My 82-year-old mother is running for POTUS. She figured she’d kick off her campaign immediately because, as she put it, “I might die in my sleep tonight.”
Also, The View is on at 2 pm.
I think she’ll win in a landslide. After all, she came up with a pretty sweet slogan:
Nagging We Can Believe In!
(It was either that or Well, I Guess The World Is Pumping A Handcart To Hell, Now Eat Your Damned Veggies Or You’ll Get Buttlogged)
Some of the things she promises to do once in office (and only if I take her shopping at the Christmas Tree Shop later this week):
- Redecorate. The more doilies, cat knickknacks, and miniature Elvis figurines the better.
- Require all thermostats to be set at 80 degrees. If the temperature falls to 79 degrees — Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock get blown up.
- All state dinners will be gluten-free and served at 3:30 sharp.
- Deport all of the “Karbuncles” unless they “for god’s sake, cover up!” Same goes for anyone else showing even a hint of “chest crack” in public.
- Make sure every vending machine in the nation carries rice cakes, prune juice and Sanka.
- Vice President: Oprah.
- Surgeon General: Dr. Oz
- Secretary of State: Tony Bennett
- Supreme Court justice: Betty White
- Foreign policy: Sit up straight.
- Domestic policy: Get a real job.
- New national holiday celebrated from January 1st through December 31st: Happy Call Your Mother, Because You Never Know She Might Be Choking On A Rice Cake And Lying On The Floor Unable To Turn Up The Heat And You Don’t Want That On Your Conscience, Now Do You? Day
- At every meeting, all world leaders will be required to wear a cat sweater. Because how could you possibly argue about climate change with someone who is wearing a cat sweater?
So please, vote for my mom in four years. And would it kill you to eat some broccoli? Jeez.