Lost Seinfeld Episode: The Soap Suc (Part 1)

image: craveonline

Jerry’s alone in his apartment. He’s watching television and eating cereal.

JERRY (giggling): Man, I love The Three Stooges.

The door buzzer sounds. Jerry walks over and presses the intercom button.

JERRY: Yeah?

ELAINE (breathing heavily): Jerry! Jerry! It’s an emergency! Let me in quick! I need help!

JERRY: Who is this?

ELAINE: Jerry!

JERRY: Okay, okay, come on up.

Jerry cracks open the door, then sits down on the couch and resumes giggling at the TV.

Elaine bursts through the door with a bunch of bras in her hands.

ELAINE (gasping): Quick! Where’s your washing machine?

JERRY: What? I don’t have one.

ELAINE (exasperated): You don’t have one?

JERRY: I dry clean everything.

ELAINE: Ah! God! I’m doomed!

Elaine throws her bras onto the kitchen counter and plunks herself down on the couch. She wiggles around, clearly uncomfortable as she frantically pulls on her blouse.

JERRY (clicks off TV): What’s with you?

ELAINE (cries): I’ve run out of bras! They’re all dirty!

JERRY: Well, don’t you clean them?

ELAINE: Yes, Jerry, I clean them. Occasionally.  But all the washers were being used in my building so I had to put on my stupid sports bra this morning. (pushes her breasts together) Now they’re all squished!

JERRY: Wait a second … since when do you play sports?

ELAINE (smirks): Ha, ha, ha. Very funny, Jerry. And I have a meeting with Mr. Pitt in an hour. Ah! How can I live like this all day? (thrashes around) Dumb boobs!

JERRY: I don’t know how you guys walk around with those things.

Kramer bursts through the door. He slides across the floor, spins around, and points a finger at Elaine.

KRAMER: You guys talking boobs?

JERRY: I’ve got to remember to lock my door.

ELAINE (dejectedly): I suppose I could just wear one of my dirty bras. (gestures sadly toward bras on counter)

JERRY (picks up the bras with salad tongs and deposits them onto Elaine’s lap): Yes. Well, how many bras do you own?

ELAINE: I don’t know… four, maybe five?

JERRY: Five? That’s it?

ELAINE: Yeah … well, really only two good ones that actually fit. (thinks intently) One. (nods) I have one bra that I like.

KRAMER (bites into an apple): You’ve got lopsided boobs. (clicks tongue, wags eyebrows)

ELAINE: I don’t have lopsided boobs. Okay, well … I guess one is a little smaller than the other, (scoffs) but I certainly wouldn’t call it lopsided.

JERRY: Actually, that’s the very definition of lopsided.

KRAMER (slurps from a Snapple, wipes his mouth with his sleeve): I like lopsided boobs. Makes it interesting. Always a surprise. (winks at Jerry)

Door buzzes. It’s George. Jerry buzzes him up.

ELAINE: I don’t have lopsided — okay, here! You guys wanna check?

JERRY: Check?

ELAINE: Yeah, feel ’em. Go ahead.

JERRY (chuckles): I’ve already had the distinct pleasure so I don’t think I need to–

KRAMER (raises hand and approaches Elaine): I will!

Elaine stands up and heaves her chest in Kramer’s direction. Kramer reaches forward.

George enters panting. He slowly limps over to the couch.

GEORGE (moans as he sits down): I’ve injured my foot, Jerry. It’s bad. I may never walk again!

George glances over at Kramer and Elaine.

GEORGE: Did I miss something here?

JERRY: Nah, Kramer’s just feeling Elaine’s boobs. It’s nothing.

Seinfeld theme music plays. Commercial break.

~ Stay tuned next time for Part 2 of The Soap Suc ~



This post is dedicated to my father who passed away in 1991. Not only is Seinfeld one of my all-time favorite sitcoms (along with Cheers, Friends and Roseanne) it holds a very special place in my heart. I remember watching the first few seasons with him back in 1989-90 when it was called The Seinfeld Chronicles. The ratings were terrible in the beginning. But my dad had a great sense of humor and he loved the show from the start. He thought Seinfeld was innovative and insisted it would go far. I still watch old Seinfeld episodes all the time and damn, was my dad right. 






38 thoughts on “Lost Seinfeld Episode: The Soap Suc (Part 1)

  1. Great episode, Miss Darla! Poor Elaine- I know just how she feels. It’s sad when you’re down to the sports bra. Boob-squishing is about the only sport mine ever sees, if that could be considered a sport, and I also have only one good bra that I like.

    Have you done some redecorating around here? Very clean and modern look going on. I need to do some updating. My place is so old and stagnant it’s the shag-carpeted rumpus room of blogs.

    1. Oh, that’s so nice you had that time with your dad. My dad and I also watched Jeopardy religiously, but I thought rewriting a Jeopardy show would be a lot harder than Seinfeld. I never liked MASH but my husband is a huge fan. Finally this past year I decided to watch an entire episode and dammit, it was funny as hell!

  2. Lost no more. Did you ever submit material to them? Do you listen to Jerry on ‘Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee?’ It’s highly entertaining, yet it ruined the Seinfeld mystique for me. He’s kind of an elitist douche bag in real life. On almost every episode, he says something insulting or socially reprehensible. But I still listen.

    I was confronted with a pair of lopsided boobs once. I handled the situation adroitly. No loss of gratification whatsoever. None.

    Did you swap-out the skin of your blog? I like it. Neat and clean.

    1. Yes! I’ve seen just about all of the comedians in cars episodes and I noticed he can be douche-bagish. I’d like to think it’s because all that fame tainted his personality. He’s coming here to do stand-up at a small venue and I tried to get tickets until I saw they were 100 bucks apiece (I think they sold out fast anyway) I saw Bill Cosby back in the day (he was a tiny speck in the distance and I thought it was generally “eh”) and I once had tickets to see George Carlin in NH but something happened and I couldn’t go. HUGE bummer there.

    1. Oh yeah that’s a classic episode! So many good ones, although there were a few episodes that left me scratching my head. I’m still trying to come up with a good catchphrase for part 2 and so far I’ve got nuthin’.

      So good to “see” you around these parts, Tar!

      1. Dana

        I think Kramer should tell Elaine to “free-boob it”. Could that be a catchphrase? “Why don’t you just free-boob it?” “Free-boob?” “Free-boob it!”

  3. I’m late to this party but I LOVE it! And I can totally hear all of them in my head. That show was a classic.

    And as someone who has lost a parent, I can tell you I feel this exact same way about The Cosby Show, and for all the same reasons. 🙂

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