All was merry and bright last Wednesday evening in spite of the Nor’easter blowing into town. A giant ham was chillin’ in the fridge, the kids were playing Mario Kart, and my husband and I were cozying up on the couch to watch yet another riveting episode of CHiPs.
But before Ponch was able to rescue the station wagon full of kids dangling from a power line over the streets of LA, the unthinkable happened: our power flickered.
It turned off once… we held our breath. The image on the TV reappeared. Ponch’s jaw clenched sexily.
Twice…! Jon Baker’s doe eyes glistened with anticipation.
Then boom. Out. The entire household powered down in a flash and chaos erupted.
If this ever happens to you, here are a list of things to help you survive no power on Thanksgiving:
- Take turns sitting in your idling car. Not for warmth, but to charge your iPhone so you can still play Candy Crush.
- Pass the time by checking Central Maine Power’s website of power outages so you can monitor how everyone else around you in a 60 mile radius has goddamn power except you.
- Consider burning iPhone for warmth.
- Spend cold nights tossing and turning, with only one thought invading your dreams: Will I ever know if Ponch rescued those trapped kids?!
- Cooking hot dogs, beans and bacon on the grill outside in a snowbank on Thanksgiving day is a good idea.
- Cooking scrambled eggs on the grill is a bad idea.
- Snuggle with the nearest warm body to help stave off hypothermia.
- Make sure that body didn’t just eat a can of beans.
- By all means, jump in your Jeep with the bald tires and fishtail your way to the nearest Dunkin Donuts with power because if you don’t have coffee soon you will go batshit insane.
- Weep uncontrollably as you stick the ham and case of beer in a snowbank. Use canned cranberry sauce as traction for next drive to Dunkin Donuts.
- Fumbling around playing football outside with your kids in 15 degree weather is almost the same as watching the Dallas Cowboys play.
- As you sit there shivering in your pitch dark bedroom at 2 am listening to the roar of the wind outside, remind yourself if Laura Ingalls could do it, so can you. Why, they spent long frigid winters in a shack huddled around an oil lamp with only Pa’s fiddle for entertainment!
- F*%^ you, Half Pint.
- Haha! I’m kidding! Wow, that was mean, wasn’t it? I apologize. What I meant to say was f*%^ you Pa Ingalls and your stupid fiddle.
And there you have it. All solid advice.
Hope you all had a warm, bean-free, Poncherellirific Thanksgiving!