Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow have decided to “consciously uncouple” after 10 years of habitual coupling. Naturally, they’ve received a lot of flak concerning the hoity-toity New Age phrase they used to describe their divorce.
Personally, I totally dig the words they chose. It means they’re taking the more positive route, keeping things amicable. It almost makes something that can be utterly devastating seem so….harmless, soft and fuzzy.
So I’ve decided to rename some things in my life:
Conscious Uncoupling = divorce
Unconscious Coupling = marriage
Cosmic Molecular Aligning = falling in love
Mutual Bodily Fluid Exchanging = sex
Regrettable Mutual Bodily Fluid Exchanging = one night stand
Regrettable Noxious Fumes Releasing = farting
Perpetual Oxygen/Carbon Dioxide Gas Exchanging = living
Life Form Liberating = childbirth
Earth Plane Entity Separating = death
Soul Modifying = death
Unconscious Unliving = death
Involuntary Career Exterminating = unemployment
Monetary Funds Relieving = paying bills
Nutritional Self-Sabotaging = diets
Voluntary Self-Esteem Annihilating = trying on swimsuits in a three-way mirror
Chronic Narcissistic Opinion Spewing = blogging
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Any more you care to add? Please let me know because like celebrities, I prefer to live in denial about most things.
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Congrats to the blog 1PointPerspective! He was randomly chosen to win the book The Humor Code from my giveaway last week. Hope you enjoy it, Dave!
She's A Maineiac 
Chronic Narcissistic Opinion Spewing = blogging. Sigh. I don’t know which of those four words describes me best!
Well, I have the same problem. Because it’s all about me.
Isn’t writing always about the writer? I thought that was the purpose of writing. “Letting inner demons out = writing” (or acting…….acting, writing almost interchangeable) But if it wasn’t for us writers, actors wouldn’t have a clue what to say. Matter of fact, I am wondering who wrote for Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow. They surely couldn’t have thought of “consciously uncouple” all on their own. Or maybe they did, no self respecting writer would lay claim to that one.
Yup!
Dude, I don’t think I’m rich enough to use any of those terms… But I’m with Elyse on that last one, I think you just described the lot of us.
I’m much rather think of all of us as ‘writers’. We’re all “chronic semiconscious subconscious unloading”. It’s good therapy.
Yup.
Conscious Hilarity Appreciation = commenting on this post
And to that I’ll say to you I’m “semiconscious slightly caffeine-deprived comment appreciationing”.
You are too funny Darla. Thanks for the laugh.
Anytime! So happy you had a “semiconscious spontaneous chuckling”.
Narcissistic Opinion Spewing about the Chronic Narcissistic Opinion Spewing – commenting on blogs.
I’m always so pleased to see a post from you in my reader – they make Internal Burst With Noise (laugh or I guess that could be farting too.)
Well, I don’t know about you, but being narcissistic is what I do best, RP.
And your last comment had me consciously giggling.
Ha! This is awesome.
Unconscious Life-Draining Activity = work
Conscious Life-Disruptor = moving
Good ones. Today I’m going to do some “semiconscious information unloading”– I’m taking a huge medical clinical exam at 11 am. Maybe after another cup of coffee I’ll be more up to the level of “conscious” but we all can’t be Gwyneth Paltrow.
Subconscious lecherous fantasizing = thinking about a one night stand with Gwyneth Paltrow.
Hm….I can’t say as I have the same feeling toward Chris Martin. Although, I am very ashamed to admit I like Coldplay.
I was thinking more along the lines of hot play……….but enough about me……..
Unconscious coupling? Thanks for the chuckle to begin my day – I think I am going to get into some unconscious unproductivity = reading e-mails —- have a great day!
Oh yes, emails. The pinnacle of unconscious unproductivity. Along with facebook. And Twitter. Also, texting, youtube…Pretty much 99% of all digital communication.
I have to admit the unconscious coupling one for marriage was my favorite. I think most of us have to be at least almost completely unaware in order to agree to getting hitched.
semi-functional unconsiousness – anything that I get done in the morning before coffee. Reading your blog for instance, hilarious!
I have only had one cup of cold coffee so far. I’m surprised I managed to crank out a semiconscious post this morning.
Reblogged this on ugiridharaprasad.
These are great, Darla! I’ll add:
Conscious impulsive narcissistic random discharge = tweeting
enjoyment enhancement = reading your blog
A blast, as usual, Darla! I love the three definitions for death.
How about:
Semi-conscious Vehicle Avoidance = my morning commute
Conscious, Blindly Unconscious, Sunburnt Annoy-a-nator = my asshat redneck neighbor
(For more Chronic Narcissistic Opinion Spewing, er, shameless blog plugging, please follow link: http://judahfirst.wordpress.com/2014/03/20/wedding-venue-blues/) 😉
HILARIOUS! It reminds me of all the names “they” came up with to be politically correct..
Fabulously Creative Thought Recordings, Darla. Thanks! 🙂
Conscious lightening of mood- what happens when I see that you’ve put out another blog! As for Gwyneth, oh well. The only rename I can think of is unconscious caloric intake- snacking! Hope school’s going ok.
Awesome Darla!
Instant Waking = Coffee
This one is SOOOOO true: Nutritional Self-Sabotaging = diets
Let’s see, if this german can add to your list …
conscious coupling time-sharing – cohabitating
mutual food-hole closure – kissing
selective audible breathing technique to express feeling of amusement – laughter
Conscious unconsciousness – dreaming
Unconscious consciousness – drunkenness
Conscious unconsciousness consciousness – dreaming while drunk
Tongue challenged – trying to say all of the above, esp. when drunk
Conscious-Celebs-And-Their-terminonology-Are-They-For-Real? = Are they for real?
I’m trying to come up with a word for Gwyneth. What is the female WASP equivalent to douchebag?
These are teriffic. Only in Hollywood does Paltrow Pencil Neck = Beautiful
Apparently Random Assignment of Prizes to Follicularly Impaired Windbags = Picking ME to win the book, because you like me better than the other entrants. Yea Me!!
I’m reminded of something my grandmother once said: “Ultimately, celebrities are just like the rest of us; they put their pants on one leg at a time.” Doesn’t stop them from using absurd terminology though. Hmm, I wonder what term they would use for “putting on pants”?
I noticed something about your pic of the unhappy couple – so I wrote a post about it.
What the hell? That ad was NOT there this morning after I posted it! What is going on here??
Sorry to be the one to bring this to your attention, but thought you’d wanna know about it. You’re not alone, I saw the same thing on Blurt’s blog too.
I don’t want to use any images in my posts now. I do have ads at the bottom (and get paid peanuts) but those are a heckuva less intrusive (still ugly in some aspects but I gotta pay the rent at this here blog…)
I’m hoping there arent any ads on my drawings, but it’s hard to tell when I look at my own.
I was just there and I didn’t see any ads on your drawings.
Thank heavens! I mean, they’re classics and all…
I trust you got my address?
Yes! I just shot you an email. It’ll be shipped out later this week. Now you have something to read this weekend! I have textbooks to read. Booooooo
I bought her cookbook. it’s actually right next to me in my desk drawer as I flicked through it became write sick of her chatter. So I was trying to resell it but no takers.
Maybe I’ll use your idea in the ebay ad:
For Sale, one culinary edification compendium.
What happened to my grammar there…Maybe I shouldn’t mock her when I can barely string two words together 😀
Hilarious! Celebrities really are aliens, or perhaps, creatures uncoupled from reality.
‘Conscious uncoupling’ makes me consciously feel like barfing.
This is one of the best examples of Chronic Narcissistic Opinion Spewing I’ve ever read. Except my experience with blogging also involves Voluntary Self-Esteem Annihilating.
Celebrities are plastic people.
What a great and uber clever way to spin ‘regret/tragedy/breakups’ – how about: regrouping into singles (useful for Common Core math lingo as well as breakups), think green and give back to mother earth (death), two much must divide (break ups)…as I continue I think I’m getting more lame, sorry, I tried – need that third cup of java 🙂
AnnMarie
Voluntary Self-Esteem Annihilating = trying on swimsuits in a three-way mirror
Chronic Narcissistic Opinion Spewing = blogging
My two favorites, both so perfect.
temporary labor termination = vacation
profuse anatomical frame aqueous emission = sweating
nasal cacophony = snoring
nasal mucus emission = runny nose
do you mean conscious coupling = marriage?