More Proof Celebrities Aren’t Like the Rest of Us

photo: Getty Images
photo: Getty Images

 

Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow have decided to “consciously uncouple” after 10 years of habitual coupling. Naturally, they’ve received a lot of flak concerning the hoity-toity New Age phrase they used to describe their divorce.

Personally, I totally dig the words they chose. It means they’re taking the more positive route, keeping things amicable.  It almost makes something that can be utterly devastating seem so….harmless, soft and fuzzy.

So I’ve decided to rename some things in my life:

Conscious Uncoupling = divorce

Unconscious Coupling = marriage

Cosmic Molecular Aligning = falling in love

Mutual Bodily Fluid Exchanging = sex

Regrettable Mutual Bodily Fluid Exchanging = one night stand

Regrettable Noxious Fumes Releasing = farting

Perpetual Oxygen/Carbon Dioxide Gas Exchanging = living

Life Form Liberating = childbirth

Earth Plane Entity Separating = death

Soul Modifying = death

Unconscious Unliving = death

Involuntary Career Exterminating = unemployment

Monetary Funds Relieving = paying bills

Nutritional Self-Sabotaging = diets

Voluntary Self-Esteem Annihilating = trying on swimsuits in a three-way mirror

Chronic Narcissistic Opinion Spewing = blogging

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Any more you care to add? Please let me know because like celebrities, I prefer to live in denial about most things.

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Congrats to the blog 1PointPerspective! He was randomly chosen to win the book The Humor Code from my giveaway last week. Hope you enjoy it, Dave!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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55 thoughts on “More Proof Celebrities Aren’t Like the Rest of Us

      1. Isn’t writing always about the writer? I thought that was the purpose of writing. “Letting inner demons out = writing” (or acting…….acting, writing almost interchangeable) But if it wasn’t for us writers, actors wouldn’t have a clue what to say. Matter of fact, I am wondering who wrote for Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow. They surely couldn’t have thought of “consciously uncouple” all on their own. Or maybe they did, no self respecting writer would lay claim to that one.

  1. Narcissistic Opinion Spewing about the Chronic Narcissistic Opinion Spewing – commenting on blogs.

    I’m always so pleased to see a post from you in my reader – they make Internal Burst With Noise (laugh or I guess that could be farting too.)

    1. Good ones. Today I’m going to do some “semiconscious information unloading”– I’m taking a huge medical clinical exam at 11 am. Maybe after another cup of coffee I’ll be more up to the level of “conscious” but we all can’t be Gwyneth Paltrow.

    1. Oh yes, emails. The pinnacle of unconscious unproductivity. Along with facebook. And Twitter. Also, texting, youtube…Pretty much 99% of all digital communication.

      I have to admit the unconscious coupling one for marriage was my favorite. I think most of us have to be at least almost completely unaware in order to agree to getting hitched.

  2. Conscious lightening of mood- what happens when I see that you’ve put out another blog! As for Gwyneth, oh well. The only rename I can think of is unconscious caloric intake- snacking! Hope school’s going ok.

  3. This one is SOOOOO true: Nutritional Self-Sabotaging = diets
    Let’s see, if this german can add to your list …

    conscious coupling time-sharing – cohabitating
    mutual food-hole closure – kissing
    selective audible breathing technique to express feeling of amusement – laughter

  4. Tyna S. Cline

    Conscious unconsciousness – dreaming
    Unconscious consciousness – drunkenness
    Conscious unconsciousness consciousness – dreaming while drunk
    Tongue challenged – trying to say all of the above, esp. when drunk

  5. I’m reminded of something my grandmother once said: “Ultimately, celebrities are just like the rest of us; they put their pants on one leg at a time.” Doesn’t stop them from using absurd terminology though. Hmm, I wonder what term they would use for “putting on pants”?

        1. I don’t want to use any images in my posts now. I do have ads at the bottom (and get paid peanuts) but those are a heckuva less intrusive (still ugly in some aspects but I gotta pay the rent at this here blog…)

  6. I bought her cookbook. it’s actually right next to me in my desk drawer as I flicked through it became write sick of her chatter. So I was trying to resell it but no takers.

    Maybe I’ll use your idea in the ebay ad:

    For Sale, one culinary edification compendium.

  7. This is one of the best examples of Chronic Narcissistic Opinion Spewing I’ve ever read. Except my experience with blogging also involves Voluntary Self-Esteem Annihilating.

    Celebrities are plastic people.

  8. What a great and uber clever way to spin ‘regret/tragedy/breakups’ – how about: regrouping into singles (useful for Common Core math lingo as well as breakups), think green and give back to mother earth (death), two much must divide (break ups)…as I continue I think I’m getting more lame, sorry, I tried – need that third cup of java 🙂
    AnnMarie

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