Bringing you news that’s never perfectly ripe, hard to crack open, and filled with green slime.
Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence reportedly broke up, calling off their relationship after four months. Jennifer revealed she’s looking for a man who can be himself, someone who “isn’t afraid to fart in front of me.” Coincidentally, the dating website eHarmony was temporarily shutdown when 4.2 billion men sent Jennifer Lawrence requests.
A nurse who was quarantined in New Jersey after returning from ebola-ravaged West Africa has been released after she complained of the poor conditions she suffered during her involuntary 24 hour stay. Apparently, she was forced to sit in a tent with no access to technology, using only a box for a toilet. She’s currently on her way to Fort Kent, Maine where the conditions will be exactly the same.
A woman in Portland, Oregon may have a new Guinness World Record after she ran a 10k in 38:15 while pushing, in her own words, a “rent-a-baby” in a stroller, borrowing a friend’s baby in order to complete the race. Officials are still determining whether she was overtaken at the finish line by Hank Peterson, who was following close behind pushing an unpaid rotisserie chicken in a Walmart shopping cart.
Parents were greeted by police after their two-year-old had several tantrums on board a flight from Dominican Republic to St. Louis. Flight attendants stated the child was crying and not willing to stay seated. No word yet on how airlines will continue to crack down on this epidemic of completely normal toddler behavior.
Coffee giant Starbucks has decided to put an end to giving unhappy customers free coffee at their next visit, instead offering a four dollar discount, bringing the cost of a tall coffee down to a more reasonable nine hundred and ninety-six dollars. Yet there is still no confirmation Starbucks will ever make those customers truly happy simply by changing their patented “burnt diesel fuel and ass” recipe.
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She's A Maineiac 
I love them all. You should go into the news biz. Give John Oliver a run for his money.
I’d like some of his money for sure. Thanks for the compliment!
All the news that’s fit to read, folks, right here on MCN. (That’s Maineiac Comedy Network) Thanks for the fair and balanced reporting, Darla.
[in my best James Earl Jones voice] This is MCN.
[in my most outrageous cackle] LOL
You are hilarious! If the news media could ever actually report like this, I might watch. 🙂
Me too, this is why I get my news only from Saturday Night Live updates.
My husband and I would watch SNL except he can’t stand it that every 10 minutes there are men kissing… 😦
Reblogged this on ugiridharaprasad.
What is a rent-a-baby?!
I’ll link the article….she didn’t have her own baby to push so she borrowed a friend’s baby. The article I read called it a “rent-a-baby”
http://www.runnersworld.com/general-interest/julia-webb-runs-3815-10k-while-pushing-a-stroller?page=single
The Avacado, a perfect description and we love it anyway – especially all mashed up as guacamole
I was originally calling this The Avocado but I’m certain there’s probably another website out there with that title…I could be wrong…either way, rotten or not, I’ll eat it.
OMG, these are HILARIOUS! Thanks for the laughs – I really needed them. 🙂
yay! you’re welcome, I just reread them now and I wish they were funnier but I wrote it at 7:30 this morning…
These are fantabulous, it is a measure of your genius, both in selecting the things to report on, and writing about them, that in most of those stories it is hard to clearly find the line where the real bit ends and your addition starts. Nice work, have a bonus.
Thanks, V! Sad part is, almost all of what I wrote is factual. Especially Starbucks tasting like diesel fuel.
Starbucks does taste like diesel fuel. But I can’t stop drinking it. In other news, I heard that “Cake was left out in a break room without instructions.” Employees confirmed there was no message on it. Forks were left out but no paper plates. An easy solution–Post it note that says “Okay to eat.” These babies solve everything.
Looking forward to more Rotten Avocado updates!!
I’ll buy a Starbucks here and there because I always forget how much I hate it. Cinnamon latte is okay though.
Spot on. Every. Single. One. As Anka said, I see a series in the offing.
Thanks, Elyse. I would love to write more fake news but it was way too depressing for me to wade through all the real news!
True. Even I have less patience with it. Especially since I saw a headline yesterday that Le Page has a double-digit lead!
Ugh! I know! Cutler has managed to steal the votes away AGAIN. My mom and I have decided to move to Canada for the next four years. I mean, he’s actually probably the worst governor in the history of Maine if not the universe. I would rather vote for Stephen King a this point (I’m writing a blog post about this tomorrow….)
Is this a new news channel? I think I’ll be tuning in from now on. Yours is soooo much better than the alternatives. Cheers, Darla!
happy you enjoyed it, Shan!
Maybe this is why I’ve given up on dating….I’m one of “those women” who honestly NEVER wants to find a man who “isn’t afraid to fart in front of me”. Ew, gross. Of course, most men will do this on command-so not really sure where she’s been looking. Skip E-Harmony and go straight to Match, Jennifer; they’ll even let you trim their ear hairs and belch in front of you, too. 😉 Great fun, Darla! Whoop, whoop! XOXO-Kasey
Methinks J. Law is really saying she herself likes to fart in front of men, I don’t know why she didn’t just come right out and admit that.
I know, right?
OK, I know that’s perfectly normal toddler behavior, but did you note the flight – from another country all the way to St. Louis? Like 24 hours stuck in a flying tin can with somebody ELSE’S screaming toddler? The police were probably called to haul away all the passengers who beat up the kid’s parents.
I’ll take my news from Darlacado over the networks any day.
Good point. But a flight that long will drive most people crazy, let alone a toddler. And if a toddler can’t have a tantrum, what’s next? Calling the cops just because I like to run up and down the aisle naked and screaming expletives?
No, that seems perfectly reasonable behavior to me.
Another celeb couple broke up??? Makes me believe in love a little less.
And with a nickname like “Martin Lawrence”, I really thought those two crazy kids would make it.
And after 4, whole months. That’s like a golden wedding anniversary in Hollywood years!
Brilliant. I will henceforth get my news from this network alone and none other.
I doth decree that thou shall.
forsooth (that doesn’t mean anything. I’m stalking you.)
Wherefore forethou perchance?
To be or not to be, that is the question. Whether tis nobler…
Awesome. I had boycotted all news outlets until I stumbled upon this gem. 🙂
Have I told you lately that I love you?
Love you too, Katy. Soooooo good to hear from you!
Hey, Miss Katy, how ARE you?
Amen, Amen, Amen! Preach it, sistah!
Bad attitude, snappy writing: Absolutely PERFECT. Thanks for the laughs!
Thanks for reading and I’m happy you enjoyed it. I might do it again sometime, it was fun.
Children will be children and children are often unsettled and naughty just saying
Coffee well I don’t drink the stuff just saying
Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence broke up……………don’t care just saying
And really, aside from the kids on the plane, what about all the misbehaving adults?
Love this delivery of the news. Ha ha. It’s great, Darla. Police actually greeting the couple with the toddler who were on the plane? Wow. I guess we all need to be perfect little robots!
I’m not sure what the police thought they were going to do, scold the parents? Tell them next time leave your kid behind in the Dominican Republic?
I can see your column headline now! I think you’re on to something here Darla.
If only, Renee! That would be a dream.
I’m hoping that this will be (at least) a once a week post! I particularly like the Maine reference (cause I’m a far superior Massachusetts resident).
Fort Kent is about seven hours from where I live, so it’s practically up in the North Pole. I’m certain their WiFi isn’t the best. What’s funny is, the nurse opted to stay in Freeport instead. Freeport, the town not far from me and where my brother lives. Looks like Ebola fear has come to Maine. Sigh.
Now this is what I call reporting! My favorite is the fart-in-front-of-me Acid Test of True Love. Jennifer, honey, fast forward 20 years and see how you like the free-farting then, like in front of company, when you’re walking behind him in a store, etc. Give us more, Darla. Lots of fun, thanks! 🙂
Ah, yes….poor innocent Jennifer, she has no idea what Pandora’s Box O’ Farts she just opened….
Thanks for all the up to the minute news! I feel all-knowing, now…. 🙂 JLaw has her sight set pretty high, don’t you think?
And this only makes me wonder why the hell Chris Martin did NOT fart in front of her. I didn’t know a man like him existed.
It’s ironic; my wife wants to split up because I can’t stop farting in front of her.
ha! Yes, this is true for many many marriages….
I kid of course; if my wife thought my flatulence was worthy of divorce, she would have sent me packing decades ago.
I think your description of Starbucks coffee is spot-on!
Can I just say that I like your news report much more than my local channels (and the national ones) – I look forward to your next installment.
Thanks for the giggles; this is the third rainy day we’ve had this week and I needed something to make me laugh. 🙂
Um, who are you and where have you been all my life? This post is the best thing that has happened to me all day, and for the record I ate a cookie and drank half a beer. I particularly liked the Maine bit as my husband is from Scenic Waterville, where for date night we went to Tim Horton’s for ice cream, like a couple of bosses. You’re a funny lady!
Those were great