As if the six month winter of Snowmageddon wasn’t enough, now us Mainers have something else to bitch about. Our resident prolific bullshit artist, Governor Paul LePage, made national headlines last week by waging a battle of wits with our resident prolific horror writer, Stephen King.
When I say wits I’m only talking about one man. You guess which one.
Here’s how the brouhaha went down: Gov. LePage recently stated in his radio address something like, “Hey! Mainers don’t need no fricking income tax! Look at Stephen King! He lives in Florida! Yeah, that’s right! He’s an asshole!”
To which Stephen King responded with, “Say whaaaaat?”
Apparently, not only does King pay his share of Maine taxes with a million and change every year, I could have sworn I saw him last week at his part time gig selling Bean boots and maple syrup.
In typical political fashion, LePage immediately had his comments erased from the transcript and admitted to nothing on his part. Because clearly it was the news media’s fault for spinning their magic voodoo words to make him look bad. Oh, those pesky news reporters! Always inferring and assuming and hearing words come out of someone’s mouth and attaching meaning to those words.
The next day, Stephen King gazed out at the palm trees, took a long sip from his margarita, cranked up his a/c and responded with, “Be a man. Apologize.”
Instead LePage said in his standard “let’s make a lame joke and this will all fade away” way:
“Just make me the villain of your next book and I won’t charge you royalties.”
Oh! Oh ho ho ho! Oh man! You are such a riot, Paul! But I have news for you, I’m pretty sure all of Stephen King’s villains were based on you.
While we wait for King to unleash the homicidal sewer clown let’s have some fun. I love it when people make stuff up to fit their agenda.
Here, let me try… (keep in mind I am clearly not saying what I am saying. If you infer something, that’s your fault.)
**Local statisticians are stumped as to why Maine’s population is steadily declining. Governor Paul LePage lives here.
**In a recent poll, Maine ranked as the number one state full of idiots. Governor Paul LePage was elected. Twice.
Please, America, I’m begging you to realize these facts:
- We did not elect Paul LePage. Eliot Cutler did.
- 51.8 % of us would rather suffer through ten more winters than one more term with Paul.
- Next election? I’m writing in Stephen King.