What the? Wednesday

There is nothing more entertaining than watching your kid attempt a magic trick.

My 7-year-old daughter is obsessed with David Blaine. She repeatedly watches his video “Trapped Inside The Ice Cube of Death!” on YouTube.  She’s convinced she’ll be a magician someday.

david blaine in ice

This morning she runs up to me and yells, “Hey Mom! I can do magic tricks! I’ll make this penny disappear!”

She excitedly rubs her hands together for several seconds.

“Okay….and….here…. comes…. the magic…….” she whispers as she continues rubbing her hands, her eyes growing wider, my anticipation rising.

[sound of penny clinking to the floor]

“Ta-da!” She opens her hands.  “It’s GONE! It’s MAGIC! I’m gonna be famous like David Blaine!” Then she runs off whooping and dancing.

I’ve no doubt she will be famous with talent like that.

Let’s just hope she stays away from giant blocks of ice.

__________________________________________________________

My daughter also likes to constantly one-up everyone in the worry department. One morning, we were driving to school and this was our conversation.

Me: I’m nervous about my job interview tomorrow.

My son: And I’m nervous about the dentist appointment today.

Her: Yeah, well, I’M nervous about long vowel sounds!

Terrifying.
Terrifying.

__________________________________________________________

My son is 12 years old and naturally spends most of his day either teasing me or being completely annoyed by everything I do and say.

In spite of this, the other day I treated him to lunch at McD’s. (shut up) I sat there sipping my sad cup of coffee, watching him shovel food into his mouth like he hadn’t eaten in years. He noticed I was drooling over his french fries so he said in a sweet voice, “Hey, Mom, you can have the rest of my fries. Here.” Then he smiled and handed me the container.

It was empty except for one shriveled burnt-to-a-crisp reject fry.

After I cried, he apologized and offered me a chicken nugget but I wisely declined.

The next day, still peeved by the French Fry Incident, I made sure to drop him off at the front of his school blasting the song “Roam” by the B-52s.

As he got out of the car in front of his friends,  I launched into the most epic dorkiest dance ever seen, my arms waving in the air like I just didn’t care, my head bopping from side to side, the car rocking back and forth. The look on his face? Priceless. Worth every French fry.

Don’t mess with Mom, kids. Because I will always have the power to embarrass you.

__________________________________________________________

Speaking of dorks in cars, this month I did the unthinkable. I got a new car.

Not just any car, but a hybrid car.

The Prius.

th53U7NITO

It’s true, I’ve become one of those people.

Yes, it’s tiny. Yes, it runs on a battery (sometimes). Yes, it’s made of a few pieces of cellophane and duct tape. Yes, I plug it into my iPhone on my nightstand to charge it overnight. Judge all you want.

But there are benefits to driving an electric car. Of course, it helps the environment, blah blah blah. But it also helps save me money. So guess who’ll have extra moulah in her pocket to pay for the one-way ticket on the Virgin Spaceship to Mars when global warming finally wins? Who’s making fun of the Prius now, huh? You are? Yeah, fine, it’s a clown car, whatever.

Anyway, I filled up my gas tank today — 18 bucks. EIGHTEEN BUCKS. I haven’t seen that price since shoulder pads were in fashion! Sure my tank is the size of a thimble but I’m getting on average 50 mpg! Once I was zipping down the road and noticed I was getting 72 mpg! God I felt so smug!

Granted, I was floating along the current from the massive wake of the giant tractor trailer truck in front of me, but still!  And shortly after that my car got sucked under a Chevy Suburban then shot back out ricocheting off several cars like some hellish pinball machine on the highway, but hello! Good gas mileage!

___________________________________________________________

Make sure to get out and vote next week, kids.  C’mon, it’s fun!

thO2HFG60TI’m voting mainly because I’m still trying to assuage my guilt over voting for Bush in ’88. (I think I inhaled too much hairspray that year.) God I love the word ‘assuage’, it just rolls off the tongue and sounds a little like ‘ass’ and ‘sewage’.  Which reminds me….

Maine currently has a tight race for governor this year. Very exciting. And by exciting I mean not exciting. Depressing as hell.

Our choices? Paul Le Page, Eliot Cutler or Mike Michaud.

I think we all know who I’ll choose for my write-in candidate.

thI83P0HSS

He looks more than qualified to me.

________________________________________________________

So what’s new with you? Do you know any magic tricks? Can you make David Blaine disappear?

Are you voting? If you aren’t, then do you have the right to complain? If you are voting, do I have the right to complain about your complaining about people who don’t vote yet still complain?

________________________________________________________

This marks my 300th post! And it only took me 4 and half years! In celebration, here — have some of my stashed Halloween candy….just leave my Kit Kats alone, thanks.

 

 

Advertisements

78 thoughts on “What the? Wednesday

  1. Haha! I love when kids to magic tricks, especially when it’s a trick that you’ve shown them and then they show it back to you and expect you to be amazed! I’m always liked having a little go at magic tricks myself, but I’m not generally very successful. Have you seen that stage trick where a magician is screwing up a piece of paper and doing it closely in front of a member of the audience who has been brought up on stage, and then he throws it over the shoulder of the person but because he does it so quickly, they don’t notice and think it’s disappeared, but the rest of the audience can see of course and it’s hilarious for them! Anyway, a few years ago I wanted to try that one out on my daughter and as I went to throw the paper over her shoulder I accidentally punched her in the face, I felt awful but also couldn’t stop laughing. She bravely let me try again, and the second time I threw the ball of paper into her eye! We gave up after that.

    1. Haha! No, I haven’t seen that trick. Your poor daughter’s eye! Both my kids try magic tricks on me (my husband actually bought a magician’s kit) And every trick they try cracks me up. I think they forget that I have two eyes and I can see them turn around or hide things behind their back.

  2. I’d take magic tricks over “Mom, look what the cat’s doing” every 2 minutes. Yes on voting in the asshat midterm election. They serve cookies at our polling place. I own a Prius as well. Honk the horn, that will knock the smug self-righteousness right out of you. It sounds like a baby crying with a tinge of mooing cow. I would like a foghorn upgrade.

  3. If you’re really want to be impressed by as mileage, you could buy a scooter (also a hybrid, this one between a moped and a skateboard.) I once filled a tank with $5, which still left a $1.50 tip to the gas station attendant. Of course, with those scooters, there’s always a risk to get sucked under a Prius.

  4. Caffeinate much? You are on a roll this morning. So glad I had insomnia and was up to catch your post before I start my day. Made me laugh, made me happy to be a mom, made me happy to have the right to vote. You did good on your 300th post!! Have yourself a Kit Kat.

    1. I love that, “caffeinate much?” — how could you tell? I am antsy lately, got that writing itch. Two posts in two days is a record for me. I’ve got time for once to blog while I wait for my full time job to start. My plans later? Stuff myself with Kit Kats.

  5. John went through a Chris Angel phase a couple of years back. It’s like magic on a super creepy scale. Let me know when she’s got the foam ball tricks down. Fun to a watch a kid pull one out of his nostril.

    Oh, how I wish I could drive a Prius! Alas, the law frowns on strapping kids to the outside of the car. That and I’d have to find room in the garage to park it. Maybe if I moved the lawn tractor. Of course, the gas prices are going down to 1970’s rates. I did a double-take when the bill was under $50.

    Good luck on your job interview! Nursing, right? My job is now firmly at home. Kids are schooling through virtual on-line public ed. It is absolutely awesome.

    1. I kid you not, Shan — we own Chris Angel’s magician’s kit. Yes! so we have the “Evil Balls of Death” you speak of.

      And sure, you can’t strap your kids to your Prius, I mean, think of the drag they’d create on your gas mileage!

      I actually got the job. I am THRILLED. It’s a medical assistant in urology. I’ll be working with mostly elderly cancer patients, exactly what I was hoping for! The nursing degree might come later…

      What’s virtual online public ed? My kids would love that.

      1. Wow, congrats on the job!

        Public on-line is taking advantage of a broadband connection. Just way too many advantages to list here in a comment box, so check back in a week or so for a classic Top Ten on the subject. The bunnies kicked that one into second place last week, because, well, cuteness wins every time.

  6. I love kid magic tricks. Are you sure the fries weren’t a preteen magic trick? I told my kids regularly my job was to be sure they had something to talk to a therapist about when they were adults. Go Mom!

    1. Good point, I mean, we have to supply our kids with SOMEthing to tell the therapist about…

      As for the fries, my son inhaled them in about 2.5 seconds. I rarely have any food in my house anymore thanks to him.

  7. Ha ha! You cheered me right up this morning. Congratulations on your Prius. Be ready for people who say things like what you drive? A Prius I bet, and then smirk is if they actually like paying hundred dollars to fill up their tank. Your daughter definitely has a future. Passion cares you along way in life. That penny might be dropping on the floor now but you just wait. Happy boating. Actually I just dictated voting and he came out boating. I think I like boating better. Cheers.

  8. Oh my goodness. I am sorry about all the typos in the previous comment. iPhone has a long way to go with its dictating features. And I guess I have a long way to go in my proofing skills.

  9. My only magic trick is proudly driving my Prius and watching it sip the gas. I love that car and I don’t care what anyone else says. The next one I get is going to have a built-in GPS, though. And a back-up camera thingy. I suck at backing up.

  10. How much is gas normally? I though USA was cheap compared to UK, think my other half pays about £70 a tank (probably about $120) Or that could be half a tank, I have no idea, I just instruct him to pick me up from places that have sold me alcohol.

    Please deter your daughter from David Blaining it. When he was suspended high above the Thames for a month in a glass tank, people just pelted him with eggs, sausages, hamburgers etc, figuring he was hungry. Maybe they even threw their last shrivelled french fry up at him 😉

    1. Gas here in Maine was about 3.60 a gallon and has dropped to 3.20 lately. I’m doing a happy dance because I have to fill up my oil tank for the winter and now it looks like I can afford it and won’t have to burn up my old kitchen furniture for heat after all.

      Did you actually SEE David Blaine in that glass box?! OH my god! Love it! What did you throw at him?

  11. Darla, I love your kids …

    Congrats on 300 — such a nice number.
    I have been too busy at work to blog much — a reality I see you will soon experience (whoo-hoo!). You reminded me that I am falling down on the job of getting folks to vote.

    HEY YOU — GO VOTE!!!

    1. 300 is a great number and I didn’t think I’d actually make it. Now that I’m working full time starting next week I doubt I’ll blog once a month now. I already miss it….sigh…

      And yes, my mom is disgusted with the election results. When I found out, I went back to bed and tried waking up from my nightmare but it didn’t work, he’s still in office another four years.

      1. Congrats on the new job — my condolences on the old gov.

        You must be excited about the job. Tell me tell me. I hope that it is a great experience, that the folks you work with all quickly grasp how lucky they are that you deign to work with them … and that you learn, learn, learn. That’s the best part of working.

        As to when you blog, I find that I assume when I am swamped that I won’t write. Then I end up doing several posts because it’s such a great stress release. (Of course, I generally wait to respond to comments a bit longer than normal, but …) These days, I read blogs when I can and often just hit the like button instead of writing long winded comments like this one.

        Other folks have lives to. If they don’t understand, that’s the breaks.

      2. Yup, exactly. I do view blogging as a good stress reliever from the day to day grind. It kinda keeps me sane. So what if I only blog once a month now. I’m sure my readers will appreciate it as they are just as busy.

        I really hit the jackpot with this job. I’ll have two days administrative (which I love) and two days clinical procedures, very specialized (urology) so I’ll be learning constantly. The doctors are both extremely nice (which is a rare thing) and the entire office is friendly. We all hit it off the other day when I job shadowed. Overall, it’s a very positive environment and I’ll be working with the elderly (which I love) and cancer patients, helping with chemo etc. I had other job offers in family practices but to be honest, sticking infants with needles ain’t my bag, yo.

  12. Ahhh, kids: they know not the depths we mothers can descend to squash the smart-alecky independence they so frequently throw in our faces. For the record, George Michael’s “Father Figure” is a good one to try in a similar situation.

    Congrats on your 300th post!

  13. Hilarious, as usual! I am a fan of embarrassing the teenager as well. Mine’s 15 and still snarky. Dammit. I figure I only have another 20 years before he figures out I do have a brain. Have a great Halloween, Darla!

  14. Congrats on your 300th! My son inhales too, but he is only 7. I can’t wait till I get the burnt out fries when he turns 12 and when he starts hating me. Until then, I’m going to enjoy feeling far superior to him cause I can beat him in wrestling.

    1. Please do continue to beat him in wrestling now while you can. Enjoy what little time you have left, Ben.

      Another great thing my dear sweet son does now? He makes fun of every single thing I say by repeating it back to me in a mocking voice. I don’t even think he realizes he does it, it’s just the law of being a tween. He used to be my best buddy in the world and now he’s dropped me like a sack of hot potatoes. (which he promptly gobbled up because he’s always starving…)

  15. Congrats Darla on your 300th post. I hope you continue spreading the smiles and laughter till we congrats you on 1000th and beyond that. And you must share the credit with kids, because they inspire you to write posts like this one. 🙂

  16. Thanks for the much needed laugh today. I can’t wait to get back at my kids by being an awful dancer in front of their friends. Unfortunately, my preschoolers and his buddies still think it is cool. Back to the drawing board on how to embarass him… #momoftheyear

  17. With all that gas money you’ll save, you can buy your own box of French fries– and super size it. Oh yeah! Then your son will see who gets the last laugh.

    Good luck on your job interview!

  18. Wow your cellophane car sounds to die for! Honestly! What great gas mileage for sure. And, the B-52’s dance party in the car-even better. Whatta way to get your kid. I have to admit that since Maycee’s decided I’m ultra-embarrassing to be around, it does cause my creative embarrassment bone to grow larger! XOXO-Kasey

  19. I love it!! I actually read a whole narrative non-fiction book on magic tricks– this year, too! (I should win Cool Person of the Year Award, yes?) Anyway. Who knew how much work actually went into perfecting a magic trick? I sure didn’t… And I’m sure even David Blaine dropped pennies on the floor when he was first starting out. 😉

    1. Dana, you should always win Cool Person of the Year. David Blaine continues to dazzle my kids…my husband went and DVR’d about 100 of his TV specials so now I get to watch him pull strings out of someone’s stomach. (I swear he did that once)

    1. Peg, I reached 300 posts and now it feels like I’ve got nuthin’ left. I don’t want to fade away like so many other bloggers though. What’s a girl to do? Get someone to write my posts for me? Yeah! You in?

      1. Don’t do it! Don’t fade! I was checking a couple of old posts the other day and most of my old buds are gone now. I don’t think they actually died, but it feels like it to me. Scale back if you must with your new, fab job, but don’t leave me, Darls! Er, I mean don’t leave US. US, your dedicated readers. Cuz it’s not like I’m emotionally needy over her or anything. Haha.

  20. Yes, but how did the interview go?

    I don’t blame you for the Prius. I currently drive a gas guzzling SUV that I practically have to take out a second mortgage for every fill up. I envy you and your little moped car.

    It is a parent’s job to humiliate their kids on a regular basis. Thank you for the suggestion, though. I will store that B-52s dance off idea in the vault for future use against extreme cruelty by my own spawn!

    1. You might have seen on facebook I got the job, yippeeee!

      And this Prius is a dream compared to my old minivan which got about 20 mpg. One whole month of driving (over 1,000 miles) and I filled up my tank exactly twice, spending only about 45 bucks TOTAL. Not bad.

  21. Wow, lots of questions. I’ll try to remember them…yes, I voted and regardless of whether my choice won or not, this election was so bitter in NC, I am just happy it is over. I don’t do magic, except with words. And I truly hope some of what I’ve written is magical in one sense. As for Halloween candy, I almost forgot, running out Friday evening for a stash nobody arrived to receive. We live so far off the road, we either get car loads, or nobody. Have had way too much sugar since the weekend!

    1. I’m also thrilled the election is over, even though no one I voted for won. Just happy to see an end to all those annoying commercials.

      We don’t get trick or treaters here either, and that’s sad to me as I love handing out candy and seeing the cute little costumes! But more candy for me.

Tell me about it.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s