My 82-year-old mother is running for POTUS. She figured she’d kick off her campaign immediately because, as she put it, “I might die in my sleep tonight.”
Also, The View is on at 2 pm.
I think she’ll win in a landslide. After all, she came up with a pretty sweet slogan:
Nagging We Can Believe In!
(It was either that or Well, I Guess The World Is Pumping A Handcart To Hell, Now Eat Your Damned Veggies Or You’ll Get Buttlogged)
Some of the things she promises to do once in office (and only if I take her shopping at the Christmas Tree Shop later this week):
- Redecorate. The more doilies, cat knickknacks, and miniature Elvis figurines the better.
- Require all thermostats to be set at 80 degrees. If the temperature falls to 79 degrees — Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock get blown up.
- All state dinners will be gluten-free and served at 3:30 sharp.
- Deport all of the “Karbuncles” unless they “for god’s sake, cover up!” Same goes for anyone else showing even a hint of “chest crack” in public.
Kim doing her part for a kinder, gentler, less chest-cracky nation. - Make sure every vending machine in the nation carries rice cakes, prune juice and Sanka.
- Vice President: Oprah.
- Surgeon General: Dr. Oz
- Secretary of State: Tony Bennett
- Supreme Court justice: Betty White
- Foreign policy: Sit up straight.
- Domestic policy: Get a real job.
- New national holiday celebrated from January 1st through December 31st: Happy Call Your Mother, Because You Never Know She Might Be Choking On A Rice Cake And Lying On The Floor Unable To Turn Up The Heat And You Don’t Want That On Your Conscience, Now Do You? Day
- At every meeting, all world leaders will be required to wear a cat sweater. Because how could you possibly argue about climate change with someone who is wearing a cat sweater?
So please, vote for my mom in four years. And would it kill you to eat some broccoli? Jeez.
She's A Maineiac 
Thanks for the laugh, Darla!
You are welcome. I really think my mom has a good chance of winning.
Do we *really* have to get rid of the chest crackers? Can’t we keep just a few? That’s the only flaw I see in an otherwise acceptable policy.
You never know, she might change her mind the second she’s elected. (I hope not)
I don’t know, politicians tend to break their promises pretty easily.
Are we allowed to wear fat pants?
Absolutely. In fact, I think that should be the national dress code. We’d all be much more comfortable when the world ends.
Mom has my vote. In fact, I would happily canvas the Midwest for her.
I volunteer to run her campaign. But can I wear a dog sweater instead?
My mom said dog sweaters are acceptable!
Phew!
I’m with Elyse… a dog sweater would be better for me too… yuh…
Another vote for a dog sweater? Hmm…I smell controversial national debate and anarchy in the streets…
We need more doilies! This is a candidate I can get behind.
Thanks for the laugh!
I’m all for more doilies, too. If she promises to always have a dish of butterscotch candies on her Oval Office desk, I think she’s got this election in the bag.
Werther’s are the best!
She actually has a really good shot at it you know. I would vote for her, if only I was allowed. (Also, psst – Darla, I’m putting this bit in brackets so that nobody else can see it, because I don’t want to show you up, but David Cameron isn’t our leader any more).
I think she is well on her way to being the next POTUS, unless she dies before 2020. Even then, she might still have a good chance. (And your comment about the brackets made me giggle.)
Forcing Theresa May into a cat sweater is worth endorsing Mom.
Hi, Vanessa. I’m back!
Hi you! Good to see you back, I shall pop over to your place in a bit and catch up! Hmm, not sure about the cat sweater for Theresa May – I don’t exactly think “warm and cuddly! when I see her.
Precisely the reason to force her into it! We should have a warm mug of Bovril too.
Ok, you’re on, we’ll give it a go!
I knew you’d come through with some humor and humanity on this sad sack Monday Morning! Now call your mom and thank her for being such an inspiration. 🙂
Will do. Of course, if I call her, she won’t let me have a word in edgewise until she tells me how upset she is that Trump won for the billionth time. (And “sad sack” is the perfect way to describe my mood today.)
“Nagging you can believe in.” That’s catchy. I think I know someone with great experience who would be a perfect Chief of Staff. Honey, could you come here a minute, I want you to meet Darla………..
OOOOH! She’s hired! I have a feeling my husband would nominate me for the same job….
Your mom has my vote. Not only that, I can also guarantee the vote of the busload of people I usually round up to drive to the polls on election day, And may I just say that I am going to make your world-leaders-in-cat-sweaters artwork into wallpaper and redo my entire house with it including lining all my drawers with it, because it is just that magnificent. Bam.
Did you tell your mom about that play that is stealing her signature slogan without giving due credit? She’ll have to put a stop to that practice as soon as she gets into office.
Well, jeezum crow, I forgot to tell her about that play! Did they use the term “buttlogged” too?!
And whenever I see any politician, I just picture them wearing a cat sweater and all my worries float away.
Temperature everywhere must be set at 80F? I’m not sure I could support such a pro-global warming candidate. Although I’m sure she never ever used email and only grabbed women to take measurements for a cat sweater.
come to think of it, I have a hunch my mom IS the reason behind global warming. If only she’d turn the heat down to a cool 78 degrees maybe we could save this doomed planet.
I love this post. And I needed it today. I also love that your mother says “buttlogged.”
teehee. Me too. It really does describe that feeling perfectly.
But will she keep the gold plating added by Melania and the Donald? The answer to this question may determine if I will vote for her or not, so consider it carefully, just like all those idjits who voted for Trump and will still not admit it!
She says, “oh hells no.” She wants nothing to do with, as she calls him, “Trump the Dump.”
She’s definitely got my vote. And she’s welcome to a bowl of my veggie and chicken soup I just made (complete with five different veggies, including broccoli!). And I’d be happy to crochet some doilies if it would help.
She told me she wants to nominate you for Chief Chef of the White House.
I accept!
I love the idea of a ‘Sit up straight’ foreign policy. I love the image of Reagan standing in front of the Berlin Wall and saying, ‘Mr. Gorbachev, sit up straight!’
I would honestly vote for your mom. If the president hosted foreign dignitaries in a room full of Elvis memorabilia and cat knickknacks, I’d started paying attention to politics again.
She’d probably tell Putin: “Put on a shirt!” I also think she’d be the best president in history. She’s got that in-your-face, tell-it-like-it-is, nag-em-until-they-pray-for-death style I think we need more of in politics.
I’m willing to give nagging a try. I’m sick of politicians telling everyone what they want to hear. We need a leader who’s not afraid to nag us into submission.
Now THIS would be making America great again! 😉
Jeezum crow, I think you’re right, Dawn!
She’s got my vote and long as there is some Ranch to go with the broccoli.
Yeah, I’d eat broccoli if it were deep fried in chocolate sauce (old Seinfeld reference)
She gets my vote 🙂
And she appreciates it, Darc. Now, tuck in your shirt, sit up straight and eat some broccoli.
Love the cabinet she’d appoint. We all need more Oprah–and nagging! Happy holidays Darla!
Thanks, Renee! Happy holidays to you as well!
In honour of Mother’s Day I discovered this post. Beyond hilarious!
Pingback: Love You (Part 1) – She's A Maineiac