The Rotten Avocado–January 2015

Welcome to another edition of The Rotten Avocado!

Bringing you fake news that’s never perfectly ripe, hard to crack open, and filled with green slime.

Proud dad Ashton Kutcher recently gushed about his new baby with partner Mila Kunis, remarking they want to be hands-on parents and therefore do not employ a nanny. “We want to be the people that know what to do when the baby’s crying to make the baby not cry anymore,” Ashton said, and then a nanny changed Ashton’s diaper and fed him a bottle.



Popular exercise product Fitbit — a wristband that displays time, distance, and calories burned, or as I like to call it, “The World’s Ugliest Bracelet” — has received complaints from consumers stating the band produced an angry rash on their skin after they worked out. The company recommends removing the Fitbit periodically after exercising to prevent irritation. Upon hearing this, millions of women looked down at their Fitbits and yelled, “What? I’m supposed to be exercising with this f—ing thing on?” then finished inhaling their chocolate-glazed donuts and took a nap (or maybe that was just me)



Mark Zuckerberg recently put to rest any rumors of adding a “dislike” button to Facebook posts saying, “I don’t think there needs to be a voting mechanism on Facebook about whether posts are good or bad. I don’t think that’s socially very valuable or good for the community to help people share the important moments in their lives.” Then he sat down at his gigantic desk, lit up a cigar, and cackled maniacally as he turned his attention back to the giant wall of monitors depicting live surveillance footage of every man, woman and child in the entire world.


Us Weekly
Us Weekly

The movie Wild is getting lots of buzz not only for the incredible acting, but for the fact Reese Witherspoon appears completely makeup-free during filming, even foregoing her hairbrush. Because as we all know, statistics show the shittier you look, the better your chances at an Oscar.  In one scene, a disheveled Reese is depicted hiking down a desolate country road, all of her worldly possessions strapped onto her back as her mental state teeters between hope and despair, solace and anguish. Or in other words, just another typical day in the life of every woman in Maine.


Former “Saved by the Bell” child star Dustin Diamond will face trial in the alleged stabbing incident of another patron at a bar on Christmas Day. While pondering why Diamond’s life has taken such a dark turn, I think I speak for everyone when I say, “For god’s sake — he was Screech on Saved by the Bell.”

68 thoughts on “The Rotten Avocado–January 2015

  1. OneHotMess

    Oh Lord, “a day in the life of a typical Maine woman, ” had me rolling on the floor–sitting up in my bed–laughong!

  2. Thank you for keeping your finger on the pulse for us as always Darla. Without you, we would have no news.

    However, judging by the lack of backpack strain on her shoulders, I’m guessing that Reece’s worldly possessions consist of fluffy pillows of air. How far is that going to get her huh? Is that the Maine way?

    1. It really should be on a coffee mug at least. I remember that movie Charlize Theron was in called “Monster”, people weren’t really talking about her acting so much as saying “Holy crap she looks terrible!”

  3. I kinda expected to see YOUR shining face superimposed on Reese’s plaid-wearin’, backpack-toting body. Go fix that, will ya?
    I happen to have a rotting avocado on my kitchen counter at this very moment, right next to the chocolate donut. I’ll be using them for my new fitness regime later – Food Curls.

  4. Bwahhahaha, I am The Zuckerberg and I will find and destroy dissenters. Hilarious! How’s the weather up there? We had an earthquake here yesterday and tonight it will be twelve degrees. Tomorrow probably tornadoes and wildfires followed by a hail storm. Now aren’t you glad you live in Maine?

    1. Say what?? Earthquakes? Good lord! Well, I’d welcome a minor earthquake here today, maybe it’d keep me warm. It is minus 30 here with the wind chill. I’m sitting here with layers upon layers on and with the heat cranked and my hands are still ice.

  5. In a symbol of solidarity with Reese, I went to work all this week without a drop of make-up on my face, not even foundation. In a symbol of solidarity with Ashton, I’m dropping Demi Moore and finding myself a baby-mama.

  6. Yeah, I read that the author of Wild dropped into the dressing room on set to freshen up before an interview, and they told her they didn’t have any powder, just mud and blood.

  7. I’m starting to think that Maine will suit me just fine. I have a closet full of plaid, I sometimes forget to brush my hair, often leave the house without makeup and my hair in a ponytail. The only thing stopping me is the cold. I’m a weather wimp.
    P.S. I’m crushing on your blog makeover. For a second there, I really thought I was on some professional news-journal site.

  8. See how Mila is looking at Ashton? Biting her pinky in a flirty manner? She used to look at me like that. Take my word for it…it gets OLD, FAST.

    Zuck might find a voting mechanism counterproductive but, apparently, it’s perfectly okay to disseminate an addictive product to the masses. And make no mistake. To MANY, it’s addictive.

    I am ruined for Reese Witherspoon. All I can see is her drunkenly slurring, “Do you know who I am” to a couple of overly-polite officers of the law while her husband begs her to shut her pie hole. Her greatest role to date.

    Nine more followers and then I can click “follow.” I like being a round number.

    1. Same here, I can totally see Reese sneering “do you KNOW who I am?” I get the feeling she says that to everyone drunk or sober. I also don’t like her because my husband has had a massive crush on her ever since Election. Pffft. She’s overrated in my mind.

  9. You mean these stories AREN’T true. But I heard it on Fox News, so it must be.

    I can relate to the Maine woman even though days on desolate back country roads are a distant memory. Thank heavens. As for your ‘dislike’ of Reese, yeah my opinion went downhill right after that ‘do you know who I am?’ incident. Get over yourself, honey.

    Thanks for the chuckles, Darla. 😉

  10. Haven’t seen Wild yet, though everyone I know has and gives it a huge thumbs-up. Perhaps it is because we get to see someone in a movie role who isn’t actually airbrushed to look perfect while having a crisis.

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