How’s the summer going for you? Mine is good so far. I’ve sworn off most social media. I did go on Instagram and Facebook a few times but really, those don’t count, right?
What I Did On My Summer Vacation
- Went on a diet.
In my mind.
Man, I REALLY should eat more kale and put down this bagel with cream cheese.
- Went off a diet that never really existed in the first place. I like to live a genuine life.
- Went back on diet. Then off. Then on. Off. On. Off. On. And this was all within the span of time it took me to shuffle into the kitchen.
“I want to be healthy, eat kale and live longer!” vs ” But life’s too short so gimme that cupcake, dammit!”
Now I’m on a “I’ll eat whatever I think is good for me at the time and be happy and shut the hell up” diet. It really works. It keeps the weight off and on.
- Ate some s’mores by the campfire and still think they taste like burnt crap on cardboard.
- Almost went camping with the kids in a tent by the ocean until a cold torrential rain hit and we stayed home instead. I owe you one, God.
- Discussed death and dying with my 8 year old daughter before bed.
“Hey, Mom, when will you die? Will I die? Where do we go when we die? Do we come back? What’s heaven like? Are there cookies?”
“Yeah, sure, there are lots of cookies in heaven. Now go to sleep.”
Ten minutes later, she was sound asleep. Me? Now I spend the rest of my nights hallucinating from insomnia and watching old reruns of the Golden Girls.
- Stayed at a hotel on the spur of the moment only to discover it had been taken over by 3,000 costumed mega-geeks visiting for Portland’s version of Comic-Con. When we checked in I saw Zelda, the Flash and Smurfette hanging out at the bar. I was happy to find out it was not a hallucination. Then I was unhappy to find out it was not a hallucination.
- Almost got into a smack-down in the hotel lobby with Thor over the last danish. But he knew he had no chance and wisely stepped off.
- A mama bird decided to deposit two tiny blue eggs in her nest.
Unfortunately, she built her nest in my flowers. My flowers are on the deck. Two feet from my front door. The screen door two hellions cranked up on Fla-Vor-Ice burst in and out of approximately 4 million times a day. She is not happy with me. Never knew a bird had the ability to glare.
- In keeping with my hallucination/insomnia theme, I’m currently reading the fascinating book Hallucinations by one of my favorite authors, Dr. Oliver Sacks. I’ve suffered from migraine with aura since I was about 12. I see zigzag lights, blind spots etc. I still often have hypnopompic hallucinations at night. Mine are always giant multi-colored spiders either scurrying up the walls or hanging mere inches from my face. As you can imagine this is a little unsettling for me.In the past I’ve smacked them with a pillow or screamed. Thankfully, the spiders disintegrate the second I try to kill them. It’s frustrating because it leaves me wide awake and in a complete panic. Naturally, my yelling “AHHH! AHHH! AHHH!” wakes my husband as well. I tell him it’s payback for all his snoring.
Still, I wonder — why spiders?! Why can’t I hallucinate pretty flowers or stacks of cash or even a hairy Wonder Woman? I’ve decided to write Dr. Sacks a letter and ask him these pressing questions. If he writes back I’ll be sure to let you all know.
Okay, that’s it for my lazy, crazy, hazy, hairy Wonder Woman summer. What’s new with you guys?