Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow have decided to “consciously uncouple” after 10 years of habitual coupling. Naturally, they’ve received a lot of flak concerning the hoity-toity New Age phrase they used to describe their divorce.
Personally, I totally dig the words they chose. It means they’re taking the more positive route, keeping things amicable. It almost makes something that can be utterly devastating seem so….harmless, soft and fuzzy.
So I’ve decided to rename some things in my life:
Conscious Uncoupling = divorce
Unconscious Coupling = marriage
Cosmic Molecular Aligning = falling in love
Mutual Bodily Fluid Exchanging = sex
Regrettable Mutual Bodily Fluid Exchanging = one night stand
Regrettable Noxious Fumes Releasing = farting
Perpetual Oxygen/Carbon Dioxide Gas Exchanging = living
Life Form Liberating = childbirth
Earth Plane Entity Separating = death
Soul Modifying = death
Unconscious Unliving = death
Involuntary Career Exterminating = unemployment
Monetary Funds Relieving = paying bills
Nutritional Self-Sabotaging = diets
Voluntary Self-Esteem Annihilating = trying on swimsuits in a three-way mirror
Chronic Narcissistic Opinion Spewing = blogging
Any more you care to add? Please let me know because like celebrities, I prefer to live in denial about most things.
Congrats to the blog 1PointPerspective! He was randomly chosen to win the book The Humor Code from my giveaway last week. Hope you enjoy it, Dave!