The Rotten Avocado

images5SXOPX05Bringing you news that’s never perfectly ripe, hard to crack open, and filled with green slime.

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Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence reportedly broke up, calling off their relationship after four months. Jennifer revealed she’s looking for a man who can be himself, someone who “isn’t afraid to fart in front of me.” Coincidentally, the dating website eHarmony was temporarily shutdown when 4.2 billion men sent Jennifer Lawrence requests.

141026122852-hickox-tent-horizontal-galleryA nurse who was quarantined in New Jersey after returning from ebola-ravaged West Africa has been released after she complained of the poor conditions she suffered during her involuntary 24 hour stay. Apparently, she was forced to sit in a tent with no access to technology, using only a box for a toilet. She’s currently on her way to Fort Kent, Maine where the conditions will be exactly the same.

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A woman in Portland, Oregon may have a new Guinness World Record after she ran a 10k in 38:15 while pushing, in her own words, a “rent-a-baby” in a stroller, borrowing a friend’s baby in order to complete the race. Officials are still determining whether she was overtaken at the finish line by Hank Peterson, who was following close behind pushing an unpaid rotisserie chicken in a Walmart shopping cart.

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Parents were greeted by police after their two-year-old had several tantrums on board a flight from Dominican Republic to St. Louis. Flight attendants stated the child was crying and not willing to stay seated. No word yet on how airlines will continue to crack down on this epidemic of completely normal toddler behavior.

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Coffee giant Starbucks has decided to put an end to giving unhappy customers free coffee at their next visit, instead offering a four dollar discount, bringing the cost of a tall coffee down to a more reasonable nine hundred and ninety-six dollars. Yet there is still no confirmation Starbucks will ever make those customers truly happy simply by changing their patented “burnt diesel fuel and ass” recipe.

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66 thoughts on “The Rotten Avocado

  1. These are fantabulous, it is a measure of your genius, both in selecting the things to report on, and writing about them, that in most of those stories it is hard to clearly find the line where the real bit ends and your addition starts. Nice work, have a bonus.

  2. Starbucks does taste like diesel fuel. But I can’t stop drinking it. In other news, I heard that “Cake was left out in a break room without instructions.” Employees confirmed there was no message on it. Forks were left out but no paper plates. An easy solution–Post it note that says “Okay to eat.” These babies solve everything.

    Looking forward to more Rotten Avocado updates!!

      1. Ugh! I know! Cutler has managed to steal the votes away AGAIN. My mom and I have decided to move to Canada for the next four years. I mean, he’s actually probably the worst governor in the history of Maine if not the universe. I would rather vote for Stephen King a this point (I’m writing a blog post about this tomorrow….)

  3. Maybe this is why I’ve given up on dating….I’m one of “those women” who honestly NEVER wants to find a man who “isn’t afraid to fart in front of me”. Ew, gross. Of course, most men will do this on command-so not really sure where she’s been looking. Skip E-Harmony and go straight to Match, Jennifer; they’ll even let you trim their ear hairs and belch in front of you, too. 😉 Great fun, Darla! Whoop, whoop! XOXO-Kasey

  4. OK, I know that’s perfectly normal toddler behavior, but did you note the flight – from another country all the way to St. Louis? Like 24 hours stuck in a flying tin can with somebody ELSE’S screaming toddler? The police were probably called to haul away all the passengers who beat up the kid’s parents.

    I’ll take my news from Darlacado over the networks any day.

    1. Good point. But a flight that long will drive most people crazy, let alone a toddler. And if a toddler can’t have a tantrum, what’s next? Calling the cops just because I like to run up and down the aisle naked and screaming expletives?

  5. Children will be children and children are often unsettled and naughty just saying
    Coffee well I don’t drink the stuff just saying
    Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence broke up……………don’t care just saying

  6. Love this delivery of the news. Ha ha. It’s great, Darla. Police actually greeting the couple with the toddler who were on the plane? Wow. I guess we all need to be perfect little robots!

    1. Fort Kent is about seven hours from where I live, so it’s practically up in the North Pole. I’m certain their WiFi isn’t the best. What’s funny is, the nurse opted to stay in Freeport instead. Freeport, the town not far from me and where my brother lives. Looks like Ebola fear has come to Maine. Sigh.

  7. Now this is what I call reporting! My favorite is the fart-in-front-of-me Acid Test of True Love. Jennifer, honey, fast forward 20 years and see how you like the free-farting then, like in front of company, when you’re walking behind him in a store, etc. Give us more, Darla. Lots of fun, thanks! 🙂

  8. Um, who are you and where have you been all my life? This post is the best thing that has happened to me all day, and for the record I ate a cookie and drank half a beer. I particularly liked the Maine bit as my husband is from Scenic Waterville, where for date night we went to Tim Horton’s for ice cream, like a couple of bosses. You’re a funny lady!

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