My New Year’s Resolutions

You say you want a resolution?
Well, Holy Giant Ball Drop! It’s almost time to kiss another year goodbye. And I am over at The Nudge Wink Report yet again. Where the hell does the time go?

Straight to my ass and thighs as usual.

But next year will be different. Because it’s resolution time, baby! If I write this stuff down, I’ll actually do it, right?

Nah.

But maybe, just maybe if I try hard enough, Adele will go away.

Stop on over and see what else I plan to fail at next year.

The Nudge Wink Report

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I know I’m a little early.

But I have so much stuff to work on! Might as well get a jump on my inevitable failures, right?

[jumps up and down on the couch and raises fists à la Tom Cruise on Oprah]

BRING IT ON, 2016! YAHOOOOOO!

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[groans] I think I just threw my back out again.

[gasps] Dammit, and now there’s a crushing pain in my chest. Could be angina. Or that last taco I had for breakfast.

[burps] Oh dear god. Either way, I’d better hurry up and start breaking my resolutions.

MY 2016 RESOLUTIONS:

  • Eat happily.
  • Exercise angrily. (I think I have a good shot at this one.)
  • Open up new restaurant called McBloaty’s that only serves extra large sacks of pure gluten.
  • Determine precisely what it would take to stop Adele.
  • Figure out what’s really inside of Donald Trump’s head. Vast empty space? Gummy bears? A dusty…

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