The following post I wrote over three years ago and I’m reposting it because I have little time to write lately. In case you’re wondering the snow in Maine finally melted so I’m spending every waking moment outside. Plus I’m tired. So damn tired. Happy Mother’s Day!
OBJECTIVE To prove that when you notice the huge 10 year gap on my résumé, snicker and ask, “What were you doing all that time?!” I wasn’t merely sitting around twiddling my thumbs and eating bon bons. (Although some days I did take a few breaks and did just that.)
WORK EXPERIENCE
2000-2002 Fertility Specialist
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Managed and supervised an in-depth and labor-intensive fertility project overseeing one disgruntled employee.
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Daily progress was tracked with temperature readings, charts, graphs and my husband whining, “Do we have to do this AGAIN?!”
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Goal was achieved after attending several meetings with various nurses, OB-GYNs and finally one prayer-filled seminar with The Big Guy in the Sky.
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Assisted in creating an entire human being using only my body.
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Increased members of family by one healthy baby boy, increased household grocery consumption by 50%, decreased maternal brain cells by 30%.
2002-2003 Newborn Coordinator
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Directed various sleep studies involving the length of time it takes for a subject to start hallucinating giant gummy bears dancing in the kitchen in relation to the few minutes of choppy haze-induced slumber one has per night.
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Involved in product evaluations. Determined diaper wipe warmers are about as useful as another a hole in the head. Also, breast pumps are not more effective if you crank the setting up to maximum and grit your teeth to get through the searing pain.
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Managed one colicky baby every night for three months and implemented several tactics such as, walking baby around in circles while shushing, driving baby around neighborhood at 2 am and sobbing hysterically along with baby.
2003-2006 Developmental Therapist/Lead Teacher
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Lead instructor for a toddler child with sensory issues and more energy than an Energizer Bunny on speed fighting with the Tazmanian Devi in the midst of a hurricane..
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Taught child how to count, how to recite the alphabet. Instructed child on proper hygiene, sleep habits, eating habits, social decorum. Lessons included: Hot Wheels are not for the toilet. Crayons are not edible. The cat is not a giant fuzzy doll that hisses. Addressed behavioral issues. For example, how not to hit, bite, kick another human being.
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Subjects included: Respect, Kindness, Love, Curiosity, Imagination
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Daily therapy provided: giggling hysterically, dancing like everyone was watching, and running around the outdoors with wild abandon. Seeing the simple beauty, magic and joy in everyday things.
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Goals achieved: 1) Raised one loving, caring, sweet, happy boy 2) Increased heart capacity by 1000%.
2006 to present Mom Extraordinaire
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Aided and assisted in creating and maintaining another human being using only my body.
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Supervised two active, clever, bordering on maniacal children on a daily basis.
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Provided safe, loving, nurturing home.
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Taught subjects such as: sharing, caring, taking turns, being respectful of others, loving oneself
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Goals Achieved: 1) Raised one sweet, loving, caring, happy girl. 2) Increased heart capacity by infinity.
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Other Duties as Assigned: Chef, referee, maid, chauffeur, coach, dish washer, singer, dancer, party planner, counselor, public relations, nurse, doctor, teacher, professional hugger, boo-boo kisser, hand-holder, tear-wiper, confidence-builder and self-esteem engineer
SKILLS AND QUALIFICATIONS
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Time Management Able to flip pancakes, clean ketchup off ceiling, figure out an algebraic equation, unclog toilet filled with Polly Pockets, do 10 loads of laundry, drive kids to various practices, classes and play dates simultaneously.
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Debating Successfully presented and defended stance that Halloween candy consumed in large quantities for breakfast is a bad idea; flinging a Barbie at your brother’s head is a bad idea; jumping off the roof of the house into a snowbank wearing only underwear is a bad idea.
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Patience Able to withstand endless hours of ‘Why?’ questions, followed by listening to relentless whining, Spongebob episodes and sibling games of “But I’m Not Really Touching You!” and “Stinky Feet”.
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Love Provided endless quantities on an as-needed basis until my heart hurt.
References Available Upon Maturity of Children.
Ask them how I did in 15 years. My guess is not too shabby.
She's A Maineiac 
Haha! Happy Mother’s Day to you too!
I’d wager your conclusion is right!
Also, overheard someone say, “How do you know the person is in there?!” as I read your first position here. She was talking about something else, but I giggled.
Oh, you know. You know!
(Happy Mother’s Day!)
Happy Mother’s Day to you, Deb! I hope it’s filled with lots of love.
You have had awesome mom experience! Celebrate just that this mother’s day. The piece was was very well written and I loved it. Good work!
Thank you!
You’re hired! All of your many accomplishments are truly amazing and heartwarming, but it was the bon-bon eating skill that tipped the scales in your favor over the other candidates.
Nobody can eat bon bons like I do.
Awesome. Love it! May include that section in my own resume:-)
Thank you!
Brilliant. Absolutely!
I can relate to a bit of your resume, especially the sobbing hysterically along with baby. Happy Mother’s Day to you, and may the best years be yet to come (at least that’s what I tell myself). Glad to know that things have finally thawed out there in Maine.
Happy Mother’s Day to you! I hope you’re getting pampered like you should be. Whenever I see the word pampered I think of pampers and hey, at least we don’t have to deal with diapers this Mother’s day, right?
Thanks for the thoughts. Here’s my alter ego writing about today. https://persephoneepiphany.wordpress.com/2015/05/10/the-minefield-of-mothers-day/
You should also include Foreign Language section, with Baby Talk and Intense Stare Communications.
I will be sure to add both for my next job interview, X!
Don’t forget to include your time as Sanitation Director, though that must be an ongoing position.
Happy Mother’s Day!
you’ve got that right! I hope to retire as sanitation director once I’m 85 but I’ll probably be dead by then.
First off your blog is wonderful. I love reading it, it’s witty and inspiring, and makes me laugh and think all at once. You’re brilliant! And second, I’m also from Maine!
thank you so much! So being from Maine, you must really be enjoying today’s hot summer weather. I have been waiting for this for about 7 months.
This is awesome, Darla. I love it! Congratulations. You are the new CEO. Happy Mother’s Day to you!! xox
Thanks, Amy!
This really puts my LinkedIn resume to shame.
Don’t feel too bad, Jen! For all my experience, I got paid diddly dollars and squat cents.
I love this! Thank you for sharing.You’re one talented lady…uh, mommy :).
Reblogged this on ugiridharaprasad.
This reads better than the resumes of some of our Presidential hopefuls. Have you considered a position in office? Or commentator on Fox News or MSNBC?
(shudders) Yeesh, god no. But you’re right, I can be a good spin doctor when I want to be….
All the best mothers are. And wives.
Happy Mother’s Day.
I have bee outside every waking moment now that the snow is gone, too!! Happy Mother’s Day!
Today it’s hot and sunny. The perfect Mother’s Day present.
Ha!! Darla, this is awesome! Every mother needs this resume. 😝
Happy mother’s day to you!
You should totally put this on your resume. And Happy Mother’s Day! 🙂
I wish I could….
That is one impressive resume, Lady. But wait…I didn’t see the word ‘poop’ anywhere in there. In my resume, there would be an entire section devoted to that topic alone. I consider myself quite the expert.
I hope you have a wonderful, restful weekend outside — with sun! Cheers, Darla. 😀
You’re right, poop deserves its own section! Happy Mother’s Day to you, Shan!
As a Certified Professional Resume Writer, I give this my seal of approval. Add writer to it though! Oh, and Joe is using this in his Mother’s Day talk on Sunday at church!
Writer? Well, YOU are a writer but me? Ha! I still don’t get paid a cent for all this drivel. And tell Joe thanks for using this in his church chat today! that made my day!
It got lots of laughs, D!! And it’s heartwarming too. Joe thinks you are hysterical.
Aw man I wish I coulda heard that sermon (and wow, as a lifelong heathen, that may be the first time those words ever crossed my lips)!
Happy Mother’s Day Darla!!
Thank you!
Yes yes yes, this mother so gets this, I think my daughters would say I did a bloody great job
I love this post and you’re hired. Wait. That came out wrong. I’m not pregnant.
I hope you had the amazing Mother’s Day you deserve, DP!
Deliciously clever!
love your resume! It should move you straight up into a CEO position. However, the entire time I was reading it all I kept thinking about is if the snow in Maine falls mainly on the plains too.
I hate my ADD.
Ha ha my debating skills are second to none! Love this!