I’ve been sick as a dog this past week. First my son was socked with a “flu-like virus” (which is apparently our pediatrician’s polite way of saying “you’ve got the flu”) Then he kindly passed it onto his little sister and she promptly responded by coughing directly into my mouth 150 times so I wouldn’t miss out. Near the end of my week-long Influenzapallooza I also had the added bonus of developing bronchitis.
My husband? Not even a sniffle.
It all started when I felt a death rattle in my chest during halftime of last week’s Patriots/Colts game. I went straight to bed eager to begin spending my days writhing around in a delirium of fever, body aches and hacking cough. But at least I got to practice my moaning and groaning. I’m very good at it now.
Just yesterday the fever broke and I felt almost half-dead again. The mental brain fog lifted and I suddenly realized I had missed the ending of the Patriots game.
Did they win? Did I miss anything?
My mind still swimming in a delicious Nyquil-induced daze, I shuffled out to the living room, snuggled down on the couch in my bathrobe and clicked on the TV just in time to see my old boyfriend up there answering questions at a press conference.
Aw, gosh darnit! Isn’t he adorbs in that hat? And oh wow! His chiseled dimplicious chin seems to be breaking news on every channel! Everyone must be super excited about the Pats going to the Big Game!
Then I turned up the volume.
“…when I pick those balls out… I don’t want anyone touching the balls after that. I don’t want anyone rubbing them.”
I looked down at the empty Nyquil bottle on the coffee table. Hmm….did I accidentally double the dose? I rubbed the cobwebs out of my eyes and tried to focus harder on what my Tommy Boy was yammering about in his super-cuddly gray sweats.
“Everybody has a preference. Some guys like them round, some guys like them thin, some guys like them tacky, some guys like them brand new, some guys like old balls. They’re all different. … It’s a very individual thing.”
Okay. Well. Time to head back to bed. Maybe when I wake up tomorrow things will be back to normal? Or at least, less tacky-ball-ish.
That was when my 81-year-old mother (her birthday was just yesterday!) called me on the phone to give her expert take on things. (Needless to say, both of us are huge Pats fans and have been since the pre-Doug-Flutie-On-The-Wheaties-Box days.)
“Did you see that damn ball thing? Jeezum crow! I mean, just who on the Colts team suddenly said, ‘Hey! I’m gonna start checking their balls!’ Yeah, like just out of the freaking blue he’s suddenly fascinated with their balls! ‘Here, let’s touch the balls! Everyone squeeze their balls! I bet their balls are soft! That’s why we’re losing!’ Why not squeeze your own gol-darn balls, huh? Why not leave the Patriots’ balls alone? We all know it’s the cold air that did it! Cold air makes them shrink! What, are they gonna have to touch every friggin ball before every friggin play now? I’d like to see that! Balls? Balls my ass!”
And there you have it, folks. Balls my ass. The final authority on this whole shrinkage catastrophe. My mom does know her balls. After all, she raised five boys.
She's A Maineiac 
As a fellow Maine resident, I have to say that I laughed so hard through my congestion that I cackled. Just go back to bed. Guys and balls…this could go on forever.
God yeah. Guys and their balls. I’m in bed on my iPhone and stupid me, I looked up Twitter. Seems everyone is all #deflategate and #balls and #We’veAllBecomeBeavisAndButthead
Tom…Rich. talented, rich, sort of handsome, rich, sleeping with a super model, rich, tall, rich, smart, rich, young, rich, sensitive about his balls, rich, lucky, did I say RICH? Why on earth would any regular person be trying to make a target out of this guy?
I know! I’m totally flabbergasted! Why all the hate, people? Is it the golden arm? The carved-out-of-granite-chin? His chin dimple? Giselle? The moat that surrounds his 50,000 sq. foot mansion? Or the fact that he just wins so damned much and everyone else is a crybaby?
What your mother said makes total sense! She’s a genius! I actually have not listened to one word said about deflategate- just read that it’s a thing now. I was too busy watching my Seahawks come back and trounce the Packers. Sea- Hawks!!!
Sorry to hear you’ve been under the weather. I think my kid is coming down with something… or he can’t handle the amount of tests he has today at school.
Too funny. This morning I took my mom on errands and she actually spent about 99% of our convo saying “Balls, balls! I’ll give you balls!” etc. She is super pissed. I think it’s just sad. Sad people are picking on my boyfriend again.
Hope your son can recover from the examitis. My son was pretty overwhelmed as he missed six days of school and now has to catch up.
I feel your son’s pain about having to make up all that work. And I can’t remember, but I am thinking he doesn’t share my son’s learning disabilities, so having to tackle all that extra work shouldn’t impact you toooo much (the way when my son misses one day, it impacts my life hugely >:) ).
Your mom is hilarious. She should have her own TV show. We can now replace Merv Griffin!
The Jeezum Crow Hour with Carlene!
Perfect!
If only I could videotape her rants without her knowing….then upload it to youtube, I’d make millions!
This whole thing is just nuts.
It’s made me feel downright testy.
Testy-cles? LOL
Jeezum crow I wish we could talk about anything else but the Patriots ballzz. That and the ads for getting a package to go to the Super Ball, uh Bowl. I really need to stop watching sports.
I was just hanging around twitter and I think all the testicle jokes seem to have shriveled up now.
It’s probably best they all die of boredom.
You are so cracking me up with this, Darla. I’m glad you dragged yourself out your flu-induced fog to write this!! Made my day. Yes, he does look cuddly in those sweats. I hope you feel so much better real quick!
Thanks Amy. THis post was brought to you by DayQuil. And yeah, the whole time Brady was defending himself I could only think one thing: I think somebody needs a hug!
The flu is nature’s way of saying it’s okay to sleep in. Embrace the silver linings.
You’ll have to excuse me, but you pushed a button so, really it’s your own fault:
I fucking hate Tom Brady. Tom Brady is the guy in high school who has the best car, gets easy A’s and has all the hottest girls chasing his tail. Meanwhile, I’m driving my ’66 Ford Farlaine and I’ve got one girl interested in me but she listens to Barry Manilow albums and wants to join a convent. And Bill Chickadee is a cry baby and a cheater. He didn’t do JACK SHIT when he was coaching my Cleveland Browns. Then he left and built a dynasty.
In other words, I’m jealous. Go ahead. Block my IP. I dare you. Put ’em up. Put ’em up!
Personally, I’m starting to miss the good ol’ days of the Big Tuna or Drew Bledsoe. But then, they usually lost so….nope, I’m back to believing anything that comes out of Tom’s purty mouth. Go Pats go!!!
I read your comment and when I got to Barry Manilow I laughed so hard I went into a violent coughing convulsion and now I think I have to go to the ER. Thanks, Exile. Thanks.
That’s sweet of you to say about my witty barb but I still don’t like Thomas. And you can call me Mark because Exile makes me sound like a Bedouin.
If life was fair, at the 20 year reunion, Tom would be the guy who got fat and bald and owns a failing car wash, and you got contacts and a chin implant and invented Post-Its so now you’re flying all over in your personal jet with supermodels. But life ain’t fair.
So Mark, I googled what “Bedouin” means and I’m still clueless, but rest assured I still don’t think you sound like one. (Did you write your memoirs yet??!)
I got scared that I was using the word incorrectly, which would make me look like a big, dumb, smarty-pants, so I looked it up. The Bedouins are nomadic tribes in the Middle East who roamed the desert. Hence, exile.
It’s impossible to write your memoirs while SHOVELING SNOW. I drop my laptop three times. Plus, my syntax was bad.
Not to be confused with sin tax, which I am all for.
I hear you. I have this brilliant idea for a screenplay but I’m finding it hard to type and snowblow these 5 foot drifts at the same time.
The thing about Tom, he always has that smircky little smile on his face, even when being questioned about his balls. Maybe especially when being questioned about his balls.
haha! Yeah, I think he enjoyed that press conference a little too much.
LOL! Maybe the Patriots weren’t wearing their cups. And next time don’t drink the whole bottle of Nyquil. Have a heart, I’m dying here.
I don’t know….I’m thinking tomorrow I need to drink MORE Nyquil.
Right?!?!?
The whole time I was watching I just kept thinking, “Really? He’s talking about balls? So many jokes and an SNL skit are coming out of this.”
And the best part? SNL doesn’t even have to DO a skit. Just replay the actual press conference!
Fantastic!
Thanks! But what’s the most fantastic thing? Brady? My mom? The balls? All of it?
Yeah! You said it! Except about the hat – he looks like a dweeb in the hat. Totally adorbs and all, but…
Glad to hear you’ll be starting to ween yourself off the NyQuil soon. Is there a 12-step program for that?
Hey, when did you change your blog around? Am I delirious?
What? No. I didn’t change anything. Not a thing. My blog’s always looked like this. This is the way I like my blog, it’s perfect. It’s always pumped between 12.5 psi and 13.5 psi just like the WordPress rules mandate.
bwahahaha (muffles giggles with grandma-knit hat)
Looks like a what now?? [gasp] A dweeb? [choke] A DWEEB??!!! [hack, choke, gasp, hack]
Yeah. Yeah, he does. You’re right. They all do. Makes me giggle every time these players trudge back to the sidelines after a violent smackdown only to grab a mug of hot cocoa and pop on their Grandma-knit pompom hats.
Hahahaha! Jeezum Crow, your mom is right about the shrinkage.
Hope your whole family is feeling better.
My mom and George Costanza are shrinkage experts….
I’ve been waiting to read the perfect post about Tom Brady and his balls. Thank you for doing such a fantastic job!
That said, how can he be your boyfriend if he’s MY boyfriend, too? Oh well…we can work that out down the road. Rock, paper, scissors?
I hope you’re feeling better!!
Michelle
Rock…paper…scissors…. “pssssst…..BOOM!” My stick of dynamite beats anything you can throw at me. Tom is mine all mine! mwa ha haaaa!
Oh dang…I didn’t see that coming.
Well played, sister! 🙂
The Pats will win the Superbowl. GO PATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*chokes on spittle and nearly crashes to the floor*
Now I’m in a horrible Super Bowl pickle. If they win, it’s because they cheated. If they lose, it’s because they cheated. I am so sad about this now. Think I need another shot of Nyquil.
Bwhahahahaha! “Balls my ass!” Hilarious! Also, if I had heard Tommy Boy talking about his ball preferences like that, I would have checked the label too.
I know I’ve been drunk on Nyquil all week and I’m still not clear on exactly what the issue with deflategate was, but I think it went down like this:
First half of the game: the Patriots’ deflated balls only got them 14 points
Second half of the game: Pats now re-inflated balls got them 45 points
Conclusion: Pats were sabotaging themselves and were trying to lose all along.
Somehow all three of us managed to avoid catching it from my son…whew! I am especially luck because the day before I had “sampled” quite a it of a Wendy’s Frosty he was eating…because unless it’s your the calories don’t count….Right?
Oh man! What I wouldn’t give right now for a sweet delicious ice cold chocolate Frosty! (and no, the calories never count as long as you eat it super fast while hiding in the closet…)
Sorry so late to reply! I fell prey to the illness after all. Then I went to Dallas for a week with my oldest daughter. But I definitely agree about those calories not counting…and guess what? If it is something you actually order, a Diet Coke cancels out those damn calories too!
“Balls!” said the queen.
A sport where guys get paid to play with balls.
Because that’s the world we live in.
Yup, a bunch of big bratty kids get paid millions to toss their tacky balls around while everyone else gets paid bupkis slaving away at their grueling 9 to 5 jobs. It’s a mad mad world.
Oh, hey, maybe we’re all on a collective Nyquil – like “trip” and this whole thing turns out to be as harmless as Abraham Lincoln ‘ s spinning head. (Hope you’re all feeling better.)
Thanks so much Hippie! 🙂 We are all back to the land of the living this weekend!
I don’t know anything about balls, but in all these photos, Tom Brady’s head looks dangerously over-inflated, Not sure if it’s the spare air from the balls, his ego, or maybe I also need some flu medicine.
God, now that I look at him, he does have a freakishly ginormous head! That’s it! My crush on him is finally over….
Are you sure that was a real crush and not another side effect of Nyquil?
“Balls my ass” will now be used in my daily vocabulary …. Thanks mom! Glad you and the kiddies are feeling better. No words on the hubby and his lack of symptoms other than be grateful, men do not fare well as we all know.
I’m thinking of patenting the phrase and putting it on bumper stickers.
and I had to add that line about my husband because I knew he’d read this post and I wanted to make sure I got an extra jab in at his expense….mwa ha! (and yeah, he came down with a tiny cold today and all hell’s broke loose….)
Ah crap, I just realized Tom Brady is kinda hot.. when did this happen??? So this ball thing… I have much to say on the topic, but I am too busy scratching myself… okay, that was rude, I apologize. I should not be scratching myself while blogging, but it does pass the time. So to speak.
Also – people cheat in sports? Really? When did THAT start?
Don’t fight it, Trent. Go with it. Yes, he is devastatingly gorgeous. Yes, his eyes will draw you in and you’ll never leave again……sigh……
And your last line? Haha! Exactly. Cheating in sports? I am outraged! And with so much money at stake? It’s preposterous!!
Oh boy… how does someone grow up that talented, rich, and good-looking? I wanna know!
Cheating in sports… I used to pitch in high school, it’s amazing how a little dirt on a baseball makes it spin extra hard… part of the game, I guess.
Too funny! I’m glad I happened to catch a bit of the news before reading this post. Otherwise, I’d be a wee concerned about your “flu” actually bring more a case of “syphilis”. 🙂 Hope you are doing well, Darla, and happy belated birthday to your mom!
Aw, thanks, Dana! My mom had a good birthday, I’m taking her out later today (if the snow stops) to grab a dinner, maybe a hot cup of Sanka if we’re lucky….hope all is well with you! 🙂
It takes both media scandal obsession and a certain level of immaturity to drag deflategate (or ballsgate) out as it has. And you just happened to be the unsuspecting spectator on Nyquil to the mess, and press, unimpressed. If only it was about squishy balls and not cheating. Then…the media would still ruin it.
Although I’m not sick with the flu any longer, I might keep up with my Nyquil habit during the Super Bowl just in case they devote halftime to footage of officials measuring the balls.
This makes me glad I don’t follow sports. Why you could choke to death, listening to post-game show like this. Hopefully, you were snorting so much, you cleared out your flu.
Yeah, it was my laughing that finally cleared my sinuses. (good to see you Barb!)
HA! Your mom rocks, Darla! 🙂 She says it like it is, no ball-shitting around. 🙂 It’s not good that you were sick but I wish I had been able to hide from the whole ball-gate debacle! Sometimes, God gives you the flu for a good reason. Feel better! 🙂
Ball-shitting! That is my new fave phrase now. And yes, God works in mysterious ways.
Glad your over the flu but don’t leave us hanging…did they win?
I’m still not sure…now they’re talking about the potential measles outbreak at the Super Bowl.
Your mother inspired me! Long story but just know this story helped me! hahahahaha
Note to self: Do NOT, repeat DO NOT read Darla’s blog with a mouth full of a protein bar!
That was worth almost choking to death with laughter! Awesome, Darla, as usual.
This might make you laugh in return: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjC8SKHG5cU
Haha! Love it. I would kill to have a stand-up comedian job where I could just do that move over and over again.
I am so tired of the ‘haters’ who hate because a team is good. This deflation crap is just a ‘look at the grouse’ moment. It was a good game and I am glad the Pats won it. And I hope by now you are over the flu and doing well. Stay warm, winter’s gonna last six more weeks. BTW, followed from Brown Road’s BILF post, but I’ve been here before, many times, Have a great week.
One word… HILARIOUS! I could not stop laughing. Your mother is freakin funny. 😀
Too funny, Darla! They do love talking about their balls, don’t they? I’m so glad I don’t watch the news anymore. I can only imagine the banter up in the Northeast during that scandal. You know, even the ladies in the tennis league love the lingo. I played against a team once called “Fuzzy Green Ball Whackers.” I always wondered how their husbands felt about that.
(Foot)ball comments out of context + NyQuil = Hilarity 😀
That is all…
Oh, and I discovered that one of the French sports channels covers American football – with French commentary. It is highly entertaining. 😀