In spite of the fact I’m in my [cough, choke, gasp, defibrillator, deep breath, labored breaths, mild recovery] mid-forties, I’ve been around the social media block a time or two. But three times? Hell no! It’s way too far to schlep, my lower back hurts like a sonofabitch and I forgot to take my GiveAShit pills this morning. I love blogging and I’m capable of tolerating Facebook a few days out of the year, but only in small doses or during those rare times when I’ve drained an entire box of Pinot grigio.
[prolonged slurps through straw, gulps, burps, box crumples] Ah! Hits the spot! Who needs a wine glass?
But as for Twitter? Harrumph! I have had it with Twitter, dagnabit! I think Twitter is nothing but mindless liking — excuse me, “favoriting” — and clicking and following that only leaves me feeling alone in the social media black hole. Even more disheartening, I’m actually losing followers. Yes! I’ll gain a few then a day later lose five. And I didn’t tweet anything remotely controversial about feminism!
Believe me, I tried to get the wrong kind of attention but failed miserably.
Even the crickets didn’t respond. Twitter manages to make me feel more unpopular and rejected than I did when I was a gangly bespectacled zit-riddled hot mess at the junior high dance. Sure, that was just last week when I was chaperoning my son’s dance but it still stings.
But Darla! you say. Twitter is great! You can share links! You can get your brand out there! You can promote other blogs! You can RT! You can zigzag and jibjab and XYZ!
Sorry — still hate Twitter. And not because it’s hip to pretend you don’t need social media attention. I do need it! I’m nothing without it! My life is devoid of all meaning when I continuously fail to go viral. I admit it: I’m a bitter Twitter loser. I opened my account in 2009 and have a grand total of 200 followers. Damn — now it’s 199 … 198… Six solid years throwing up lame tweets I wrote in my sleep and this is my reward? Cruel perpetual rejection? Reminds me of the time I was at the cool kids’ kegger and ended up in the corner nursing a wine cooler and whispering to a ficus plant. Fine, that was last night but it still hurts.
Things I hate about Twitter:
- The 140 character limit. I need at least 1,000 characters to be lukewarm witty on a good day. Screw being succinct. Let’s just say I’m a “slow-burn” type of writer. Extremely slow. It takes eons for me to get to the punch line. Possibly never.
- If you don’t instantly and blindly follow someone who just followed you, they will drop you faster than a hot potato grenade stuffed inside a bag of flaming poop.
- Now every breaking news story features tweets about the news story. Like we need to know what Bella from Omaha thinks about our state of foreign affairs.
- Celebrities on Twitter who don’t seem to want to be my friend.
- Celebrities who are so beyond cool they have a million followers but only follow two. And one of them is always Patton Oswalt.
- Patton Oswalt.
I suppose the only good thing about Twitter is my kids haven’t discovered it. Yet.
I shudder for the future.
So what about you? Really? Get out. You hate it, too? Yeah. It’s really stupid, huh. People on social media are pretty insecure and lame. So needy for attention. Jeez. Pathetic. Hey … why don’t you go over there right now and follow me? You know, in the spirit of anti-social-media-ism.