It’s the End of the World as I Know It (And I Feel Slightly Uneasy)

As some of you are well aware, there are certain undeniable signs the End Times are near:

  • Oceans turn blood red.
  • Locusts! It’s raining locusts!
  • Leggings are a thing now.
  • Leggings! It’s raining leggings!

But recently I’ve witnessed another sign that it’s time to make peace with my maker.

My mom is on Facebook.

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Just to give you some perspective — she has never used a computer, doesn’t know what the Internet is, and once had a lengthy conversation with a robocaller about her bowel issues.

It all started when my extremely misguided brother bought her a Kindle for Christmas. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he installed the Facebook app and set up her account. Then — here’s what sent chills down my spine — SHE SENT ME A FRIEND REQUEST.

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Darla? ARE YOU THERE, DARLA?! I KNOW YOU’RE THERE! Hurry up! I could die waiting for you to friend me! Do you want me to die friendless, Darla?

My 83-year-old mother. The one who talks my ear off nonstop about gluten and loves Garth Brooks but thinks his wife’s chest is “too chesty and probably full of gluten”.

Now she can see all my stuff on Facebook. (gasp) She might even notice I have a blog. And that I’ve shamelessly used her as blog fodder for a few cheap laughs. Like this post. (ahem)

OH GOOD GOD! It’s like when the two worlds of George collided on Seinfeld. I need to keep things separate, people! Separate! Jeezum crow!

My husband tried to calm me down. “She won’t go on Facebook, trust me. She doesn’t even know how to turn on the Kindle yet!”

That night the phone rang. It was my mom. She wanted me to come over right away and help her “get on that page with all the people on it.”

Later, as I sat in her kitchen looking down at her Kindle, the smell of rice cakes burning in the toaster wafting through the 85-degree air, things got tense right away.

“Oh god! This Facebook is too much for my brain! I just don’t get it! And they keep changing the pictures on me! First there was a dog wearing a tie and now there’s a stupid video on how to make cereal! And they keep showing me a friend of a friend I don’t give a rat’s ass about! I mean, who in the hell IS THIS?! I wish I could get rid of them but I don’t know how!”

Then my mom entered the room.

“Did ya get me on that face thing yet?” she asked, biting into a blackened rice cake.

So this is how it all ends. With my mom leaving messages on my wall for everyone to see.

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slide1The next day I was sitting in my car waiting for my son when it happened. A Facebook notification. My mom had “liked” a photo I put up on my wall years ago. Great — not only is my mom “liking” all my personal stuff — she’s a stalker.

Time to erase my entire blog after this post.

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51 thoughts on “It’s the End of the World as I Know It (And I Feel Slightly Uneasy)

  1. I feel your pain. I’m very careful what I put on facebook because my Mom is on there too. Heck, there are blog posts I don’t put on facebook because…Mom. (She’s not savvy enough to figure out how to find my blog if I don’t post it on fb. Thank God.)

  2. Nooooo!!!!!! OMG! The end of the world for sure!!

    That said, if I send your mom a friend request, do you think she’d accept it? Looks like it’s time to set up groups to see your posts. I never remember to do this, so everyone gets to read my drivel and see what I share. If they don’t like it, too bad.

    You’ve got to turn her on to the Bangor Maine Police Department page. It’s awesome, and I bet she’d love it. (It’s listed exactly as I wrote). Is she a fan of Mike Rowe? He puts out fun videos, talking about letters his mother writes him. She might enjoy that.

  3. “Then my mom entered the room.” Snort, snort, giggle, snort! You still got it, kiddo.

    Reading this post right now is the only thing keeping me from jumping out of the window here at the office where AT&T (we live to serve) is totally messing up our internet and phone service. ARRRGGGHHH!!

      1. I should amend that: the 3 things keeping me from jumping are Darla’s post, the love and support of friends like you, Elyse, and the fact that my office is on the first floor so jumping would just be stupid.

        1. Oh! Here I was thinking it was just my blog that was stopping you. heh heh. But then, if you jump from the first floor window you’d have an opportunity to run like the wind far far away from that Internet-less office.

          1. Checking out your fun comments in the 10 seconds I probably have before the internet turns itself off again and the phones start lighting up. Must admit that having all the vital systems in the agency possessed by evil demons adds a certain excitement to the normally dull business of insurance.

  4. Oh, how I love your mother.

    Years ago I didn’t join facebook because my son told me he’d never “Friend” me. I couldn’t handle the rejection. Now I have to for work and I think it is the end of the world as we know it. Because all the dogs are wearing ties and I never see that in real life!

    1. The dog wearing a tie is, of course, still in my mom’s Facebook news-feed and she just doesn’t get it. “Why do I still have to see that dumb dog?! I look and day after day it’s still there!” I ask myself the same question when I go on Facebook.

  5. Tell her to step away from the Kindle before it’s too late. Next thing she knows, she’ll be up all night trolling for that cute, sassy octogenarian she met in the laxative aisle of the local Rite Aid.

    This is why Facebook’s business model is doomed. None of my daughters friends have the slightest interest in joining. They’re all about Instagram. This week. All of those platforms have a shelf life. If you have Facebook shares, sell, sell, sell!

    1. Yup, now the hot thing is Instagram, next it’s Snapchat, after that it’s InstaSnapAssFace.

      My daughter is 10 and I plan on keeping her as far away from all that crap for as long as possible.

  6. hahaha. I laugh because this is my mother on Facebook too. “I don’t want to be friends with her, why does she keep asking to be my friend?” Mom, you don’t have to be friends with her, Facebook suggests people to you. And on and on and on.

    1. Yes! My mom says the exact same thing to me every day! “WHO IS THIS? THEY WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH ME, BUT I DON’T LIKE THEM!” It’s almost impossible to explain to her how any of this social media stuff works.

      1. My grandsons turn 19 and 20 this spring (where did the time go?). I swear I was a young grandma. Anyway they know more about gaming than I do. They want to be game designers and have their own business. I am more into Photography and Photoshop, etc.

  7. Except, I know more about computers than she does. I have worked with computers since the early 80’s when they were chiseled out of stone. They were much harder to work back then.

  8. There’s no way out. Whenever I post something, my mom calls me to make a comment. Something like, “So did you take Reggie to the dog park yesterday? (Well yes, I posted the photo. It’s not a secret.) It was like a blizzard! What are you thinking? He’ll catch his death of cold!” (notice she didn’t worry about me catching a cold. Only Reggie)

  9. When my stepmother saw me on facebook and tried to friend me, I told her I tried. That I couldn’t get it to do what I was trying to get it to do. I don’t know if she bought it, but I’d rather she think I’m an idiot than have to banter back and forth with her on facebook.

  10. I can’t decide if having my parents and my friends all hanging out in one place and commenting on the same photos and conversing with each other makes my parents cooler or my friends lamer.

    I had no idea Carlene was your mom when I accepted her friend request.

    1. I suppose I’m considered much lamer in general due to being middle-aged — but dammit, why does my mom have to completely destroy my fake Facebook persona that I’m much cooler than I’ll ever be?

  11. There are so many reasons I save posts, and read them when I have time… I was overseas for this one, and then the March… and now, I get to laugh really, really hard. And, I neeed that so much more than I did on January 17th, when you posted. 😉

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