Don’t waste your money because I will win.


The odds of winning this week’s Powerball jackpot are 1 in 292.2 million.

I’ve written about Powerball before in Why can’t I get struck by lightning just once?

But people still think that they might win the 1.3 billion (about 20 bucks and change after taxes)? Get real.

Please, that’s like saying Justin Bieber might not have ruined the Mayan ruins forever.

To help you put things into perspective, here are some other odds:

1 in 292.2 million: The odds I will find even a single dirty penny on the ground.

1 in 500 million: The odds that Justin Bieber will visit a highly-respected location and not drop his pants.

1 in 3: The odds I will drop my pants at any given time.

1 in infinity X infinity to the nth power: The odds Donald Trump will say anything remotely intelligent and/or not offensive.

1 in 2.3 trillion: The odds Donald Trump will get struck by lightning, rendering him permanently speechless.

1 in 1: The odds I will open the dishwasher and get in an argument with my husband over whether the dishes are clean or not.

1 in 1: The odds I will look in the mirror in the morning and die a little inside.

1 in 1: The odds my mother will find some way to work guilt into our conversation.

1 in 1: The odds I will not win the Powerball.

Okay, I’d love to crunch more numbers for you guys but I have to go wait in line to buy more tickets. Wish me luck.

And if I win, I promise you will never hear from me again.

Because I’ll be too busy droppin’ trou in Justin Bieber’s front yard.

So, if you DID win, what would you do first?
And the second thing would be to give me the rest of your money, right?

58 thoughts on “Don’t waste your money because I will win.

  1. First!

    Let me tell you something…That money is going to ruin someone. And I’m not joking. I’m sure that you and everyone else thinks you could handle it. But what you can’t control is how people are going to treat you. And believe me, you’re going to be treated differently. It’s not going to be all great. I prayed to God I don’t win. What a nightmare!

      1. It’s funny but I also said the same things to my husband. Why would anyone want that much money? Think of the misery! Think of how many god-awful people would suddenly want to be your friend? (shudders) I’d rather be broke and have real friends. Real friends who happened to win the powerball.

        1. Owning a boat or a swimming pool is an excellent analogy. Do you know how much work it is, and how expensive it is, to own a boat or a pool? They’re a ginormous pain in the ass. Best to have friends with boats and pools. We’re a pretty happy foursome and I’m confident that $1.3B would put that to a quick halt. I’d lost my mind and take up with an Asian girl half my age named Yum-Yum and my daughters would hate me for the rest of their lives.

      2. True, money can’t buy happiness. I think John Lennon said once you have your basic needs met, the rest doesn’t matter in the end. Your problems will still be there. There are plenty of really rich and miserable people out there. But a tiny part of me would like to see if that’s true if just for a short time.

    1. Well, if you do happen to accidentally win, you might be able to convince Darla or me to help you get rid of the ticket, because we’re your friends and friends help each other.

  2. You’d better not win. I want to keep hearing from you. If I won, I’d take my kid out of school, hire a tutor for him and travel around the world as a family. I’d find some charitable works to support. And once we settled back down (assuming traveling would eventually get old) I’d get a big enough house- on the ocean- that I could have a Great Dane and a Saint Bernard. Oh, and I’d buy a better camera with all professional series lenses.

  3. I can’t believe I didn’t win on Saturday. I held the winning ticket, but my numbers weren’t picked. Looks like I’ll have to wait until Wednesday, then I’ll have a blog party like it’s 1999! Don’t worry. I’ll slip you a few bucks.

    1. Much appreciated, Susie. But I think you’re sadly mistaken because I’m going to win. I am buying FIVE tickets later today, all with random computer-generated numbers. You really can’t go wrong with that strategy.

  4. We thought it was huge when our lottery got to £60m this past weekend! Mind you, you automatically get the whole lot in one go here when you win the lottery, no tax to pay, no payout over 20 years, or a taking a smaller amount as a lump sum, you just get the lot as the advertised prize, so actually £60m is pretty huge really! I could get myself some real pretty stuff with that I can tell you. If you do win Darla, just remember to tick the “No publicity” box, otherwise you’ll get every nutter from every corner of the globe contacting you for their share! (But obviously tell me you’ve won).

    1. “No publicity” is not an option here. Your name has to be released by law so that nobody suspects chicanery in the lottery office. Your name is splattered all over the media. Hardly worth 1.3 billion! Or is it…?

      1. Oh really! Over here you have the option of no publicity, but most people don’t choose it and I never understand why, maybe they like the idea of the fame and don’t realise all the nasty repercussions. The lottery people must spin them a good line too about why they shouldn’t tick it – I bet they say to them that it will leak out eventually so they may as well get it over with or something.

  5. If I did win, I’d give my parents the whole thing! Let them get the headache of all the financial management. Me? I’ll be living the life as a heiress to a huge fortune.

  6. I’d never wear high heels again.
    And I’d pay off the student loans of everyone I’ve ever met.
    Then go play the slots in Vegas. Because that always works out in the movies. *nods head; thumbs up*

  7. I’m actually secretly relieved that you have this sewn up. My employees and I went in on $18 worth of tickets for the last one, and I had to extract a promise that if we won they would not a) be no-shows at work the next day and would at least give me a few weeks, and b) not hire Johnny Paycheck to come in the office to serenade me with, “Take This Job and Shove It.”

    One of the best things about you winning 20 bazillion $ (besides sharing with me, old buddy) you can afford a new dishwasher. Hell, you could afford an army of live-in servants, one who only washes dishes and one who only washes pans.

  8. Dana

    I’ve found several dirty pennies on the ground, through the years — wait, does that mean I am going to win? GASP! I’ll totally share with all of you, I promise!



  9. Weirdly enough, money DOES buy happiness – but only to a certain point. Up to $75,000 (I think), people really do feel happier because they can afford all bills while still having some leftover to play with. Above that amount = mo money, mo problems. So if you DO win, you’ll need to give away all but $75,000 of it in order to be truly happy! Just looking out for you 😉

  10. If you win that money and are too miserable you can just give it to me. I accept! It’s an insane amount!! You could buy a whole country with that kind of dough. I’m sure I wouldn’t know what to do with it. I’d buy some new clothes for sure. Some new boots! You’re so funny. 🙂

  11. I always think it’s funny when someone tries to reassure me by saying the chances of something dangerous happening like being bitten by a shark are only 1 in 11 million, and then that person plays the lottery which has remarkably slimmer chances. If you play the lottery because you think 1 in 300 million odds aren’t impossible, shouldn’t you be terrified of 1 in 11 million?

  12. Thanks for reminding me to go buy a ticket or few. That’s what happens when you’re retired and get to enjoy sitting around in your woman cave in your jammies and robe reading blogs and other “news.”
    Do these people have any idea what they did to our collective psyche when they increased the odds against winning? Now I’ll have to try to remember to buy more often!

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