Jerry’s alone in his apartment. He’s watching television and eating cereal.
JERRY (giggling): Man, I love The Three Stooges.
The door buzzer sounds. Jerry walks over and presses the intercom button.
JERRY: Yeah?
ELAINE (breathing heavily): Jerry! Jerry! It’s an emergency! Let me in quick! I need help!
JERRY: Who is this?
ELAINE: Jerry!
JERRY: Okay, okay, come on up.
Jerry cracks open the door, then sits down on the couch and resumes giggling at the TV.
Elaine bursts through the door with a bunch of bras in her hands.
ELAINE (gasping): Quick! Where’s your washing machine?
JERRY: What? I don’t have one.
ELAINE (exasperated): You don’t have one?
JERRY: I dry clean everything.
ELAINE: Ah! God! I’m doomed!
Elaine throws her bras onto the kitchen counter and plunks herself down on the couch. She wiggles around, clearly uncomfortable as she frantically pulls on her blouse.
JERRY (clicks off TV): What’s with you?
ELAINE (cries): I’ve run out of bras! They’re all dirty!
JERRY: Well, don’t you clean them?
ELAINE: Yes, Jerry, I clean them. Occasionally. But all the washers were being used in my building so I had to put on my stupid sports bra this morning. (pushes her breasts together) Now they’re all squished!
JERRY: Wait a second … since when do you play sports?
ELAINE (smirks): Ha, ha, ha. Very funny, Jerry. And I have a meeting with Mr. Pitt in an hour. Ah! How can I live like this all day? (thrashes around) Dumb boobs!
JERRY: I don’t know how you guys walk around with those things.
Kramer bursts through the door. He slides across the floor, spins around, and points a finger at Elaine.
KRAMER: You guys talking boobs?
JERRY: I’ve got to remember to lock my door.
ELAINE (dejectedly): I suppose I could just wear one of my dirty bras. (gestures sadly toward bras on counter)
JERRY (picks up the bras with salad tongs and deposits them onto Elaine’s lap): Yes. Well, how many bras do you own?
ELAINE: I don’t know… four, maybe five?
JERRY: Five? That’s it?
ELAINE: Yeah … well, really only two good ones that actually fit. (thinks intently) One. (nods) I have one bra that I like.
KRAMER (bites into an apple): You’ve got lopsided boobs. (clicks tongue, wags eyebrows)
ELAINE: I don’t have lopsided boobs. Okay, well … I guess one is a little smaller than the other, (scoffs) but I certainly wouldn’t call it lopsided.
JERRY: Actually, that’s the very definition of lopsided.
KRAMER (slurps from a Snapple, wipes his mouth with his sleeve): I like lopsided boobs. Makes it interesting. Always a surprise. (winks at Jerry)
Door buzzes. It’s George. Jerry buzzes him up.
ELAINE: I don’t have lopsided — okay, here! You guys wanna check?
JERRY: Check?
ELAINE: Yeah, feel ’em. Go ahead.
JERRY (chuckles): I’ve already had the distinct pleasure so I don’t think I need to–
KRAMER (raises hand and approaches Elaine): I will!
Elaine stands up and heaves her chest in Kramer’s direction. Kramer reaches forward.
George enters panting. He slowly limps over to the couch.
GEORGE (moans as he sits down): I’ve injured my foot, Jerry. It’s bad. I may never walk again!
George glances over at Kramer and Elaine.
GEORGE: Did I miss something here?
JERRY: Nah, Kramer’s just feeling Elaine’s boobs. It’s nothing.
Seinfeld theme music plays. Commercial break.
~ Stay tuned next time for Part 2 of The Soap Suc ~
*********
This post is dedicated to my father who passed away in 1991. Not only is Seinfeld one of my all-time favorite sitcoms (along with Cheers, Friends and Roseanne) it holds a very special place in my heart. I remember watching the first few seasons with him back in 1989-90 when it was called The Seinfeld Chronicles. The ratings were terrible in the beginning. But my dad had a great sense of humor and he loved the show from the start. He thought Seinfeld was innovative and insisted it would go far. I still watch old Seinfeld episodes all the time and damn, was my dad right.
She's A Maineiac 
Fantastic episode, Darla. You should write for television! I could “see” Kramer’s classic entrance. That was one crazy cast of characters. Loved that show!
Thanks, Susie! This post was pure fun for me. Writing for TV would be my dream job for sure. Actually, just watching TV would be my dream job.
I watch TV like a pro.
Brilliant. Well done. You’re like the Seinfeld of WordPress. Because you are real and you are spectacular. *grin*
I think there were like three boob-related episodes, the spectacular boobs, the nip slip, and the manziere. So I just had to work boob in again to keep the theme, why not.
I’d say you got full coverage from this post.
Great episode, Miss Darla! Poor Elaine- I know just how she feels. It’s sad when you’re down to the sports bra. Boob-squishing is about the only sport mine ever sees, if that could be considered a sport, and I also have only one good bra that I like.
Have you done some redecorating around here? Very clean and modern look going on. I need to do some updating. My place is so old and stagnant it’s the shag-carpeted rumpus room of blogs.
Yep, every new year I give my blog a deep cleaning, buy a few throw pillows. Now all I need to do is install that bar and add a few bean bag chairs and I can call it home.
Reblogged this on ugiridharaprasad.
Seinfeld is just amazing isn’t it?!? I love Cheers and MASH…because I watched them with my dad. Thanks for sharing this bit of yourself with us💜
Oh, that’s so nice you had that time with your dad. My dad and I also watched Jeopardy religiously, but I thought rewriting a Jeopardy show would be a lot harder than Seinfeld. I never liked MASH but my husband is a huge fan. Finally this past year I decided to watch an entire episode and dammit, it was funny as hell!
Yay lol! But how comical it would be to try and type that!! Too funny
You’ve found your calling!
Actually, you should write a sit-com of people who write episodes of long-gone sit coms.
I like that idea. the only show I would ever rewrite is Seinfeld because I’ve seen every episode a billion times.
You’ve captured the cast perfectly. Look forward to reading part two!
Thank you. Part 2 is even better than part 1. Part 3 hasn’t been written yet so I might have to leave it as a cliffhanger.
Lost no more. Did you ever submit material to them? Do you listen to Jerry on ‘Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee?’ It’s highly entertaining, yet it ruined the Seinfeld mystique for me. He’s kind of an elitist douche bag in real life. On almost every episode, he says something insulting or socially reprehensible. But I still listen.
I was confronted with a pair of lopsided boobs once. I handled the situation adroitly. No loss of gratification whatsoever. None.
Did you swap-out the skin of your blog? I like it. Neat and clean.
Yes! I’ve seen just about all of the comedians in cars episodes and I noticed he can be douche-bagish. I’d like to think it’s because all that fame tainted his personality. He’s coming here to do stand-up at a small venue and I tried to get tickets until I saw they were 100 bucks apiece (I think they sold out fast anyway) I saw Bill Cosby back in the day (he was a tiny speck in the distance and I thought it was generally “eh”) and I once had tickets to see George Carlin in NH but something happened and I couldn’t go. HUGE bummer there.
I heard they’re doing some sort of reunion for Friends, and I guess in case they do something for Seinfeld, they’ve already got a new episode from you!
That would be great if they did a reunion show.
I’ve only seen a few scattered episodes of Seinfeld, but this sounds about right. That show was proof that humor can be found in just about anything.
That is my philosophy exactly.
Only Kramer could say ‘You guys talking boobs?’ and get away with it. That’s classic, Kramer. Lopsided breasts are a topic only Seinfeld could handle. We need a reunion show.
To be honest, I wasn’t sure Kramer didn’t actually say that in an episode. In part 2, it’s all about George and his neurotic sex life. good stuff
I came late to Seinfeld show but became a big fan. Especially liked the Soup Nazi shows since I love soup, too! 🙂
Oh yeah that’s a classic episode! So many good ones, although there were a few episodes that left me scratching my head. I’m still trying to come up with a good catchphrase for part 2 and so far I’ve got nuthin’.
So good to “see” you around these parts, Tar!
I think Kramer should tell Elaine to “free-boob it”. Could that be a catchphrase? “Why don’t you just free-boob it?” “Free-boob?” “Free-boob it!”
I really, really wish this was an actual episode that I could watch. It’s fantastic.
Phew! I wasn’t sure anyone would even read this, so thank you for the kind comment. It’s been tons of fun imagining the dialogue.
I can absolutely just see the look on Elaine’s face as she contemplates sucking it up and putting on a dirty bra. Dispirited Elaine was always a hoot.
An apple and a Snapple! Now all he has to do is fry up some scrapple! 🙂
Man I could really go for an apple Snapple right now.
Seinfeld really does bring back good memories. One of the classics.
I think that’s why I love to watch it now because it feels like the 90s again.
I loved that show too! Your dialogue is great. Really sounds like the characters’ voices.
Thanks! It’s fun to try and imagine what they sound like. It helps they still show repeats of Seinfeld every single day.
I’m late to this party but I LOVE it! And I can totally hear all of them in my head. That show was a classic.
And as someone who has lost a parent, I can tell you I feel this exact same way about The Cosby Show, and for all the same reasons. 🙂
Thanks, Jenny! It’s funny how certain shows or music will always remind me of my dad. Seinfeld is one of them. Happy you liked it!