Bringing you news that’s never perfectly ripe, hard to crack open, and filled with green slime.
Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence reportedly broke up, calling off their relationship after four months. Jennifer revealed she’s looking for a man who can be himself, someone who “isn’t afraid to fart in front of me.” Coincidentally, the dating website eHarmony was temporarily shutdown when 4.2 billion men sent Jennifer Lawrence requests.
A nurse who was quarantined in New Jersey after returning from ebola-ravaged West Africa has been released after she complained of the poor conditions she suffered during her involuntary 24 hour stay. Apparently, she was forced to sit in a tent with no access to technology, using only a box for a toilet. She’s currently on her way to Fort Kent, Maine where the conditions will be exactly the same.
A woman in Portland, Oregon may have a new Guinness World Record after she ran a 10k in 38:15 while pushing, in her own words, a “rent-a-baby” in a stroller, borrowing a friend’s baby in order to complete the race. Officials are still determining whether she was overtaken at the finish line by Hank Peterson, who was following close behind pushing an unpaid rotisserie chicken in a Walmart shopping cart.
Parents were greeted by police after their two-year-old had several tantrums on board a flight from Dominican Republic to St. Louis. Flight attendants stated the child was crying and not willing to stay seated. No word yet on how airlines will continue to crack down on this epidemic of completely normal toddler behavior.
Coffee giant Starbucks has decided to put an end to giving unhappy customers free coffee at their next visit, instead offering a four dollar discount, bringing the cost of a tall coffee down to a more reasonable nine hundred and ninety-six dollars. Yet there is still no confirmation Starbucks will ever make those customers truly happy simply by changing their patented “burnt diesel fuel and ass” recipe.