1. Big snow is bad. Me no likey big snow.
We’ve received approximately four feet of snow in a span of two weeks. This is the weather pattern we seem to be locked in until kingdom come: Big snowstorm, followed by 40 mph wind gusts then plummeting wind chill temps of minus-20. Two days later? Well good golly! Another big snowstorm, 50 mph gusts, plummeting temps. This weekend’s forecast? Endless snow until summer.
Conclusion? Clearly, Pa Ingalls was on crack.
2. Driving in big snow is bad. Me no likey driving in big snow.
Yesterday was a breather for us Mainers. Instead of the usual foot or so, we only got about five inches of sloppy, heavy, slushy snow. And because the teachers here don’t want to be stuck in school until mid-August, they kept schools open.
This meant I had to fire up my little tin can on wheels (Prius) and make my way down unplowed back roads that would make Vin Diesel shit his pants.
On the plus side, now my driving skills are spectacular. I managed to pull my own Tokyo drifts at every intersection and narrowly missed being crushed by a city snow plow who apparently mistook my car for a roller skate.
Sadly, I survived to face another day trapped in the Antarctic Circle. Help me. Send hard liquor.
3. The only reason we still have a shred of sanity left is because the Patriots won the Super Bowl.
Unfortunately, I didn’t watch the game. I was too busy suffering from a monster sinus/ear infection that rendered me incapable of lifting my head off my pillow. I did manage to listen to the score in between my moaning and groaning. But when I heard the Pats were down by 10 points in the fourth quarter, I threw a few more balled-up tissues at my husband and shut off the TV in disgust.
The next morning my 81-year-old mom called me (she’s a huge Patriots fan and never misses a game):
“Did you see the game? BEST GAME EVAH! BEST SUPER BOWL EVAH!
Tom Brady got MVP and he sure does deserve it! What with all that crap about him deflating balls. Tsk! Tsk! Good lord! How ’bout the Seahawks stick a deflated ball in their pipes and smoke it? Huh? Deflated balls!
But that halftime show! Oh god! That was terrible! Just awful! Katy Perry was out there prancing around with some sharks! So stupid! And her chest is just too big! Way too big! She needs to cover herself up more. Hello! We don’t care that you have a big chest! And then she sang a bunch of songs and just floated away! Well guess what Katy Perry? You sure ain’t no Lady Gaga, I can tell you that!”
4. Getting around town is like navigating the maze in The Shining.
With all this nonstop snow, just venturing outside for a walk or a short drive is a hazard. In some places the drifts are taller than I am. I went downtown to pay my oil bill and had to park three blocks away and hike through the snow because they closed down the entire town for snow removal. Yes folks — the snow here is so bad, they close towns. This was my town’s main street this morning:
As you can imagine, trying to drive around corners when the snow banks are this high is loads of fun. Is there a car coming my way? Will I pull out onto the road straight into the path of a tractor trailer truck? Who the hell knows! So every stop sign I come to, I just say a prayer and gun it.
5. My kids love the snow.
I suppose I should give up and follow their example, huh? Tomorrow I’m installing a hot tub and mini-bar.
So maybe I’ll get back to blogging more once I can take a break from all this shoveling and snow blowing and heavy drinking. I have faith one day it’ll all melt and form one giant tsunami so we can finally begin our Mud Season From Hell.
Hopefully by August if we’re lucky.