Jerry’s alone in his apartment. He’s watching television and eating cereal.
JERRY (giggling): Man, I love The Three Stooges.
The door buzzer sounds. Jerry walks over and presses the intercom button.
ELAINE (breathing heavily): Jerry! Jerry! It’s an emergency! Let me in quick! I need help!
JERRY: Who is this?
JERRY: Okay, okay, come on up.
Jerry cracks open the door, then sits down on the couch and resumes giggling at the TV.
Elaine bursts through the door with a bunch of bras in her hands.
ELAINE (gasping): Quick! Where’s your washing machine?
JERRY: What? I don’t have one.
ELAINE (exasperated): You don’t have one?
JERRY: I dry clean everything.
ELAINE: Ah! God! I’m doomed!
Elaine throws her bras onto the kitchen counter and plunks herself down on the couch. She wiggles around, clearly uncomfortable as she frantically pulls on her blouse.
JERRY (clicks off TV): What’s with you?
ELAINE (cries): I’ve run out of bras! They’re all dirty!
JERRY: Well, don’t you clean them?
ELAINE: Yes, Jerry, I clean them. Occasionally. But all the washers were being used in my building so I had to put on my stupid sports bra this morning. (pushes her breasts together) Now they’re all squished!
JERRY: Wait a second … since when do you play sports?
ELAINE (smirks): Ha, ha, ha. Very funny, Jerry. And I have a meeting with Mr. Pitt in an hour. Ah! How can I live like this all day? (thrashes around) Dumb boobs!
JERRY: I don’t know how you guys walk around with those things.
Kramer bursts through the door. He slides across the floor, spins around, and points a finger at Elaine.
KRAMER: You guys talking boobs?
JERRY: I’ve got to remember to lock my door.
ELAINE (dejectedly): I suppose I could just wear one of my dirty bras. (gestures sadly toward bras on counter)
JERRY (picks up the bras with salad tongs and deposits them onto Elaine’s lap): Yes. Well, how many bras do you own?
ELAINE: I don’t know… four, maybe five?
JERRY: Five? That’s it?
ELAINE: Yeah … well, really only two good ones that actually fit. (thinks intently) One. (nods) I have one bra that I like.
KRAMER (bites into an apple): You’ve got lopsided boobs. (clicks tongue, wags eyebrows)
ELAINE: I don’t have lopsided boobs. Okay, well … I guess one is a little smaller than the other, (scoffs) but I certainly wouldn’t call it lopsided.
JERRY: Actually, that’s the very definition of lopsided.
KRAMER (slurps from a Snapple, wipes his mouth with his sleeve): I like lopsided boobs. Makes it interesting. Always a surprise. (winks at Jerry)
Door buzzes. It’s George. Jerry buzzes him up.
ELAINE: I don’t have lopsided — okay, here! You guys wanna check?
ELAINE: Yeah, feel ’em. Go ahead.
JERRY (chuckles): I’ve already had the distinct pleasure so I don’t think I need to–
KRAMER (raises hand and approaches Elaine): I will!
Elaine stands up and heaves her chest in Kramer’s direction. Kramer reaches forward.
George enters panting. He slowly limps over to the couch.
GEORGE (moans as he sits down): I’ve injured my foot, Jerry. It’s bad. I may never walk again!
George glances over at Kramer and Elaine.
GEORGE: Did I miss something here?
JERRY: Nah, Kramer’s just feeling Elaine’s boobs. It’s nothing.
Seinfeld theme music plays. Commercial break.
~ Stay tuned next time for Part 2 of The Soap Suc ~
This post is dedicated to my father who passed away in 1991. Not only is Seinfeld one of my all-time favorite sitcoms (along with Cheers, Friends and Roseanne) it holds a very special place in my heart. I remember watching the first few seasons with him back in 1989-90 when it was called The Seinfeld Chronicles. The ratings were terrible in the beginning. But my dad had a great sense of humor and he loved the show from the start. He thought Seinfeld was innovative and insisted it would go far. I still watch old Seinfeld episodes all the time and damn, was my dad right.