Unexplained Mysteries of My Universe (Part 3)

∗ Why is it that I can go on errands for the entire morning, spending hours out in public, then later that day as I’m going on my walk I suddenly think,
Holy shit — did I remember to put on my pants today?

Then I look down to check.

So for a split second it’s this insane moment of panic. Like maybe I woke up, took a shower, got dressed, put on makeup, got the kids ready for school and rushed out the door with no pants on. (I always remember my shoes, of course. Because if I didn’t that would just be crazy.)

But if in fact I actually did forget to wear pants that day, wouldn’t the draft tip me off? Or the reactions of horror from all those people at Home Depot?

I fear how senile I’ll be once I’m in my 80s.  That old lady in the power tool aisle wearing only slippers? It’s probably me. You’ve been warned.

∗ Why is the veggie drawer at the bottom of my fridge? Surely I’m not expected to expend the energy required to bend down to get my vegetables. It’s bad enough I have to remember to eat the vile things.

Not worth it.
Not worth it.

And the stuff in the crisper never stays fresh. Do they call it a ‘crisper’ because it shrivels and turns black the second I shove it in there? Let’s cut to the chase and call it “The Drawer of Decay”. I basically have to eat that entire head of arugula while I’m walking from the grocery store to my car or it’s as good as rotted.

This is why I don’t eat enough veggies.  Because I’m not quick enough. And I lack the adequate abdominal strength to bend that far down.

“Oh, really? You want me to cook some of the zucchini? Oh well, you obviously have forgotten I have no ab muscles to speak of.  Yeah, it’s just a big bag of marshmallow fluff between my ribcage and my hips. It’s useless. Hell I can barely reach over to grab that cream cheese and bacon and you expect me to do calisthenics to get to some zucchini?”

I suppose if I have to eat this crap I might as well make it more accessible. I think I’m going to rig it so when I open up the fridge stalks of broccoli instantly shoot into my face from a cannon. Then I might be willing to eat them more.

Probably not.

∗ As every parent knows, when your kids are quiet something’s up and it’s usually not good. I used to panic when it was quiet, but my kids are a bit older now and I wonder why I’m so much lazier with my panicking. I do half-assed panicking: a lot of worrying, but no action.

I think,  Are they okay? Are they still alive? Maybe not, maybe something happened. And here’s the worst part: I wait. I listen. Sometimes for a long long time to see if the silence lasts.

My kids might be in trouble and I actually choose my own selfish craving for quiet over possibly rescuing them from harm. What if they’re up on the roof? What if they took my car for a joy ride? I should be finding out, right? I shouldn’t still be lying here on this couch like a slob. Because that would be wrong.

I really should put this book down.
I really should put this book down.

So after about 20 minutes or an hour or three I get up to find out if they’re okay and always find them listening to music on their headphones in their bedrooms.

Still — I probably should have gotten up off the couch at least by the 30 minute mark. This is when the mommy guilt comes and I end up sticking my face in front of my broccoli cannon for punishment.

∗ Why is it we actually have the ability to replace our body’s entire skeleton every ten years, and renew all of our skin every 28 days, yet my cellulite never goes away?

∗ What is up with my 7-year-old daughter’s hair? It’s got a mind of its own.  I shampoo, condition, comb, brush and prune it. I pull it back in a pony tail, I braid it,  I shellac it with Spackle and various plastic polymers. Yet within seconds it’s back to looking like a big pile of tumble weeds.  And brushing out the tangles? Pure hell. Combing out her hair is like pulling thorns out of a lion’s paw.

Of course, I’ve tried letting her brush it herself and she does a great job. At brushing only the parts she sees in the mirror. So her front is perfect but the back would make a cozy nest for an entire family of rats.

When I tell her this, she shrugs and says, “But I can’t see the back!” So in her mind no one else can, either.

If only I could apply this logic to my gigantic, pantsless, bacon-fed, cellulite-riddled ass.




90 thoughts on “Unexplained Mysteries of My Universe (Part 3)

  1. The tipping point of the mommy guilt window does tend to shift. Now that my son is grown and living in Hawaii, it’s shifted to a few weeks. When the moment strikes, I start reviewing the past few weeks of headlines in my head to remember whether there were any tsunamis or Japanese invasions. Then I. . . oh, wait.

    Please excuse me. I should go put on some pants.

    P.S. I found this via Twitter. You’re not showing up in my reader. It says I’m following you, though. ?!?!?!

    1. You have a son in Hawaii? Why are you not living above his garage? (I ask not so you can keep tabs on him but just so you can live in Hawaii, it’s my lifelong dream)

      Not showing up in your reader? Gasp! WordPress is broke again. Sigh.

  2. The problem in my house with the quiet is that I KNOW that both of my kids are completely engrossed in some type of portable electronic device playing games, so I can only wait so long before I have to step in to make them do something more productive. Really cuts into my reading and not-guilty time.

    1. Right, how dare our kids do something unproductive like play video games when I’m sitting out on the couch trying to enjoy the silence by reading a magazine article about Beyoncé’s latest haircut?

  3. I love not having to check on the kid every three seconds, or even ten minutes, now that he’s older. Pretty soon, he’ll be driving to the store to get me my zucchini. And you can bet he’ll remember to put his pants on.

    1. I still have to check on my girl as she’s only 7 and perfectly capable of doing things like emptying out my husband’s shaving cream by spraying it all over every single Barbie she owns then filling up every single bowl in the house with foamy water so they can all go “hot-tubbing”, then putting the bowl in the freezer to make Barbie popsicles and leaving the ice cream out on the counter in the process.

  4. Pingback: Unexplained Mysteries of My Universe (Part 3) | ugiridharaprasad

  5. That’s a good point about the veggie drawer. And even worse is mine, which is blocked from opening all the way by the door of the fridge, so you can only wedge things in or out of the partially open drawer. I think there are some rotten limes and I don’t even know what else in there now. It’s kind of too much trouble to check.

    1. Yeah, my crisper is even more worthless because it barely opens up all the way. I’m not sure why it’s broken. Probably because of that time I crammed celery down in there and it got stuck and I ended up screaming and swearing and kicking it. God, veggies make me so angry.

  6. My two are allowed to be quiet a lot without me worrying now that they are 15 and 12, it’s normal for them to be in their room doing something quiet. My equivalent now is if they are out and I text them, and they don’t reply, then a bit later I phone them, and they don’t reply, and I know that probably they’re just not checking their phone, but then I think “But what if something’s wrong and I’m not doing anything about it?!” and I can’t decide at what point I need to actually haul my ass into gear and go out on to the streets looking for them!

    1. How long do you wait? See, this is why I dread the day my son gets his own phone or starts texting. I dread the day I start texting. My thumbs are about as useless as my abs at this point.

  7. I have one piece of advice that someone gave me many years ago and it’s done me good.
    Invest in a good pair of sunglasses.

    You’ll look cool. Everything looks better in low light, including yourself when you look in the mirror. And when you do realize you’ve left the house sans pants, people won’t be able to see the panicked look in your eye.

    Finally, I had a dog once who thought if he put his head under the sofa and he couldn’t see you, you couldn’t see him. I live my life by that dog’s tale.

    1. My kids do that when playing hide and seek. My daughter will hide partly behind the sofa but close her eyes and giggle because obviously I can’t see her GIANT HEAD sticking out when her eyes are closed.

  8. Hey, I have the same question about cellulite. If you figure that one out, PLEASE let me know! And the crisper? Crisp? I think not. And the bending? Don’t EVEN get me started!

    Hugs from Ecuador,

  9. Greens? What is that? Alien stuff, isn’t it? The dentist used some on my teeth this morning to clean them – and told me to get it out very, very thoroughly – so I suppose it is not good for you!
    *just kidding, love veggies – just too lazy to prepare them .. sigh*

    1. Isn’t that what the crisper is really for? Beer has to have the perfect humidity. Sometimes on the weekend I’ll find a case of beer down in the crisper and it feels just like Christmas morning to me. And all is right with the world again.

  10. So I am not making this up. I don’t want to scare you or anything, but I have to tell this story. I was on the phone with my YOUNGER sister last January and she was complaining about how cold her house felt even though she had turned the heat up pretty high. We kept on chatting until she suddenly said, “Holy Shit. I forgot to put on pants!”
    Its all been downhill since then.
    On the plus side, she’s too addled to worry about her kids any more!

    1. The problem with the cannon is I might either a) choke to death OR b) not choke to death but end up eating broccoli. It’s a tough decision. I think I’ll pass on the cannon for now and just choose not to eat broccoli.

      1. May I humbly suggest kale shakes? As someone who would honestly prefer to stick pins in my eyeballs than eat kale, I can tell you that when you shove kale into a blender with vanilla soy milk, blueberries, a banana and 3,000 m&m’s, it makes a very tasty breakfast shake.

  11. Darla, you do have a way with words: “The Drawer of Decay” sums it up completely. Mine have humidity controls on them and I have never figured out whether they need lots of humidity or little humidity or which veggie goes where.

    My son is awfully quiet today too. That is likely because he is working here with me in my office and if he doesn’t make any noise nobody will remember to make him work and he’ll still get paid.

    1. I actually tried doing research on how high or low the humidity should be for fruits and veggies in the fridge but during the few seconds it took to go on the internet all my groceries rotted.

      And about your son and his job — are you hiring? ’cause I happen to be looking for a highly paid job where I don’t have to do any work.

  12. If my dog Reggie is too quiet, I know immediately something’s up. He’s probably drinking out of the toilet bowl or eating from the garbage can. Interesting how this applies to both kids and dogs. Well, not the toilet bowl or the garbage can part, though I guess this depends on the kids in question.

  13. I have yet to forget my pants or worry that I forgot them, but I do tend to freak out and wonder if I remembered deodorant. No doubt I’ll progress to pants in a couple of years…
    And you’re right about the crisper; ours certainly does a number on lettuce. It is, however, kinder to the zucchini.

    1. Most days I figure I’m doing well as long as I remember to put on a shirt.

      The biggest problem I have is scraping all the petrified lettuce off the sides of the drawer, along with all those ratty onion peels. I should just call my crisper the compost heap.

    1. And I get so smug whenever I buy vegetables. Like this counts as eating healthy. Like just the fact I bought them and threw them down in a drawer is good enough when I know full well my chances of eating any of it are slim.

  14. Why you no wear pants? And did you know my middle name is Pants? That’s right, Trent P. Lewin. Also, have you ever left your pants in the veggie draw? That would be the worst.

  15. I do that half-panicking thing too. When the guilt gets to be too much, I scream their names at the top of my lungs, and then listen for footsteps or a shout back. Then I can say “never mind,” relieved, while they shake their heads at my impending senility

  16. Ok thanks for the laugh if felt good, next I have never left the house without pants although I did run outside without a shirt once just had on my bra so not naked and it was during the earthquake so Tim forgave me for not putting a shirt on

  17. The pants panic. Every time I go to the pool or the beach, before I take off my cover-up, I check to make sure that in fact I do have my bathing suit on and not just my underwear (this happened to someone I know). And I am with Sandy Sue’s logic!

  18. I feel like you just uncovered the secret to the freshest veggies–eating them in the grocery store parking lot. That way you never have to put them in the crisper and have more room for beer.

    I laughed my cellulite off with this one, D!

  19. Hi Darla!! I have somehow missed some of your earlier posts! The horror!!! Glad I read this one because I so missed your humor! Every single word in this post is hilarious. The crisper drawer in the fridge really got me! It’s sooooo true!! The broccoli needing to come shooting out of a cannon – LOL!! For that very reason, I got a new fridge with the freezer at the bottom and the crisper at my boobs level. Sad to say I still don’t open it up enough or on time. 🙂

    1. You’ve missed my earlier posts??!!! What the frig? Well, I’m glad you stopped by for this one. I will try to put my crisper at boob level too, but that would mean it’d still be too low for me to reach.

  20. singleworkingmomswm

    Oh my gosh, I laughed so hard at this one. The “broccoli cannon”! Hahahahaha! And, Maycee used to do the same thing with her hair! She’d pull it over her shoulder and brush the dickens out of the lower strands of hair, and she’d brush them really fast as if that made it look better, and then leave the rest in a bit knot. When I’d go to put it up for her, I couldn’t get the brush through the upper part and she’d scream and holler at me, “MOM, YOU’RE HURTING ME!!!!” There are blessings as they grow….like the fact that she brushes her whole head of hair AND puts it up herself now! Anyhow, super fun post, Darla! 😉 XOXO-Kasey

  21. I’ve always considered crispers as the “appendix” of appliances. Useless and should be surgically removed before they cause severe pain to the abdominals.

  22. As imply kids are now grown up I’d really rather not know what they’re up to! I get the pants thing though, I have those kind of moments and I will be there with you in my slippers in a few years I’m sure 🙂

  23. emisformaker

    Amid the giggles, I feel a pedantic need to point out that few, if any, veggies belong in a crisper drawer, and that certain ones need to cohabit with their own kind (leafies vs roots). I put citrus in the door cubby, cleaned lettuce in a ventilated plastic bag, carrots and celery cleaned and cut in tubs of water (for easier consumption), and sweet onions (the only kind that need refrigeration) away from everything else – they give off gases that cause spoilage. I also try my darndest to avoid veg that needs a lot of prep and/or cooking, especially in summertime. All I can say is, the more veg you eat, the better they taste. You will know you’ve reached that point when you catch yourself craving celery sticks sans peanut butter.
    Also, tomatoes at room temp. Who knew?

    1. I had no idea about the onions. Wow, so they basically just kill off everything else? Interesting. Of course, this doesn’t mean I’ll actually take them out of the veggie drawer just that I find that interesting. (seriously though, I love veggies and didn’t know about the tomatoes, either!)

  24. If you find any answers to these mysteries, be sure to let me know.

    And the broccoli cannon? That would SO be a money -maker. Seriously. Let’s get that into production. (With an M&M optional attachment, of course.)

    Sorry I have been swamped with real life and have been MIA. Hope all is great with your learned, summer vaca self.

Tell me about it.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s