Seth Rogen and James Franco (Almost) Save the World

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Setting: Seth Rogen’s apartment last week around 3 am.

Rogen [sitting on couch in underwear watching CNN]: Oh shit! OHSHITOHSHITOHSHITOHSHIT! Oh man! Oh holy crapballs! [inhales smoke] Oh god. Just hold it in, Seth, hold it in….. [exhales sharply, puts giant bong down on floor] This is nuts, this is crazy. I gotta call Franco.

[phone rings at James Franco’s place]

Franco [answers phone, two women asleep on either side of him]: Yeah?

Rogen: Dude! Turn on CNN!

Franco: Do what? Naw, man.

Rogen: JUST DO IT!

Franco [scratches head] : Huh? Do what, man?

Rogen: Turn….on…. [screams into phone] THE. F—-ING NEWS!

[silence for several minutes]

Franco: Oh shit.

Rogen: Yeah, “oh shit”. You got that right my friend. You got that right!  [laughs like an asthmatic stuttering donkey]

Franco: Well, what do we do? I mean, this can’t be good. Right?

Rogen: [shouts] No man! No it’s not!  I would think pissing off the entire country of North Korea can’t be good! I mean, Kanye West is one thing, but….this. This is f—ing insane as shit!

Franco: Calm the f— down, all right? I’m coming over.

Rogen: Okay okay. Yeah, that’s good. We can figure this out. I mean, we’re actors!

[Thirty minutes later. Franco and Rogen are sitting on couch together in a cloud of smoke watching CNN]

Franco [exhaling smoke]: Dude.

Rogen [exhaling smoke]: Dude.

Franco: I mean seriously….dude.

Rogen: Duuuuuude.

Franco: I mean, this is really f—ed up.

Rogen: You think?

Franco: So he should be here any minute.

Rogen: Who? The pizza guy?

Franco: No, Clooney, man. He’ll take care of it.

Rogen: What — are you a moron? Clooney? What the hell’s he gonna do?

Franco: Just trust me all right!

Rogen: Trust you! Trust you! Wasn’t that what you said right before you told me to rub your nipples on that motorcycle?

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Franco: Clooney’s smart, okay! He’ll know what to do! He infiltrated the Bellagio! He’ll fix this!

[Both sit silently for several minutes]

Rogen: So did you order extra cheese and pepperoni?

Franco: Yeah.

[Someone knocks at door, both yell simultaneously]

Rogen: PIZZA!

Franco: CLOONEY!

[Several minutes pass. More knocks at door.]

Rogen: I thought you were gonna get it.

Franco: I did get it…didn’t I?

Rogen: No man! You get it!

Franco: Why should I? You get it.

Rogen: C’mon dude! You get it!

Franco: No you!

[Someone bangs on door.]

Franco: Did you hear that?

Rogen: What?

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Clooney: Hey guys. I let myself in. Look – you two chowderheads better tell me what’s going on right now. I’ve got the missus waiting in the limo downstairs and she isn’t happy, threatened to subpoena my ass.

Franco: Dayum! [makes sound of whip]

Rogen [pointing at TV]: Things are bad, man. Real bad.

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Clooney [smirks]: Now c’mon. I’m sure things aren’t that bad guys.

Rogen: No, they are. They, like, wiped out PlayStation! PLAYSTATION!

Franco: We did this. Us! Why didn’t we stop at Pineapple Express?

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Clooney: All right, this is what we’re gonna do. Seth, you’re gonna dress up as a rich guy, drop a few Gs at the craps table as a distraction. James, you’re gonna cram yourself into a tiny box and we’ll wheel you into the vault, where you’ll bypass the infrared lasers and steal all copies of The Interview and replace them with the entire season of Freaks and Geeks. Then we’ll all pretend this never happened. Got it?

Rogen/Franco: Got it.

Rogen: But wait a minute….what about freedom of speech? What about every American’s right to watch The Interview?

Clooney [scoffs]: Guys. C’mon. Have you seen the movie?

Rogen/Franco: Yeah.

Rogen: Well…parts of it.

Clooney: Look — think of it as we’re doing everyone in the entire world a huge favor here.

Rogen/Franco [thinking intently, slowly nodding heads]

[Several minutes pass]

Franco: You saw him, right? Clooney? Here in your living room?

Rogen: Who?

Franco: Never mind. Let’s get pizza.

Rogen: Yeah. And order mine with extra pineapple.

 

 

 

 

 

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48 thoughts on “Seth Rogen and James Franco (Almost) Save the World

  1. All right, I’m gonna watch Pineapple Express again… I saw that in the theatre. That’s right! I laughed my butt off, too. Can’t wait to see The Interview, but mostly I think it would be super cool to hang out with Rogan and Franco on that couch in that cloud of smoke. And Clooney could come over anytime…

    1. I’ve never seen Pineapple Express. I have seen most of their movies though, the last one I saw was This Is The End. (My husband is a huge fan of all their movies) I do admit I loved Freaks and Geeks — too bad it was only one season.

      I’d welcome a hallucination of Clooney, but only if he appears as Booker from Roseanne.

      1. PE was hilarious. Totally off the wall stoner flick that I wish I could have lived (except the bloody parts – those are pretty bloody).

        Clooney was never as cool as he was playing the astronaut in Gravity. He ate that role.

  2. I love that you’ve cast Clooney in the role of “Mr. Wolf”. That means Rogan and Franco are Jules Winfield and Vince Vega. Forget watching “Pineapple Express”, and turn on “Pulp Fiction” instead.

      1. I’ve never seen the whole movie, but the bits and pieces I’ve watched did feature copious amounts of the natty ganja. I recently saw Mr. Rogan’s movie about a fraternity moving in next door to his character, which blended the pot use with equal parts of what my wife described as “d**k humor”. She’s so eloquent!

        1. Get out! Another Rogan movie featuring the wacky weed?! I am in utter shock!

          And yes, I lovingly refer to all these stoner movies my husband likes as “dick flicks”….(his all-time fave movie is Dazed and Confused….all right…all right…all right….)

  3. This was awesome, first of all.

    Second of all, I do think it’s important not to refrain from doing something out of fear, especially watching a movie and restricting free speech and censorship, etc. But I think it’s kind of sad that THIS is the movie that had to do it. I half-watched it and it was predictably awful, even though it was funny, and there were nuggets of actual wisdom and thoughts that were relevant to think about both countries…but overall? Why this one of all films? 😛

      1. Well I understand why North Korea is upset. But it just seems a bit sad that the film we’re being brave and “standing up for our rights” for is this one…even though it’s admittedly funny and sometimes thoughtful and satirical it is so awful. 🙂

    1. Well I did use “f—” Y’know, just trying to keep it classy around here. (I still think WordPress made a mistake labeling me a family blog…they should’ve stuck me in the “misc. crap” category.)

  4. Brilliant, Darla! I love Clooney’s plan. Have you seen the movie by any chance? I hear they have record online numbers. This whole thing couldn’t have been too horrible for business. You’re so funny.

  5. I love it when you get all political and stuff. And net, so snort-coffee-out-the-nose worthy.

    I don’t want the U.S. to get pushed around by anyone, but for some reason I’m not inspired to get all patriotic (which means putting on my stars-and-stripes panties) for THIS particular movie.

      1. My New Year’s resolution to to quit my day job and just hang around your blog. Because I’m an overachiever, I’m starting early.

        I’m sure you’ll keep me supplied with Doritos and Skittles when the money runs out, hmmm?

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