Phone Calls

Talking to a young child on the phone is an exercise in patience. The endless grueling-marathon kind of exercise that gets you nowhere fast and ends with you repeatedly jamming your smart phone into your eye socket.

Yesterday I was out on errands and needed to pick up a prescription at the pharmacy for my husband. There was confusion about a refill so I had to call him on my cell phone immediately to clear things up.

Unfortunately, my 11-year-old son answered.

For some reason whenever he talks on the phone he morphs into a hyped-up sugar-crazed maniac who has forgotten he should adjust his voice on the phone to lower then 10,000 decibels.

Him: HELLO?

Me: Hey, is Daddy there?

Him: [shouting] HELLO!

Me: Is Daddy right there? Can you put him on the phone?

Him: HI! [giggling]

Me: Is Daddy th-

Him: HI MOM! [hysterical laughing]

Me: [looking down at cell phone] Who IS this?

Him: CANDY!

Me: Put. Daddy. On. The. Phone.

Him: CANDY!

Me: What?

Him: Are you getting us candy?

Me: What? No.

Him: CANDY!

Me: No! No candy! Will you hand the phone to Daddy now?

[handing phone over, more giggling in background]

[my seven-year-old daughter breathing heavy into phone]

Her: [yelling at the top of her lungs] I LIKE SKITTLES!

Hmm…perhaps I should take the kids on a fun little visit to the ear doctor tomorrow.

Me: Give the phone to Daddy.

Her: DID YOU GET US CANDY?

…and apparently both my kids are hopeless junkies and all that sugar has eaten away every functioning neuron in their brains.

Me: Give the phone to Daddy.

Her: You’re at the store getting us candy now, right?

What do they think I spend all my free time buying candy? That mom just lives in the pharmacy’s candy aisle? “Okay, kids! Mommy’s heading out now to camp out on that little cot next to the Snickers bars, just waiting for you to tell me what kind of candy you want!”

Me: Give the phone to Daddy. To Daddy. The phone. To Daddy. GivethephonetodaddyGivethephonetodaddyGivethephonetodaddy.

Her: [yelling] I LIKE SKITTLES!

Phone hangs up.

Well, I guess my husband will just have to do without his blood pressure pills. I’ll just replace them with Skittles, I’m sure it won’t be a problem.

 

 

 

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57 thoughts on “Phone Calls

  1. May I recommend you also visit the adult candy department while you’re there. I believe you’ll find it’s labeled Prozac or Xanax or something like that.

  2. One track minds! I’m sure skittles cure a multitude of ailments, so your husband should be a-ok.

    I remember hating to talk on the phone when I was a kid. And then I turned 14.

  3. LOL………..oh kids and phones! What a hoot! My grandkids fight over who is going to answer the phone then usually hang it up by accident (in SPITE of the numerous lessons I have given ….press this button when you pick up and do not press this button until you hang up) I will call their mother to see what time she is picking them up and if I need to fix them supper and the 3 year old has to talk to mom. Even though I tell them all……….ask your mom what time she is coming, they hang up when they are done, leave the 3 year old in tears because HE wanted to hang up and when I ask “what time is mom coming?” I get a blank face look and an idiot stare. It made me feel SO much better to know that other people’s children exhibit similar behavior. I was worried we were raising a pack of fools here! LOL

  4. Ha! Loved this. Well, loved that it happened to you and I could read about it. Hate when it happens to me and I’m too annoyed to write about it. Hope you at least picked your hubs up a butterfinger. Thanks for posting!

  5. Holy cow. Sounds like while you were out, your husband was feeding them candy non-stop! My convos with the kids on the phone is more like trying to drag words out of quicksand. I ask questions and get one word answers or grunts. It’s scintillating. I tend to suspect that their attention may not always be on their doting mother calling to check on them, but instead on some type of video game character or movie.

    1. I think the problem was we just had Easter baskets and it’s all about the candy now. My son normally doesn’t say much to me anymore so for him to yell CANDY and giggle a lot was a breakthrough in communication.

  6. Oh, Lord! LOL. Kids have no sense whatsoever of urgency. I think we damaged them by always sugar-coating (pun intended) things so that they never see us really freak out! I remember being in the emergency room with heart problems and my son asking me on the phone where the Dunking Donut munchkins were. AY! 🙂

  7. 😆
    Aren’t kids just so darn cute? Is cute the right word? 😉 I can see you need the patience of a saint to deal with children. I am famously very UN-patient. My poor future kids will feel my wrath…

  8. Talking to my niece and nephew used to be equally frustrating. The problem was exactly the opposite though. Looooong stretches of silence, punctuated by a hang up.

    Hello? So how’s school?
    *silence*
    Did your team win the soccer tournament?
    *silence*
    I hear you’re going camping this weekend. That sounds like fun.
    *silence*
    Anyone there? Hello? Kids, I know you’re there.
    *click*

  9. You may need blood pressure pills with more phone calls like that. So funny. Sounds like they already had their candy. My kids are terrible on the phone but it’s the opposite. I can’t hear them at all.

  10. Skittles would help my BP, too. Unless I had to share them with two kids. Then it would probably skyrocket.

    But Darla? It won’t get any better as they age.

  11. Just think, in a few more years your phone bill will sky rocket as they not only learn to carry on long meaningless conversations but text at the same time, not with you though. You will look back on these conversations with a degree of nostalgia. I know, weird right?

    In the meantime, I am certain chocolate will cure what ails both you and your husband.

  12. Ha – you know, this is exactly the type of stuff that I find hilarious and cute, but if it was my kids doing this to me, I’d be hollering and likely give them a hard time when I got home. I love kids.

  13. See, this is really your husband’s fault. You should definitely replace the BP medication with Skittles as punishment for him even allowing your children to answer the phone in the first place. If you really want to kill him after that, just have him leave the house, call home, and have to talk to your kids. This should solve most of your problems, Xanax-free. 😉

  14. The sad thing is we get just like that when we’re old too. Some of the conversations I’ve had with deaf elderly people recently are almost exactly the same except for the candy.

  15. I’m on a business trip right now and was just commenting to someone that my 13 year old daughter is becoming pleasant to talk to on the phone now. My conversations with my 10 and 5 year old sons are awkward with lots of long pauses and brief one word answers. Plus, their voices are hard to understand. I swear they soften their voices on the phone. I love my kids but I’d just as soon *not* talk to them on the phone. It’s quite frustrating.

    Oh, I also love it when they say, “Okay, bye, Mommy” and then head off with the phone no longer at their ear and me wondering if they are planning to hang up or hand it off to someone else.

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