Five Things About This Winter That Will Blow Your Mind

1. Big snow is bad. Me no likey big snow.

Hey look everybody! It's fifteen feet of snow! Time to bust out the ol' snowshoes and hike to the barn for the Christmas gifts! YIPPEE!
Hey look everybody! It’s fifteen feet of snow! Time to bust out the ol’ snowshoes and hike to the barn for the Christmas gifts! YIPPEE!

We’ve received approximately four feet of snow in a span of two weeks. This is the weather pattern we seem to be locked in until kingdom come: Big snowstorm, followed by 40 mph wind gusts then plummeting wind chill temps of minus-20. Two days later? Well good golly! Another big snowstorm, 50 mph gusts, plummeting temps. This weekend’s forecast? Endless snow until summer.

Conclusion? Clearly, Pa Ingalls was on crack.

2. Driving in big snow is bad. Me no likey driving in big snow.

Slide1
HANG ON DARLA! DON’T LET GO! JUST TWO MORE DRIFTS , A 300 FOOT SLIDE AND WE’RE ALMOST OUT OF THE DRIVEWAY!

Yesterday was a breather for us Mainers. Instead of the usual foot or so, we only got about five inches of sloppy, heavy, slushy snow. And because the teachers here don’t want to be stuck in school until mid-August, they kept schools open.

This meant I had to fire up my little tin can on wheels (Prius) and make my way down unplowed back roads that would make Vin Diesel shit his pants.

On the plus side, now my driving skills are spectacular. I managed to pull my own Tokyo drifts at every intersection and narrowly missed being crushed by a city snow plow who apparently mistook my car for a roller skate.

Sadly, I survived to face another day trapped in the Antarctic Circle. Help me. Send hard liquor.

3. The only reason we still have a shred of sanity left is because the Patriots won the Super Bowl.

Unfortunately, I didn’t watch the game. I was too busy suffering from a monster sinus/ear infection that rendered me incapable of lifting my head off my pillow. I did manage to listen to the score in between my moaning and groaning.  But when I heard the Pats were down by 10 points in the fourth quarter, I threw a few more balled-up tissues at my husband and shut off the TV in disgust.

The next morning my 81-year-old mom called me (she’s a huge Patriots fan and never misses a game):

angry_old_woman

“Did you see the game?  BEST GAME EVAH! BEST SUPER BOWL EVAH!

Tom Brady got MVP and he sure does deserve it! What with all that crap about him deflating balls. Tsk! Tsk! Good lord! How ’bout the Seahawks stick a deflated ball in their pipes and smoke it? Huh? Deflated balls!

But that halftime show! Oh god! That was terrible! Just awful! Katy Perry was out there prancing around with some sharks! So stupid! And her chest is just too big! Way too big! She needs to cover herself up more. Hello! We don’t care that you have a big chest! And then she sang a bunch of songs and just floated away! Well guess what Katy Perry? You sure ain’t no Lady Gaga, I can tell you that!”

 4. Getting around town is like navigating the maze in The Shining.

thUWAKTPLI
Selfie I took this morning.

With all this nonstop snow,  just venturing outside for a walk or a short drive is a hazard. In some places the drifts are taller than I am. I went downtown to pay my oil bill and had to park three blocks away and hike through the snow because they closed down the entire town for snow removal. Yes folks — the snow here is so bad, they close towns. This was my town’s main street this morning:

downtown lisbonAs you can imagine, trying to drive around corners when the snow banks are this high is loads of fun. Is there a car coming my way? Will I pull out onto the road straight into the path of a tractor trailer truck? Who the hell knows! So every stop sign I come to, I just say a prayer and gun it.

5. My kids love the snow.

snowcave

I suppose I should give up and follow their example, huh? Tomorrow I’m installing a hot tub and mini-bar.

So maybe I’ll get back to blogging more once I can take a break from all this shoveling and snow blowing and heavy drinking. I have faith one day it’ll all melt and form one giant tsunami so we can finally begin our Mud Season From Hell.

Hopefully by August if we’re lucky.

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149 thoughts on “Five Things About This Winter That Will Blow Your Mind

  1. Ha! I would be out there with your kids in their snow cave. It’s like summer here after a few inches of snow Wednesday. The weirdest winter ever! Send snow this way!
    Honestly, I loved the halftime show and Katy’s outfits. I wasn’t expecting to, but I did. The sharks, however, didn’t really do it for me. I mean, this wasn’t the Cartoon Network with a bunch of little kids watching. Sheesh!

    Hope you’re back on your feet and out of the haze! There’s nothing worse.

    BTW you may have already corrected it, but there’s something fishy going on in your second sentence. Go ahead and edit this out of my comment!

    1. Thanks Susie! YEah, I think I’m glad I missed the halftime show as I was asleep off and on. And you can have the snow. Next week we’re forecasted to get TWO MORE FEET. I only wish I were kidding. It almost seems like it will never end.

  2. Before you have mud season, you will have the big melt. And then you’ll have to swim everywhere. And it won’t happen in August…

    Darla, Come south. I have a fully stocked liquor cabinet.

      1. I read that in Canada, in Montreal at least, the city actually removes the snow from the streets, not this moving it to the side and hoping that we get a week of 70F weather to melt it all as we do it here.

        1. Yes, this is exactly what my little town is doing today. Actually, they closed down the main few blocks of town so they can just load up all the snow into dump trucks and haul it away. I think next week we might have to do that for every road. Insane. They really don’t know where they will put the next two feet we get.

  3. pmahaney

    The snow blowing ones mind, that sounds terribly messy! At least the tradition of wearing plaid in Maine is not in jeopardy. Hope your weekend brings a return to good health Darla.

    1. Thanks! My sinuses finally cleared up last night after I went out to snow blow our 300 feet of driveway, then dig the mailbox out of a 20 foot snowbank. Sure, I felt sharp chest pains halfway through, but what’s a little heart attack? I’m a Mainer!

    1. I’ll take it. What kills me is how we don’t get even more than one day’s break in between each snow storm. I would really hate to be a meteorologist up here now, I bet they’re getting hate mail.

      1. Down here in CT, we’re getting a break — a whole afternoon without snow and a few hours of sunshine, but COLD — with more snow & cold predicted for the next 3 days. Id never want to be a meteorologist, especially in winter — it’s too easy to blame them for our Cabin Fever woes. Hang in, 40 days and 3 hours until spring.

  4. I’ll be sure to pack my snowshoes for when we visit Maine this summer. Reminds me of the winter of 1978. Yup. Lots of snow. And to think, we’re in the upper 50’s the past two days. The plants are so confused I saw some daffodils in bloom. What’s this world coming to? One minute it’s global warming; the next it’s snowmageddon.

  5. May I commiserate? I’m in Boston, and am on the verge of opening my window and shaking my fist at the weather gods. Actually, I doubt I could get a window open, since everything is frozen shut. All forms of transportation are questionable, including walking. The T is kaput. There is nowhere to put the snow that has already fallen.

    85 continuous hours of snow coming. 85! I’m a little rough on my math, but how many bottles of wine is that? 7 or 70?

    1. oh you totally deserve to commiserate! You guys are the only ones who are going through it and worse. No lie, I’m starting to crack a little. I went outside last night to snow blow and nearly froze. My legs went numb and I didn’t even care because I was that desperate to just get out of this house for a few minutes. I think after all this hell we both deserve an early warm spring. We just gotta hang onto our sanity until then.

  6. Too bad you don’t have Pa Ingalls around to help. You could flip him upside down and sweep the snow off the driveway with his bouffant.

    I’m sending a St. Bernard with a cask of rum. No…sorry, he can’t get to you through the snow. I’m drinking a bunch of rum in your honor.

  7. I heard on the radio that Boston (yes, I know you’re north of Boston) received the average snowfall for an entire season in just 10-days. We’ve had winters like that here as well. Last one was catastrophic. WHY oh WHY do we live here? I lived in Phoenix for 18 months and left because it was too hot for me. What an idiot.

    I don’t ski. The best skiing weather is the worst driving weather.

    Why did you have to bring up Tom Underpants? He’s a little bitch. I didn’t watch the game because of tsunami of hatred in my heart. But I *did* watch the halftime show. Katy Perry = 0% body fat. Told my wife that and she got really angry at me. Still not sure why.

    Thanks, again. Wink.

    1. Oh god yes — this snow is just perfect for skiing! Ooh goody! Every weather forecast some reporter is standing outside in the snow saying “But at least the skiers are happy! 45 inches of packed powder!” Y’know what? Screw the skiers!

      I choose to ignore your comments about my ex-boyfriend.

      Did you also mention how Katy Perry has too big of a chest? I bet your wife would love that.

      You are most welcome. And just what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be busy moderating comments? Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge….say no more….know what I mean? know what I mean? (every time I see the word wink I think Monty Python)

      1. I held back, wanting to gripe a bit about our lack of snow, but I would’ve sounded like a jerk. Apparently, we will no longer get moderate snowfall. We will either get a blizzard or glacial melting, according to the climatologists (which sounds like a made up word, might as well call them snowologists or guesstimators).

        1. Yes, we’re living in the state of extremes. I assume next month it’ll be 80 degrees here.

          I normally don’t mind some snow. But what’s really killing us all here are the brutal temps. What good is snow when the kids can only go outside for 10 minutes before frostbite sets in? If only it would rise above 25 degrees just one day!

  8. I thought you Mainards were tougher than this? J/K we’ve only had about 2 feet during the last couple weeks so you’re way ahead of us. Oh… and I loved the Katy Perry show. I don’t remember sharks though. There were sharks? I guess I was too busy looking at her… ummm… never mind…

    1. Ha ha! Mainards?? Oh my. That pretty much sums us up doesn’t it….

      Oh and let me just say BOO HOO about your pathetic two feet! You poor baby! WAHHHHHH! I laugh at your two feet! Bwah hahahahahhaa!

      (I may be losing it, Steve, and for that I apologize)

      And yes, you clearly were too busy looking at Katy Perry’s way too big chest. My mom is very disappointed in you.

      1. LOL. All joking (and derogatory names) aside, I actually thought that’s what people from Maine were called. Guess I should know having spent four years there. So I googled Mainards, and the first search result was Menards (the hardware store) which made me laugh! So then I googled “what are people from Maine called” and determined its Mainers and/or yes… wait for it…. Maineiacs. So there you have it! I still like Mainards. 🙂 All better than Michiganders which I’ve always hated, although I just read Abraham Lincoln coined that term so maybe its not so bad.

  9. I’m so ashamed! I’ve been complaining about 30 degree weather and rain. Piece of cake I now know. But I’m in Florida for goodness sake! The Sunshine State. You are very brave to drive in that mess! ~Elle

  10. Who knew the weather could be so fascinating? It’s all we seem to talk about anymore. I’m not sure which is worse, the new ice age or the yo yo. Yesterday it was in the thirties, tomorrow is supposed to be in the high seventies. I hope you don’t get run over by a snow plow.

    1. I’ve decided that the next time I turn on the TV and see yet another @@#$&*ing reporter uttering the word SNOW I will lose it completely. We’re used to snow, but not an entire season in a few weeks.

  11. What’s so bizarre to me is that we’ve been pretty lucky (*knocks wood*) in terms of snow accumulation this winter. We had a few subzero temp days back in December, but for being The Great White North, we’re missing a whole lot of the white stuff. I can actually see parts of my lawn. In Minnesota. In February.

    That ain’t right.

    1. I’ve lived here most of my life and I have seen lots of snow, but what makes this odd is how much we’ve received in just a short amount of time. We got an entire winter’s worth in 10 days. I prefer to have my snow spread out.

  12. Jeezum Crow, I could have written this. Except for the fact that you write better. Plus you’re funnier. Plus…..Well, anyway, in North Central Mass we have had the same damn weather pattern and the same damn icy/snowy commute to work. And the same Tom Brady as God moment last Sunday.
    And Me No Likey anything about this crappy winter!

      1. Yay, Pats, I guess. I’m just counting down to spring training, personally. We are about an hour and a half from Boston, so we aren’t getting quite as much. Still there are at least 4 feet on the ground and its snowing like crazy here. My garden fence is buried and we’re worried that the dogs are going to be able to escape over the chain link fence!

  13. I’m not saying more, I’m from CA.
    I had a post about the ‘fog’ that descended on our town – around the time NE states are getting ‘walled in’ by the massive amount of snow and I’ve never felt so embarrassed by it! Loved the pictures though!!!

  14. Darla, this is insane! Your kids look like Eskimos. Sorry to hear about your illness. I missed the end of the Super Bowl, too, if that’s any consolation, the game they’ll talk about for the next 100 years. I did catch some of the silly halftime show. What’s up with the dancing sharks? Did we all go to Disneyland or something? Hang in there with the snow. If you can believe it, we have rain in California and it’s a great storm. Finally!

    1. Amy, I can’t believe I missed the ending to that game! I didn’t miss any games all season long, and figures I’d turn the TV off right before the miracle interception. I actually found out they won through my mom’s phone call. And she was too preoccupied about Katy Perry floating away. I heard about Cali and the rain. Too bad all our weather now is extreme, it’s either drought or flood.

  15. More Tom Brady talk! I hear your pain, Ontario’s had another hard winter and while I don’t mind the snow, the killer cold just keeps you from enjoying what you can of the white stuff when it falls. But don’t worry. I will send the hard liquor, I’m pretty well-stocked. That Vin Diesel photo cracked me up, by the way.

    1. I know, aside from the fact we can barely drive down the roads because they’re so narrow now, it’s the relentless bitter cold that’s driving us all crazy. My kids have this amazing snow cave and tunnel but they can only go outside in 10 minute intervals! I’m happy you enjoyed me in the Vin Diesel photo. Took me hours of working out to carve those killer biceps.

  16. I read this post in a near panic, Darla. You didn’t mention how you’re getting coffee. Is the coffee shop open? Have you stocked up? Please say yes.
    Otherwise I’ll put some coffee grounds into a little barrel, hang it around a Saint Bernard’s neck, and send him through the snow drifts to your house. (I’ll include some gin for good measure.)

  17. Your ‘selfie’ is hysterical Jack Nicholson should take lessons. I am in awe on how you create humor from pain and 5-foot high snow drifts. If I was still up north, I’d be right with you downing a bottle of a liquid ‘cure-all.’ Hang in there, Darla. Spring’s coming. 😉

    1. Thanks, Judy. I hate to sound trite, but if I didn’t laugh hysterically, I’d cry. There’s a very fine line in between the two emotions right now. I think most of us have completely cracked at this point. What’s killing me is it’s only FEBRUARY. Maine normally gets snow until April.

  18. Darla, you deserve a medal for driving in snow. I get white knuckles when there’s rain on the road. Also, you’ve taken your photo shop skills to another level. You’re kind of a PowerPoint NINJA–busting out images in lightening speed.
    Love the fact that your mom says, “EVAH.” That killed me.

    1. I have to admit, I tend to panic driving in any snow, so for me to go out and slide everywhere with my two kids in the car really freaked me out. I just make sure I go super slow so when my car starts sliding, it gives me plenty of room so I won’t hit the car in front of me. And thank you for the powerpoint compliment. People don’t realize the blood sweat and tears involved in crafting these lame images.

  19. Back in early 1977, my parents and I were caught and trapped by a blizzard in Watertown, NY, and they not only closed the city but the county roads as well – for 5 days! I am glad that I don’t live on the eastern end of Lake Erie, but rather on the west side of Lake Michigan. I’ve never been to Maine, but I’ve been close.

  20. Well I’m one of those people who wants you to send the snow our way! Your kids have the right idea. What’s not to love? Apart from not being able to go anywhere or do anything. But it’s so pretty, I want me some of that pretty out of my window!

  21. My sister-in-law lives up there….why? That is the million dollar question. That photo of the town is mind blowing to me. Living in Philadelphia I can not even imagine the complete panic that would happen if we got that much snow…I have goosebumps.
    Hang in there August is right around the corner!

    1. Oh! So you know what I’m talkin’ about, huh. And guess what? In case you didn’t see today’s forecast, we’re getting 12 to 20 more inches Sunday! Yes! And another storm next Wednesday! And my kids will be stuck at home all week because it’s winter vacation! yay!!!

  22. Having survived the “Blizzard of ’78” I thought it couldn’t be topped… however, watching the posts from home (Boston area) it’s stunning to see! Weather seems to be the main topic of conversation all over right now! Too much rain in WA state, where I live, and a giant stand storm blanketing all of Israel (where I currently am) with strong, cold winds and inches of sand! I can’t imagine how all of you are weathering this back East though! Uncle! 😉

    1. You said it! I am very close to completely losing it. I’ve lived here most of my life and this winter has got to be the worst amount of endless snow I’ve ever seen. I also lived in Olympia for two years way back in college and I remember the relentless rain, it was pretty depressing. But I can’t say I’ve ever been to Israel and endured a sand storm. Wowza! Stay safe.

  23. Great post. I’m in Boston, so I totally feel ya.

    My kids also love it. We built a five foot sledding hill in our back yard… not that we had to add much snow to make it that high. Pouring wine now. Bottoms up!

    1. Good lord, yes. I just finished off a nice fat glass of wine and suddenly the upcoming giant blizzard of two feet additional snow we’re getting this weekend doesn’t seem so bad… just have to make sure I stock up on my boxed wine…

  24. good Lord you have a lot of comments–so other people know what a wonderfully humourous writer you are too! your winter is much worse than mine in the most southerly point of Canada–but it is still darn cold here—whoever called us the SunParlour of Canada needs to be shot–at least your winter does not exceed expectations–don’t you usually have winter until August?

    1. Really? Our winter is worse than southern Canada?? Yeah, it’s been pure hell, I’m not gonna lie. We had it pretty easy up until the end of January, then BAM! Endless bitter cold and a giant snowstorm every third day. And guess what? We’re getting ANOTHER BLIZZARD this weekend!! YEAH! up to two more feet on top of the five feet we already have! Wahoooooooo! Seriously, I would move if I didn’t have kids. I’d be in Costa Rica right now.

      1. We do not get the severe winters most of the rest of Canada gets and you guys get much worse–if you look on a map we are south of you here in southwestern Ontario (I think–I only passed geography because of the essays I wrote–not my knowledge)

  25. violetheartache

    I seriously peed my pants reading this. The ongoing snow has just been depressing and annoying. Then you get the 70mph winds and my little Fiat is in the next door neighbors driveway. The best is when they leave the schools open. Its all good, you can kill yourself getting there, I’m keeping my kid home. Spring come soon, make this bad, awful nightmare go away!

    1. You said it. We’re getting more snow every few days all school vacation week this week. Next week so help me god if there’s one single flake falling from that sky I will NOT bring my kids to school and stay inside. They can go to school until fourth of July for all I care.

      1. I wouldn’t even know what a ‘snow day’ is here in Houston. It might be something like our ‘hurricane day,’ minus the hot and muggy. I hope that you guys thaw out soon, Darla. Or not (judging by the happy kid faces in the snow fort). 😀

  26. Hey all you snow birds, YOUR spring is all settled in down here! Spring’s all comfy with his bermuda shorts and pina colada on my back porch. So sorry to have waylaid him.

    Yeah, Dar. “Mud Season From Hell” always follows, doesn’t it? However it is, that town scene is splendidly beautiful. I (almost) wish I was walking around there sipping on a hot latte, looking forward to coming home to Houston…where there’s NO SNOW.

    1. Hmm….I don’t know, Shan. Seems the arctic blast has extended all the way down to Florida today. My evil plan is working. This weekend, who knows? Maybe I’ll get it to swing a little to the left …

  27. I have to work outside in this every day . . . . it was minus fourteen yesterday . . . . When I get home from working in this, I blog furiously, hoping that a blog talent scout will notice me and offer me a blogging contract worth a million dollars so I dont’ have to work outside in this any longer.

    Is there such things as blog talent scouts? I hope so.

    1. Are there blog talent scouts? Well, if not, I am screwed because that was my career plan all along.

      And that sucks you have to freeze outside every day. Today in Maine it’s minus 15 but Sunday it will hit a balmy 40 degrees. I am so excited about this it’s ridiculous. Time to bust out the shorts!

  28. This post was hysterical. It had me laughing out loud. I am in upstate New York and can totally relate! I am an artist and love painting snow, but I am finding myself saying, “ooohhh kaaay… enough is enough!!” Thanks for sharing this post! ~Rita

  29. Hello old friend! And by “old friend” I of course mean gorgeously youthful. Hope you are hanging tough in the tundra. Just now getting home from school run I noticed water – actual LIQUID – seeping from the corners of the snowbanks onto the black driveway. And I nearly cried SPRING!! Hope all is well babe. I’m back in the blogoverse and hope to stay here for some time. Just checking in on all my old (young) faves. XO!

    1. Hey! So good to see you again! Hope you stick around an blog more again.

      Here’s some good news: this week we’ll get above freezing almost every day. And hardly any snow! Can I have an amen?! In a way I hope things melt slowly or our backyard will be a giant lake in no time.

  30. I am glad I got to experience big snow in New Jersey when I was very young. My poor dad, though, had to shovel out the driveway to go to work. Remember he was from Mexico City and amazingly knew what to do, how to drive in the stuff and not complain. I remember carving out snow forts and caves from tall drifts. BUT as an adult, I don’t think I could handle it now. Apparently you had power. Thank the Lord.

  31. Stop! I’m moving from the broiling Texas sun to the Colorado mountain snow in December. Yeah, I know Colorado in December but that is when our house is closing. I was born in Galveston and I hate the freakin sun. Maybe we should trade for a couple of weeks but I promise you that you would be crying for snow.😏

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