Mom for President 2020

 

 

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My 82-year-old mother is running for POTUS. She figured she’d kick off her campaign immediately because, as she put it, “I might die in my sleep tonight.”

Also, The View is on at 2 pm.

I think she’ll win in a landslide. After all, she came up with a pretty sweet slogan:

Nagging We Can Believe In!

(It was either that or Well, I Guess The World Is Pumping A Handcart To Hell, Now Eat Your Damned Veggies Or You’ll Get Buttlogged)

Some of the things she promises to do once in office (and only if I take her shopping at the Christmas Tree Shop later this week):

  • Redecorate. The more doilies, cat knickknacks, and miniature Elvis figurines the better.
  • Require all thermostats to be set at 80 degrees. If the temperature falls to 79 degrees — Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock get blown up.
  • All state dinners will be gluten-free and served at 3:30 sharp.
  • Deport all of the “Karbuncles” unless they “for god’s sake, cover up!” Same goes for anyone else showing even a hint of “chest crack” in public.

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    Kim doing her part for a kinder, gentler, less chest-cracky nation.
  • Make sure every vending machine in the nation carries rice cakes, prune juice and Sanka.
  • Vice President: Oprah.
  • Surgeon General: Dr. Oz
  • Secretary of State: Tony Bennett
  • Supreme Court justice: Betty White
  • Foreign policy: Sit up straight.
  • Domestic policy: Get a real job.
  • New national holiday celebrated from January 1st through December 31st: Happy Call Your Mother, Because You Never Know She Might Be Choking On A Rice Cake And Lying On The Floor Unable To Turn Up The Heat And You Don’t Want That On Your Conscience, Now Do You? Day
  • At every meeting, all world leaders will be required to wear a cat sweater. Because how could you possibly argue about climate change with someone who is wearing a cat sweater?

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So please, vote for my mom in four years. And would it kill you to eat some broccoli? Jeez.

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48 thoughts on “Mom for President 2020

  1. She actually has a really good shot at it you know. I would vote for her, if only I was allowed. (Also, psst – Darla, I’m putting this bit in brackets so that nobody else can see it, because I don’t want to show you up, but David Cameron isn’t our leader any more).

    1. Will do. Of course, if I call her, she won’t let me have a word in edgewise until she tells me how upset she is that Trump won for the billionth time. (And “sad sack” is the perfect way to describe my mood today.)

  2. “Nagging you can believe in.” That’s catchy. I think I know someone with great experience who would be a perfect Chief of Staff. Honey, could you come here a minute, I want you to meet Darla………..

  3. Your mom has my vote. Not only that, I can also guarantee the vote of the busload of people I usually round up to drive to the polls on election day, And may I just say that I am going to make your world-leaders-in-cat-sweaters artwork into wallpaper and redo my entire house with it including lining all my drawers with it, because it is just that magnificent. Bam.

    Did you tell your mom about that play that is stealing her signature slogan without giving due credit? She’ll have to put a stop to that practice as soon as she gets into office.

    1. Well, jeezum crow, I forgot to tell her about that play! Did they use the term “buttlogged” too?!

      And whenever I see any politician, I just picture them wearing a cat sweater and all my worries float away.

  4. Temperature everywhere must be set at 80F? I’m not sure I could support such a pro-global warming candidate. Although I’m sure she never ever used email and only grabbed women to take measurements for a cat sweater.

  5. But will she keep the gold plating added by Melania and the Donald? The answer to this question may determine if I will vote for her or not, so consider it carefully, just like all those idjits who voted for Trump and will still not admit it!

  6. She’s definitely got my vote. And she’s welcome to a bowl of my veggie and chicken soup I just made (complete with five different veggies, including broccoli!). And I’d be happy to crochet some doilies if it would help.

  7. I love the idea of a ‘Sit up straight’ foreign policy. I love the image of Reagan standing in front of the Berlin Wall and saying, ‘Mr. Gorbachev, sit up straight!’

    I would honestly vote for your mom. If the president hosted foreign dignitaries in a room full of Elvis memorabilia and cat knickknacks, I’d started paying attention to politics again.

    1. She’d probably tell Putin: “Put on a shirt!” I also think she’d be the best president in history. She’s got that in-your-face, tell-it-like-it-is, nag-em-until-they-pray-for-death style I think we need more of in politics.

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