, no one on set even noticed the difference between a pissed off mom and a raging alcoholic with homicidal tendencies.
Ah, yes. ET.
This scene was particularly grueling. Spielberg kept yelling at me to “Be sadder!” but I was hyped up on about 10 pounds of Reese’s Pieces during most of this shoot. And that kid next to me? A complete asshole once the cameras stopped filming.
I don’t think I need to say anything about this film, do I? Other than it took about 100 takes of me holding up that friggin 1,000 pound radio over my head. By the end of it my lower back seized up, forcing the crew to hot glue a heating pad to my ass. At one point I was close to heaving the boom box straight through the bedroom window and telling her and Peter Gabriel to go straight to hell. (Yes, I also had a complete sex change operation just for this movie. Ever hear of “method acting”? Well, a good stand-in’s gotta do what a stand-in’s gotta do, even if it involves getting a temporary penis.)
Oh! Now THIS movie was the pinnacle of my career! This is where I showed off my acting chops, managing to smile through the agony of freezing seawater spraying straight up my nostrils for the 15 hours it took to get this scene just right. Not to mention the fact that Pervy Leo keep reaching up to grab my boobs between every take.
And finally, To Kill A Mockingbird
I managed to unearth a rarely-seen photo of my very first acting job. I was thrilled to land the coveted stand-in part for Scout, especially after having to previously eke out a living doing lame commercials for candy cigarettes in the 1960s with the motto: “Hey, Kids! If the Sugar Doesn’t Kill You, Perhaps Some Nicotine Will“
The odd thing about this photo?
Fine, the oddest thing about this photo, other than the fact I wasn’t alive yet?
Even at the tender age of nine, I was a dead ringer for that chick on House.
And that wraps up my stellar “stand-in” movie career!
Impressed? No? Shut up.
Be sure to look for my role in the upcoming flick: The Shining Silver Lining Playbook Hangover Hunger Games where Bradley Cooper, Zach Galifianakis and I stagger drunk through a giant hedge maze in the dead of winter while hunting the much-too-perky-for-her-own-damned-good Jennifer Lawrence using only a bow and arrow and an empty tequila bottle.
Will we get to her before Galifianakis succumbs to extreme starvation and eats all of us? Stay tuned!
And HAPPY NEW YEAR! Let’s all try to make the next year less sucky. You with me?