Liar Liar … is it getting hot in here?

untitled (3)Last week I provided you guys with four short stories about my life and asked you to figure out which one was the lie.

Story #1 — I hit a moose with my car but was saved by some kind of divine intervention? True. Snicker all you want but I actually did hear a voice cut through my own thoughts and it told me to slow down and brake right before impact. I don’t really care if you believe me or not because I was there and it happened. Have I “heard” any voices since then? Sadly, no. I kind of wish that voice would have come back last week and warned me not to wear leggings out in public but you can’t have everything.

Story #2 — Our house was haunted by some old farmer so I basically told him to kindly get lost (and go toward the light blah, blah etc.) only to find out instead he started haunting my mother who lives right next door? True. Yes! If you don’t believe it ask my mom or my husband. Or the ghost farmer. Although, he’s not around at all anymore, he must have found his tools in the hereafter. Or he grew tired of my mom’s constant bitchin’ at him to take out the trash. (By the way, this wasn’t my first ghostly encounter, I grew up in a haunted 100 year old house. Apparently, I’m a ghost magnet.)

Story #3 —  Twenty years ago my mom and I were flashed by some bizarre serial flasher terrorizing the coast of Maine by exposing himself to women on isolated trails near the ocean? True. Oh, dear god how I wish it were false. (shudder) He was captured not long after our encounter but we had nothing to do with it, mainly because we couldn’t remember any details about this creep’s face. (shudder, retch, shudder) And here’s more proof Amy Poehler and I lead eerie parallel lives, she also was flashed once by a guy asking for the time. Must be a thing? Maybe these guys should come up with a new line, like ask, “Would you lovely ladies like a coupon for a free Starbucks Tiramisu latte?” That might get our undivided attention.

Story #4 — And so that leaves Paul Newman. Sweet dearly departed Paul.

Hot damn, I'm good-looking.
Hot damn, I’m good-looking.

No, he was not an asshole. But Kevin Costner is, I’m sure of it.

Thirteen of you clever people guessed story number 4 was the lie, so in bitter defeat I inhaled a box of Paul Newman’s Butter Boom popcorn, smothered my pasta with a jar of his marinara sauce, chugged down a bottle of his Pinot grigio and spun my magic random wheel generator and …

Life With The Top Down

you are the winner of Amy Poehler’s book, Yes Please! Please email your mailing address through my contact page and I’ll hop on my snowmobile and get it to you asap. Right after I finish reading it myself. So far, it’s a very good read.  I take it you don’t mind wine glass stains and Cheetos dust in the pages?

I’ll leave you all with a fun factoid to cleanse my soul: I have never seen a single episode of Parks and Recreation in its entirety and probably never will. Don’t care for it at all.

Truth.

Man, that felt good to get out! Ahhhhhh! Any lies you’d like to tell me in the comments? Or truths? TV shows you don’t really like?

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81 thoughts on “Liar Liar … is it getting hot in here?

  1. I KNEW it!! In fact, it was quite easy. Paul Newman just would not be that surly with the locals.

    You may be a strong ghost magnet. However, you are going to have to think of better lies about Mr. Paul Newman. I’m glad that Lisa and two others had the same vote.

    (Fun posts and contests. Thanks.)

      1. Well, no but I did almost meet David Schwimmer, (Ross from Friends) while working at Yankee Candle once. He came in and left while I was busy in the break room eating a Hot Pocket. I’m certain Ross and I would’ve fallen deeply in love had we met that fateful day.

  2. A NEW YORK MINUTE

    I enjoy being lied to as much as the next guy. No, I don’t actually know the next guy, but I assume he enjoys it as much as I do.

    Being married to you must be a bit like having a blender without the lid. And I mean that in a good way. You’re welcome.

      1. A NEW YORK MINUTE

        Trust me, we never know what we’re getting into. And that’s just the way it’s supposed to be. Being married is like Russian roulette. Only better.

      2. A NEW YORK MINUTE

        For some reason I can’t seem to reply to your latest comment, so I’ll do it up here.

        Yes, it’s somewhat like that. I keep hearing that my sense of humor is an acquired taste…

      1. Do you know how pathetic my life is? (don’t answer that) It’s so pathetic I actually went to google earth and went up and down every single winding street in Positano! Almost felt like I was there. (weeping)

    1. Oh, god thank you! Yes! I don’t like Breaking Bad either! And I watched two episodes! All it took was the bathtub scene to turn me off forever. So gross. Not a big fan of meth labs either I guess…

      1. I think we made it to Episode Three and like the two brothers in A Christmas Story who open up a present and it’s a pair of socks and they look at each other…then toss the socks over their shoulders and move on.

        We did that.

    1. Would it help you to know Amy’s book wasn’t that good? but it really was, sorry I lied. It was much better than Tina Fey’s and Mindy Kaling’s….I can send you those books instead if you like? oh, no sorry I can’t. I ended up burning both of those books for warmth last blizzard. I’m afraid you’re shit outta luck.

      1. For your information, my little firebug, Fey’s book received universal praise, as did Kaling’s (well…mostly), while Poehler’s was seen as a lazy, cut-n-paste affair. So I don’t even WANT your stupid book. And I’m STILL calling my attorney, who happens to be none other than Vinnie The Ice Pick, so watch out.

  3. I was once a double for Paul Newman. In fact I looked so much like him I starred in “Cool Hand Luke” (I had a double for the egg-eating part), an had sex with Joanne Woodward. No lie!

  4. cannot believe you do not like Parks and Rec–the first two or three seasons take some getting used to but I am now a diehard fan and wept at the last show–seriously, give the show another try–you will grow to love the people; am now a Brooklyn 99 fan

    1. What’s weird is I like Amy, I love Chris Pratt, I really love that dude with the mustache… but I just can’t get into the show, I tried. Same with The Office. (gasp)

      But Brooklyn 99? LOVE LOVE LOVE it. I love the theme, I love the cast, especially Andre Braugher who I used to watch in Homicide. That show cracks me up!

      1. I could take or leave the Office but I watched Parks & Rec with my 23 year old son–so maybe it was a bonding issue–then I started to like the program

        love Brooklyn 99–it is appointment tv at our house–again something my 23 year old found–and since he will probably not be at my house much longer I enjoy spending time with him

  5. I’ve never watched a second of a single episode of Parks and Recreation, either, because I don’t have the time or the interest. But, I will always think fondly of Amy from her days on SNL and when she co-hosted the Golden Globes with Tina Fey. Back in the good old days of SNL when Amy rocked that show, She did a spot on Hillary Clinton. if I was Hillary Clinton (and I’ll be truthful: I’m not), I wouldn’t think that this email hoopla will bring down my presidential candidacy. What will topple it is that Amy is no longer on SNL. I like Kate McKinnon, but she’s no Amy. Something’s off:

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/03/08/hillary-clinton-email-snl_n_6826258.html

    1. I’m a die-hard SNL fan and Amy’s book is great because she dishes on all the backstories working there over the years. Like the rap she did on Weekend Update when she was nine months pregnant. I don’t like Parks and Rec, but I think she’s hilarious.

      I’ve read Tina Fey’s book, Mindy Kaling’s book and now Amy’s and I think Amy’s was definitely more entertaining and interesting, she goes into her improv days and it’s fascinating stuff.

  6. Ah man, I was going to go with story #4! How could I think Paul Newman would be anything but a nice, sweet guy? Especially considering how charitable he is. Oh, well! Congrats to the winner. This was a fun idea. I hope things are thawing out for you up there.

    1. Thanks, Amy! Yeah, we all know Paul was a very good guy all-around. Jury’s still out on Costner.

      And yes, this week we’re hitting the mid-40s. Wahoo! Time for Pot Hole and Frost Heave Hell!

  7. Alright fine, so Paul Newman isn’t a jerk, but I thought it was believable because he could have been hangry.

    I think I voted for #1, not because I thought you didn’t hear voices, but because I thought you hit something other than a moose. Yikes. That had to be scary. Aren’t they huge? Was your car totaled?

    1. Good guess on the hangry Paul. I know I hate it when Kevin Costner orders me the wrong ice cream.

      Yes, my car was totaled. It was a tiny Ford Fiesta and the moose basically folded up the hood like an accordion. I was told it was a female moose so I guess not as big as a male (?) Anyway, since the accident I’ve had serious neck and lower back issues. Not fun but at least I’m alive.

  8. Oh I am so depressed, I was so sure I was right! However, I’m thrilled that my faith in all around decent fellow, Paul Newman, was vindicated, But boy do I have this overwhelming urge to tell a whopper! Wow Darla, who would have thunk it, you and your mom…Ghostbusters! I can’t stand the show “Stalker” or even the idea of it being considered entertainment.LOL burning books to stay warm back there, I can believe it. Congrats you big fibber. :O)

  9. I once worked for a woman who I felt treated the minions – like me – as if we confined our reading to match flaps and the backs of cereal boxes. When she got her ears pierced, she was a bit nervous about it. I decided to prank her and a colleague went along with the gag. The woman said she had not twisted the posts in her ears around as recommended. I stifled a gasp and told her that she’d need a shot of morphine when she did do it. She looked stricken. My friend and I started to laugh. I never suspected she’d take me seriously. She was so mad she shut me out of her little office that day. 😆

  10. WHAT?! ME?! Suddenly I hear angels singing, oh no wait it’s Freddy Mercury … YOU ARE THE CHAMPION OF THE WORLD. He changed the lyrics just for me.
    I swear if it weren’t for all the guns & danger I would totally be a detective!
    I never watched Parks & Recreation either, but I LOVE Amy and leftover Cheetos so we are cool.
    Thank you Darla

  11. I feel so vindicated being right about my fellow Westporter. We have a reputation as being incredibly snobby, but it ain’t at all true. Paul is a shining example.

    And Kevin Costner did a wonderfully nice thing for a friend of mine. Steve’s wife, Shirlee, was a HUGE fan of Kevins. For her birthday, he bought her tickets to see him in something, but she got sick. She insisted that Steve go without her. Steve went backstage and stood in line to meet Kevin, and when he did, he told kevin that his wife Shirlee was his biggest fan. “Where’s Shirlee?” Kevin said. “In the hospital,” “Let me have your phone.” He called Shirlee at the hospital and talked to her for 5 minutes. Weeks later, Shirlee passed away.

    So while I think he’s a terrible actor, I think he has a HUGE heart.

      1. Isn’t it nice? And you’re right — it does! (Paul lived in my hometown and he was never rude to anyone as far as anyone I know knows. He was a good egg, Paul.)

  12. Oh, I feel way cooler now. I’ve tried and tried to like Parks and Recreation, but just end up blinking at it. I thought, “Crap, I must be old now and completely uncool.” Thanks for the save, Darla.

    1. Well, that just makes us BOTH old and uncool. But yeah, I’ve tried to watch that show many times and my eyes glaze over within a few minutes. Same with The Office. I know they both have great writing but the characters and the settings just don’t do it for me.

  13. I’m with you on Parks & Rec. I woukd muchmuchmuh rather watch Key & Peele, if only they would have five hundred episodes a year instead of a meager dozenish. Siiiiigh.

    (Love your believe-me-or-not-I-don’t-care approach, BTW. Hear, hear!)

  14. I don’t know how I missed the original post with the spot the lie contest. Actually, I DO KNOW – my WP reader sporadic at best. It shows me half of your posts, all of others and none whatsoever of others. On the bright side, I would have guessed wrong anyway.

  15. Hey, does that book have a cover on it, or is it one of those they tear off the cover and threaten you with the same penalty as removing-mattress-tags if you sell it without the cover?

    1. True story, my husband ripped off a tag from our comforter the other day and said, “to hell with it! I don’t care if I’m going to jail!” He likes to live on the edge. And yes, this book does have a cover, albeit one with a big ol’ wine glass stain across Amy Poehler’s face…

  16. Well, I missed the first installment, but this was quite entertaining! 😀 My mother and I were once dragged onto a nude beach in Connecticut by my father (a horrifying experience to being with), where we sat trying to look the other way (when there was no other way) and a guy walked over and asked the time. You don’t even need to imagine the horror…

  17. Not sure how I missed this. So I guess I got it wrong huh? Oh well, I’m glad the farmer found his tools and moved onto some workshop in the afterlife… or something like that. At least I got to see that picture of Paul Newman, what a total stud!

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