I am such a good liar!
…or am I?
As a writer, I’ve got a good imagination so I like to make stuff up. I’ve been known to elaborate a little when I remember a past story from my life. If I were to give a rough estimate, I’d say about 99.99% of my posts are complete BS. Yep, I made it all up.
Nah, I’m kidding! It was all true! See how good I am at lying?
So do you think you can spot a lie? Time for the misremembering game that’s sweeping our nation –
I lied. It’s really time for three truths and a lie. Damn, I’m good.
The following are a few short stories about things that really happened in my life. Really, I swear!
Your job is to figure out which one of the following tales is a lie. Give your answer in the comments. I’ll reveal the lie one week from today. If you get it right you’ll have a chance to win a signed copy of Stephen King’s latest book Revival!
I lied again. (Sorry but I’m not on speaking terms with good ol’ Steve-o anymore, ahem.) But you WILL win the right to sing “liar liar pants on fire” at the computer screen — just as good, amirite?
OK, fine — I’ll randomly pick from the winning guesses (who reside in the US, preferably within 5 miles of the nearest snowmobile trail) and mail that lucky person a copy of Amy Poehler’s book, Yes Please.* (and yes, I’m being serious now)
STORY #1
One foggy summer night back in 1997, I was driving home from work on a desolate country road. Suddenly a voice sliced through my thoughts:
TURN OFF THE RADIO.
I sat straight up in my seat, the hairs on the back of my neck prickling. I switched off the radio.
MAKE SURE THERE ARE NO CARS IN ONCOMING LANE, the voice commanded.
I peered out at the road, my headlights illuminating a blur of dark pine trees racing past as I zipped along the curves of route 136. Before I had a chance to process why I was hallucinating, another demand:
SLOW DOWN NOW.
Without questioning, I did as I was instructed. While rounding a sharp corner, I braked and slowed down to 50 mph. Suddenly a dark mass filled my windshield. I slammed on the brakes, my car skidding for several yards into the oncoming lane. But it was too late, the sudden impact crushed the front of my little Ford Fiesta. I violently slammed forward then backward in my seat, severely twisting my back and neck.
I had hit a moose.
Somehow I managed to drive a short distance to find a phone and call the police (I didn’t have a cell phone back then). Sadly, the moose didn’t survive. But everyone from the cops to the mechanics to the insurance agent told me I was lucky to be alive at all because most people are killed instantly when the moose sails through the windshield. If I were going any faster, I wouldn’t be here right now telling you this story.
Was the voice I thought I heard my own intuition? Or God? A guardian angel? Whatever or whoever it was, there’s no doubt it saved my life.
STORY #2
Our current house was haunted for a time. Lights would turn off and on, TV channels would change by themselves. I’d put something down in the kitchen only to turn around and find it missing. Once my entire family watched as a glass bowl slid straight off the kitchen counter by itself and onto the floor, shattering into pieces.
Sometimes at night I’d feel the faint sensation of someone sitting on the edge of my bed. Once while I was still wide awake, someone tapped my feet. I thought it was one of my kids so I sat up to peer into the darkness only to find no one was there.
I decided to ask a psychic friend of mine to “channel” the spirit for me. According to her, he was an old farmer who had lived in the 1950s near the very spot where our house now stood. She said he was searching for his tools because he used to fix tractors out in his shed, and this is why we’d find things misplaced. Why did he insist on haunting us? Apparently while alive he wasn’t a spiritual man and therefore wasn’t accepting he was truly dead.
She suggested I politely tell the ghost to “go outside because his tools weren’t in our house”. As silly as it sounds, I did this several times out loud. “Hey, farmer man!” I yelled in between giggles to the empty room. “Sorry, but your tools aren’t here! You can go outside now! Oh — and go towards the light! Thanks and good luck!”
A few days later it seemed to have worked. The air was clearer, no longer heavy with a spirit’s presence. The strange electricity occurrences and creepy nighttime visits disappeared. Our farmer was gone. Maybe he finally found his tractor tools outside in the shed? I chuckled to myself.
The following week my mom who lives right next door called me on the phone. “It’s the oddest thing,” she said. “I think my house is haunted. Someone moved all of the utensils around in the kitchen and the lights keep going on and off!”
Oops.
STORY #3
Back in my 20s, I used to hike at Wolfe Neck State Park off the coast of Freeport, Maine. One overcast day, I invited my mother to come along. We parked our car and started down a long winding trail in the woods that led to the ocean.
We heard a car pulling in, so I glanced behind me and noticed a man jogging in our direction. As he passed us further on down the trail, he took off his shirt and disappeared around the bend. An unsettling feeling washed over me but I shook it off. My mother and I continued our walk, admiring the stillness of the forest and the soft crashing of the waves in the distance.
We rounded a corner and there was the man again. Only this time he was holding his clothes in his hands — all of them. Standing there completely naked, he held up his hands, revealing a very sad and direct view of his nether regions.
“Do you ladies know the time?” he asked, like it was perfectly normal question.
My blood ran cold. I panicked, unsure of what to do next. Was this really happening? Is he going to do something else now? Should I scream or run?
Thankfully, I didn’t have time to figure out my next move because my mom disarmed the entire situation by bursting into incredulous laughter. “Time? TIME?” she yelled. “I think time is the least of your worries, buddy!”
Suddenly appearing embarrassed, the man covered himself up and looked down at the ground.
My mother and I hustled down the path past him unsure of what to do next. When he was out of sight, we quickly make our way back to the parking lot using another path which turned out to be the longest hike of my life. We immediately told the park gatekeeper what happened. A police officer soon arrived to take down our names and all the details.
“Can you describe the suspect?” he asked.
“Well, we sure as hell weren’t looking at his face, if that’s what your asking!” my mom sneered in disgust.
A few days later, I opened the local newspaper and gasped. Apparently, The Mid Coast Flasher was nabbed, his reign of terror finally over. For months he’d successfully flashed several other women at various spots up and down the coast. His signature move? Asking for the time. Studying his mug shot, I had only one thought.:
Oh, so THAT’S what he looks like!
STORY #4
Around 1998, the movie “Message in a Bottle” starring Paul Newman, Kevin Costner and Robin Wright was filmed off the coast of Maine at Popham Beach, not far from where I lived in the tourist trap outlet town of Freeport.
My house was right next to L.L.Bean’s main retail store, so most summer nights my younger brother, Chris and I would sit on a park bench downtown to eat a Ben & Jerry’s cone and people watch.
One muggy night in August, we bought our cones and sat down on the bench next to an old man wearing a NY Yankees baseball hat. He responded to our presence by grunting under his breath and pulling the cap down over his eyes.
Minutes ticked by as Chris and I giggled and chatted, both of us noticing the tourist growing more agitated by our conversation.
“Holy shit!” the old man suddenly growled. “Isn’t there anything to do in this godforsaken town but sit and eat goddamn ice cream? Jesus!”
I turned my head and looked straight into a pair of unmistakable baby blue eyes now glaring back at me from underneath the baseball cap.
No, it couldn’t be him! …could it?
Before we had a chance to respond, another man walked up holding two cones. “Beautiful night, isn’t it?” he smiled at us.
“Um….y-yeah….” I stuttered.
The man then turned his attention to the crabby codger on the bench. “Chunky Monkey, right, Paul?”
“Just give it to me for chrissakes,” he grumbled, grabbing his cone. We watched in disbelief as the two men strolled off into the night.
And that was the day I met both Kevin Costner and Paul Newman.
______________________________________________________
Okay! Wow. I’ve lived quite the exciting life, huh?
So what’s the lie? Is it
1) The Voice Saves Darla
2) Ghost Farmer Relocates
3) Flasher Needs A Watch
4) Paul Newman Was One Grumpy Chunky Monkey
If you guys all guess correctly, well then…maybe I should practice lying more?
_______________________________________________________
*If no one guesses correctly I reserve the right to read Amy’s book myself while gloating about how I’m such a good liar.
She's A Maineiac 
Darla, I’m guessing it was Paul and Kevin. Paul Newman lived in my hometown of Westport for many years. He was always out and about and he was never crabby. Not even with his daughter when she dropped an ice cream cone on my foot at Baskin’ Robbins.
hmm…. okay….I’m sure normally he was a very nice person.
Number 2? They were all very believable. 🙂
Your life scares me a little, I’m not going to lie. I choose number 3, because I like that story the least 😀
You and me both. And I had to actually LIVE that one.
…or did I?
And I love it the most – to embarass a flasher .. of course it is a lie, isn’t it? But funny! Still – the reaction of Darla’s Mom is so believable …
You are waaaaay too good at lying, Darla. I don’t even believe you live in Maine anymore. I think they could all have happened. I’ve seen ghosts and they’ve done all kinds of shenanigans in my house. I’ve met celebrities. I’ve hit rabbits while driving, but my brother and dad both hit deer. Naked guys hang out in parks and that sounded just like your mom.
I’m going to guess #2.
Hahaha!! Oh how I loved your comment. Yep, truth is stranger than fiction and I know you know this all too well, Susie!
🙂 I got a million of them and am considering telling another “ironic” story in a post on Wednesday. Some may think I’ve really jumped the shark. Ha!
Paul&kevin,lie!
Eenie-meenie-miney-number 3.
(P.S. I’m concerned about your estrangement from Stephen. I hope you two kids can work it out.)
So do I. Man, he can be such a jerk sometimes. And I suppose I shouldn’t get on his bad side, huh…
I’m guessing #1, as I have been told you won’t survive hitting a moose head on, but I believe in “guardians” so could be totally true…therefore I have no idea. You’re good!
Well, technically this crash was a “ass-on” collision…I hit the moose from behind.
Reblogged this on rennydioknodotcom.
I am wavering between 2 stories. I will pick…. #4. The best “stories” have bits of truth in them… that’s what makes this so hard!
So true! Or false…I think I’ve confused even myself now…
Wow! This is tough! I’m going to guess #2 – The Ghost Farmer. Not because it wasn’t a great story, mind you, but because out of all of them I think this one may not be true.
Does seem pretty far-fetched. or does it…?
number two–I don’t know why–though I never thought of Paul Newman as crabby so maybe number three– one and three really ring true–you are one heck of a good story teller Darla!
Paul seems like he would have been such a sweet guy, but then I know some actors do this “method acting” where they continue to be like their characters even off-set. Or maybe he was just pissed they didn’t have Chubby Hubby flavor? Hmmm…..
lol
Heh. I know you TOO well to throw my fascinator in the ring. Although I really want that book….
Dooooo it. I want to see what type of fascinator you wear.
You ARE a fantastic liar, which is just one of the things I love about you.
And apparently I DON’T know you TOO well cuz I don’t know which one isn’t true like Jules. Awkward.
So I’ll guess #4, ‘K?
Okay. Is that your final answer?
Which reminds me of the time Regis Philbin and I were out antiquing together last summer…man, he was such a tightwad.
I want to say that they are all lies… Are we sure it’s not 3 lies and 1 truth? Hmph. I’m going to guess number 4 is “the lie” but I have no faith in myself. You’re good!
Well, they very well could be all lies. Or all truths! Who knows? This entire blog could be a figment and I’m really Brian Williams.
I’m thinking #4. Paul Newman couldn’t be crabby 😉
True, true. Unless you’re wrong. But good guess! (or bad guess…)
Haha! I could be wrong!
I’m just going to be wacky here and say #1, I live in Northern Canada and those damn things can get hit by a train and keep walking.
Good reasoning. Except this moose did survive, but had to be tragically put out of her misery. I wasn’t there when this happened, but the cops told me. I can barely handle killing a fly let alone a moose, so I was pretty hysterical.
Sounds like free meat to me! Yum!!! Not too sure where you’re from but that would’ve been a freezer stocker!
There is an unwritten rule here in Maine: if you kill it, you get to eat it. I gave the moose away, not a big fan.
#2. It might be partially true, but it’s just too perfect of a story to be 100% true. Or maybe not. I don’t even know anymore!! All I know is that I want that book!
Well, does it help you to know I’ve had many haunted ghostly encounters my entire life? And that I see dead people?
No, that I believe. That’s why I said partially true. A good lie always has elements of truth. So, you’ve definety had ghosts, but I don’t believe you magically sent him downstairs to your mom. Or do I?
Hmm…all great stories, Darla. I believe every one of them, but since you’ve told me one is a lie and we’re guessing here…oh, I’d say story #2 is the lie. The farmer’s story! Am I right? Am I right?!!
I would tell you the answer but it might be a lie.
This weirding me out, you are an awesome liar…. I am going to go with number ….. TWO
Two does seem ridiculous….but then my life is ridiculous in general.
You’ve got me stumped, Darla. (If that’s even your name…)
I’m going to go with # 4.
I know, like Darla is a real name!
I’ve never thought so, Miss Darlypants.
Darla, I sure hope your not living a lie, that way I’m bound to get three correct. Speaking of number #1. The rear ender is true. #2. I think this… is… maybe the lie. But if it shows up on Zack’s “Ghost Adventures” I might come and haunt you. #3. Gotta be true, its too funny not to be! #4. I know you’d never speak ill of the dead, but, although Paul was usually calm in real life—or at least he appeared to be—everyone has their bad days… until they get their ice cream cone. So number #2 is the lie.
Hmm…. great deducing skills…. but you’re dead wrong.
Or are you?
Oh I hate second guessing myself. I’m more a third, fourth, or even fifth guessing myself kind of guy. Or am I? ;o)
I’m going with #2, the ghost farmer, because your mom would have been aware of your ghost situation and when he moved to her place, she would have been angry at you for sending him her way – not surprised at things being misplaced. I’ll be talking to you next week when you need my address for sending the book 🙂
But I forgot to add my mom actually likes being haunted. She thinks my late father speaks to her through her smoke alarm.
Who are we to say he doesn’t?
Masterful piece of writing. Sadly, I’m not eligible to vote.
Because I’M IN ITALY!
Or am I?
But I will tune in next week for the big reveal.
Or will I?
*two sides of BD’s brain fight for the right to maybe show up)
You’re in ITALY???!!!! (gasp) But that’s on my bucket list! (when I say bucket list, I mean the list I keep in a bucket of the places I’d like to go one day once I hit the lottery)
Well, I’m stuck between #2 and #3 ’cause I’m pretty sure #1 and #4 are true stories. Hmmmm…..
Guess I’ll go with #3 just cause.
Duly noted…..I’m really surprised more people don’t believe the flasher story. I guess they just assume I’m a natural target for that sort of thing?
What a fun game! Women have an unfair advantage because they’re all excellent liars. (Braces for impact.)
You probably don’t know this, but I’m a low-level rare book dealer. I collect signed first editions. Your first lie gave me a cheap thrill. Thanks for nothing, little liar.
A telepathic moose?! I don’t think so. It’s a lie.
Did your “psychic” friend ask for money? Because THAT I’d believe.
Flasher stories are a dime a dozen on the subways. That’s true.
You should’ve assaulted Paul Newman and Kevin Costner. It’s not like that’ll come up again.
Is the prize a gently used copy or brand-new? Is it signed? And I don’t mean by you.
You leave the best comments, they should Freshly Press you just for that.
So you don’t believe I can survive a moose collision at 50 mph driving my Ford Fiesta aka Can of Spam on Wheels? Or that my intuition saved me? Don’t blame you, it really is a fantastical story. But then my life has been like that from day one.
Yes…I give good comment.
I’m always highly suspicious of the ‘voices in my head’ scenario. It’s very dangerous to take people like that seriously, don’t you agree?
What about the shiny brass ring? The book? Is that really in the offering or is that just another of your well-crafted fibs?
Please! Yes — I will send a winner a copy of Yes Please.
(as you can see, I’m not great at giving good comment)
You need to give more comment. The more comment you give, the better you get at it. That’s how I got so good! I give good comment to pretty much anyone who asks for it.
I think I just busted the needle on the metaphor meter.
Never mind “liking” my comment. Who won? Get on with it. Anticipation Nation awaits your answer.
I love this idea! One of my college creative writing professors assigned us this game once. It was quite tricky, and so are yours. I say number two is a lie.
The great part is my life really is hard to believe most days so to come up with these ridiculous stories was easy for me.
This is great! So glad I had a moment to be able to read these. I’m going with #4, only because I totally believe the moose-ass story, and the flasher story, and I KNOW you’ve told ghost stories that are true in the past. #4, #4, #4! But, oh, how I would that one to be true, too. Maybe they ARE all true, and that’s the lie! 😉 Fun times! XOXO-Kasey
I find it funny that pretty much everyone believes that flasher story. Darla and her mom were flashed? Of course they were!
Without reading anyone else’s comments, I think story 3 is the lie. Or at least I hope it is.
I only wish that were true. Or false.
#2 is fake. My logic? Although you certainly could have exaggerated any of these, I know you’ve hit a moose, I know you lived right next to LL Bean and it wouldn’t surprise me in the least to find some naked guy running around in the woods of Maine!!! Plus farmers don’t haunt houses, its mostly just women and creepy little kids.
Yes, naked men in Maine? Puh-lease, they’re a dime a dozen. Still you’re dead wrong. Maybe…
#2 I think you ripped off too much from Poltergeist, but not enough to be cover your tracks.
But my second choice #3, just because after putting down the above I could remember the basics of all the stories except #3.
Im guessing it’s the voice that saves you from the moose though every scenario seems plausible. Was about to Google the Flasher and quickly thought better not…
You are very wise, Joe.
I believed them all, but the atheist in me wants to think that #1 is the lie. So I’m going with number 1.
Sound logic. But the voice could have just been my inner intuition… maybe.
You should practice lying more. Hope the spring thaw comes soon.
I really should. It’s fun. Wait a sec- what are you trying to tell me?
We are hitting 45 degrees tomorrow! Getting six inches of snow tonight first, but still! 45 degrees! wahoooooo!
All of these sound convincing to me, Darla. But, I’ll go with story # 2. Only because it sounds the most like the type of punch line joke email I’m likely to get from a friend when I’m bored out of my brains while held hostage at my desk at The Grind.
Good guess. It’s dead wrong, but good guess. I’ve lived through many a haunting, I’m a ghost magnet.
You might be just that, but it might have skipped a generation with Mom of Darla.
I know I’m not eligible to win, but I can still play right? Well I’m going to and you can’t stop me! I’m going to go with number 4, although really it could be any one of them!
I would love to mail the book to you, V but I spent all my extra cash on snow shovels this year.
Okay, Darla. I think you’re yanking us around and they’re all lies. And if we fall for these, then you know in the future that you can tell us ANYTHING and we’ll eat it up.
Or….
Maybe they’re all true..????
Either way, I think you should read the book. Underline the funny parts (and the lies) before sending it out.
Now why didn’t I think of that? I could have made them all up! mwa ha haaaa!
I must hurry up and read Amy’s book this week so I can send it out to the winner. Who doesn’t like a worn dog-eared book? And by the way, what is your guess?
I love this game. As a teacher, I always use it as an ice breaker at the start of the school year. What a brilliant way to get the kids to realise you are real, not just a robot sent to educate!
http:/lifeaccordingtoshreya.wordpress.com
My kids still think of me as a robot, though. A robot Mom maid sent to wait on them hand and foot.
That sounds like the kind of mum who is also called Super Mum!
Or very gullible. Maybe my 12-year-old son IS capable of getting his own toast after all?
I’m not sure, toast can be tricky!
I say #4. No way Paul Newman ate anything other than Newman’s Own brand food.
I suspect this is why he was in such a bad mood, the terrible ice cream. Or more plausible — Kevin Costner was driving him up a wall with all his cheerful “aw, shucks” goofiness crap.
Paul Newman wasn’t that grouchy. A lie. (Please)
I’m guessing number 2. Of course you have a guardian angel. And would encounter a naked jogger. And anyone could go bonkers being stuck in Freeport too long! Truth.
Yeah, of course! Naked joggers in Maine? Pffft. After the long winter we just had? I suspect they’ll be out in droves come April.
These all sound like they TOTALLY could have happened to you.
I’m going with story #2.
But I’m torn because Paul Newman has such kind eyes…
Oh, my deer sweet RP…. you are wrong, but nice try anyway. Paul does have kind eyes.
I’m going with #4, because all the others are completely legit. You have spoken of a bad back in the past, which obviously occurred in the #1 accident. Why wouldn’t a ghost hang with your family, you are freaking hilarious and #3 did seem a little shady, only because I can’t imagine your snarky mom wanting to hike, but then again she does seem to have an adventurous side. For god sakes the woman still drinks Sanka, so # 4 it is due to process of elimination.
Yeah, she still is fiery even today without the Sanka, and that flasher incident happened almost 20 years ago. Great deducing skills my dear Watson.
I’m going with 2 because I want to believe the Paul Newman story.
So, what else is there to do in your town besides eat ice cream? Ice cream is all that matters, duh! Hmmmmm. I am going to say that # 2 is the lie. That farmer sounded like a tool! 🙂
Man, he sure was. Thankfully he went towards the light since then.
Hmmm, I suspect you of being tricksy, so I will say the 1st story is the lie. But I think you didn’t hit a moose. It was probably just a deer or something else. Is that it???
I just really want the Paul Newman story to be true. Like an old pissed off about ice cream. That’s just classy.
Yeah, ice cream really fries my taters, too.
Hm…I’ll choose “Flasher Needs A Watch,” because your comment at the end made me laugh too hard. Nothing that you EVER write makes me laugh, so that’s got to be it.
Oh yeah, totally, Shan. My fave part of that story was my mom’s response to him. Nothing ever fazes her, even a naked jogger.
Isn’t there a saying about writers which goes something along the lines of ‘we lie for a living?’ That said, as long as you’re entertaining us, fiction or non-fiction, bravo!
Thank you, Renee. That means a lot coming from a real writer like you.
The flasher for sure!
I’m guessing that #4 is a lie – Paul Newman the Grump.
I am in India. I might not really get the book but I am too hooked to not to guess. My guess is #1 .
Well, I’m happy you entered anyway. The more, the merrier.
I always found that the truth has this to recommend it: you don’t have to think too much about it. And you don’t need a well-functioning memory either because the thing about lying, even badly or carelessly, is that it takes effort. That really doesn’t suit me.
A good lie takes up so much time and effort, you’re right. Then if people catch you in a lie you have to backtrack and make up even more lies to support the bigger lie and suddenly NBC Nightly News is making you take an involuntary extended vacation.
The solution to this perennial dilemma obviously is: never allow reality to catch you backing down. I, for one, simply can’t stand too much actuality – it happens to disagree with my mental digestion.
1) The Voice Saves Darla — my brother told my parents this same story–minus the moose–when he came home way past curfew. “I was driving as fast as I could to get home on time, and a Voice told me to slow down right before a TRUCK ALMOST HIT ME HEAD ON. I think GOD SAVED ME!” My parents were visibly shaken and my brother got off the hook. I think that voice really gets around.
2) Ghost Farmer Relocates — also a story that my grandmother told us when she lived next door to her sister. That farmer also really gets around
3) Flasher Needs A Watch — My friend and I were bike riding in the woods and I think we got flashed by the same guy. She laughed hysterically. He was not amused.
4) Paul Newman Was One Grumpy Chunky Monkey — he made a mean salad dressing. How can he be crabby?
I’m going with #4, because I like the number 4. Thanks for a very funny post.
Maria
#4 … although I didn’t think it was a farmer in the other story but I’m going with #4.
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Okay, just read these before reading your newest post. I would say that number 2 rings less true than the others. Nice writing!