(No, not Adele.)
But it really is me! Don’t be fooled! I know! It’s truly uncanny how much Adele and I look alike. And I’m back to blogging again (sorta). Yippee! I’ve missed you guys.
So, what’s new with you? Oh yeah? Really?! NO! GET OUT!
…I’m sorry…what? I kinda wasn’t listening. I’m too busy slobbing away here in my ratty bathrobe and pajamas. Yeah, I work from home now. It’s the ideal job. I get paid for writing text for an academic publishing company AND get to wear slippers. Naturally, there are many perks of working from home, but man, my co-worker can be such a bitch. She ate half my tuna sandwich yesterday, just inhaled it and didn’t even apologize. That’s okay, revenge is sweet. Later today I plan on finishing off the pumpkin pie she left in the break room fridge unattended. Amateur.
So, what’s big news lately? Apparently, Christie Brinkley still rocks a bikini at the age of 60. Big deal. Why in the hell do we care? I’m gonna wait and see if she still rocks one at the age of 85. I get the feeling the only rocks we’ll be seeing then are her boobs on the floor. Yeah, that might be newsworthy.
And hey, how about posting something that would really spark my interest? Like a photo of Abe Vigoda in a speedo? Just doesn’t seem fair to me. Why do we need to know old celebrities still look good? And for people that keep insisting body image doesn’t matter, they sure do have to keep reminding us of what their body looks like.
And as if Christie Brinkley wasn’t enough, now we get to feast our eyes on Amy Schumer wearing nothing but panties, heels, and a smirk in her new “Look at me! It’s shocking and cool because I’m all naked and don’t give a shit but I really do give a shit” photo.
Again, why? Where’s the photo of Louis C.K. wearing nothing but a banana hammock and a creepy grin? Why isn’t he concerned with how sexy he looks? And who in the blue blazes IS Amy Schumer?
All this rampant in-your-face nakedness is starting to get to me. I was standing in line at Target and had to shield my kids’ eyes from the soft porn that is now a magazine cover staple. (Don’t worry, I covered my husband’s eyes too.)
I think we all get it now. Body image isn’t important…but it really is important. It’s all about our bodies and what we look like. That’s all that matters now. And the more naked, the better.
As my 81-year-old mom says, “What’s next? Everyone is just gonna trot around naked now? Have you seen that Naked and Afraid show? Or Dating Naked? Let’s have all the TV shows naked! Football games can be naked! The Patriots can be naked! Hell, let’s have the presidential debates all naked, all the time!”
I think she kept rambling, but to be honest, I was still thinking about Tom Brady naked.
And trying to erase the image in my mind’s eye of Trump wearing nothing but that ridiculous trucker hat.
But thank god I finally snapped out of it long enough to stick a fork into my eyes. And pour acid in them. And go to therapy. And take the blue pill from Morpheus to have my entire memory bank wiped clean.
But back to my new work-at-home career power wardrobe.
This is the conversation I had with my husband last night.
Him: So, you want a new housecoat for Christmas?
Me: What?! A housecoat? What am I, Sophia from the Golden Girls?
Him: Oh, so…you DON’T want a housecoat?
Me: (thinks) No…I do. (sighs) I really do.
Maybe I’ll order one for Amy Schumer and Christie Brinkley. Consider it my gift to the world.
So, really, what’s new with you guys? Anything going on? Any fun/horror-filled Thanksgiving dinners to tell me about? Which one of your relatives got too drunk? It was you, wasn’t it? What do you want from Santa this year? Everyone to shut the hell up? Yeah, me too. Have you done any shopping? I shopped completely online, didn’t even get up off the couch once. It was the best moment of my life.