- Reached down to pick up a knot of black thread on the floor only to realize it was a spider.
- While reading books to my seven year old at bedtime, I either mumble ‘blah blah blah’ or make up the story as I go along.
“And so the three Bears came home and…blah blah blah…kicked Goldilock’s sorry ass out of the hizzle for good. The End.”
- Tried to kiss my husband and ended up trying to make out with his nose.
- Returned home from the playground with the wrong kid. And a very tiny old man.
- For months thought I was watching the critically-acclaimed Netflix series: A Testes’ Development
- My new look? Unibrow.
- I can read a book only if I squint hard in bright light and if someone holds it up for me while they’re standing in Texas.
- Mistook the microwavable cardboard sleeve for the actual Hot Pocket. Knew something was up when it tasted good.
- Had a long bitch-fest about the Polar Vortex with a coat rack.
- Told the police the suspect was between 80 and 300 pounds, between 4 feet and 7 feet tall and either male or female. Maybe both. Or neither. Might have been a coat rack.
- Whenever I take medication, I just take whatever number of pills comes out with two shakes.
- Accidentally discovered hemorrhoid cream shrinks under eye bags.
- Accidentally discovered Ben Gay does not make a good toothpaste.
- Matt Lauer is looking quite attractive lately.
- I’m looking quite attractive lately.
Yeah, maybe I shouldn’t get new glasses after all.
So how’s your eyesight? Is it still good? Can you help me read my newspaper this morning? Yeah, just hold it up and stand as far back in the room as you can. It would really help if you’re in a country on the other side of the world. Thanks.