Top Reasons I Should Probably Get New Glasses

dog-w-glasses

  • Reached down to pick up a knot of black thread on the floor only to realize it was a spider.
  • While reading books to my seven year old at bedtime, I either mumble ‘blah blah blah’ or make up the story as I go along.
    “And so the three Bears came home and…blah blah blah…kicked Goldilock’s sorry ass out of the hizzle for good. The End.”
  • Tried to kiss my husband and ended up trying to make out with his nose.
  • Returned home from the playground with the wrong kid. And a very tiny old man.
  • For months thought I was watching the critically-acclaimed Netflix series:  A Testes’ Development
    arrested-development_large_verge_medium_landscape
  • My new look? Unibrow.
  • I can read a book only if I squint hard in bright light and if someone holds it up for me while they’re standing in Texas.
  • Mistook the microwavable cardboard sleeve for the actual Hot Pocket. Knew something was up when it tasted good.
    ku-xlarge
  • Had a long bitch-fest about the Polar Vortex with a coat rack.
  • Told the police the suspect was between 80 and 300 pounds, between 4 feet and 7 feet tall and either male or female. Maybe both. Or neither. Might have been a coat rack.
  • Whenever I take medication, I just take whatever number of pills comes out with two shakes.
  • Accidentally discovered hemorrhoid cream shrinks under eye bags.
  • Accidentally discovered Ben Gay does not make a good toothpaste.
  • Matt Lauer is looking quite attractive lately.

    How YOU doin'?
    How YOU doin’?
  • I’m looking quite attractive lately.

images

Yeah, maybe I shouldn’t get new glasses after all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So how’s your eyesight? Is it still good? Can you help me read my newspaper this morning? Yeah, just hold it up and stand as far back in the room as you can. It would really help if you’re in a country on the other side of the world. Thanks.

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97 thoughts on “Top Reasons I Should Probably Get New Glasses

  1. You are hilarious, and I give extra extra credit for the Arrested Development nod… greatest comedy ever. Community is close, though. Please be nice to the tiny old man that you inadvertently brought home. Also, sorry about the polar vortex. That might have been our fault, here north of the border…

    1. Oh god, how I LOVE Community. I’m very sad now though that my favorite Troy is gone now.

      As for the old man, he’s really getting on my nerves. He keeps using all my Ben Gay and leaving his dentures in my coffee mug.

  2. My eyes have been on a decline since I first opened them (Much like a kitten, I kept them closed the first week or so of life). Since then, my glasses have gotten thicker with each new pair. You’ve inspired me to write a post, which is something I don’t seem to do anymore, so thanks for that. Now if I can just find a way to position this laptop three feet further away from my hands…

    1. I have the perfect solution for you Dave, just invest in the latest in computer technology, the “kneetop”. I’m holding out hope one day I can balance my laptop on my feet so I can finally read the screen.

    1. “While I want you to look good, Darla….” bwa ha haaa!

      Maybe instead of me getting new glasses, I can get everyone else in the entire world to develop blurry vision. I think it’s beneficial to all of humanity if no one can see my wrinkles and under eye bags, don’t you?

    1. Sure, but I normally get my glasses at Target. I have two “reading” glasses I bought there for about 10 bucks apiece. Maybe while I’m there I can also buy some more hemorrhoid cream and Ben Gay?

  3. Snoring Dog Studio

    Very funny! You’re never alone with bad eyesight. Every inanimate object is a friend. My 89 year old mom swears that her eyesight is actually improving. So I can look forward to that.

    1. Hmm….I’ll have to look forward to being 89 now. My mom is 80 and she is currently wearing tri-focals. Makes me worry if I’ll need quad-focals. As it is I’m constantly taking my glasses off and on all damn day. I need one of those old lady eyeglasses chains around my neck. It should look real snazzy next to my medic alert necklace.

      1. Know what you mean about off-on-off-on relationship with specs. I could either read without them, or watch TV with them. I could not watch TV and then continue to write to my Mum!
        Get vari-focals Darla. When you’ve gotten use to walking into doorways that move and off kerbs that aren’t there, they’re terrific!

  4. Thanks for leading with the spider….ugh

    I’m blind as a bat, when I’m in the pub it still looks as if the smoking ban never happened as everything is shrouded in fog. Quite tired of getting on the wrong buses aswell. I do wear glasses but always forget to wear them outside the house. Mulling over laser surgery but I don’t know anyone who has had it done to ascertain if it is a roaring success or their eyes have been destroyed.

    1. Yeah, for some reason the words “eyes” and “laser” together scream danger to me. I can barely put an eye drop in my eye, I freak out. It’s like that Friends episode where Rachel has to see an optometrist and keeps jerking her head away.

      As for being blind at the pub, that could really come in handy if one’s trying to pick up dates. Course, in my case, it would really help if all the men couldn’t see me very well either.

      1. Well, your last statement isn’t true! 😀

        I also have an eye phobia hence I can;t do contact lenses, people’s eyes freak me out especially when they poke around them. My friend has bulging eyes (really gross) and he had an infection and I had to put eye drops in for him, I ended up squirting it all over his face as I couldn’t watch as he peeled back the lids of his already bulbous eyes.

        1. Oh. My. God. I am laughing so hard right now! “peeled back the lids of his already bulbous eyes”. You really paint a vivid picture there, Joe.

          Once I developed an eye infection when I worked at an elementary school (kids and their damed pink eye) and was forced to put eye drops in twice a day for a week. The first day I used up the entire bottle squirting it into my ear.

          And aren’t you the sweetest for saying the last statement isn’t true! But you really should get some new glasses. (ahem)

      2. Ah yes. It’s really hard to buy new glasses what with my action-packed social life. Today, I’ve got way too much laundry to fold and dishes to scrape. Later on I hope to unwind by scrubbing my toilet.

          1. haha! you’re right. that’s a great name. i’m taking half credit! so much to scream about! ARGGGGGGGGGHHH!!!
            ah. that felt good. hey, there’s the tag line. 😉

  5. Hmmm. There’s something different about you in that first picture. Did you get your hair done? Nose job? Wax your unibrow?

    At least you can just buy a new prescription and then magically see again. I discovered 2 huge creases between my eyes yesterday while I was squinting and have no memory of them ever being there. I don’t think glasses will help that. Then again, maybe I just need to grow my bangs out again . . . down to my chin. Once you get your glasses, can you lead me around. You can be my seeing eye Darla. Deal?

    1. Holy shit, Misty. You’ve just given me an idea. Yes, the answer to covering up all those wrinkles? More facial hair! I’m sure I can grow a full face beard if I just stop using Nair for one day. Thanks!

      And yes, I just saw your wrinkle photo on facebook. That’s NOTHING. Those are tiny. Get ready. Once I turned 40, I developed two giant creases across my foreheard. The worst is the long wrinkle that starts from the corner of my left eye and trails off down to my chin. And the best part? It’s only one ONE SIDE OF MY FACE. Looks like I was on the bad end of a knife fight. Oh and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! (mwa ha haaaaa) Sorry, but being a good five years older than you, I reserve the right to say mwa ha ha.

  6. It’s not your eyes – Matt Lauer IS looking pretty good. Maybe it’s my eyes.

    The rapid rate of deterioration of all of my senses, but especially vision, is just another example of how Mother Nature is holding me down so Father Time can beat the crap out of me. Welcome to the club.

      1. Yup. My only consolation is that by then our eyesight will be so crappy, we won’t KNOW we look like Shar Peis. (ps, did you have to look up how to spell that? Because my spelling ability is going downhill faster than my vision.)

      2. Did I look up Shar Pei? Hell yeah. I thought it was spelled “sharpei” but then the red line appeared underneath and it was autocorrected to “sharpie”. Either way, my face is a disaster.

  7. Melanie

    When my blurry vision was further obscured by the nose prints on the computer screen, I gave in and went for an eye exam. After chastising me for going a whopping seven years between prescriptions, the doc confirmed what I already knew and handed me a new prescription while disguising a cackle.

    1. Last time I went to an eye doctor I tried to bluff my way through all the tests. I think the only one I aced was the “puff of air in the eyeball” one. Still, I refuse to believe my eyesight is bad enough that I need new glasses.

      1. Melanie

        I’ve wanted a pair for the office and a pair for home, so I went with it. It’ll be interesting to see what I’ve not been seeing. I already have a blog post idea brewing about it.

        1. OOh, yeah, I bet there are loads of things you could write about. I imagine I’ve been taking three times the recommended dose of Tylenol this entire time and my liver is ready to fall out of my ass. Oh well. I’d rather have that happen than go to the eye doctor again.

  8. HiLaRiOuS…minus the part about the spider. I almost couldn’t read this post, thanks to all the hours I spend in front of a PC at work, slowly going blind. Can’t wait to see (or not see) what it’ll be like at 40!

  9. I’ve recently taken to adjusting my monitor resolution to it’s lowest setting and increasing the font size. The good news….I can now easily read the words. The bad news….I have to scroll after every word.

  10. bobkat

    This was perfect timing. My glasses just broke and I’m sporting a big wad of packing tape on the right hinge. Just drove home from the eye doctor (in my big old Mercury Grand Marquis), sporting a pair of those huge glaucoma glasses because my eyes are so dilated and $600 poorer. Left me in quite a pissy mood until I read this post. You had me laughing out loud. Now I’m thinking about going to Walmart to buy some hemorrhoid cream. Thanks for the laugh!

    1. ah, yes, that’s the only thing missing from my glasses, that huge piece of tape holding them together. Very stylish. I have two pairs of “reading” glasses and both are super ugly so I have that going for me.

  11. I can relate to almost every one of those observations. My eye doctor keeps playing with my prescription to avoid bifocals as long as possible. We’re both in denial. PS – I have my kids read the medicne bottles for me these days.

  12. Last night Maycee was reading a picture book to me. She said, “Look at this (pointing to small, teeny, microscopic cartoon in book), Mom! Isn’t it cute?” I had to get so close that I actually smelled the mouse in the picture, forget seeing it! 😉 Yep, new glasses coming to a town near us both, and soon. Or, heck, we can just use it as a blessed excuse for messing things up! Yep, I think I like that option better! XOXO-Kasey

    1. “I actually smelled the mouse in the picture” ha! I get so ticked off with the microscopic print. Especially on medicine bottles. Even with my glasses I can’t make any word out. It’s like the entire world is against me.

  13. Ha ha. Loved your poor eyes story, and the comments. Great. To Joehoover (any relation to Hoover vacuums?): I had laser surgery (Lasik) on my eyes 16 years ago. First time in my life I was able to see without glasses or contact lenses. It was wonderful. Now, as my eyes have started to age, I need glasses to see distance again clearly. But, it was wonderful while it lasted. You won’t be sorry, Joe, if you decide to do it. Before, I wasn’t even able to see my clock on the bedstand clearly; now I can.

  14. Ja,ja,ja,ja,ja!!!!!!! (That’s Spanish for Ha,ha btw). This is too much. Someone has to be standing in Texas holding the book up for you to read it, that’s ME! And YOU, who absolutely hates spiders picked one up????????? That right there would have me buying 10XXXXX magnifying glasses! Thanks for the big chuckle.

  15. I am the only one out of 9 siblings who has not had to wear prescription glasses. Still don’t, but have had to wear “cheaters” or readers since mid-40s.
    I resent having to wear them but nowadays, I can’t even check the expiration date on groceries unless I have em.
    My arms aren’t long enough anymore.
    Time for a check up – hate to do it. Grumble. But, better than the alternative!
    Fun post, Darliciousness.

    1. There must be some way I can get my arms to be longer. I’d rather do that than go back to the eye doctor. My eyes started going when I turned 40 and every year since I get further steeped in denial. I like it there, it’s cozy and blurry.

  16. I blame reading and learning for my poor eyesight. If only I had played outside more instead of reading every dang Sweet Valley Twins book ever written (FYI: there were hundreds), I would have perfect vision. Alas. Jessica and Elizabeth robbed me of my healthy eyesight!

      1. There were other books, of course– Ramona Quimby, Babysitters Club, The (Cough) Sleepover Friends, and other lame-ass series. Literacy is to blame, Darla: LITERACY!!

      2. Oh yeah! Ramona! Loved those books. I also read Trixie Belden. Do you remember those? I read anything that had to do with mysteries or detective stories. I blame my entire geeky/dorky life on literacy.

  17. Pingback: The Eyes Have It | 1pointperspective

  18. I have a similar tale to your spider pickup – I once picked up from my dining room floor what I thought was a little clump of lint from the tumble drier, and it turned out to be a decapitated mouse! I don’t generally freak out over rodents, but this time I did do a little girly scream and throw it down. (I’m pretty sure it was my cat that bit the head off the mouse in case you were wondering).

    1. I could totally see myself accidentally picking up a decapitated mouse. You must have washed your hand for days. This reminds me of the time years ago when my cat Cujo thought it would be sweet to drag a decapitated mouse in through his cat door, then dump it on the kitchen table in front of me while I was eating my Cheerios. Thankfully, back then I had good eyesight and didn’t think it was a clump of lint. I just screamed and ran away.

  19. These are all very good reasons, truly. The best though? Just think what would happen if you bring the wrong husband home?

    I think you need to protect yourself from future embarrassment.

    1. Yes, what is up with the selective sight? If only I could have more control over what’s blurry to me. By the way, your new gravatar is smoking red hot, love it (and it’s not blurry to me at all)

      1. Hahaha! I am experimenting. Thanks!
        It’s weird how it comes and goes. I had Lasik but sleep with my eyes open and dried my corneas.while they were healing. Now I wear a contact lens in one eye!

  20. Everything looks better when its a little hazy around the edges, so why mess with the perfection that is your vision.

    The universe is just protecting you from the horrors of life in HD because it loves you so much.

    1. This is true. God thought it would be a blessing for me not to be able to see all my wrinkles and cellulite. Now if only everyone else in the world couldn’t see them either, I’d be happy.

  21. I once purposely walked around a big spider for three and a half days, until I finally noticed that it was a knot of black thread. Same problem, different reaction. You always make me laugh, Darla. Thank you.

    1. I still have the glasses I wore when I was five. I put them on the other day and amazingly they worked and I could see better. Granted, my face is a lot bigger now so I can only look through one lens at a time. But they’re still in style, very ugly and geeky.

  22. Oh, Dar, it’s been too long. Hemorrhoid cream…coat rack bitch session…oh my, too many that hit the funny nerve, each time I come back to comment (and I’ve been back many times, but been side-swiped each time).

    Every year my vision changes and I get to replace expensive bifocals (the progressive kind). This started back when I couldn’t pass the vision part of the drivers license renewal — when I turned 40. Do you know what my optometrist said when I asked how much longer I can expect this to happen a couple of weeks back? “It settles out sometime in your mid-50’s,” followed by a, “You could always just get a full lens replacement and be done with it.”

    Let me get this straight. It’s $500 every year for 10 more years, or a $5,000 one-time surgery. Hm…failing to find the bargain in either.

    So we laugh about it. What else CAN we do? I don’t know why this one didn’t get fresh pressed. It was (is?) seriously funny. I don’t know a mid-lifer who wouldn’t relate. Hope you’re well!

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