Hello.

Hello.

It’s me.

(No, not Adele.)

Slide1

Sorry.

But it really is me! Don’t be fooled! I know! It’s truly uncanny how much Adele and I look alike. And I’m back to blogging again (sorta). Yippee! I’ve missed you guys.

So, what’s new with you? Oh yeah? Really?! NO! GET OUT!

…I’m sorry…what? I kinda wasn’t listening. I’m too busy slobbing away here in my ratty bathrobe and pajamas. Yeah, I work from home now. It’s the ideal job.  I get paid for writing text for an academic publishing company AND get to wear slippers.  Naturally, there are many perks of working from home, but man, my co-worker can be such a bitch. She ate half my tuna sandwich yesterday, just inhaled it and didn’t even apologize. That’s okay, revenge is sweet. Later today I plan on finishing off the pumpkin pie she left in the break room fridge unattended. Amateur.

So, what’s big news lately? Apparently, Christie Brinkley still rocks a bikini at the age of 60. Big deal. Why in the hell do we care? I’m gonna wait and see if she still rocks one at the age of 85.  I get the feeling the only rocks we’ll be seeing then are her boobs on the floor. Yeah, that might be newsworthy.

And hey, how about posting something that would really spark my interest? Like a photo of Abe Vigoda in a speedo? Just doesn’t seem fair to me. Why do we need to know old celebrities still look good? And for people that keep insisting body image doesn’t matter, they sure do have to keep reminding us of what their body looks like.

And as if Christie Brinkley wasn’t enough, now we get to feast our eyes on Amy Schumer wearing nothing but panties, heels, and a smirk in her new “Look at me! It’s shocking and cool because I’m all naked and don’t give a shit but I really do give a shit” photo.

Again, why? Where’s the photo of Louis C.K. wearing nothing but a banana hammock and a creepy grin? Why isn’t he concerned with how sexy he looks? And who in the blue blazes IS Amy Schumer?

All this rampant in-your-face nakedness is starting to get to me. I was standing in line at Target and had to shield my kids’ eyes from the soft porn that is now a magazine cover staple. (Don’t worry, I covered my husband’s eyes too.)

I think we all get it now. Body image isn’t important…but it really is important. It’s all about our bodies and what we look like. That’s all that matters now. And the more naked, the better.

As my 81-year-old mom says, “What’s next? Everyone is just gonna trot around naked now? Have you seen that Naked and Afraid show? Or Dating Naked? Let’s have all the TV shows naked! Football games can be naked! The Patriots can be naked! Hell, let’s have the presidential debates all naked, all the time!”

I think she kept rambling, but to be honest, I was still thinking about Tom Brady naked.

And trying to erase the image in my mind’s eye of Trump wearing nothing but that ridiculous trucker hat.

But thank god I finally snapped out of it long enough to stick a fork into my eyes. And pour acid in them. And go to therapy. And take the blue pill from Morpheus to have my entire memory bank wiped clean.

But back to my new work-at-home career power wardrobe.

This is the conversation I had with my husband last night.

Him: So, you want a new housecoat for Christmas?

Me: What?! A housecoat? What am I, Sophia from the Golden Girls?

sophia

Him: Oh, so…you DON’T want a housecoat?

Me: (thinks) No…I do.  (sighs) I really do.

Maybe I’ll order one for Amy Schumer and Christie Brinkley. Consider it my gift to the world.

_____________________________________________________

So, really, what’s new with you guys? Anything going on? Any fun/horror-filled Thanksgiving dinners to tell me about? Which one of your relatives got too drunk? It was you, wasn’t it? What do you want from Santa this year? Everyone to shut the hell up? Yeah, me too. Have you done any shopping? I shopped completely online, didn’t even get up off the couch once. It was the best moment of my life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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77 thoughts on “Hello.

  1. “Body image isn’t important…but it really is important.” Yup, that’s the paradox. Whether it’s your definition or someone else’s, it’s still a body image, all wrapped up in judgement — sexual, political, social, marketable…

  2. Hello, it’s me is Todd Rundgren. Not Adele. And I know you know who I’m talking about. So don’t even try it.

    My Bride works from home. I don’ t know how you guys do it. I have to remote in when there’s a blizzard and I hate it. Do you know that all you have to do is stick your arm out and you can touch food? It’s a big distraction for me.

    Don’t be jealous of Brinkley. She’s been married a few (several?) times and each time her husband has run out on her. What do you suppose we can suppose from that little factoid? It’s better to be you, ratty robe and all.

    Brady lost. Not so perfect after all. Ha. Do you know what I like to do? I like to rewind the end of the Broncos game and watch it over and over and over.

    Good that you made an appearance. I was going to send out a harsh message.

    1. Yep, you got me, I do know Todd Rundgren’s version. Whenever I hear Adele, his song pops in my head along with Lionel Richie’s. It’s an ear worm from the pits of hell.

      As for working from home, there are definitely bad things about it. Like the fact people don’t get that I’m actually doing WORK. My mom stops over at least three times a day and I’m like, “I’ve got a deadline! I’m not really sitting here playing Candy Crush, I swear!” I love working from home mainly because a) no commute and b) no co-workers and c) no clothes.

      Again, your comments about the Patriots make me laugh. And seethe with a burning rage. I happened to stay up late that night to watch my beloved Brady crumble in overtime. I was so ticked I didn’t go to sleep until 3 am. That’s okay, they’ll still win the Super Bowl, deflated or not.

  3. I’m still picturing the Pats playing, wearing only jocks. Hmmm. LOL!! So, the nursing thing wasn’t for you? (Secretly glad you’re back to writing because I missed your bloggy humor). I’ve been shifting and healing so much that I’ve put myself into an almost catatonic stupor (trying to write a blog about it, but I keep falling asleep). After a hellish start to the school year, things with the kid seem to be sorted out pretty well for a change (so not used to that). Figures that if he had to have one teacher who was a total mental case, I mean, a really bad match, it was his special ed teacher. A few changes made and life is bearable again.

    Yeah, this whole body image thing is getting really annoying. Just give me a pair of jeans, a shirt and an LL Bean chamois shirt or fleece, and all I ask is that they fit and not be black or white. I like to wear colors. Fat, thin, meh. Whatever. I am, however, going to get on someone’s ass there in Freeport, because they’ve stopped carrying the women’s plus size chamois shirts, and I need more than one. Know anyone who has any pull there?

    1. Yay! So happy things are going well with the boy! Never good to have a teacher that doesn’t work well with students.

      Yeah, I tried the medical assistant thing and wasn’t a big fan. But now I’m writing text and getting paid for it. I write the little blurbs for images. My first book I just finished today was Anatomy and Physiology. Loved it! I’m all about medical terms. I’m seriously thinking of forming a rock band just so we can call ourselves Medulla Oblongata.

      I’ll put a word in for the chamois shirt. One of my brothers is a big time supervisor there.

      1. Oh, good. Someone else asked this question. Now for #2 (question, potty brain, not excrement). So, if you weren’t in school anymore and finished running and screaming from Health Care, WTF HAVE you been doing?

  4. Hello you, I can assure you, you look nothing like Adele – because I have missed you, not her. Good to hear that you have now found something you really like! And working from home, saving the environment (and your nerves) – what is not to like?

  5. Oh how I missed you! Do you still get to stick people with needles at home?

    I had a great Thanksgiving. Nobody died and I didn’t get crabby. A win-win. Hello? How are you? …. I’ll go with Todd Rundgren, too. If only I could spell his name.

    1. Nope, no needles anymore! I don’t think I’ll ever do that again, as fun as it was.

      Glad you had a good death-free Thanksgiving. I had to laugh because I also had no clue how to spell Todd Rundgren’s name.

  6. SO great to see you back! Like an early Christmas present!! 😀 Yes, I took my flask to Thanksgiving dinner. The only drinker. Hey, the first feast without the kids is hardest, right? Although, I did not have to watch teenage man child pile only dry turkey and rolls on his plate… that was a huge plus, actually. Anyway, a Holiday without the in-laws cannot be bad (and many more to come! Woohoo!!)!

    Oh, and thanks so much for creating horrific pictures in my mind that now I CAN NEVER UN-SEE!! Pass the eye-poking forks, will ya?

    Joyously celebrating your return,
    C

    1. Thank you for the sweet comment! And a holiday without in-laws and kids? I imagine there are good and bad things about it. I had two thanksgiving dinners to attend that day. Which sounds nice and I’m lucky and blessed, etc. but I had a big headache after all the family drama. Next year I plan on staying home and cooking my own dry turkey.

  7. I’ve missed you, Darla!! You’re in top form. The absence hasn’t affected your writing in the slightest. Still as hilarious as always. I’m also perplexed about this naked thing from so many who say it’s not relevant and then, of course, it is because we’re all talking and looking at it all the time. It might be more of a load off if we all just admitted it! I saw the Amy Schumer photo and I learned she’s a size 6. Really? What does she have to worry about? I’m lucky my kids are oblivious to it all. Hey, do you have any openings where you work?? I promise I won’t steal anything.

    1. Thanks so much, Amy! I was worried I’ve lost my comedic touch. Turns out all I need to do is scour the internet for dumb news. And I know this sounds snarky (and it’s meant to) but yeah, Amy Schumer, let’s see you naked after you’ve popped out two kids and hit your mid-40s. Then I’ll think you’re being “bold” and making a stand for women.

      1. Ha! I thought the same thing about Amy Schumer. She never had kids. So, who cares? I’m sick of it, too. Oddly, I always look at those body image related articles. Somebody stop me!

  8. Are you really writing for a living now? How did I not know this – it’s FABULOUS! And I’m sure that if anyone can make a ratty old housecoat look bitchin’, it would be Christie Brinkley. Er, I mean you. You. Did I mention YOU?

    1. Yes! I am getting paid for writing! It’s nuts! Granted, it’s for academic textbooks… but it’s SOMEthing. It’s certainly helping me fine-tune my writing skills. And I’m getting paid for it. Did I mention that? Money! For my writing skills! Has the world gone mad?

  9. I always work from home, no that isn’t right I work at home, no not right either, I work at making a home, that sounds more like it since my job is that of mother and grandmother, not wife that is not a job that is just what I am although thinking about it it takes work to be a good wife and not murder my husband by smothering him with a pillow when his snoring is keeping me awake now I have forgot what I was saying so I will leave now (backs out of room) falls over and swears (note to self, don’t back out of rooms)

    1. I agree with you, being a stay at home mom/wife is the hardest job. I did it for almost 11 years straight. Still managed to keep my sanity (for the most part). And I would never back out of a room, too dangerous at my age.

  10. Don’t know Amy Schmoozer. Funny you mentioned Brinkley cos I’m a Billy Joel fan (and you know Brinkley and Billy used to be together -got a daughter named Alexa). Anyways, told my husband about Brinkley looking at 60. “Yeah, well she didn’t have to scrub her kitchen floor everyday, that’s why!” He prefers the ratty robe too. Not that I own one 😉

  11. The picture…..I can’t ….. it’s hilarious!
    I think your husband should get your some working girl house coats. Something comfy, yet if your boss skypes you there is no need to rush for clothes. Wait a minute….I think I’m on to something brilliant! We can partner up on this idea, make bazillions and rule the world.
    My husband cuts grass for an older woman who always comes out to pay him, no matter what time of the day. in her pink house coat. The hair is done, the lipstick is on and the granny panties are in full view through that seersucker number. She wants him so bad!

    1. Ha! Well, I think you’ve hit on a brilliant idea. Housecoats made to look like business clothes. The bathrobe I have now is oversized, fuzzy and polka-dotted. Not the best Skype look. Thankfully, my boss communicates with me mainly through email.

  12. Hey woman! Good to see you. There’s a rumor that this year’s holiday party over at The Nudge will be clothing optional. Luckily for those attending, it’ll be an online party, due to the ongoing fumigation project.

  13. Naked. But at some point you’d rather look at cookies ‘n cream ice cream in a clear glass dish or 12 year old bourbon, neat. It’s a matter of perspective. I now “work” from home. Writing full time between driving The Child Bride around the countryside and feeding the wood stove. But when she snatches the ear bud out and gives me “the look”, I know she still doesn’t buy it. Maybe after the second book comes out…

  14. Ha,ha,ha! Love how you and your mom think! MMMMmmmm, the whole Tom Brady naked thing…
    I am all about house coats and robes and own way more than I should admit to. I’m passing on this ‘love of robes’ gene to my daughter by getting her a new one for Christmas. She’ll be thrilled. How nice that you can sit at home in your new house coat (or naked) and do your work while staring out the window at the blizzards that will undoubtedly come down on us this winter and give them the finger! 🙂

    BTW, Amy Schumer though crude, is hilarious. You need to rent her movie, Train Wreck, preferably during the day when the kids are not home. You will laugh out loud and have to run to the bathroom so you don’t have an accident on your couch! 🙂

    1. Funny you mention watching blizzards outside the window because that is one of the main reasons I’m thrilled to be working from home. I hate driving in snow!

      I will definitely watch Trainwreck because I LOVE LOVE LOVE Bill Hader! He is hilarious.

  15. Love this. I’m eating a tuna fish sandwich in the hopes it helps me get my blogging mojo back. I think it’s gone into premature winter hibernation and won’t been seen again until the spring. Only 108 days to go. *big grin*

    1. Now that I’ve cranked out this post, I’m afraid I won’t be able to do it again until next year. Oh well. I’m trying to find the time and it’s just nonexistent. I can barely find time to respond to comments and that’s my favorite thing to do!

  16. Ha! I just popped in here for the first time in forever and find you posting again! I keep thinking I’ll write something again someday. I’ll take shit for this but I don’t get why body image isn’t important?!? Look I get it, few of us are going to look like movie stars who have personal trainers and tons of money to stay fit and that stuff is constantly forced down our throats. But we also have an obesity epidemic in this country with no end in sight! Maybe more people should start being concerned about body image. Okay enough rant, go back to being funny! 🙂

    1. Steve-o! Yes, obesity is a problem. I agree people need to lose weight for their health, absolutely. But our bodies are just a tiny part of who we are. Even if we’re slightly overweight we shame ourselves or other people judge us. It really shouldn’t matter. And at the same time, we do care what we look like. Lord knows I’m vain. I think that song by Carly Simon was about me.

      By the by, your photo on facebook was awesome but… I have to confess something…this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to admit… I…..do…..not…..know…. who the fuck Rick is on Walking Dead. I don’t even know what Walking Dead is. Something about zombies…?

      We’re still friends though, right?

  17. Haha! Love it! I actually brought 2 bottles of wine to my mom’s for Thanksgiving. I finished about three quarters of one of them by myself and like 6 other people shared the other one and still had some left. I guess I’m the drunk aunt. 😛

  18. Hmmm, what does it say if I asked for a new housecoat but I don’t work at home? And that I asked my mum for it? In my favor, I did specify no pastels. I’m 30, not 300. Let’s keep things a little youthful. Congrats on the new job! Can’t wait to hear more.

  19. Great to see you again! Love the picture. I have never worn a bikini myself, and should never do it (God forbid!) now that I’m as old as I am. Great picture of the Golden Girls. What’s with all the nakedness. That’s something I really try not to think about…

  20. Hey you! Speaking of Adele, I don’t know if you saw this but on a TV show over here a couple of weeks back, Adele did a prank thing where she got dressed up as an Adele impersonator, fake nose and suchlike, and entered an Adele impersonation contest! It’s really cool, the backstage banter between the Adeles when they don’t know it’s her, and then after when they realise it is her. I think you’ll like it if you haven’t seen it – https://youtu.be/OHXjxWaQs9o

  21. *waves* Hi Darla!
    What’s new with me? Well, I have a new long-ish term job (which I will be blogging about once I finish this comment). Thanksgiving was a huge success, even with the little kids running around like maniacs. I was particularly proud of my mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce (I’m only half-joking, they were seriously amazing).
    I finally got my Christmas cards in the mail yesterday (to be fair, I would have gotten them out sooner if the post offices would stop closing for no particular reason, but I’ve given up trying to understand French bureaucracy). As far as Christmas shopping goes, however, so far I’ve only managed to find one present. But then I rarely manage to find everything well ahead of time. I suspect it may well be Amazon to the rescue this year…

    1. So happy your Thanksgiving was wonderful. I’m almost done with my shopping. I still have to find a cell phone for my mom. But I can’t find one with super-large buttons she can see, but not so big it resembles her TV remote.

  22. Wow, Darla, so lucky!!! Despite your b******* co-worker, I mean. Working from home in slippers…how on earth did you land that!?! Congrats either way. I have been on and off again here, as well, but for now, am back on to read, write, and catch up on blogging life. Happy New Year to you, girl! Rock that housecoat! XOXO-Kasey

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