Mishmash Monday

Hello there!

How the hell are you?

Just a friendly message letting you all know I can’t write anymore.

No, wait! Don’t leave me! Come back! This is serious! I got nuthin’! My bloggy well ran dry. My bloggy liquor cabinet has been emptied. My bloggy fridge has nothing but a half-drunk bottle of PBR and my bloggy pantry is full of moldy chocolate-covered raisins. No, wait…those aren’t raisins. I wish to god they were raisins.

Normally I have at least a dozen half-assed posts collecting dust in my draft folder. Today I checked and all I had was a quarter-assed post about Duck Dynasty I wrote nearly two years ago. About asses.

duck-dynasty
Oh how I wish I really couldn’t see them.

This terrible no good winter from hell has killed my writerly soul. Yes, I said writerly. See how bad this is?

But being cooped up with cabin fever for these past six months has made me better at complaining. All winter long my husband and I played the classic married game of “Who’s More Miserable?”

Answer: It’s always me.

(Thank you, past hellish childbirth experiences.)

We’re celebrating our 15th wedding anniversary this week so this is what we do for fun now. Every night we cozy up in bed and suddenly turn into our grandmothers.

Him: “Oh god! I think my foot is going numb.”

Me: “My lower back is on fire!”

Him: “Yeah? Well, my ankle hurts!”

Me: “My knees hurt!”

Him: “My right butt cheek hurts!”

Me: “Hey, you know what hurts? That time they ripped all my insides out then put them on the table next to me! Twice!”

What’s even sadder is most times we are so exhausted from our daily lives we simply yell out body parts at each other. Sometimes to spice things up we’ll throw in a few potential diseases or ailments we think we might be developing.

“Thyroid!”

“Ovarian cancer!”

“Sleep apnea!”

“Menopause!”

What a delightful game! Other than my always being more miserable, nothing much else is going on with me.

As for my two kids? They’re flipping fantastic! Love them to pieces!

My eight-year-old daughter was looking at my high school yearbook photo last week and cringed: “Mom? Why is your hair so big? Why did you make it stick all up like that?”

I wish I knew, Miss J. I wish to god I knew.

scan2-e1338080234845 (2)

Laugh all you want now but at the time my Cowardly Lion mane provided a cozy home for a down-on-their-luck family of mice. (inhales) Ahhhhh! and I can still smell the burnt hair and chemicals just looking at this picture. And they warned us back then inhaling too much Aqua Net might fry your brain and lower your IQ! Pfft! Yeah, right! Whatever! hmmm…soooooooo….yeah…ahem….yep…..what was I talking about again?

Oh yes, my kids! My son is almost 13 so my knack for embarrassing the hell out of him comes with zero effort on my part.

The other day I was picking him up after track practice when I noticed a slight change in his appearance — a bit of peach fuzz on his upper lip.

“OH MY GOD! DO YOU HAVE A MUSTACHE?! IS THAT A MUSTACHE? OH! MY LITTLE BABY BOO IS BECOMING A MAN! NOOOO! WHY LORD? WHYYYYYY?”

Sure, I probably shouldn’t have yelled this revelation at the top of my lungs in the parking lot in front of his school. Or collapsed to the ground weeping. Okay, and I shouldn’t have actually picked him up. My back will pay for that one later. And maybe I shouldn’t have done all this when his friends were around. Plus that cute girl he really likes. Live and learn. Or not learn ever, in my case. I live to embarrass that boy. Let’s call it payback for colic.

I’d like to close this random post with a little movie review titled Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of What the F***?)

“Do you know what this movie means?”
“Hell no! I thought you did!”

**SPOILER ALERT! If you haven’t seen the film yet, go away now! Go back to Twitter where you belong! Nothing to see here!**

Last week the little red Netflix envelope appeared in my mailbox and I thought, Ooh! Birdman! Cool! I like birds, I loved the movie Mr. Mom, this is going to be awesome! and settled down with my popcorn and gin to enjoy the feel-good movie of last year. I should have known a movie’s only Academy Award worthy when it makes you cringe the entire 2 hours. Ah, yes, the endless inner conflict of creativity versus fame, self-acceptance versus popularity, prop gun versus blown-off nose. Oh, Michael Keaton! I love you, man! You should have won that Oscar! But please, I’m begging you, rip off that ugly toupee and tell me what the hell the ending meant! Why were Emma Stone’s eyes so big? Why is Ed Norton so good at playing an asshole? Why was this movie the most depressing thing I’ve ever seen? Please tell me you lived happily ever after and flew away into the sunset wearing your undies! Why, Birdman? WHYYYYYY????

That’s it from here. What’s new with you? Do you know what the ending to Birdman meant? Do you also embarrass your kids? Can you give me some tips on how to improve my parenting tactics? Did I tell you my lower back’s on fire? What parts of your body are disintegrating?

____________________________________

Birdman image: Rolling Stone
High School Yearbook Photo: She’s A “Gag me with a spoon” Maineiac

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101 thoughts on “Mishmash Monday

  1. my right knee is making me walk like someone really old and not just old. I still embarass my sons as I still write a weekly column for the newspaper and at least twice a year I write about them. They do not read it so that when someone mentions it to them they can act like they do not know what they are talking about. Actually–it is not acting. Love it when you are “writerly”

  2. Movies that don’t have a final scene where the camera pans back from the smoking Peacemaker in John Wayne’s hand to show the rescued maiden in cowgirl boots wrap her grateful arms around his then 30 inch waist are just psycocobablecocainehollywoodwierdwritercrap.

  3. ᴀ ɴᴇᴡ ʏᴏʀᴋ ᴍɪɴᴜᴛᴇ

    I’m looking forward to that quarter-assed post about Duck Dynasty. Or any other post about asses, really.

  4. I fell a month ago and my knee still hurts! I have chronic fatigue and immune deficiency syndrome, allergies, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, acid reflux and I’m overweight. But you probably still beat me in the childbirth department. I has two C-sections with plenty of drugs.

    Thanks for the chuckle this Monday morning. 🙂

    1. Hope your knee feels better soon! My knees were killing me last week and I didn’t even fall. They just spontaneously decided to start hurting for no reason. I’m hitting 45 years old in a few months and I’m a mess. But on the plus side now I can do a spot-on impression of Roseanne Roseannadanna. “My feet sweat, my butt aches, I got a boil on my ass, my ankles are swollen and my ears are bleeding.”

  5. Happy anniversary, Ms D! 🎉❤️😊

    Hope your back pain goes packing in time for you to celebrate. If not be sure to get an extra bottle of champagne. Heck, get one anyway. After this crap winter you deserve the whole vineyard!

    Isn’t this weather GLORIoUS!!!!!! Hallelujah.

    1. Aw, thanks! How did you make those cute little emoticons? I’m such a clueless techno loser….

      This weather is heaven! And I actually am NOT working today! Wahoooooo! I plan on taking an hour long walk down by the river later when it hits 70. Can I have an amen????

  6. If this is an example of your dead writery soul, do you mind if I borrow those other drafts in your bloggy fridge? Great stuff (as usual).

    1. Thanks! It’s odd that my post bitching about my writer’s block produces my longest post ever. Too bad there wasn’t big fame and money in random whining about nothing. Oh, wait, I forgot about the Kardashians…

  7. You already know the specific parts of my body that have gone to hell. I try not to complain, but yelling, “ooh, ah, ouchie wowa,” down the steps gives my deteriorating condition away.
    Are you giving up on blogging or just kidding around?

    1. It’s amazing how every single body part of mine decided to collectively shit the bed once I turned 40. But complaining keeps me going. I should live to 100 at least. Granted, the people at the nursing home might not be too happy about that.

      I’m taking a long break from blogging (Again!) This summer will be nothing but me being outside enjoying the weather. The winter was too harsh for me to do anything else.

  8. That’s an awful lot of questions at the end but my answers go something like “not much, no, yes, no, yes, back.” Or maybe it was “yes, no, yes, no…?” Sorry I couldn’t really concentrate after seeing all that hair. 🙂 Happy anniversary!!

      1. Maybe a little of both. There were probably some 80s hair band members that would have killed to have hair like that! I have to admit to being a big hair fan, at least back then, you know growing up on Long Island and all!

  9. Your bloggy well dry is fuller than most people’s bloggy wells full.

    That was meant as a compliment, but reading it back it appears that MY writerly soul has been smothered by your hair.

    1. Aw, thanks! I think?

      In my other high school photo you saw on Facebook did you notice how my head is bent awkwardly to the side and I seem to be looking up over my shoulder pads at something? Yeah, that was only because the weight of my hair was crushing my spinal column and I was gasping for air.

  10. As soon as you wrote that you’ve got nothing, I immediately thought of the kids. There’s always something to say about the kids. Isn’t puberty *fun*? My guy’s best buddy grows another 2 inches every time I see him, and his voice has dropped so much that when I call their house I don’t know if it’s him or his Dad on the line. My son is within 1/4″ of my height, and has finally outgrown my rubber boots (so I can have them back).

    I do have an assortment of achy body parts, but I’m working on their becoming less bothersome as time passes instead of the other way around. In fact, during a particularly awesome workshop I went to about six weeks ago, there were a few times that absolutely nothing hurt for a while. Talk about high vibes! It was amazing.

    1. I knew you’d understand. Kidding aside, I feel so sad seeing him grow up. This year alone he’s almost as tall as me and wears a size 9 men’s sneaker. WTF?? And he informed me he can start driving a car in a few years. Has the world gone frigging mad?? I’M NOT READY! I’M NOT READY!

      I am trying to combat my aches and pains by starting up yoga again. But oddly enough, my back hurts more now! I think yoga’s a cruel conspiracy.

  11. For all that your blogging cupboard was empty, this was a feast. We celebrated our 15th recently as well with a rare moment of agreement that we’d do absolutely nothing. As we suffer through our menagerie of middle-aged malaise (his back, my eyes, kid gets the flu, blah,blah, blah), we’ve decided that misery does NOT need company, overpriced flowers or an expensive dinner out where I drone on about the demise of food production and my husband grumps about why they have to put onion in everything. We deserve each other, obviously.

    1. Isn’t it romantic? Happy anniversary to you guys! This is the thing about me and my husband, we’ve lived together for 17 years and I think the main reason we don’t fight much anymore is we’re either too damn tired or our backs hurt. It also helps we have the same twisted sense of humor and he’s my best friend. And that he never reads my blog.

      1. Ha – someone just asked my husband if he read my writing. He explained that he wanted to stay married. Our arguments are minor because we’re too old and tired to follow through, plus we pretty much have the script memorized and can shorthand an argument that would have taken an hour when we first married to under two minutes.

      2. Exactly! We’ve also perfected the art of Efficient Arguing. here’s a typical fight for us now.
        “Grrr!”
        “What?”
        “GAH!”
        “Eh?”
        “#$#%%**!”
        “Sorry, honey.”
        “I’m sorry, too.”
        Then we fall back asleep on the couch watching Wheel of Fortune.

  12. There’s a very cool video compilation of opening and closing shots from interesting films, and Birdman is in there (somewhere). Looking at the opening and closing images side by side actually explain some of the ending, metaphorically if not literally.

    And hi! Nice to see you again.

    And when people make fun of my 80’s hair my response is if you’re going to do a fashion, do it all the way. You don’t want to say, “Oh, I was sort of a hippie.” “I had a flannel shirt, but didn’t really get in to the grunge thing.” You want to say, damn right I was there! I was neck deep in whatever it was! At least that’s what I tell myself…

    1. Whoa, that video gave me chills! Loved it. So this means he died onstage. He never shot his nose off. Because that would be nuts. And that critic wouldn’t have given him a good review for that. Because that would be insane. So it was all a dream and he’s dead. Right? Huh? TELL ME B-MAN! TELL MEEEEEEE!

      And hello! Where the hell you been? Where’s your gloriously permed-to-shit ’80s hair photo?

      1. The negative side effects of AquaNet go beyond brain issues. It has also been linked to painful knees and ankles, ovarian cancer and menopause an day lead to impaired parenting skills.
        All of this is expressed in the final scene of Birdman, when an achy-jointed, menopausal Michael Keaton leaps from the window and is sucked up into the atmosphere through a hole in the ozone layer, caused by excessive AquaNet use, thereby freeing Emma Stone from the bonds of parental humiliation.
        And they lived happily ever after.

  13. My goodness, there are bunches of posts within this post. Your empty fridge looks pretty good.

    Maybe you’ll come back next fall. Give your son another summer and you won’t recognize him.

    1. See, this post is what happens when I don’t have a point and just want to whine aimlessly for hours. My poor poor husband.

      I fully expect my son to be shaving and living over our garage by next year.

  14. Suddenly, every time I stand up I have to groan. “Urrghh! Aargmpf!” When did that happen? Why can’t I just get up silently? Even if I think, ok now just get up, no groaning. Nope. It’s an automated response.

    Please tell me someone else does this!

    1. Are you kidding? Every time I get up off the couch I sound like a cow getting punched in the privates. Every year that goes by I get louder and louder, too.There is no way to control it, it’s an involuntary cry from all my atrophied muscles.

  15. Oh, keep these mishmash posts coming, Darla. You still got it. You make me laugh. I know the well hath run dry feeling. Hey, my kids are so close in age. They’re 8 and 12. My son doesn’t even make eye contact when I drop him off at school. And oh, my back is killing me these days. I can relate. I didn’t see Birdman, but really wanted to. Now I don’t know. I think a movie can’t win an Oscar unless it’s really depressing and has a random ending. I hope you finally have some sunshine!

    1. I know I’ve said it many times before but I really don’t think I have any post ideas left. Nothing inspires me now. Where’s my mojo? It’s gone. Poof. Maybe once we hit 70 degrees the rest of my brain will finally thaw and I can blog more.

      Yes, my son is starting the raging hormones, rage-at-mom stage. And he used to be so super sweet! now he just growls at me to throw food at him when he gets home.

      We had a 65 degree sunny day today and I went for an hour long walk by the river. It was glorious!

      1. Yay on the beautiful, glorious walk! You know, I’ve blogged about such things…just sayin’ You can always write about that. Ha ha! My son still tells me he loves me with no eye contact. 🙂 I still have that! I’m no ready for the teens at all. Help!!!

  16. I’ve got a long list of complaints my husband doesn’t even listen to. Can I come to bed with you guys? (That didn’t sound quite right, did it.)

    My hair still looks like that. What’s left of it!

  17. Okay I had to skip the end, but that’s okay, because I’m fixated on the new ‘stache that’s hitting the world!! I think you should show up one day to pick him up wearing ‘stache glasses. And record it. And you say you have nothing to write about…

  18. I’d weigh in on my aches and pains, but would rather take a moment to complain about another crappy movie ending. In the final scene of “Lost In Translation”, Bill Murray’s character leans in and whispers something unintelligible to Scarlett Johansenn’s character. This is at the end of a movie in which the audience had been privy to every word out of every character’s mouth. My wife and I puzzled for hours about what was said, and finally realized that if Sofia Coppola had intended for us to hear it, we would have. We decided it was a foolish thing for the director to do, and both dropped the movie several notches on our respective rating scales, thereby costing the studio tens of cents.

    1. I can believe that! I rented that very movie and couldn’t even watch it. I think I fell asleep halfway through. I thought it was totally overhyped. Good to know the ending was something I could miss, too.

  19. Dana

    My back, too! Lower back, mostly. Also knees. And I have this lump under my chin, that kind of aches. And my chest hurts, when I take a deep breath, but only on the right side. Maybe it’s my right lung. Possibly a bronchial tube.

  20. Oh you should definitely take up doing movie reviews. I so felt the exact same way about that movie. Hollywood is turning out so much crap. I would claim that its the awful lousy winter weather that made me say that, but our weather out here has been fabulous. So you must be dead on right about that movie Darla, so we could never become Siskel and Ebert as we agree.

  21. I have a bad back and can tell you on Fridays when I am out shopping have to take strong painkillers in order to get through the day. My blogging well runs low at times but hasn’t dried up just yet when it gets really low something happens and it gets and input of stuff

    1. Sorry you have pain. I’ve tried everything for my bad back. Now I’m back into yoga and I’m hoping it helps. Eating Advil like M&Ms probably isn’t the best but I do that some days when the pain’s too much.

  22. “Birdman” is about self-absorbed actors. Ooohhh! Quite a stretch! No wonder they were all so wonderful in it.

    You were a little dreamboat in high school. Not that you’re not now…but those bangs-things make me all a flutter and yearn for my yoot.

    This is the second out-of-gas blog post I’ve read in as many days. It’s an epidemic. You’re all just brain-dead from winter. It’ll pass. It always has before, reet?

  23. Nice to see you here, please don’t go anywhere. 🙂 I have yet to see that movie, I have heard so many mixed reviews and even though I like “birds” too, it does not interest me. I don’t like it when movies are too much work because it hurts my brain to try to figure them out. Just sayin. 🙂

  24. Something to remember: the fun you can have now embarrassing your teen-ager is NOTHING compared to what comes later. Take notes — you’ll need them later when your teenager is a parent of a teenager and you get to say: “Payback! Do you remember the time…”

  25. Now I have to watch Birdman. If only to see if it is as soul suckingly depressing as a movie I watched 20 years ago called The Field with Richard Harris, a.k.a Dumbledore. (Spoiler alert – he’s no Dumbledore.) I haven’t fully recovered…perhaps watching Birdman will help…

  26. Darla, there’s nothing more sad than going to bed, trying to get comfortable, and having your spouse say “we need to keep the moaning down or the kids will think we’re having sex.” That’s when you realize you are fast becoming your grandparents. *shiver*

  27. Embarrassing our children never gets old, I promise. I tell mine all the time, revenge is the best and I live for it. Mine are in their mid 30’s.

    The rest, I think this is the perfect game but spring is here so maybe you can do it outdoors now and include it in the embarrassing your children.

  28. Mustache? Just wait until your ‘baby girl’ starts showing little baby boobies. Oh my gosh; that one caught me off guard. I’m soooo not ready for puberty, boys or girls! I agree that we (women) win the Most Miserable Award by default of childbirth. I hope things are thawing out up there and that you can get a LIFE again…outside.

  29. My (hypothetical at this point) kids are going to get a kick out of pictures of me in my youth. The 80s and 90s really weren’t kind to anyone, fashion-wise. In fact, I blame them for my taking so long to develop proper fashion sense. My future hypothetical children may also ask why I don’t seem to age. Unless they make me go gray early. But I digress.
    As for embarrassing your kids, I can’t exactly speak from a parent’s perspective, but I get the feeling it’s something that gets downloaded into your brain when they’re born. Not sure if it’s something that can be deleted from your programming. Okay, I think I’ve been watching too much sci-fi.
    Never seen Birdman, so I can’t help you there. I did finally watch A Knight’s Tale the other day, and I still can’t get over Alan Tudyk’s red hair.
    My body seems to be holding together pretty well so far, though I have yet to hit the dreaded 3-0, so it may just be biding its time. Now if I could just SLEEP, that would be fantastic.
    And wow, that was rambly. Sorry.

    1. Don’t apologize! I love rambly!

      Well, since you aren’t 30 and don’t have kids yet, you should be just fine. Just never see Birdman.

      As for sleep? Ooh, I used to LOVE sleep! What is it again?

  30. I felt bad for your son, but not bad enough to NOT laugh at what you did to him. Kind of like how I feel bad for mooching off other people’s lunches, but not bad enough to NOT eat them.
    (There really needs to be a way to italicize in comments. Sometimes I need to emphasize a word but I don’t necessarily feel passionate enough to scream in all caps. You feel?)

  31. bindmoggled

    Ahh, what a hilarious post. I’m so glad I came across your blog! Oh, and I keep those pix from my past hidden, or I’ve tossed them, or gave them away or something…

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