The Day Conan O’Brien Saved My Life
There are times in your life when all the day-to-day bullshit is stripped away. When nothing else matters anymore. Maybe it was my body’s refusal to give in to hypothermia as I laid trapped on the frozen driveway. Maybe it was my stubborn inner will to survive no matter the odds.
Maybe it was the fact my mother and brother stood in the window of a warm house just feet away, sucking down my cup of hot coffee.
“Dammit!” I groaned as I rolled onto my knees, still gripping the handle on top of my cat Conan O’Brien’s carrier. “We’ve got to get up this hill!” I cried, my voice muffled by the eerie sound of icy tree limbs cracking in the distance.
I put my entire weight on top of the carrier, using it for support as I struggled to my feet. I slid one foot forward only to slip and fall to my knees again. “Well, Conan,” I whispered to the orange tufts of fur poking through the vents, “I guess walking is out.”
“Ywwwwoooooar,” he said.
I quickly decided the only way up the steep hill was to traverse in a zigzag pattern.
On my stomach.
How long would this journey take? My guess was at least a half hour. That’s if I didn’t slide back down. If only I had something that wasn’t covered in ice. Something that would dig into the glazed hill like a mountain climber’s crampon.
“MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW!” Conan protested.
“Sorry, bub. But mama needs her java.”
I heaved Conan’s carrier in front of me a few feet to gain some traction and dragged my body across the ice. It’s working! I plodded on, the promise of a cup of piping hot coffee swirling in my mind.
With each climb we slipped back down a few feet, but I was certain we were gaining at least a few inches with every attempt. My mom still stood in the window, offering me a frown and a slow half-hearted wave of her hand for encouragement.
I imagined how my death would be reported on the local news that night:
GOOD TO THE LAST DROP? WOMAN AND CAT DIE FOR CAFFEINE-FIX
JAVA-JUNKIE SUCCUMBS TO ELEMENTS, MIRACLE CAT USES DEAD BODY FOR SHELTER AND SURVIVES!
Our grueling ascent up the hill continued as I repeated the process for another 20 minutes, growing weaker with each cat-toss. I’d allow myself to rest only if I reached the grove of white birch trees in the center of the lawn. Inch-worming a path up the hill on my knees, I soon developed a rhythm: Cat. Crawl. Slide. Cat. Crawl. Slide.
Finally, we reached the front steps. My brother reached out to haul us both to safety.
“Hey! You made it!” he said, knocking back a slug of coffee from his mug.
“Yeah, thanks for your concern,” I said between slurps, already two cups of cold coffee settling in my stomach. My mom’s power had gone out almost as soon as I arrived.
We stood out on the back deck looking at the dark forest in silence. Every few minutes a heavy tree limb in the distance cracked, booming like a shotgun blast as it crashed to the ground.
“How the hell you get here?” I asked. He had finished his shift at L.L. Bean’s distribution center down the road and walked to my mom’s house the night before.
“Oh, I was stuck on the ground for over an hour on the soccer field. Had to crawl most of the way. Might have blacked out a few times. At one point, I thought death was near. But whaddya gonna do?” he shrugged in the typical Mainer way.
Eventually, more family members arrived and we spent a few chilly nights sleeping on the living room floor inhaling toxic kerosene heater fumes. Soon a rumor spread through town that a place not too far from us had power. Not only did they have power, but food. Hot food. And running toilets. It was risky, but we were determined to make the trek.
But nothing prepared us for what we would witness once we arrived at the restaurant:
The zombie apocalypse.
A long line of people snaked out the front door of Friendly’s, all of them hunched over, their hollowed faces weary from an ice storm that was now dragging people into their second week with no power in sub-freezing temperatures.
“Unga bunga ugga….” mumbled an old man with a scruffy beard as he shoved past me to get in line for a cup of broccoli and cheese soup, maybe a Caesar salad if he was lucky.
Civilization was finally breaking down. In horror, I surveyed the line of people in front of me to find a sea of disheveled unwashed clothes and dirty matted hair. A pungent cloud of collective body odor hung over the crowd. Women young and old had abandoned their make-up routines, their faces revealing dark under eye circles and pasty white skin. It was chaos.
But we survived. Us hearty Mainers conquered the Badass Ice Storm of 1998 and lived to tell about it. It’s taken me 16 years to break my silence as I still suffer from nightmares. But I managed to learn a thing or two.
Things the Ice Storm Taught Me:
- Winter sucks.
- Power is good.
- Don’t feed your cat a steady diet of cheeseburgers and milkshakes because you might have to haul his ass up an icy mountain one day.
- Maintaining good hygiene is the most important thing in life.
**********
EPILOGUE
Eventually, power was restored across the state of Maine.
Darla did get to eat her grilled cheese and bacon that day at Friendly’s.
Darla’s mother lost power for 5 days.
Darla’s apartment had no power for almost 2 weeks.
Darla’s toilet was replaced by her landlord.
Conan O’Brien lived a good happy cat life for the next four years and was never used as a crampon again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tales from the Ice Storm of 1998 — Part One (click this link if the above story made no sense)
She's A Maineiac 
Okay. You win. Florida summers suck, but not THAT bad… unless a hurricane comes through. Even while worrying that my roof will blow off or my neighbor’s huge, old, oak tree will fall on my house in a hurricane, I do not have to worry about crawling on my stomach anywhere or my toilet cracking from frozen water. Or using my pets to climb hills. I nod in reverence.
And, of course, I compare Florida summers to Maine winters only because I always felt they had similar suck factors–the extremes of weather suckage. But I will now revise that thought.
I don’t know, hurricanes are pretty bad, Kim. I suppose every part of the country has something.
I think the main thing that bothered me about the ice storm was the lack of showers and flushing toilets. Oh and hot food and coffee and electricity. And the fact that I was working at Yankee Candle and they STILL expected me to come into work with no power. I think I scared the customers with my rat’s nest hair and makeup-free face.
In 2012 we had a tornado come out of the clouds right above our house. It hit the ground right on the other side of the fenced in dogs and proceeded to take out the woods for several miles. Our house was not touched but part of the barn ended up in a tree.
Trying living in Scotland. All year round shitty weather! Snow storm sounds exciting at least.
Snow is fine. I love snow. Ice storms I could live without. But at least we do have a fairly nice summer here, you’re right.
Hurrah you made it! The zombie line outside Friendly’s made me think of a Stephen King novel. Maybe he gets his inspiration through extremes of weather.
This is totally the reason his mind is so twisted, because he grew up here.
A cat crampon. I think you’re on to something…
Hilarious! Ice is the worst. I was caught in the Ice Storm of 76. The movie Ice Storm was based on this particular storm. I had to stay at my boyfriend’s house when I was a senior in high school. Dang!.It was profoundly beautiful! The ice Darla! The ice!
I’ll have to goggle this ice storm, I don’t remember it as I was only 6 years old. Nothing strikes fear in my heart more than those two words. Really, it was a traumatizing time, even though I can laugh about it now.
I laughed. I cried. But mostly I laughed.
You realize, of course, you were fated to survive so you could live to tell the story. I’m happy about that.
I’m certain that is the ONLY reason I survived. To blog about it.
Hee hee. The visual of you using a cat as a crampon and slithering on the ice is exactly the giggle I needed today. Thank you.
I’m thrilled my ordeal made some of you giggle. It was all worth it.
Part II was well worth the agonizing wait, Darla. Because I had to know if you survived. I wasn’t sure …
Loss of power is so awful. We too have well water, which means no power no water. No flushing, no showering, no drinking. I would say it sucks but when the power is out, I have not enough saliva to suck …
Yes, no water is what did us all in. No showers, no flushing, no brushing teeth, no making moonshine to take the edge off.
Or COFFEE!!! That’s the worst for most people.
My son has a pavlovian reaction to oncoming storms. He hears thunder and fills a tub! Because his mom really needs to flush …
Oh, no, I missed part 1. Gotta go back and read it. We had a HUGE ice storm in Lexington, KY in 2003 and were without power for 6 days. But then in Haiti we were without electric most days and there was NO ice!
Hugs from Ecuador,
Kathy
I really wouldn’t have minded the no power if it were at least above freezing. Me no likey cold. I am seriously considering moving down to where you live now.
Ha! Oh, god, as I’m reading this in the midst of an ice storm in NJ (in a part of the state where we often lose power), I’m starting to wish I’d bought a pair of crampons when we were at LL Bean.
“…growing weaker with each cat-toss.” I cannot stop giggling at that line.
Do you have an Uncle Jesse sized carrier you can use? Just in case?
Please tell me you put Uncle Jesse in a front-carrying baby Bjorn.
I want a picture
We could have used a cat-crampon when we were all trapped in my driveway last month.
Cats always save the day, D! So does coffee, cold or hot.
We Massholes feel the same way about ice and winter weather: “I almost froze to death, but I didn’t. So whatever.”
Exactly. Really my story isn’t half as bad as some other people had it during that ice storm. I remember one of my co-workers had no power for almost a month. a MONTH!!!
The truly crazy thing? Leaving to go to the restaurant after you’d finally made it to safety! Priceless.
Well, that was a few days after my driveway ordeal and at that point we had to go get coffee again so it was worth the risk.
You know,you could have put the 80ies everpresent tennis socks over your shoes – and thus might have walked fine on ice!
that is a great idea…I’ll have to remember that tip next time I’m mountain climbing with a cat crampon.
I don’t think I’m going to forget the image of you riding a cat up the icy mountain anytime soon.
P.S. If your mother still lives in the same house, I hhink she should invest in 100 feet of rope.
Nope, she lives next door to me now, but there is no hill, thank god.
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The restaurant scene reminded me of the scene at my local Starbucks after we had a big wind storm a couple years ago. Everyone was haggard and freezing and zombie-like because the power was out for nearly 48 hours and temperatures dipped into the 40s overnight. We may be just a tiny bit less hardy here in southern California.
I bet it was also a harrowing ordeal that one day last year when the sun was blocked out by the clouds for an hour. Remind me to move to Cali ASAP.
Great story filled with unforced chuckles. I don’t think I could have survived, but you did along with some great details to share.
Loved your story. Conan DID save your life!
Not to create a giant family drama, but why didn’t your mom or brother ever throw a rope down to you and pull you up?
Also, I love that you understand that the best thing to order at Friendly’s is a grilled cheese (with a chocolate fribble, obviously).
Ah, yes! How could I forget the glorious chocolate fribble?!
I see a great business opportunity here. To wit, marketing a new combination cat carrier/mountain climbing cleat! There has to be a big segment of the mountain climbing community who would love to take their cats with them, but heretofore haven’t figured out how to do that. Does a 50/50 split sound fair?
Brilliant! So many times I’ll be mountain climbing and think, if only my cat was here with me.
Unbelievable. 2 weeks? Wow. We lost our power this morning for 4 and a half hours because of OUR ice storm, and I thought I was going to die because I couldn’t brush my teeth! I mean, it was ALMOST as bad as your story, anyway. Let’s just call it a tie, shall we?
I think the two worst things were no toilets (meant no flushing and that got really gross real quick) and no coffee. I could live without TV, internet and even heat, but no java is sheer torture.
The last line had me in stitches. And I’m sure Conan greatly appreciated never being used as a crampon again.
With each heave of his carrier, he jostled around in there and would meow really loud. But I’m certain his chunky body helped cushion the landings.
Did you have to go without coffee for the 5 days your mother was without power? *gasp*
I would have started eating the grounds right from the can.
Well, this was the main reason we ventured back outside to trek to the restaurant. L.L. bean’s also was opened because they have their own generator, but no coffee there at the time.
For us it was the “ice storm of 2008”. We had no power for two weeks. But we DID have a wood stove and a well stocked liquor cabinet.
Definitely two of the most important things anyone can have during any emergency.
You used my Zombie photo of preference for my blog. Great Maine minds think alike! I miss Friendly’s…there used to be one five minutes away. So glad I missed that Ice Storm…
Sigh, I miss Friendly’s too. They had good milkshakes. I think there’s still one left and it’s in Windham.
The Reese’s Pieces Sundae was my fave. There was a Friendly’s in Long Island near my country house, and it was the biggest treat to go there…
Hmmm, I would think you would own a pair of spiked shoes/boots because of where you live..
I bet they sell a whole line of them at L.L. Bean’s, I should invest in a pair.
You could get golf shoes that have cleats or football shoes or even baseball cleated shoes
and…don’t forget the ski poles!
Thank God for Conan O’Brien and crampons. Made me laugh, Darla. Glad you survived to tell the story.
Heck of an image, crawling up like that. Goodness, I have nothing half so memorable to report, but I tell you, I’d slog though a lava flow to get a decent espresso. Dopio please.
Also, you tell great stories.
Thanks, Trent. I have led such a fascinating life, makes for good stories.
I can tell. I’ve led a boring life, so I make up stories.
Zig zag is brilliant! Good thinking. Glad you survived. 🙂
Me too. I don’t like to be cold so freezing to death wasn’t an option.
Suspenseful ending, but I think I would have been ticked off that nobody tried to help and just watched from the window. They could have thrown you a rope, y’know. I think “serpentine” is the term for your climbing strategy (from a movie–can’t remember the name.)Funny tale!
You’d think they would have done something, but no. My guess is they were afraid of falling down and sliding down the hill as well? I do faintly remember my mom standing in the open doorway yelling at me stuff like “Darla! Just get up here!”
This was fantastically funny, Darla.
I like to look back at all the horrible moments in my life, then rewrite them to be a helluva lot funnier than they actually were at the time. It’s very cleansing for my soul.
So glad you survived to tell this tale! Thank Conan O’Brien for me please 🙂
I would but i’m afraid he’s up in kitty heaven now.
I spent about a half hour in bed the other night thinking about how your ordeal might – MIGHT – have been made easier had your brother had some initiative and imagination. Are you sure you’re related? My idea was this – your industrious brother would throw a rope down to you and drag the both of you up. Yes, you’d be on your stomach, holding onto the cat carrier, but it would have taken less time. I don’t like ice on the ground – but you convinced me that I could manage it. You’re an inspiration, girl!
I know, they could have thrown me a rope, a broom to hold onto. Something.
I read that last line as “Conan O’Brien… was never used as a TAMPON again” (caps added for emphasis by commenter)and screamed “Oh, God, the humanity!!”. Then I reread it and calmed down.
Thank you for sharing this pivotal, life-altering experience. Winter = bad. Summer = good. Except when it’s really hot and buggy.
I had to go and look up “crampon” just to be sure it was a real thing.
I just loved your past two posts. God that must have sucked! I hope Conan O’Brien’s ego didn’t get too inflated after he helped save your life. You know how cats are, so self-engrossed and dismissive of those around them. It really was you who did all the work!
Oh, no his ego stayed the same, he kept on acting like he ruled my world (and he did).
Portland had one day of snow today, and the whole entire metro pretty much shut down. Maine puts our asses to shame.
You guys do put up with some dreary weather. Or at least they did up where I lived in Olympia. I think we had a steady downpour of rain for about three solid months one winter.
The rain in washington is way more brutal than it is here. I lived in Seattle for over 4 years, and that was the worst rain I’ve ever endured. In Portland we get rain, but it isn’t as constant as it is there. Of course, I say this while there is about 4 inches of snow on my deck…
I bet it’s utter chaos there right now, huh? Have all the supermarkets been emptied of all drinking water, batteries and booze?
Pretty much. A friend told me that she went to the Safeway by her house yesterday, and it took her 45 minutes to check out.
This made me laugh: “MIRACLE CAT USES DEAD BODY FOR SHELTER AND SURVIVES!”
I’m glad you survived, too, Darla.
I went searching for this in my backlog, so glad I found it. This was so good, so sorry I laughed through it. Was I supposed to do that? I hope so.
I don’t do cold, don’t do ice (unless it is in a glass of Tea). Poor kitty, tossed about that way.
I’m imagining myself and my cat in this scenario.
Nope.
Wouldn’t hack it, we’re too wimpy.
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