Last week I provided you guys with four short stories about my life and asked you to figure out which one was the lie.
Story #1 — I hit a moose with my car but was saved by some kind of divine intervention? True. Snicker all you want but I actually did hear a voice cut through my own thoughts and it told me to slow down and brake right before impact. I don’t really care if you believe me or not because I was there and it happened. Have I “heard” any voices since then? Sadly, no. I kind of wish that voice would have come back last week and warned me not to wear leggings out in public but you can’t have everything.
Story #2 — Our house was haunted by some old farmer so I basically told him to kindly get lost (and go toward the light blah, blah etc.) only to find out instead he started haunting my mother who lives right next door? True. Yes! If you don’t believe it ask my mom or my husband. Or the ghost farmer. Although, he’s not around at all anymore, he must have found his tools in the hereafter. Or he grew tired of my mom’s constant bitchin’ at him to take out the trash. (By the way, this wasn’t my first ghostly encounter, I grew up in a haunted 100 year old house. Apparently, I’m a ghost magnet.)
Story #3 — Twenty years ago my mom and I were flashed by some bizarre serial flasher terrorizing the coast of Maine by exposing himself to women on isolated trails near the ocean? True. Oh, dear god how I wish it were false. (shudder) He was captured not long after our encounter but we had nothing to do with it, mainly because we couldn’t remember any details about this creep’s face. (shudder, retch, shudder) And here’s more proof Amy Poehler and I lead eerie parallel lives, she also was flashed once by a guy asking for the time. Must be a thing? Maybe these guys should come up with a new line, like ask, “Would you lovely ladies like a coupon for a free Starbucks Tiramisu latte?” That might get our undivided attention.
Story #4 — And so that leaves Paul Newman. Sweet dearly departed Paul.
No, he was not an asshole. But Kevin Costner is, I’m sure of it.
Thirteen of you clever people guessed story number 4 was the lie, so in bitter defeat I inhaled a box of Paul Newman’s Butter Boom popcorn, smothered my pasta with a jar of his marinara sauce, chugged down a bottle of his Pinot grigio and spun my magic random wheel generator and …
you are the winner of Amy Poehler’s book, Yes Please! Please email your mailing address through my contact page and I’ll hop on my snowmobile and get it to you asap. Right after I finish reading it myself. So far, it’s a very good read. I take it you don’t mind wine glass stains and Cheetos dust in the pages?
I’ll leave you all with a fun factoid to cleanse my soul: I have never seen a single episode of Parks and Recreation in its entirety and probably never will. Don’t care for it at all.
Man, that felt good to get out! Ahhhhhh! Any lies you’d like to tell me in the comments? Or truths? TV shows you don’t really like?