Last time on Seinfeld, The Soap Suc Part 1: George is moaning about his injured foot, Jerry’s pouring himself another bowl of cereal, and Kramer is about to determine whether Elaine’s breasts are lopsided.
ELAINE (pushes Kramer’s hand away, looks down at her watch): Oh, would you look at the time? I gotta go. I’m late for Mr. Pitt’s emergency meeting.
JERRY: What about?
ELAINE (crams her unwashed bras into her coat pocket): Oh, I don’t know. He probably wants me to run out to buy him some sharper knives to cut his Snickers bar or something.
Elaine leaves. Kramer plunks down on the couch next to George.
KRAMER (double take): Whoa. You are a mess.
GEORGE: I know. Thanks.
JERRY: Aw, what happened to you, Georgie boy?
GEORGE: I was taking a shower and the stupid bar of soap fell right onto my foot! Right on top of it! (sniffles) I think it’s broken. I might have a hairline fracture.
KRAMER: Man, do I hate when that happens.
JERRY: What — the soap dish in your shower doesn’t work?
GEORGE: It never works! The soap just slips off the little shelf there. My entire shower is me getting pummeled by the soap over and over again.
KRAMER: They should make a little suction gadget, you know, like a suction cup you can stick to the soap and the shower wall so it’s there whenever you need it.
JERRY: Why don’t you just use a loofah and some body wash instead?
GEORGE: A loofah? What am I, Cleopatra over here?
JERRY: Well, you could stop taking showers altogether. Just take baths. Less chance of being hit by the soap.
GEORGE: Nah, too much waiting involved.
JERRY: How often do you take a shower anyway? Every day?
GEORGE: Eh, I could go a day without one. Maybe two.
KRAMER: I’ve gone a month.
George and Jerry cringe.
KRAMER: What? It’s good for the skin, let’s it breathe. Besides, did you know that Howard Hughes had an extreme fear of bathing? I think he was onto something.
JERRY (to Kramer): Don’t you have to be somewhere?
KRAMER: Oh yeah! (snaps fingers) I’d better get going on that soap suction thing.
GEORGE: Hey, whatever happened to that last idea of yours? You know, the uh… cookie-pretzel-muffin combination?
KRAMER: Yeah, the muffzookie.
GEORGE: I liked that one. You should do that.
KRAMER: Too crumbly.
KRAMER (stands): Well, boys, I’m off to see Bob Sacamano. He’s just the man to help with my idea.
JERRY: Yeah, good luck with that.
Next scene: Jerry and George are sitting in a booth at Monk’s Cafe.
GEORGE (slurping coffee): I’m so dehydrated, Jerry. I’m always so thirsty. (to waitress) I need more coffee here! MORE COFFEE! (to Jerry) I’m parched. I can’t quench my thirst. There’s no quenching!
JERRY: Running those marathons again, George? You know, you really ought to pace yourself.
GEORGE (chuckles): Well, you could call it a marathon. (lowers voice) You know…with all the sex that I’m having.
JERRY: Ah, yes, with Shower Girl, right?
GEORGE: Yes! It’s nonstop! But she only wants to do it in the shower! You know, like the movies.
JERRY: What movies?
GEORGE: I don’t know, all the movies!
JERRY: So, what’s the problem?
GEORGE: What’s the problem? Have you ever had sex in the shower?
JERRY (chuckles): I don’t think that’s any of your business. (sips coffee)
GEORGE: Well, if you had you’d know that it’s terrible. Just sheer terror from start to finish. I mean, think about it. You’re in this cramped space, there’s water flowing everywhere, everything’s getting all sudsy. Elbows and knees are flying. It’s chaos!
JERRY: Well, at least you’re having sudsy sex.
GEORGE: Oh, so you broke up with Monica?
JERRY: Yeah. I just couldn’t do it anymore. She had this wonky eye.
GEORGE: You mean like she couldn’t see out of one eye? Now that I could work with. I like a girl who can’t see very well. I’ve often thought I should start dating a pirate.
JERRY: No, she could see fine, but it was like one eye was always wandering slightly to the side. It was very off-putting. I could never tell what she was looking at.
GEORGE (nods): Huh.
Kramer enters the restaurant and slides into the booth next to Jerry.
KRAMER: Hey, guess who I just saw?
GEORGE: Vladimir Putin? The President of Russia?
KRAMER (clicks tongue): That’s the one.
JERRY (incredulous): You saw Putin. Here in New York.
KRAMER (steals a french fry off George’s plate): Yeah, he was buying Snowden a hot dog with extra sauerkraut down on 5th street. Anyway, I’ve got big news, boys. Behold, the product that will blow your minds! (hands a couple pieces of plastic to George and Jerry)
JERRY: What am I supposed to do with this?
KRAMER: Stick it. See, they’re little suction cup holders I made. I need you guys to test them out. They have suction on both sides. You just slap them on whatever item you want, soap, shampoo, whatever, and (makes popping noise) stick ’em.
JERRY: Don’t they already have these?
KRAMER: Yeah, but Bob Sacamano got his hands on this new top-secret adhesive that doesn’t require a nonporous surface. So you can stick ’em all over the place. Use them for anything anywhere.
JERRY: Right. Just what the world needs — more useless plastic.
GEORGE: And what are you going to call these things? Stick-Its?
KRAMER: Well, we call those the Soap Sucs. S-U-C, short for ‘suction’.
JERRY: I think you forgot the K on the end there.
KRAMER: Soon we’ll roll out bigger suction cups for bigger items, like the TV Suc. Maybe even an Infant Suc. Need to put your child down for a second? (makes popping sound) Just stick ’em to the wall! I see a suction cup world, baby. (wiggles eyebrows)
GEORGE: All right, I’m sold. Look, I gotta go. (stands up and throws money on the table)
JERRY: More shower sex?
GEORGE: You’d think she’d wanna do it in the bed at least once in awhile. She’s killing me, Jerry. If there’s anything I’ve learned in all the years I’ve had sex it’s that I much prefer horizontal. It’s comfortable. I can rest when I need to. I’m just not built for stand-up sex. I never pictured myself doing it in the shower.
JERRY (cringes): I’ve never pictured you doing it period.
GEORGE (holds up the Soap Suc): Stick it, Jerry.
Theme music plays, commercial break
Stay tuned for The Soap Suc Part 3…
This post is dedicated to my father who passed away in 1991. Not only is Seinfeld one of my all-time favorite sitcoms (along with Cheers, Friends and Roseanne) it holds a very special place in my heart. I remember watching the first few seasons with him back in 1989-90 when it was called The Seinfeld Chronicles. The ratings were terrible in the beginning. But my dad had a great sense of humor and he loved the show from the start. He thought Seinfeld was innovative and insisted it would go far. I still watch old Seinfeld episodes all the time and damn, was my dad right.