Become a Blogger in 39 Easy Steps!

Hey kids! Want to become a blogger? It’s easy! Just do the following:

  1. Roll your eyes when blogger friend suggests you start a blog.
  2. Start blog.
  3. Write first post. Make sure it’s short and stupid because you’re certain no one will ever read it.
  4. Get two followers. Ego instantly inflates while at the same time you’re baffled someone willingly wants to read your writing.
  5. Write second post and this time make it way too long but still very stupid.
  6. No new followers. Tell yourself you don’t care. You’re writing for you, not them.
  7. Write third post, mention the Kardashians and add fun colorful images.
  8. Get first comment.
  9. Become obsessed with blogging.
  10. Write posts every other day.
  11. On the days you don’t write posts, think about brilliant ideas for posts.
  12. Think about dumb ideas for posts.
  13. Realize you have no way of differentiating what will be considered dumb or brilliant.
  14. Keep at least a dozen of the lamest posts half-finished in your draft folder in case of emergency.
  15. Write a post about writing or blogging.
  16. Get tons of new followers and more comments. Tell yourself you’re the best thing since microwaved pizza rolls.
  17. Tell spouse blogging will make you rich one day.
  18. Ignore work, chores, spouse, kids and hygiene so you can comment-bomb every blog on WordPress.
  19. Get to know a small circle of other bloggers in “real life”.
  20. Now blog only for the sense of community, not stats.
  21. Re-read older posts and think This is the worst shit I’ve ever read! I suck at writing! I’m a complete sham!
  22. Feel guilty.
  23. Wonder why people keep following blog.
  24. Wonder why you’re still not rich from blogging.
  25. Become jealous of the blogger who went “viral” with a half-assed post you could have written.
  26. Realize most of your followers never actually read anything you write.
  27. Start writing posts simply because you like to write.
  28. Tell yourself, screw the stats!
  29. Check stats.
  30. Weep.
  31. Tell yourself you’re done with blogging forever.
  32. Take blogging break.
  33. Wait for one week.
  34. Get a dumb idea for a post, like “Become a Blogger in 39 Easy Steps!”
  35. Write post because you have no choice, you need that fix.
  36. Hit publish button.
  37. Cry over your plate of microwaved pizza rolls.
  38. Wait for comments while telling yourself you don’t care and you’re done with blogging.
  39. Repeat steps 8 – 39.



184 thoughts on “Become a Blogger in 39 Easy Steps!

        1. Fearing to offend is such a chick thing, Hippie. You’re a bitch! Own it. (hope you’re feeling better soon. Thought of you in the shower yesterday and was extra EXTRA careful when putting my leg up onto the soapy window sill that’s about waist-high in my bathtub to shave my legs.)

      1. Hippie fell in her own bathtub and really hurt herself. She’s been on painkillers for weeks. Unless I dreamed that, which is really possible. (ps I rewrote “drempt, deampt, dreamed, dreampet, etc about 1000 times and nothing looked right. My brain is deteriorating at an alarming rate.)

  1. Most of this applies to me… except for the pizza rolls and any expectation of getting rich off of it. Thanks for the entertaining list!

    It took me awhile to realize the truth of #26. It baffles me. I guess they followed me so I’d return the favor and they’d get more followers? Which has no point if we are all following each other to increase stats but *not actually reading* each other… The strongly conservative anti-woman guy that followed me was truly confusing. Had he not read anything I wrote? I worried that he was waiting for an opportunity to flame me when my husband’s and my non-traditional gender roles became apparent. But… no worry. I’ve never heard from him again. He’s probably not reading me.

    So rest assured that this follower at least decided to follow you because she read some of your stuff, liked it, and wants to read what else you have to say. 🙂

    #14 is becoming scary by the way… Some of those drafts no longer make sense, they’ve sat there so long.

    1. I’ve been blogging almost 4 years and I’ve noticed something interesting: I still get the same exact number of “views” on a post now that I did when I had 200 followers. So the lesson here is numbers don’t mean jack. I write for a small crowd and that’s how I like it.

      1. “Yeah. Explain this WordPress: how can someone “like” my post before I’ve even finished clicking on the publish button?? (this has happened to me)”
        Time zone difference.

    1. Hell no! do not ever try one, Joe. Twinkies, yes. I had Twinkies for breakfast today. The problem with pizza rolls is if you don’t zap them properly, the outside will still be frozen but the inside like molten lava.

  2. 40. Do some lists posts, but then feel irritated when people comment “Ooh yes, numbers 7 and 12, but I don’t agree with 22, and what did you mean by number 34?” and you have to keep scrolling up and down to see what they’re talking about because you haven’t memorised the list order.

    1. Yes, exactly. I can barely remember to put pants on most days and I’m supposed to remember which number goes with which point? What, do people think I actually remember writing this stupid post over coffee at 5 am this morning?? I’m too senile! Who are you again?

  3. This is speaking truth to wisdom. Or something profound like that. Steps 35-38, it’s as if you looked into my very soul, Darlak the Magnificent. Except with jelly beans instead of pizza rolls. Cuz that’s how I do.

    1. Y’know….Easter is almost here and we all know what that means: Reese’s peanut butter eggs. Huzzahhhhh!!! Maybe I can drown my bloggy sorrows with a couple hundred of those little suckers…chocolate cures everything.

      1. I have fallen so far off my weight loss/health eating wagon that I already broke down most of a bag of Reese’s eggs. But they were little ones and had a totally different filling-chocolate ratio than the individually wrapped big ones. Stick with the bigger eggs.

    1. I knew I was a sad sad blogger the moment a few years ago when I actually had to stop in the middle of something, find a napkin and jot down a blog post idea with my kid’s crayons. It’s really a sickness with no cure.

  4. I, for one, believe stats are totally overrated. All of your readers who agree with me should leave a comment to that effect on my blog.

  5. Since this resonated so well with me (and many others based on the comments) does this mean all bloggers are the same? Do we need a support group? We could all snack on tear-stained pizza rolls.

      1. You live in Seattle right? Well, I plan on RV’ing across the country when I’m in my 80s and my final destination will be in Washington state. So all you have to do is keep blogging for about 40 more years and maybe we’ll meet.

  6. Could you imagine the comments if everyone who follows us read and actually had something to say about what we post? I mean, I really want to know what “Cuban Cuties” has to say about my work. And then, there are all those followers who want to tell me how to build a better blog, web presence or site. What do they REALLY think about my cute little story about pissing on a gnome?

  7. Deborah the Closet Monster

    I am so, so glad you wrote this. I feel somewhat less apt to ridicule myself now, seeing that it is not just me. 🙂

  8. I’d have to limit myself to just 10 items, obviously, but getting jealous of other bloggers will definitely make the list.
    Those microwave pizza rolls sound intriguing, I think I will need to research them for my next post.

  9. WHAT is this ego you speak of? OMG! Please come to my blog and give me comments so I can have one! 😀 I’m just kidding. Stay away! I don’t want ANYONE reading something I wrote on a public forum.

    But, seriously, not skimming your peeps. LOVED this post. You might have forgotten “add something to Pinterest and wonder why everyone doesn’t think you’re a genius and why they haven’t repinned all your genius 150k times in the 5 minutes since you posted it.” Slackers.

  10. Reblogged this on Properly Ridiculous and commented:
    This is … by far … the most accurate thing I have read in at least a week. This girl is hilarious. Read this – and then read more.
    “Become A Blogger In 29 Easy Steps!”
    Read it… now. You’ll think it’s funny; I’m at leeeast 92% sure anyway & that’s a pretty good stat.

  11. sagedoyle

    My favorite which I find to be all too accurate is #26. But keep in mind I actually read at least that far to see it.

  12. Well, could about the best post I have read in ages. Thanks for peeling back all my secrets to expose the rancid, rotting onion I really am, and then for promptly hurling me into the compost pile. By which I mean this is brutally honest and I identify with pretty much all of it, and I laughed at my own stupidity and lameness as I was going through this. I think you may have just written The Ballad of the Blogger. Now we need to find someone to put this to music, cut a video, and get this out there. Viral status guaranteed (not that that matters, hey come on now…).

    1. Haha! Love the rotting onion image you conjured up. You always leave the best comments.

      Well, this isn’t the first time I’ve written about my life as a sad obsessed blogger and it won’t be the last. The tragic thing is I’ve gone though all these steps countless times over my four years blogging and I’m not sure I’ll ever get off the rollercoaster. I love to write too much.

      1. It is an interesting topic, isn’t it? Blogging is like a thing, a way of life, and I guess we like to write about it to understand what it really is. But I haven’t seen as much insight and humour on the topic as you’ve got here – cheers.

  13. you hit the nail on the head. i missed the amazing 3rd post tactic of kardashian pics. So that’s where I’ve gone wrong. A new resolution (although I’m not sure I could ever return to my blog if I stooped to Kardashian level of Klass!)

  14. Think you missed out wake up in night with good idea, write it down on pad beside bed, find it is illegible or total nonsense in morning. Then again, that could just be me. 🙂

    1. Oh, yeah, I’ve done that before too. A few years ago I was writing 3 posts a week and would actually keep a notebook full of half-asleep nonsensical chicken-scratches from the night before. I would still post them of course and no one ever noticed the difference.

  15. Follower numbers don’t mean much. If they do, then I’m a fairly big deal amongst retailers in India. I’ve landed on your site so many times, I thought I WAS following you. (Now I am, like, “officially” a follower… are there t-shirts?) I like the page view numbers better, too. I saw on Twitter recently, “‘Read my blog’ is the new ‘drive me to the airport.'” I’ll always find it a tad embarrassing. I can’t even call it “blogging.” Blogging sounds like a lawn game with played with heavy objects. But then I get a “like” and I’m the queen of the universe again.

    1. It is a bit embarrassing to tell people I’m a blogger. People who’ve never blogged will never understand my drive to post drivel week after week. It does sound like a lawn game. To me, the word “blogging” sounds like a symptom of some disease. “Oh, poor thing! she’s been blogging for hours”.

    1. The thing about 13–the posts I spend the most time on and I’m the most proud of get the least views while the ones that I write half-asleep in five minutes (like this post) get lots of love. So it’s not about what’s “good” just what’s the most relatable to a wide audience.

      Happy Easter to you too!

      1. This is how I feel about #13, too, which is: “Realize you have no way of differentiating what will be considered dumb or brilliant.” I’ve given up trying to guess what the response will be and just try to create something I’m proud of. If you build it, they will come. ??? 😉

  16. I kinda thought I was at least the best thing since Words with Friends…but I have an elevated sense of self-worth. Now I just cry into my PBR, wishing I had some pizza rolls…while playing WWF. Sigh…

  17. Yup – you hit the nail on the head, or squashed the molten lava out of the pizza roll all over your hand. I haven’t gotten nearly as far on your list of bloggy adventures, because, I’ve yet to do so this year. Thought of it many times. Have many good ideas. Must start soon so I can experience the 39 Steps – also the title to an obscure Alfred Hitchcock film. Carry on. 🙂

    1. I think now’s the right time to ask you 1) where have you been? and 2) why don’t you blog more?

      I mean, c’mon, Peg will tell you it’s quite the time-suck and also pays huge amounts of zilch. What more do you need??

      And have a Happy Easter!

  18. This reminds me of something I posted on Facebook last year:
    My blog writing process:
    1. Procrastinate for a few months
    2. Realize you’re way behind
    3. Sift through the 3,000+ pics you’ve taken since your last update
    4. Crank out a half dozen posts, heavy on the pictures, with appropriate commentary and anecdotes
    5. Repeat

  19. Okay, Think I got it.
    I’ve got some of the earlier steps out of the way, improvised some of my own (as newbies will do, not knowing any better and being too pathologically self-assured to heed the advice of more experienced scribes) and so far you’re right on target.
    Of course, I was forced into retirement a few years earlier than I anticipated so I have all the time in the world to become both obsessed with and dependent upon blogging. The only “co-pay” I have is once a year, so it’s cheaper than therapy, and seeing as how my wife is also medically retired and wants me to visit with her more often and watch “Ellen” with her (which I do every day. Does that make me a closet lesbian?) I have to delude both her and me that I will some day get rich off of all of this.
    Seeing as how you are a Maineiac, I already have a soft spot in my heart for you. I have a deep affinity and empathy for those who can be creatively and outrageously loopy AND be willing to stand up tall and announce it to the world.
    I also have more than enough time to read a bunch, so give it a few days for me to poke around a little bit more and I’ll likely have even more reasons to follow your blog than I already do.
    After all, the more you write and the more I read of it, the better I get to know you.
    And it seems like even half-way through the list above, you seem to know me very,very well.

    Great post. Thanks for the smiles, the comforting assurance and somewhat trepidatious encouragement.

    1. I’m outrageously loopy and willing to announce it to the world? That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. I suppose it’s true. I’m a Mainer and we all have a kind of “I don’t give a rat’s ass what you think about me” attitude. It serves me well in my middle-age.

      1. A dear friend from years back who left Jersey to move to Colorado with me (so we’re talking forty-two years) was a Maineiac by nature, a Jersey boy by geographical limitations. His family had a house up on Gotts Island (spelling???) by Bass Harbor where they would spend summers, and I think Bryan’s soul stayed there over the winters.
        It moved west with the two of us.
        After hearing some of his Maine stories, I started to think maybe we should have moved north.

        Digging deeper into your blog, thoroughly enjoying the ride. I’m getting more posts completed to my nit-picky satisfaction, hope you’re check in every now and then.

        Take care, and for your own well-being, steer clear of Derry.

        Best wishes,

  20. singleworkingmomswm

    And, see, now you made me want frozen pizza rolls! Oh, how I’ve missed you! (Been sick, sad, and otherwise detained, but back on track now, lol.) XOXO-Kasey

  21. Enjoyed reading your post. I’ve past the third post point and was wondering why I haven’t achieved success until I realized i still need to write a post on the Kardashians. Wow am I glad I stopped by, It looks like I have a long road ahead of me…

  22. myhomeintoronto

    I’m taking your advice :
    #18 Ignore work, chores, spouse, kids and hygiene so you can comment-bomb every blog on WordPress
    But also assisting you…

    #16 Get tons of new followers and more comments. Tell yourself you’re the best thing since microwaved pizza rolls.

    It’s a win-win for us both, really.

  23. about100percent

    Yep. 39 steps is all it takes. I would substitute the weeping over stats with bashing my head on the computer over them, but that’s just me.

  24. I’m crying with laughter. I think. Maybe I’m crying from blogger recognition. Either way, it’s good to know it’s a party of sorts that we have all joined.

  25. Ok, so I’ve now laid here and binge read your whole blog almost! You, my friend, are hilarious! This post especially resonated with me, it’s so true! I’m a start up blogger, just a newbie…but I can totally relate to this, great job! Thanks for having the mind you have!

  26. Pingback: Saying hello to my neighbo(u)rs – Blogging 101, day 3 | mamaduckdk

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