14 Menopause Tips That Might Just Save A Life

 

  1. Never say to the woman, “This must be the menopause talking, right?”

    menopause1
    The moment before all hell breaks loose.
  2. For hot flashes, freeze a washcloth, then slap your husband upside the head with it.
  3. Still feeling blazing hot? Carry a good portable fan.

    l_shutterstock_hot-flash_1200x675
    Oh, darling, I do declare I shall hit you in the head with this here fan!
  4. Make mood swings fun. Get out a timer and count how many intense emotions you feel in three minutes. Then throw the timer at your husband.
  5. Practice saying sincerely to your spouse: “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to, honest. It’s the menopause talking.” Then strike the classic ‘Hold head in hands and look tormented’ pose.
    download (1)
  6. See a mom with a newborn and think, That will never be me again! Yay!
  7. See a mom with a newborn and think, That will never be me again! STILL YAY!!!
  8. Realize that you’ve entered the I-Don’t-Give-Two-Shits-Anymore stage of your life and it is glorious.
  9. Crying a lot? Keep tissues in your bra. Worked for my grandmother.
  10. Chocolate is soothing. Always have it handy for those moments you feel like punching someone in the throat. I keep a bag of chocolate chips in my bra.
  11. Go full-on “old lady”. Buy the National Enquirer, a gallon of butter pecan ice cream, and a jug of cheap white zinfandel. Say things like, “She’s much too busty” or “That Harrison Ford sure is one hot ticket.” Get a short tight perm and start wearing cat sweaters. Or get ten cats, give them tight perms and name them all Harrison.

    spy-3
    Work it, girl!
  12. Embrace feeling increasingly invisible to the opposite sex. Shave legs? Eh. Makeup? Please. Clothes? What’s the point?
  13. Eat a lot. Get bloated. Wear leggings. Fart in public. You’re invisible now, go for it.
  14. Rent the movie Sisters with Amy Poehler and Tina Fey. It will make you laugh so hard your chocolate chip and tissue filled bra will explode.

If you have any other menopause tips, please leave them in the comments below. I’m sure my husband will appreciate it. I’m running out of chocolate chips.

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77 thoughts on “14 Menopause Tips That Might Just Save A Life

  1. On a serious note (yeah, trust a spoil sport German to come up with something serious): Cranberries are thought to be great, Cranberry juice is recommded, if you feel your ladies part drying out …
    /end serious mode
    Hot flashes and invisible? Make the most of it – if somebody in your vicinity makes poor jokes about menopausal women, drip sweat in his coffee. Or your husband’s.

  2. Ice cream and white zin is old lady?? Oops, been old lady for a while then. Froze the wash cloth like you recommended, but now my hubby is pissed at me. Must be the black eye.

    But seriously, HRT is currently saving my bacon (and my family’s). Bio-identical.

    1. She put me on Estrovera for now. I can’t take any progestin or estrogen because it would only bring my endometriosis back again and I’d end up with another surgery. The Estrovera seems to be helping so far.

      1. I was ready to eat my family alive before my doc gave me hormones. I’ll be weaning down off them over time. She had me go off some, cold turkey a year or so ago; the depression was horrible. For me at this point, they are a critical mood stabilizer. I guess it’s one of the perks of being daughter to a bipolar mother. Didn’t get her bipolar, but I do have to take extra good care of myself to feel ok.

      2. I hear you. I come from a long line of relatives with depression/anxiety. I’ve suffered from both off and on my entire life. Normally exercise, yoga and meditation are my anti-depression treatment. But this time around? Holy hell! Gimme something, doc!

  3. NextInLine

    You are so freaking funny and yet spot on. I would add wear your hair up because the hot flash sweat will take the curl right out of that sucker. Add wine. And watch for the random crying fits that leave tears in your wine because it makes it taste like age and sadness.

  4. Invest some cold hard cash into one of those cooling mattress toppers. Oh and a plastic mattress protector from the dollar store. They’re usually in the baby section. You’ll need it to absorb the night perspiration (remember, we don’t ‘sweat’). Or to protect your mattress when you’re lying on it and realize you actually bought a toddler pee catcher for your bed and laugh so hard you urinate through your Depends. Cheaper than buying a new mattress set.

  5. I have roughly 2 decades to go before I need to worry about any of this, but I’m saving this for future reference. Good to be prepared, you know. 😉

  6. This should be required reading for any woman entering her 50s. Or 40s. Or any other decade…as well as all men everywhere of any age. You nailed it Darflashla!

    1. What I lack now for physical appearance, I more than make up for in verbal exchange. I find myself blurting out things I really should have kept to myself. But the best part is I don’t care.

  7. Have survived, dare I say it, “that time of life”, I feel compelled to tell husbands everywhere my secret:

    “Be afraid, be very afraid!”

      1. Just because we quit our jobs, have affairs, and buy little red sports cars doesn’t necessarily mean we’re going through “The Change.” That’s stereotyping at its worst. Forsooth, Darla.

  8. Sometimes, it looks like having lady parts can be a real bummer. Is that accurate to say? You’re probably not old enough to remember but in the 80’s there was a girl band named Klymaxx who scored a big hit with The Men All Pause. Pretty clever turn of a phrase but the video is super-tacky.

  9. Ha! I’ll take menopause over menstruation (or pregnancy) ANY DAY. I think you nailed them all, especially cat shirts and tight perms. By the way, my device auto-corrected it to ‘men’s pause’ most likely because they need to with menopausal women — lest they get hit over the head.

    1. Oh that would have been the perfect title! Menopause Gives Men Pause.
      I bet that’s how that term originated.

      And I’m wearing a cat shirt right now and I’m loving every minute of it!

      1. Rookie mistake–not knowing why your menopausal wife would be mad at you in the distant future. Don’t you see? The wife will always be mad and she will think she has a good reason that really has nothing to do with you. And she will want to punch you! GRRR! i’m getting mad just thinking about it now. [digs in bra, crams chocolate chips in mouth, sighs]

  10. When my wife started getting hot flashes a few months ago, I politely asked if she would start going to bed a few minutes before me so she could heat up the bed. I realized the couch is a lot colder…

    1. ooh! Yikes! I think the benefit of going through an instant menopause like I did is my husband caught on real quick. He doesn’t say anything to me now but “as you wish” and “yes, dear.”

  11. oh dear! I’m laughing so hard I might wet my pants. And may I say, that is one tip you might want to think about – pads/depends. Sneezes, laughing, coughing, they all hold a special new feature now…

    All I can say is – be glad you live in Maine. You can heat your home with the hot flashes, or, head out on to the step for a few minutes to cool down, 9 months a year!

    One last tip is to be sure to blame the husband, kids, dog, whomever – for keeping the house so danged hot, wait no, freezing cold. Why the heck are they messing with the thermostat?

    1. I am very happy to live in Maine during my menopause stage. The nights are still very cool. I look forward to the long, freezing winter now, too. I think the weather just might save my husband’s sanity.

      1. lol – yours, too! That whole hot/cold thing can cause an unbalanced mental state. 🙂 I run into trouble when the evenings get warm enough that the black flies stay out longer.

  12. I don’t remember doing any of these things during menopause. I would have loved the chocolate chip idea, but I’m afraid that the hot flashes would have melted them. Glad I’m done with all that. I didn’t have a husband that I could have used like that. Maybe it would have made things a little easier…

    1. Always good advice to be very quiet. Y’know, come to think of it, my husband is next to me right now and he’s not saying a word, just smiling at me. The poor guy. I do feel bad for him.

  13. Another really great tip is to carry a bag in your car with essentials like a shovel, large trash bags, gloves and a hazmat suit you know…just in case.
    It’s good to be prepared when Menopause goes wild!

  14. Funny, funny stuff, Darla…thanks for the morning laugh! I became invisible some years back, and am now accustomed to sales clerks continuing their conversation as I pass thru the line. Shoplifting is my new hobby now. Have a pleasant, flash-free day.😉

    1. Now that I’m becoming invisible, I’m totally turning into a middle-aged curmudgeon to make up for it. What’s awful is when I talk to a 20-year-old and I have to try real hard not to smirk at her cluelessness, just like middle age women used to do to me when I was 20. It’s the circle of life.

  15. bindmoggled

    A riotous post and comments! We’ve already got the constant supply of chocolate on hand and long ago secured our spot among the top public farters, and I’ve been my wife’s punching bag for many years (having been married thrice has taught me many, many things) and I love her all the more for it. We’ve got a bit to go yet on this funtastic slice ‘o life biological reality, but I see it in the not-too-distant future…

  16. I would add be especially kind to yourself the first few months…you’re not your (old) self anymore! After returning to work post-surgery (and not on meds), a coworker crassly tossed out #1 during a staff meeting. Holy smokes I went Storm from the X-Men aka #8 in 3 seconds flat! Thankfully there was a conference table between us, I had a handheld fan and butter pecan ice cream in my mini fridge (seriously)! Have a wonderful day, Crystal

    1. “I went Storm from the X-Men in 3 seconds flat” haha! Love that. I am normally such a loving, peaceful person so for me to feel sudden anger is a little scary for me (more so for my husband). It’s been 2 months since my surgery and my emotions are starting to even out a little bit more now.

  17. If you have a ceiling fan in your bedroom, sleep with your head at the end of the bed and let your husband caress your feet. That is if he’s the type that will caress anything female during his sleep.

  18. Reblogged this on connistock and commented:
    Well… it has started… personal summers have begun! Found this post humorous after I have surrendered to paying a doctor to tell me what’s wrong. In all of my 53 years, I have never cared what a doctor thought or advised. Now I have paid for advice, blood work and made my follow up appointment to hear what else I HAVE TO DO! I will keep you posted as this seems to be a ride I can’t get off!

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